


Patience and Persistence

by violetknights



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2009-02-07
Updated: 2011-06-06
Packaged: 2017-10-19 18:57:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 96,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetknights/pseuds/violetknights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Jensen!” The voice resounded across from the door to the stock room to where Jensen was organizing the latest releases at the far end of one of the aisles. Jensen looked up; his eyes weary as his gaze met Chris’ at the door. Chris grinned warmly, “Stop hiding out here, dude!”

“And if I stop hiding out in here, how exactly is all the new stock going to be organized?” he gritted testily.

“Jen,” Chris strode across the room carefully negotiating the precarious piles of books and boxes to reach Jensen’s side. “Jen, Jen, Jen.” Jensen frowned in annoyance before raising his eyebrows in a silent question as to exactly what it was that Chris wanted from him now. “There’s a phone call for you, dude,” Chris said smiling as he turned Jensen and pushed him off towards the door. “I’ll carry on here for a few minutes, so you can have a little peace and quiet in the office! Now go! Hurry!”

Jensen made his way over to the office and round to where the phone receiver lay on Chris’ desk wondering who could be calling to speak to him. He hoped it wasn’t his mother again. He took a deep breath before picking it up to speak. “Hello?”

“Uh . . . hey, the woman on reception said you'd be able to help me, I'm calling from Pageturners on South Street. I have a customer wanting to sell a couple of first editions. Anyway I'm kinda new here and the guy who usually deals with this sort of stuff is away but he left your number in case I had any problems." The speaker’s words tumbled over themselves in his rush to get the words out,

“Sure what are you looking for?" Jensen sighed, wondering why Chris couldn't have just taken the call himself instead of him having to make his way over from the stock room. Jensen tapped a pen on the pad in front of him in irritation whilst he waited for the person on the other end of the call to say what he needed. He'd have words with Chris when he'd dealt with this - the lazy fucker!

The speaker took an audible deep breath, obviously schooling himself to speak slower, a warm Texan twang obvious in his voice. "Okay, well he has some English classics - a full set of Dickens in good condition though not first editions and the two first editions are both Du Mauriers - the short story collection with the birds in - I thought the movie was terrible, nothing like the book. I almost always hate it when I see movies when I like the book they’re never as good, don’t you find that?”

“Huh?" The guy on the other end of the phone had barely taken a breath whilst he talked. Jensen gripped the pen tighter. What was this guy talking about? Films? He'd started out talking about first editions and now he seemed to expect Jensen to want to talk about films. God, some days Jensen really felt the world was against him. Chris knew he didn't really want to talk to anyone if he could help it. He was better off left in the stock room out of the way; he knew what he was doing out there away from people who expected him to talk to them . . . and invariably they expected him to be civil about it.

There was silence for a moment as the speaker obviously waited for a reply, when none was forthcoming he coughed then carried on, sounding more than a little subdued by the unexpectedly frosty reception he was getting. "Anyway the other is Jamaica Inn but I think it might be a fake, the end papers look like they might have been tampered with, so Samantha suggested I give you a call - see if you would give us a second opinion."

"Jamaica Inn . . . sure, we can do that. Will someone bring it over or will you send it by courier?" The point finally, Jensen was relieved the guy had stopped waffling on about stuff other than the books. Books he could cope with. The rest of the world not so much.

"Well. Whatever suits you I guess, we're a man down with Jeff away but I could run over with it in my lunch break if you wanted to go over it with me." There was a hopeful note to the guy’s voice as if there was nothing he'd like better than to spend his lunch break working out whether or not some book was forged.

Jensen felt the familiar fear grip him, he couldn't do it. A courier would drop the package at reception, they'd send it up, he could check it out and send it back but dealing with a person, no he couldn't face that, not today. "What - what time's your lunch break?" he asked, praying that the answer would be while he was out for his appointment and that Chris would have to deal with it.

“Oh hey I’m easy, it’s pretty relaxed over here, I can fit it in around you if you want. I just find all these old books so fascinating, y'know.”

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Jensen answered quietly, guilt flaring that he did know. He found solace in the books now, even more than he had before. Anything that he could put between himself and the world is how Chris described it, maybe in his better moments Jensen would acknowledge the truth in that.

Jared sighed, “Over here they're more concerned with the new stock I’d like to . . . get to know more about it, like how the themes just keep recurring over and over.”

"Um. . . look if you need to bring the book over, Chris will be here and he's great you know . . . he'll be able to tell you straight out if it's the real deal." Jensen could hear the fear in his own voice and flushed with embarrassment at the thought of someone else recognizing it as such.

Jensen wasn’t even sure if the guy on the other end of the line had even heard him as he continued to ramble on, “My little sister was watching a movie the other day, and God it was awful but at the heart of it, it was just Romeo and Juliet, ya know!” Jared’s flow paused for a moment, then he said, “Uh Chris? Is that who I ask for? Is that you?

"It's a popular theme, Shakespeare was really on to something with that."

Jared laughed, “Oh yeah!” The enthusiasm was heartfelt. “Star-crossed lovers, friends and families on opposite sides . . . awesome!”

"Leonardo di Caprio in the movie though - not the guy for the job. All that singing was a bad move too." Jensen's voice was quiet, reluctant to allow the guy to go back to the questions about whether he would be there when he arrived.

"I hear ya, man." The throaty chuckle added to the infectious warmth of the speaker’s voice, "Anyway I'm Jared, did you say you were Chris? I need to ask for Chris? Right? Oh hang on!" There was a muffled conversation in the background. “Sam says I have to send it with the courier, I need to work through and take my break later.” The disappointment in his voice was obvious.

"No problem. Hope you get your break at some point. If the courier hangs on, it won't take long for us to check it out." Jensen relaxed a fraction, "You know he could, like, bring it straight back to you." Jensen shifted awkwardly, guilt at how relieved he was feeling that he wouldn't have to see anyone new today washing through him. "I guess that would make you popular with the customers?"

“Hey that'd be good, um, do you have an email? I mean so I could ask you if there’s anything I need clarified - about the book. Customers! I’m pretty popular with them anyway!” Jared laughed, “But yeah, I have a buyer if it’s genuine, if it’s fake I might buy it myself as a curio.”

Jensen hesitated before answering, “Sure. . . email. . . I guess so. . . it's . . . it’s chrisk@weknowourbooks.com.” It was easier that way Jensen told himself, then if the guy ever did get back in touch, it would be with Chris. Problem solved.

“Cool, well it was nice talking to you, Chris. Gotta go now, thanks for your help with this.”

Jensen answered, automatic responses kicking in, “No problem. You know where we are if you need anything in the future. Watch out for the bad remakes of the good books."

Jared hung up with a soft click; he looked at the book in front of him. Really he had nothing but gut instinct to go on but the book just didn’t feel right. He wished he’d had the time to meet the specialist; it was rare for him to meet anyone who shared his passion for books.

Jensen let himself drop backwards in his seat, a sigh of relief that he'd got through the conversation intact, now he just had to go find Chris and give him a piece of his mind. Chris was just as good at this stuff as he was and he knew Jensen didn't want to be dealing with people right now. People in general, but absolutely definitely not people who he didn't know.

* * *

To: chrisk@weknowourbooks.com  
From: Sasquatch69@gmail.com  
Thanks for your help with the book today, it was good to have my opinion confirmed, I sort of knew it was wrong but didn't know why if you know what I mean. Still, it’s made a good addition to my collection anyway! Thanks again, Jay

  


* * *

  
"JENSEN!!!" the shout echoed across the stockroom floor. "JENSEN!" Jensen sighed and looked up in irritation at Chris, it's not like he was hard to find, not like Chris really needed to shout like the room was the size of a football field. He moved across the room towards Chris.

"You wanted something?" he asked.

"Care to explain why I've got an email from someone called Sasquatch69 about a book I've supposedly given an opinion on?"

"Oh! Must have sent your business card instead of mine when I returned that book the courier brought earlier. Sorry! Was the guy okay with the details we sent? Did he have any other questions?"

"No," Chris sighed. He knew perfectly well that if that was what Jensen had done, it had been anything but an accident. The guy had sounded nice enough on the phone earlier but . . . well who knew. Still it wouldn't harm to find out a little more. "I'll let you get on then," Chris said abruptly turning away and heading back to the office.

To: Sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From: ChrisK@weknowourbooks.com  
Hey Sasquatch! Glad you weren't too distraught by the verdict. Dare I ask why Sasquatch? At least it's not as boring as the official office ones we have here! You know where to find us next time you have an interesting book.

To: chrisk@weknowourbooks.com  
From: Sasquatch69@gmail.com  
Oh my god! I so totally didn’t mean to use my personal email - I guess I forgot to logout when I was checking my messages in my lunch break! Anyway it’s kind of lame but it was my high school nickname - I hit 6ft at the end of 8th grade so it kind of stuck! It was nice talking to you about movies, now all my friends have left college I’m the only one left – it’s weird to realize I’ve lived here four years but don’t know anyone. Sorry, I’m rambling again; my friends say I do that a lot. If you want to talk about movies or books or anything you can always mail me. My customer from today said he’s clearing out his uncle’s library so there may well be more stuff I need help with. Maybe chat to you again soon, Jared

To: Sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From: Chrisk@weknowourbooks.com  
Give us a call anytime. We're more than happy to be of assistance and you know we're always willing to chat and pass the time of day particularly when it's quiet. There's nothing better than a good movie, but as my dearest friend would say a bad movie is the quickest way to destroy an amazing book.

From: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
To: chrisk@weknowourbooks.com  
Dear Chris,  
We don’t get so much quiet time over here that I can talk very often. It'll be different when Jeff comes back but at the moment he's on some sort of extended vacation, jet setting round the world. I'd love to travel but I’ve never been anywhere but here and home, that’s Texas by the way, do you know it? Anyway I’m getting the inventory from that library today so I’ll email you if I think anything looks interesting. Do you have a personal collection? Is there anything you want me to look out for you? I mainly stick to the curios at the moment - like the first edition that wasn't! But I've got a really nice early Austen and I’m hoping to get some more. I guess you think I’m a bit of a dork for liking that sort of novel, everyone else does!

To Sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From chrisk@weknowourbooks.com  
Hey dude,  
Between us we have quite a few books but you know what we tend to deal more than keep them to ourselves now, just as a hobby though. It’s just a sideline! The ‘real’ book stuff keeps us busy enough in the average day. We do have a collection of Mervyn Peake stuff - kind of out there, you've not got as many people wanting to buy as a Dickens or something equally well-known but the stuff is classic, you should try reading his stuff if you never have. We've also got older stuff; some Russian authors (the first editions in English! Not the originals, although knowing the dude currently hiding out in the stockroom avoiding the office work that needs doing, he could probably read that as well!)

* * *

Chris had just about finished going through the last of the mail when the phone rang. It ought to be easier to get Jensen into the office than it was. It’s not like many people walked in to see them, or not many people who didn’t already know what to expect, but no Jensen had taken to hiding out in the stock room for as much of the day as he could. Chris picked up the phone. "Hello, Can I help you?"

"Uh hi, it’s Jared from Pageturners, could I speak to Chris please?"

It took a moment for Chris to put the pieces together and remember that this was the guy he’d been emailing, the guy Jensen had spoken to earlier. "Yeah, sure I'll just go and get him for you, can you hold? Jen won't be a minute."

Chris hurried Jensen out of the stockroom and into the office to take the call. "Hello? Who is this please?"

"Oh hi, it’s Jared. Anyway I said I'd call when that inventory came in. It’s got some awesome stuff on it but it came from the same library as the hooky Du Maurier so I guessed I’d better check over anything I want pretty carefully and . . ." As before the guy almost tripped over his words in an enthusiastic rush of sound.

Jensen listened, the memory of his own enthusiasm tickling at the edges of his consciousness. He remembered the joy of exploring boxes of old books, emptying long neglected libraries, taking pleasure in his work. He leant forward letting his forehead drop and rest on his hand with his elbow poised on the desk before him.

"Hey? Hey, Chris, are you still there?

"Yeah, still here. So, what have you found?" Jensen forced his breathing to calm; trying to believe the words would sound okay to Jared's ears.

"I'm sorry, I know I get kinda carried away but it’s like this is my dream job, y'know. It’s like I’ve been let loose in a candy store. I see all this great stuff and I don't know where to turn first!"

"Yeah I know," Jensen's voice caught with emotion as he whispered the words. "I remember that."

"Anyway, I thought I’d go out and look, it’s only just out of town. But the Poetry sounds promising and so do some of the English classics. Oh, I noticed a copy of Gormenghast - first American edition meant to be in excellent condition. Do you want to come with me or maybe give me some pointers, I mean the end papers were a bit of a give away on the other book but is there anything else I should look out for?”

Jensen gulped, "Thanks for the offer, but I'm kinda tied to the office right now. Um, the most obvious clue and you'd be surprised how often I've seen this will be when they actually get the publishing date wrong or where it was first published - you'd be amazed how many English classics the forgers haven't realized just how old they're supposed to be!"

“Aw that’s a shame; I mean I sort of know all the stuff in theory but had only done a little practical stuff with Jeff when he decided to go off on his road trip. Still if you're tied to the office maybe I can take my blackberry and email you if I come up against anything odd . . . or I know this is kind of cheeky, but maybe you'd have half an hour to talk me through it?”

"Sure, one of us will get back to you if you mail it, or yeah, call us when you get there and we can talk about . . . whatever you need."

“That’s really good of you, sir. I guess I shouldn’t have asked when you just said you were so busy. My mamma always says I speak without thinking. I guess half the time I know my stuff but I’m so used to running everything by Sandy I didn’t trust my own judgement.”

"Sandy?"

Jensen could hear the smile in his voice as Jared replied, “Oh, she was my best friend at college, I'm the only one here now - they all moved away or went back home once they graduated, I liked it here so I stayed.”

Jensen nodded, before remembering he was on the phone. "I guess I was lucky like that. A lot of my friends stuck around, are still here you know."

“I guess I’m just stubborn, Mom wanted me to go back home but the job with Sam came up and it seemed like a godsend. I fit in up here; I’m still kind of a moving target back there." There was a hint of something terribly lonely about Jared's voice that seemed at odds with his normally exuberant manner.

"You'll find friends soon I'm sure. New circle after College, that's all. Sam’s crowd, they're okay, aren't they?"

"Yeah, I guess. They're all quite a bit older than me, at college twenty-four was very old, and these guys make me feel like a baby.”

Jensen felt the hint of a smile tug at his lips as he said, "Twenty-four!!! You are a baby!" He gulped as soon as the words left his mouth, cringing at his forwardness. Opening his eyes again reluctantly, he couldn't believe his luck when he saw Chris standing smirking in the doorway.

Jared felt like the guy could see the blush that was staining his face across the telephone. "I uh, sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone, I didn’t mean they were like old or anything," he stammered

Jensen's voice had dropped back to its now familiar almost whisper, "'s okay. I remember what it was like to be 24 and everyone else was older. Funnily enough, they're still old and getting older,” He flicked his gaze back to Chris with a pointed glare, Chris just laughed and turned away. “ . . . And twenty four wasn't that long ago."

"I guess you don’t sound like you're older or anything, and in your emails you sound pretty cool,” Jared offered.

"Um, yeah look, I better get back to work before the boss gets . . . well you know. . ."

"Oh, yeah sorry, it was only meant to be a quick call, you're real easy to talk to, y'know? So I’m heading over to look at the library this afternoon - d'you mind if I call you again? Or I could email - or IM. I . . . I . . . just if it’s too much trouble I'm sure I'll be fine."

"See how it goes, you know where we are . . ."

"That’s cool then, Chris, nice talking to you again.”

"Erm yeah," Jensen felt the blush of embarrassment color his cheeks as he still avoided correcting Jared's assumption.

Jared felt strangely excited as he hung up the phone and began to scan the list of books again. He liked talking to the guy, he sounded so gentle and unassuming on the phone. Jared was pretty sure he'd find an excuse to call him again later.

Jensen hung up the phone and glared at Chris. "What are you standing there looking all smug for?"

To:Chrisk@weknowourbooks.com  
From: Sasquatch69@gmail.com  
So, hey again, already! It was nice talking to you and I just realized that you didn’t say if you wanted the Gormenghast or not? I guess if you don’t get back to me I'll pick it up anyway since you said it was worth having. I read it once - ages ago, I saw it on TV - it wasn't too bad a program actually although it was a BBC production rather than a movie so maybe that explains it. Anyway it was good to talk to you - did I already say that? LOL I guess maybe I'm having senior moment now - twenty-four is older than I thought!!! Catch you later maybe,  
Jared

* * *

Both men's attention was drawn to the computer as the beep of incoming mail broke the silence between them. "Wow! That guy sure types quick!" said Chris with a smirk.

“Asshole!” Jensen griped. “Don’t walk away from me!” he shouted as Chris turned as if to head back down to the stock room. “Get here and do your fucking job!”

“So I take it you don’t want me to fetch lunch today and that you’re going to go to the coffee shop. They’ll be pleased to see you.”

“Too busy!” Jensen muttered, looking away and avoiding Chris’ eyes deliberately.

“Jen . . .” Chris began softly.

“If you’re hungry, fine! Take your lunch break now and I’ll manage while you’re gone!” Jensen snapped curtly.

Chris crossed the room and perched on the desk beside his friend with a sigh. “Jen, we’re not that busy . . . we could close up for fifteen minutes, go down, pick something up and come back together. We wouldn’t even have to stay, but you know it would make Jason’s day if you came down and said hi.”

“Just go, Chris. Jason isn’t expecting me to come down there, so he’s hardly going to be heartbroken when you turn up on your own.” Chris hated the sound of defeat in Jensen’s voice.

“Jen, please, it’s just Jason’s . . . it’ll be fine.”

“No! NO! Can’t you get that through your head? I am not going. Just fuck off and leave me alone.” Chris recognized the choked sound in his friend’s voice that meant he was pushing too far. He hadn’t really meant to push Jensen so hard, not this time anyway. Chris stood slowly, allowing his hand to drop to Jensen’s shoulder and squeeze gently offering what reassurance he could.

He moved to the door, turning before he left to say quietly, “I’m sorry, Jen. I’ll bring you back something okay. I didn’t mean to push, I just. . .”

Jensen’s voice was quiet again as he cut Chris off, “Just go, Chris. It’s cool and . . . and I’m sorry too. I’ll see to the emails while you’re gone.”

  



	2. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

Jared could feel the familiar bubble of excitement rising in his belly as he pushed open the library door. The shelves were mostly empty now; all the run of the mill stuff was already boxed up ready to go. The store that he worked in had a good reputation as antiquarian book specialists so they had been called in to check over anything that was potentially rare or extra valuable. Problem was, thought Jared, the specialist was Jeff. They’d only worked together for a couple of months before Jeff had some sort of mid life crisis and set off on a trip round Europe, leaving Jared to cope with the antiquarian section on his own. This was fine as long as he only encountered run of the mill stuff but he was going to need back up on anything a bit more unusual which was why Sam had directed him to the guys at We Know Our Books who it seemed were also very knowledgeable about the collectible titles.

Usually Jared’s job entailed acting as middle man between the book dealers and the collectors. Daily he trawled through lists of what people were looking for and what people had to offer then arranged the sales. Occasionally though people would bring books into the store or offer him books directly, and this was what Jared enjoyed most.

There was something intoxicating about being surrounded by the thoughts, words and feelings that belonged to the great writers of the past. He’d always been fascinated by books; reading for hours into the night and acing every literature test and book review he’d ever been set. He guessed if he’d been smaller or less outgoing he’d have had a real hard time of it in school, as it was the teasing he received for being a nerd or a bookworm was for the most part gentle and good natured. Even so he’d quickly learned to hide that part of his nature as far as possible; he tried out for basketball and the swim team and put on a façade of being the class clown, fooling around and making people laugh.

He’d blossomed at college, studying the books and literature he loved and being surrounded by people who wanted to know him for who he was rather than his ability to make them laugh had allowed him to relax and explore his full potential. Now, without the love and support of his friends on a daily basis he was beginning to feel lost again. He knew he could never go back to the small town he’d grown up in but he didn’t know where he could go instead.

He felt a sudden spike of jealousy toward Jeff pierce him with an almost physical pain. Just as he’d begun to view the older man with affection and respect he’d taken off to travel to all the places Jared longed to visit himself but didn’t have the money or the confidence to go to.

Jared took a deep breath and pulled himself back to his present task. The library where he now stood had been owned by an elderly gentleman with an extremely eclectic taste in books. The inventory had spanned centuries and continents although the books had been poorly stored which dramatically decreased their value.

Side-stepping the piles of boxes Jared made his way to the desk where the books he’d wanted to see had been laid out. He discarded several immediately because they were in such poor condition - the pages were foxed and the covers battered. The rest of the books were fairly run of the mill and it only took a little while for Jared to be able to select the ones he knew he would be able to find buyers for and discard the ones which were too readily available for him to be able to sell easily. Three others proved to be forgeries, very cleverly done for the most part but one had the wrong date on it as Chris had predicted. Jared found himself almost sorry that the afternoon had been so easy, he would have liked an excuse to ring the man again, the soft, gentle voice with its rare flashes of humor was intriguing Jared more each time they spoke.

On a whim Jared added the copy of Gormenghast to the pile of books he wanted, although it had the wrong publication date Chris had said the books were good so he figured he’d add it to his own collection of curios. Jared carefully packed up the books he wanted and then filled out the receipt for the owner, just as he signed his name with a flourish Jared’s blackberry warbled out his standard ringtone - the theme tune to Friends, thanks to Chad, who had downloaded it for him at their end of college leaving party and Jared still hadn’t had the heart to change it.

%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&

  
Conversation over, Jensen watched as Chris walked away, guilt flooding through him at the way he was treating his best friend. Chris didn't need any more hassle than he already had making sure Jensen got through the day. He opened the email and read through Jared's message. 'Gormenghast'. An idea began to run through his mind.

Jensen reached for the phone and put a call through to Pageturners to ask for Jared.

"Hey, Sam Ferris here. Can I help you?"

Jensen took another deep breath before answering, “Yeah Sam, hi . . . er could I speak to Jared please?”

"Jared's not here right now, can I help you?"

"Oh sorry, it's Jensen. Jensen over at Weknowourbooks. He said he was going to look at some books and I . . . I was interested in one of the titles he thought might be there.”

"Oh hey there, Honey, long time no see. How are you doing now?"

“Fine. Yeah I'm fine. I - I was interested in a book for Chris you know, a surprise, kind of thing."

"Sure, well I'll get Jared to give you a call when he gets back. Y'know, Jensen? We were all so sorry to hear . . . well, you know. I'm glad you're back at work again."

“K, yeah thanks. I gotta go." Jensen hung up quickly before Sam could say anymore.

Sam frowned softly and tapped her pen on the desk. Jensen sounded so jumpy, maybe he had needed to speak to Jared, the kid was so soft hearted he had a way of getting under anyone's skin. Picking up the phone again she tapped in Jared's number.

  
Jared checked to see who was calling, "Oh hey Sam, I've nearly finished up here, I'll be back soon."

"Okay that's great, Honey; just there was a call for you. Do you think you could give Jensen a ring? I've got his number for you in case you don't have it to hand."

"Uh, I don’t think I know anyone called Jensen."

"He's interested in one of the books you're looking at I think, he said you'd been telling him about the collection."

"I dunno, I called a few collectors about the inventory, put out a few feelers, you know."

“Well, he's always such a sweetheart and always so helpful when we need advice. You know Jeff often contacts him and Chris, what those two boys don't know about collectible books ain't worth knowing. But I thought you'd been talking to him, about that Du Maurier book?"

“Oh! I think I’ve been dealing with Chris," Jared offered.

"Really? I got the impression that Jensen had spoken to you himself. Poor boy's so jumpy maybe I misunderstood. Anyway, it sounded like he was interested in one of the books you're looking at now. Do you think you could see your way to giving him a call?"

"Yes of course," Jared was a little confused as to why this guy wanted to talk to him, maybe Chris had passed on the details of the books he'd mentioned. Saying goodbye to his boss, Jared scrolled through his contacts to find the number for We Know Our Books and pressed call.

The phone rang and Jensen looked at it sharply. He took a deep calming breath, then answered, "Hello, We Know Our Books, can I help you?"

"Uh hi, is that Chris? Sam said to give Jensen a call, I said you were my contact here, but she was quite insistent that it was Jensen who wanted me."

"That's me." Jensen could feel his nerves raging. His voice was quiet, barely more than a whisper as he tried to control it and keep the words even and unpanicked.

"Oh uh, sorry, I guess I got confused, I can’t have been concentrating or something, I'm so sorry, it was I guess the email and I just assumed. . . sorry." Jared's voice trailed off confused.

"Chris. . . Chris answered your emails. . . "

"Oh."

"Sorry. I . . . I didn't mean to confuse you." He knew he needed to speak up but it was taking everything in him to keep talking at all.

Jared took a deep breath and he thought back over the emails, now he thought about it the tone had been different to the calls, there was still something about this man's voice though - something lost and lonely that spoke to Jared. "Hey, it’s cool. So what did you want anyway, y'know, when you called Sam?"

"I . . . um . . . you mentioned . . . you said you thought there was a . . . was a copy of Gormenghast. I - I thought maybe I could buy it, if it's any good. Chris would - Chris would love it, I think."

Jared felt his heart drop suddenly and he didn’t know why, "Oh, I'm sorry, it’s a fake, I was going to buy it for my curios collection.”

"Oh right. . . sorry to have put you to all that bother. I'll . . . sorry. . ."

"No, no it's cool, I'm sure I know where I can get you another copy if you want something special for your . . . friend?"

"I - I owe him. I have to do something to put it all right, you know? I've got to find some way to make it right; it can't go on like this." Jensen tried to control the desperation in his voice. He'd thrown so much abuse at Chris over the last few months, abuse that Chris didn't deserve. He wouldn't be here if it weren't for Chris, he'd have given up, he wouldn't be still struggling because even now he wasn't sure if it was worth the struggle, but Chris wouldn't let him stop.

Jared felt helpless, like he wanted to reach out across the empty space and take the man in his arms, there was so much pain and hurt in his voice. "It's fine," Jared soothed again, "Why don't you mail me from your address so we can try and come up with something, better not to keep using his if it’s about a gift for him, is it?" Jared listened to the gentle breathing on the phone, the man was obviously struggling with what to say next.

"Thank you. He - he likes . . . Yeah, Chris likes Ernest Hemingway, he's got a few. I tried before. . . I tried to get him a copy of 'Islands in the Stream' but it was a forgery. It had a date before his death so. . ." Jensen paused aware of his rambling. He took a breath before apologizing, "Or Dashiell Hammett. We . . . We got him one of those for . . . before. . . Sorry. . . you're probably really busy. I shouldn't be bothering you with this."

"No, I swear that’s fine, in fact I know of a couple of guys, who might be able to help me track that down pretty quickly. I’ll call them as soon as I get back to the store and let you know prices and stuff later on today if you like."

"Thank you. Yeah, thanks." Jensen set the phone back down on its cradle quietly, trying to calm himself down before Chris returned.

Jared stared at his phone still more than a little confused; maybe Sam would be able to throw some light on the subject when he got back

  


* * *

  
To: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From: Jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
Hey Jared,  
Thanks for saying that you would look out for one of the books for me. I appreciate it. If you get anything interesting, even if it's not one of the ones we spoke about, I might be interested.  
Thank you,  
Jensen.

To: Jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
From: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
Hey, it’s only when I keep using it I realize what a dumb email account this is - as with most of the embarrassing things in my life it was set up by my dear friend Chad and he gets upset if I threaten to change so I guess I’m stuck with it! Anyway it’s no trouble looking for the books; I always like to keep an eye out for something a bit different. I think it’s great that you want to do something nice for your friend; I guess I’m missing my friends a lot at the moment - even the coffee shop where we used to hang out doesn't seem right without them. If I didn’t have Chad sending me stupid texts every 5 minutes I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Anyway I think I’ve rambled quite enough for now - I'll get back to you about the books asap although my detective fiction main contact is out of town for a couple of days.  
Take care, Jay

To: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From: Jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
Maybe you need to try a new coffee shop. Chris goes to a good one down the street from here. It's called Jason's Place. Jason's a cool guy. The prices are fair and there's quite a good crowd meet there. Jason organizes stuff too, you know like book clubs, music sessions. If you're still struggling to find things to do now your friends have moved on I know the guys down there would welcome you in. I could speak to Chris, he's real friendly and he wouldn't mind you using him to get to know a few people.  
I hope you don't take offense, I just wanted to repay a little of your kindness.  
Thanks again for your help. Jensen.

To : Jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
From: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
Man, that's so cool of you, you are such a nice guy. I'm afraid I can be a bit over the top sometimes, Sam says I need to tone it down a bit for the customers, but you’re not really a customer, are you? Not sure what you are really - I guess I like having you to talk to and ask questions. Truth be told I'm still a bit pissed at Jeff for going off like that - he was just starting to mean something to me - professionally and personally and then he’s suddenly off and gone leaving me in the lurch. Sometimes I feel so lost when I look at the piles of lists and questions that appear on my desk each week. It’s kind of reassuring to know that you've got my back if I need you.

Sorry I guess I’m off topic again! What I meant to say was, thank you for reccing the coffee shop I called over there in my break and Jason did seem a nice guy - if I do go to some of the evening thingies, will you be at any of them? I figure the least I can do is buy you a coffee - I'm guessing you drink it strong and dark, Columbian roast and full caffeine! Tell me if I'm right!  
Jay

To: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From: jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
Dear Jared,  
Please don't think badly of Jeff for leaving. It was important for him to go and he really didn't do it to leave you in the lurch although I'm sure from your point of view it is quite difficult. If there is anything Chris or I can do to help, just let us know.  
Jensen

 _Dear Jensen,  
This is really hard for me to write – I’m sending snail mail so there is no other copy and please burn this one when you’ve read it. Sorry, that sounds a bit melodramatic, doesn’t it? Sorry, sorry, blame it on too much loneliness and tequila. I don’t blame Jeff for going, I blame myself for making him leave._

 _I came on to him, told him how much I liked him. I think it was only a silly crush really but I didn’t even think about how it would have affected our working relationship. He was real nice, said he was flattered but straight and it was cool, but two days after he was gone.  
Sorry, burn this,  
sorry, Jared_

Jensen turned the letter over and over in his hands, tears edging his eyes. He couldn't talk about this, he couldn't! Not even to put Jared's mind at rest. He read the letter again and knew that he couldn't leave Jared to suffer this alone, no matter how it made him feel inside.

He moved across to the phone and picked up the receiver dialing Jared's cell number rapidly before he had time to back out. It was answered almost immediately. "Hello Jared," Jensen didn't even try to speak up, just hoped that Jared would be able to hear what he had to say. "You have to listen to me, Jared, you have to understand something about Jeff. . . It wasn't you, you're not the reason Jeff has gone. Believe me I know."

"Uh hey, Jensen. God! Sorry, I was having a pity party, I never meant to mail that.”

"You have to know it though Jared, Jeff going. It . . . It was going to happen before but he held on, he tried to hold on but then he couldn't wait anymore and someone has to do it. Someone has to live his dream!" Jensen seemed to be trying to impress the importance of something that he was saying but Jared was taken aback, not sure what Jensen meant exactly but reassured by his heartfelt words nonetheless.

Jensen swallowed repeatedly trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. He had to do this for Jeff's sake, it wasn't fair that this blame should be placed so unfairly on his shoulders. "It's . . . it's not really my place to talk about Jeff like this, but you have to know he's a good man and I've never known him to hurt anyone deliberately."

"I know, I know that, it was my fault, it was unprofessional of me to approach him like that.” Jared swallowed and tried to joke "I really should learn to stay away from that tequila, huh?”

"I - I have to go," Jensen could feel the panic welling inside. He shouldn't have called; he should have left well alone.

"No, please. . . please stay. I'm not at work today. I . . . I'm sitting here in Jason's and having another pity party I guess. It’s good to hear your voice.” There’s silence from the other end of the phone and Jared bites down hard on his lip, he knows he sounds pathetic and needy and desperate but there's something about this man, about Jensen that makes Jared want to spill his heart out. "Please?" his voice is an absurd little whisper that makes Jared hate himself more, he’s about to hang up, spare himself any further embarrassment when . . .

The quiet words come through the phone, "I - I don't know what to say." There was a hitch in Jensen’s breath as he said the words, he could feel the sweat gathering between his palm and the phone receiver he was holding but he was trying so hard not to just give in. Jared sounded like he needed someone and God! Jensen knew what that felt like.

"I'm always apologizing to you, aren’t I? I mean I don’t always go on like this to someone I've never met," Jared's voice was still shaky but he was a little more composed. The barista was shooting him concerned looks and Jared hunched smaller over his cell phone.

"It's . . . it's okay. I understand. You just - just have to hang in there, give it - give it time, it'll get easier." Jensen felt like the biggest fraud on the planet as he reassured the young man on the other end of the phone and wondered what Chris would think to hear his own words being recycled. He ran his empty hand down his face wearily, wondering when the words would actually start to be true.

"Jason . . . is that the guy here? He keeps giving me funny looks! I better go soon. I . . . you really do understand, don’t you? You’re different; it’s not just words with you. Thank you, I gotta go." Jared’s hands were shaking as he clicked the phone shut. He sat staring into his almost empty mug of coffee and wondered how he hadn't noticed that his life was falling apart again.

"Hey, you need a top up in that mug?" The barista's smile was wide, his voice warm.

Jared blinked as he dragged himself out of his reverie. He tried to plaster on his trade mark goofy grin but didn’t really have the heart for it. "Cool, thanks," he muttered, sliding his mug across the table.

"Difficult phone call?" the other man asked.

"I'm good," Jared took a big swallow of coffee hoping to deflect further conversation.

"Listen, you've been around a few times lately . . . have you just moved in to the area? In case you're wondering or looking for anything to do, you know to help you settle in, we have a whole bunch of stuff that goes on here during the week if you're interested. Friday nights we have live music, you should drop by some time and listen."

"Yeah, my fr . . . Jensen told me, he suggested I come here."

"Jensen? Jensen told you to come here?" The smile dropped from the barista's face and he looked really shocked, but he recovered rapidly and sat down opposite Jared. "Well if Jen told you to come then you're triply welcome." He held out a hand, "The name's Jason . . ."

"Jared," he offered, clasping the other man's hand briefly. "It was Jensen I was on the phone to, he's been a real big help to me, I kind of got dropped in at the deep end at work and he's been keeping an eye on me, well, him and Chris."

"Aw, that's my boys for you. You should definitely come to one of the music nights; I can guarantee Chris will be here for that, so you'll know someone before you even start. That's if we can drag him away from performing long enough to find out what else he's been up to lately!"

“Chris performs?" Jared found himself intrigued, "How about Jensen, will he be here?"

"Yeah, most weeks Chris gets up for at least a few songs. Steve is our main performer, but Chris and he often sing together and Chris will give him a break. I've even been known to go up myself." He carefully avoided answering the question about Jensen, wondering how well this guy actually knew Jen.

Jared picked his words carefully, not wanting to pry. "Uh, Jensen talks about Chris a lot, I guess they're pretty close?"

"Yeah, best friends and workmates, roomies, you name it the two of them have been there and done it. They met when Jen came out here to study. They met at a book study thing and Chris was able to help Jen out finding somewhere to stay when he had a few problems. It brings out all of Chris’ big brother streak when Jen's around”

The guy was cagey, that was for sure, Jensen seemed pretty hung up on Chris, but Jared still couldn't figure out if they were in a relationship or not. For Jason to talk about a big brother streak seemed odd if they were, but Jared wasn’t sure. Perhaps these guys were right - it was time to stop brooding on this stuff, what he needed was to relax a bit and have some fun. He grinned again, this time with genuine warmth "Well, it sounds like fun, I'll be here, what time did you say?"

"That'll be cool, starts about eight but the good stuff is after nine! I'll tell Chris to look out for you, shall I?" Jason asked. "He can introduce you to the gang. Do you sing? Shall I put you down for a few songs?"

"Hell no! Really not a good idea!"

"Okay!" Jason laughed. "Well, I look forward to seeing you on Saturday and you know just in case I don't get chance to chat then it'll be good to see you. It can get kind of . . . busy in here and I don't always have time to stop and chat." He held out his hand again, "Well Jared, it was good to meet you. See you again soon."

Jared shook the man's hand before standing, up. "It was good to meet you too; I used to hang out over the other side of town, near the campus. I guess it’s time I found someplace grown up to be."

"Grown up!! Definitely not that! I refuse to allow any growing up on these premises - and if you don't believe me, stick around for an hour and you should see this afternoon's book club! Believe me, not what you'd expect." He grinned before adding, "No, perhaps you better not hang around - young meat like you! Those women from the Sheltered Housing down the road would eat you alive, boy!"

Jared grinned and stretched, pulling himself up from his slouch to his full 6' 5". "I'd like to see them try! Mind, I like chick lit well enough, it’s just the chicks I don't do." He peered out from under his eyelashes to see how the other man would react. There was no point getting friendly with a new bunch of people for them to be freaked out by Jared's sexuality.

Jason started to laugh, "Oh dude! I dare ya! You stay . . . Chick Lit . . . Chick Lit! You think that's what the old girls are reading!!! Man, I'd love to see you here with them. You really don't know what you're letting yourself in for!"

"Not that I don't appreciate the offer but I got to go do my laundry and food shop, I've got to go in to work this afternoon, Sam still hasn't found anyone to replace Jeff yet."

"Coward!" Jason laughed. "Anyway, we'll see you Friday, if not before. Hope the rest of the week goes well, can't have you skipping out on laundry duty and I'd imagine the food shop takes a while for a guy your size!"

Jared laughed, feeling a new lightness all of a sudden, Jensen had been right; this was a good place to come.

[Chapter 3 - For whom the bell tolls](http://community.livejournal.com/j2purpleprose/2241.html#cutid1)   



	3. </b> Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

  
Jensen flicked restlessly from channel to channel before flicking the TV off and reaching for the remote to turn on the music. He could hear Chris moving round the kitchen but he left him to it.

"Jensen, you ready, dude?" Chris asked from the door. Jensen shook his head; he'd known it was coming. Every week, Chris would try to coerce Jensen into a trip to the supermarket to do the main shop and every week Jensen said no. Jensen didn't know why he persisted with it, he knew what the answer was, he knew . . .

"Jen, come on, dude. You cannot spend the whole weekend shut up in here!"

"I've got stuff to do," Jensen kept his voice calm, but determined. He didn't want to fight with Chris. He was tired, it had been a difficult week and yesterday's trip to the hospital had just finished him off altogether. He hadn't been able to pull himself together to do his exercise regime yet and really needed Chris to be out when he did because he knew it was going to hurt and he didn't need Chris to see that.

"Jen," Chris flopped on the seat beside him. "I don't want to argue with you but . . . you know it worries me you not going out at all any more. I don't want you to spend the rest of your life hiding out in this apartment or the stock room." He let a hand tousle Jensen's hair. "We should go get that cut before you can't see where you're going anymore or you start filing all the books in the wrong order."

Jensen knocked his hand away and gave him a disparaging look, "I'm not a kid! Look, really I have stuff to do - I've got a new workout to get to grips with, a bit of time without you breathing down my neck would be handy. Then one of us needs to do some cleaning round this place."

"Okay, I'll make a deal with you. I'll leave you here to do the cleaning and you wait for me to be back to start on the workout." Chris kept his voice calm, hoping that Jensen would agree without a battle.

"Chris. . ." Jensen's voice started plaintively.

Chris interrupted him, "Jen, please. I worry. When you're here on your own doing that stuff, it worries me sick. Please wait till I'm back, I won't interfere; I'll stay out of the way; out of the room. Just let me know that I'm in shouting distance if you need me. I can't come back and see you . . . I can't come back and find you like . . .Please Jensen?"

Jensen's cheeks flushed with embarrassment, but he nodded his assent. Chris shifted to sit on the coffee table facing Jensen before he spoke again, "Jen, I'm sorry. It's . . . Yesterday was bad, wasn't it?" Jensen wouldn't meet his eyes but granted Chris a nod to show that he was right. "You don't have to try and hide it, I get it, man, I get how much it hurts. It would be good if you . . . if you had something to look forward to. I know you won't come this evening, but we could go for a coffee down at Jason's now while it's quiet."

"Not today, Chris," Jensen's voice was quiet. "I can't, not today . . . maybe next time."

  


* * *

To: jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
From: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
Hi Jensen,  
Thanks for being so nice to me on the phone the other day. It's good of you to take an interest in a mixed up kid like me. I promise I'm pretty normal most of the time - I guess Texas suddenly felt a very long way away! Anyway I got talking to the dude in the coffee shop and I'm coming to the gig tonight. Maybe I'll see you there.  
Thanks again, Jared

  
To: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From: jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
Glad you met Jason, he's a good guy and I'm sure you'll enjoy the music. Steve has a really good voice, Jason too if he manages to pull himself away from looking after the customers for long enough to sing. Chris will no doubt crash someone else's set and get one of his own; he's a bit of a diva! Hope you have a good night. Hope things are easing up at work for you.  
Jensen

  
Nervously Jared pushed open the door, the coffee bar looked very different at night, the lighting far dimmer and more intimate, some of the chairs had been shoved around to make room for a small, raised stage area. Jason was busily serving pizza to a small gang of women sitting in the window and a couple of guys were tuning their guitars at the side of the stage. Jason looked up and waved as Jared turned from closing the door behind him. Relieved at being recognized Jared walked over to return his greeting with a smile.

"You want a good seat? I'd try the set over there," Jason pointed, "Or if you want to keep the coffee topped up, come and grab a seat over by the counter."

"I'll come to the counter, I think," Jared peered over, "Hey that’s the same coffee machine we had in the student lounge, if you're busy I could give you a hand."

Jason's grin grew wider and he let a laugh, "Well I'm not going to say no to that offer! But boy, you don't know what you're letting yourself in for!"

"It's cool. I'm happier being busy anyway, never was much of one to be sitting around."

"Come on round then," Jason said, guiding Jared with a hand in the small of his back, "Better get you started before the rush, so you're in the swing."

Jared grinned, glad to have something to do, his evenings had been pretty lonely recently and Jason's easy friendship and the warm buzz of the bar were making him feel more at ease than he'd been in a long time.

Jason moved easily around the behind the counter passing a few orders back into the small kitchen area as he talked to Jared, pointing out a few things so he could find them when he needed. He then leant on the counter waving Jared to stand alongside him so he could point out a few of the customers. Jared listened intently, eager to learn as much as he could about the place.

"So when Chris comes in, make sure his coffee supply is continuous until 10.30, then he gets cut off, if he goes home too caffeinated Jen will never forgive you - and you can believe that I'll be telling him it was your fault, not mine!"

“So Jensen won't be coming in tonight?" Jared struggled to hide his disappointment.

"Nah, Jen doesn't come by any more," Jason said regretfully before leaving Jared alone behind the counter and heading out to a new table of customers.

The evening flew by, Jared was in a whirl as he served customers chatting and laughing as he worked the familiar coffee machine. He'd worked in the student lounge for most of his time at college and it had been a great way to meet people. The music was awesome and he didn’t hesitate to tell Chris what he thought when the man came up for yet another coffee in the interval.

"Good to meet you, man," Chris offered his hand. "Jason tells me you’re the infamous Jared! So how'd it go with the books? You find any worth keeping?"

"Yeah, some. Most of them had been ruined by the poor conditions though. It's a shame how some people treat books." Jared grinned a blinding smile and shook his fringe out of his eyes, "Listen to me talking about work when I'm having the most fun I've had in ages!"

"You wanna join me for a song? I'm gonna do another stint in a bit. Steve has got a few real paying gigs this week, so we can't risk him straining his vocal chords too much, ya know!"

"No man, really! Thanks for the offer but I really don’t sing. But I'm fine here on my own for a bit if you want to grab Jason."

"Aw, you don't know what you're missing," Chris laughed as he walked back towards the stage, just as Steve was setting down his guitar. He tousled Steve's hair, receiving a smack around the head for his efforts.

Jason looked across at Jared, then pointed at Chris once he was sure he had eye contact and made a throat slitting movement and pointed towards a coffee cup. Jared grinned and raised his hand to show that he'd got the message then quickly settled into the familiar pattern of serving and clearing, passing the empties through to the kitchen and taking the pizzas to the tables. It was undemanding and fun, he chatted easily with the customers - particularly the group of women in the window table who seemed to take great delight in ordering their lattes one at a time to ensure he had to make frequent trips to their table.

Steve and Jason were laughing as they watched him return from his fourth trip to the table of women. "Oh they've sucked you in to that one, dude!" Steve said warmly. "Is there one that catches your eye?"

Jason nudged him in the ribs and gave a quick shake of the head.

Jared laughed at the man’s clumsy attempt at subtlety and shook his head, "Nah, they don’t float my boat!"

Steve laughed, then indicated another table and said, "Maybe you want to spend more time over in that direction then! There's at least one guy on that table whose eyes have been following your ass back and forth across the room all night!"

Jared looked over and gave the guy that Steve indicated an appraising look, "Nah, too short. I'd break a tiny little thing like that!" he joked. Jason just shook his head in despair at Steve's complete lack of subtlety but smiled at Jared relieved that the big guy hadn't taken offense.

"So, you going up there tonight?" Steve asked, serious again. "I'm sure Jared can handle this while you sing a few songs. And I could help him out if you're worried."

Jason's eyes widened in alarm and he turned to Jared, "Do not EVER under ANY circumstances let this man within arm's reach of my coffee machine - is that understood?"

Jared held up his hand in a Boy Scout salute. "I promise," he laughed, the easy banter between these two was fun to join in with.

Jason turned back to Steve, serious again, "I don't know if I can. It . . . It's not the same without him."

Jared was aware of the sudden undercurrent of tension that flashed between them and diplomatically turned away. Steve leant in closer, as he said, "He'd be upset if he thought you weren't singing. I know it's not the same, but he wouldn't want you to stop. You know that . . . hell, do it for him!"

"One song! That's all, I'll do one. It's not fair to leave Jared on his own for too long and before you say anything I know he can cope, but I'm not gonna take advantage of the guy!" Jason leant across the counter to Jared and asked, "You okay, if I get up and do one song?"

Jared waved him away with a smile, “Man - just go for it, I'm fine, I'm enjoying myself honestly." He grinned across the room. "Wait a minute ladies, I'm on my way," he yelled, balancing glasses on a tray. He was pretty sure they were slipping vodka into the orange juices they'd switched to buying but their rowdiness was good-humored and Jason didn't seem to mind.

With another flash of his earsplitting grin, he gently swatted away one of the girls’ hands as she tried to pinch his butt. "Now come on, honey,” he teased, “I’m a good Texas boy, I promised my momma I'd stay pure till my wedding night!”

Jason made his way hesitantly to the stage area, where he was greeted by Chris who had just finished a song. Chris stood lifting his guitar strap over his head and handing it to Jason with a gentle smile, different to the flirtatious grin smirk he'd had on his face for most of the evening.

"Hey ya'll, just before I leave the stage, I gotta say thanks for listening and will ya'll give it up for my man, Jason. You know dude, we've missed you." It seemed as though everyone in the bar saw something that Jared was missing in the fact that Jason was going to sing, a sudden hush descended over everyone; even the rowdy women turned silently to face the stage.

"Hey ya'll. Good to see you, it's been a while. I'm just gonna do the one song tonight and before I do, I'd ask you all to raise your drinks and spare a thought for the friends who aren't with us tonight."

Jared looked at Chris and Steve who were watching with serious expressions; Jared saw to his shock that Chris' eyes were wet, though the man dashed the tears away with the back of his hand before anyone else noticed them.

Jason ran his fingers over the strings of the guitar coaxing the notes from them as the audience appeared to hold their breath.

"I can feel a heartbeat from a thousand miles." The words seemed to swell as they spread through the room. "And the heavens open every time she smiles."

Steve gasped as Jason began to sing, his grip on his coffee cup turning his knuckles white. Jared felt paralyzed, separated from the stricken man by the bar but knowing instinctively that his sympathy would be unwelcome.

The song went on, "She give me love, love, love, Crazy Love." Nobody in the audience moved, not a sound was uttered. Chris's expression was stricken.

Jared felt hopeless again, the evening that had started out so well was going to hell but he hadn’t a clue why.

Jason's song ended and he lifted the guitar strap over his head facing away from everyone, his own eyes as tear-filled as half of the audience. Chris and Steve were both out of their seats and heading for the stage when the audience seemed to come out of their stunned silence and suddenly there was the biggest round of applause there'd been all evening. As soon as the applause began the melancholy spell was broken and Jared heaved a sigh of relief as the tension seemed to drain away from the room.

Steve had wrapped his arms around Jason as soon as he stepped off the stage and Chris was hovering alongside anxiously. Everyone else seemed to just have accepted what was happening and be giving the men some space.

Jared tried to give them a wide berth, clearing tables with rapid efficiency and saying goodbye to the customers who were starting to gather their belongings together to leave. Glancing at his watch he was surprised to see how late it was, the evening had passed so fast.

Steve stepped back and with a gentle hand passed over Chris' back, he stepped up onto the stage to start clearing away the guitars as Chris wrapped his arms round Jason and leant in murmuring something that no one else could hear.

Jared felt a lump rise up in his throat as he watched them out of the corner of his eye. He missed Chad and Sandy so much all of a sudden, friends like that, the ones you could be yourself around, the ones who would hold you and make you feel loved, they were the ones who meant more to him than any of the boyfriends he'd had over the years. He wondered again why Jensen wasn't here when he was such an avid champion of the place and the people in it.

Jason had regained his composure by the time he reached Jared's side. "Man, you've done an awesome job tonight," he said moving over to the cash register and opening the drawer to take out some cash. "Anytime you want to pull a shift here, you're more than welcome." He held out the cash to Jared.

"No, man I couldn't. It's been awesome, I couldn't," he found himself stuttering, he hadn't expected to be paid and he didn’t know how to deal with the situation.

"Listen dude, I want you to come back again, customer and staff! The last thing I want is to put you off the establishment. You've done me a great favor tonight; you really have, so please. I'd feel bad if you don't take this."

Jared nodded, "Well, I won’t say it won’t be welcome, I'm saving up to go travelling."

"Come by again and we'll chat if it's quiet - if you want some shifts, if you're serious about saving, I could . . . I could see my way for that. Everyone should go travelling, see the world. Everyone should have a dream and get the chance to. . ." He choked on the words unable to finish what he'd started to say. He closed his eyes a moment before repeating, "Like I said, come by again and if you want some shifts, I could do that. Thanks for everything tonight."

Jared clasped his hand gratefully, wishing he could hold him like Steve had done. "Thanks, man. Really - it beats sitting at home watching bad TV night after night."

Steve was back at Jason's side, offering his own hand to Jared, "It was good to meet you, dude. Hope we'll see you again."

"Hell yeah - you'll never get rid of me now!" Jared teased.

  


* * *

  
To: jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
From: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
Hey man,  
Thanks for the rec - it was awesome at Jason’s place tonight - those guys can really sing. Chris did his diva thing really well and so did the others. The pizza was good too - beats the hell out of the mac & cheese I've been living on all week to pay for my new books anyway! I kind of hoped you’d be there - since you think the place is so cool and all, but maybe next week? Take care, Jensen, maybe I'll call you in the morning if I have any news on the detective fiction.  
Sleep well,  
Jared.

* * *

Chris let himself back into the apartment quietly. He slipped his shoes off as soon as the door was closed and padded softly into the lounge, where the room was lit by the flash of color from the TV, the sound turned low. He wasn't surprised to find Jensen asleep on his side on the couch.

"Jen," Chris kept his voice soft, wanting to wake Jensen and let him head into his room to sleep, but not wanting to scare him. It was good to see him relaxed the tension and pain evident during the day seemed to be blissfully absent right now. "Jen, come on wake up. It's time you were in your own bed and not sprawled on the couch, dude."

Jensen's hand came up to rub at his eyes as he opened them, looking sleepily at Chris, "You're home. Wha's up?"

"Nothing dude, it's cool. We had a good night tonight," he debated for a moment, "Jason sang," he added softly.

"Why ya telling me that? Can't get Jase off that stage, he's like you - a diva!" Jensen's voice was still sleep-slurred, as he awkwardly tried to push himself upright.

Chris leaned forward to help him, "We need your sasquatch here - he's freakin' huge! Nice kid though - made himself real useful."

"Jared . . . he okay? He . . . We talked the other day." Jensen toyed nervously with a loose thread at the bottom of his sweater sleeve.

"Jason said the kid seemed a bit down when he came in the other day, but he seemed fine tonight. He can handle himself too - Angie and her crowd were trying it on with him but he soon sorted them out."

"'s cool. Think he's lonely, needs a few friends. It's not good for him to be on his own. Knew Jase's place would suit him."

"He asked about you a couple of times, wondered if you'd be there tonight. Does he know . . . " Chris indicated the wheelchair beside the couch.

"I dunno. It was Sam who told him to get in touch; he's been round all of you guys. You tell me!" Jensen's words held more bite than the conversation had needed so far. His eyes dropped guiltily, "Sorry," he murmured.

"Jensen. . ." Chris said helplessly, "come on man, you're tired, you want me to help you through to the bedroom or are you staying here for the night?"

"It hurts Chris!" Jensen whispered guiltily. "It hurts bad, I - I couldn't make it stop. I had to take the painkillers but it's still there. I can still feel it."

"Jesus Jen! Why didn’t you call me? I'd have come home for you, you know I would.”

Jensen’s eyes opened wider, confusion clear as he said, "I - I don't want you to have to do that. Just . . . I - I can't make it there not on my own. Not now."

Chris immediately brought the chair closer to the couch; he knew Jensen was in too much pain now for Chris to haul him to the bedroom. As gently as possible he maneuvered his friend into the chair and took him through to his bed. A lever at the base lowered the bed until Jensen could swing into it easily. On a good day he was independent but it broke Chris’s heart to see how much his friend was suffering today.

"How many of the pain meds did you take, Jen? Can I give you anything else?"

"Just what was out. No more, I didn't get any more. I'm trying Chris, you have to believe me, I'm trying. Think it's the new exercises from the hospital."

“Jen! Christ man you're infuriating sometimes! It's not about that, if you need them you should take them. You don’t have to suffer like this."

Jensen looked and sounded utterly confused, "No! 's not what I meant. . . 's alright, I'm just tired, 's all. Not making any sense. Just tired."

"All right, Jen it’s ok." Choking back the lump in his throat, Chris plugged in the heat pad and positioned it over Jensen’s lower back. "Hang on in there, dude, I'm gonna get you a shot - I think you've gone beyond pills now." Jensen's eyes were drifting closed when Chris made it back into the room. Gently he administered the shot into the top of Jensen’s thigh and massaged the muscle to speed the drug on its way. Rearranging the covers he sat by Jensen's side and held his hand as he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

  
Jensen pushed his chair easily down into the kitchen and started to poke in the fridge to see what he could do for breakfast. Bits and pieces of the previous evening's conversations kept flashing back to him, adding to the morning's feeling of disorientation. He pushed himself up out of his chair supporting his weight against the counter top.

Chris burst into the kitchen "Are you trying to give me heart failure or just make my hair go grey with the stress!”

Jensen looked round surprised, "Are you trying to give me heart failure bursting in like that or just make me lose my balance, dumbass?" He turned back to the eggs he was whisking, leaving Chris to look at his back.

Chris grinned, "Well good morning sunshine! Glad to see you're back to being your happy little self again."

"Eggs . . . scrambled. That okay? You get the toast?"

"Good morning ,Chris; did you sleep well, Chris? Thanks for putting me to bed last night Chris," he snarked under his breath as he put the toast on and began to make the coffee.

"You want breakfast or not? I can quite easily do just enough for myself."

"I'm doing it, sweetie!" Chris quipped ruffling Jensen's hair again as he passed.

"I take it you got plenty of adulation from your adoring fans then last night."

"Yeah - with your Sasquatch cheering away with the best of 'em. Just so as you know he's on your team too - out and proud."

"Oh right," Jensen sounded uncomfortable.

"Sorry,” Chris was instantly contrite, he was attuned to so many of Jensen’s moods that he realized that he'd hit a nerve somehow.

"You . . . You said," Jensen's fingers drummed nervously as he tried to get the words out while he waited for the pan to cook the eggs in to warm up. "You said Jason sang last night, like . . ." He looked over his shoulder at Chris, his features distressed, "like he doesn't sing normally."

"Jen, I'm sorry. It never occurred to me before. I swear I wasn’t hiding it from you on purpose. He hasn't sung without you, it was the first time he got on stage since, well you know.”

"Why? Why wouldn't he sing?"

“No big deal, Jen, he just didn’t want to sing alone and he couldn’t leave the coffee bar unattended either. He . . . well he’s been running things pretty much single handed. Didn't want to hire anyone else."

"Jeff phoned last night. . ." the words were soft, tentative between them.

"Oh Jen. We all miss him so much, we're all just . . . of course it’s worse for you and Jeff but he was special to all of us."

"Jeff said," Jensen breathed heavily trying to keep his roiling emotions under control, "He's thinking maybe he won't come back. He's found some project or other and he's thinking maybe he'd rather just do that than come back here." Jensen moved awkwardly back to the wheelchair and let himself drop onto its seat heavily. "He gave me an address. He asked . . . he's asked me to send him . . . send . . ." He barely held onto the choked sob. "He wants the photo albums. He wants _his_ albums."

"Aw Jen." Chris sank to his knees beside the wheelchair and leaned in so that their foreheads were nearly touching, "Baby. I'm sure he doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have the pictures, we can scan them in, make new albums for you to keep."

Jensen nodded and wiped a hand across his face muttering, "Sorry" as he started to push himself up again to move back to the stove.

"Don't be sorry - you've every right to grieve. You need those pictures as much as he does."

"I'm sorry about last night, I - after he called - I was," Jensen's voice dropped to a whisper, "I was angry. I wanted to be good enough; I knew I was already sore but I tried, I tried to do some more of the new exercises."

"More? Jensen, the physio said to take it slowly when you introduced them into your routine. I know you want to speed up the healing process but if you're not careful you'll make things worse.”

"I just . . . I just want rid of that . . . that thing." he gritted, not even looking in the direction of the wheelchair. “I want people to stop looking at me like I . . . I . . . Jeff hates me. He wishes it had been me, wishes they killed me. . ."

The eggs were burning well now but Chris set them off the cooker without looking, pulling Jensen into his arms "Jen, no, he doesn’t, it’s not your fault, really it’s not.”

"I - I burnt the eggs."

“Fuck the eggs! No one , _no one_ wishes it was you. Not him, not even Jeff. Sure we all want him back but not at the expense of you, never that. All we want now is to have you back.”

Jensen nodded silently for a moment, resting his head against Chris' shoulder before pulling himself upright again with a grimace. "I should . . . I should get ready, I was going to go in to work, there's some stuff I wanted to sort out. Can - Can you give me a hand getting the straps on the support for my back right."

"Jen? We could give it a miss today, stay home if you want."

"It's okay, Chris. I can go in to work, it's not like anyone's going to be disturbing me. I just need to go over some of the accounts and work out what to do about getting some new people out doing the research."

"Uh Jen, it’s . . . last night, Jared started helping out and Jason offered him a job, Tom's job. He's saving money because he wants to go travelling."

"That's good." Jensen's voice was detached, his face blank. "Jason shouldn't be struggling on his own." He blinked so slowly, Chris wasn't sure his eyes were going to open without something else happening. "Jared needs to be making friends."

"He's really funny, the guys all liked him . . . but he was looking for you, I could hear it in his voice how disappointed he was that you weren't going to be there. Come with me today, Jen, come for coffee after work, he'll be there then, please."

Jensen's eyes met Chris', filled with love and loss, hurt and fear. "I'm sorry. I can't."

"I know,” Chris sighed, smiling fondly at his friend, “but I’m not going to stop asking and one day . . . one day you'll say yes. Then we'll walk right on in there and when they say how are you doing you'll say I'm fine, and it'll be the truth. You're going to beat this, Jensen, you are."

"One day. . ." he murmured with a nod.


	4. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

Jensen was sat at Chris’ desk in the office going over the accounts when he noticed his email flashing at him. Opening it up, he found a message from Jared. After reading it, he clicked on reply.

To: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From: jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
I'm glad to hear you had such a good time the night before last. Chris tells me everyone was on form and that you even met Angie and her girls. Chris tells me that you're really tall, so I guess you probably manged to fend them off!  
Another good session to look out for is the Sunday late afternoon, travel guide book club, it's like a cross between a book club and a holiday planners event.  
Well I hope you're having a relaxing Sunday. Oh and while I think about it don't let any of the guys try to convince you into trying out the Friday afternoon book club, unless you're of very, very strong disposition!  
Regards,  
Jensen

To :jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
From: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
What the hell happens at that club?! I mean Jason invited me along actually - I got the impression that it was some sort of chick lit thing - Bridget Jones maybe? Saturday - Coffees - 11, cigs - 0, bruises on ass from being mauled by Angie - 7!  
LOL - anyway, I'm going to spend the morning reading the papers, then I'm heading over to Jason's to do the lunchtime shift. I didn’t have any plans for later but the travel club sounds good.

To: Sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From: jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
If you're at Jase's for lunch, he does a lovely bacon, brie and cranberry ciabatta if you like that kind of thing. As for the Friday book club - chick lit! Well not exactly! Although the members of the group are all women - would feel wrong to call them chicks as most of them are past 70! Mind you knowing them, they'd probably love it if you did call them that.  
Have a good day,  
Jensen

* * *

Jensen returned to his work, trying to reconcile the stock levels and calculate what they needed to order. He knew Chris had already looked through the new releases and had planned their intake of those titles and had started organizing the advertizing to all their usual clientele. The company wasn’t huge or at least this aspect of it wasn’t, Jensen and Chris were more or less all the staff that was needed. It didn’t take much to get someone in from the temp agency if they needed the extra hands in the stockroom. In reality, Jensen didn’t need to be in working on a Sunday or any of the evenings he’d worked late this week. But he tried to stay down in the stock room during the day as much as possible where he could avoid the occasional face to face visitors or even talking to people on the phone if he could. He wasn’t even fooling Chris anymore and somehow that just made him feel worse about it.

His computer beeped again and he immediately clicked on the open email button.

* * *

Jared had settled back to read the papers before tidying round his small apartment. Then just before he left, he decided to send one more email.

To: jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
From: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
Hey man,  
Hope you're having a good day. I chilled out this morning and am just getting ready to head off to Jason's for the lunch shift - reckon I’ll get a free ciabatta thing for my troubles? LOL - seriously I'm more of a steak man myself but for you - I'll try the cheese thing! You've never let me down with any of your recommendations so far.  
Seriously though - you work too hard, why don’t I ever see you down there when all these guys are your friends? I really want to meet you in person, it's okay - I mean I'm not expecting you to be Meg Ryan or anything! Just . . . well, we always seem to find plenty to talk about and I'd just like to meet you in person someday - I'm sure you can't be that hideous! Well - no worse than me anyway - LOL.  
Hoping to catch you around,  
Jared

Jared hit the send button quickly before he changed his mind. He was aware that he was become more than a little dependant on this strange friendship he and Jensen were developing but for the moment anyway he didn't think they were hurting anyone by pursuing it.

It was a warm day so he didn't bother with a jacket as he strolled to work; it was only a few blocks away from where he was living anyway. He passed the bookstore and thought wryly that he really didn't like the garishly printed covers of the modern paperbacks that Sam favored for the window display.

It was all so out there - no mystery. Hell! Half the time you didn't need to read the book - you could tell everything from the cover. He preferred the soft leather or linen of his old hardbacks any day, colors muted by time; the barest information of title and author meaning the reader had to do a little work for themselves. Laughing at himself and imagining Chad's remarks meant that he was still smiling as he pushed open the door to the coffee bar and called out a greeting to Jason and Chris who were chatting at the counter.

* * *

 _Earlier That Morning_

Chris opened the door to Jason's Place to find Jason alone behind the counter. "Hey Jase," he called as he moved in to the coffee shop and headed for the seats at the counter. "How's it going today, dude? Has it been this quiet all day?"

Jason looked up and smiled, "Chris, good to see you, dude. Pretty quiet so far, but I have hopes for lunch time! Not like you to come down on a Sunday. You and Jen not going to lunch over at his folks today?"

"No, Jen's gone in to work today," Chris said resigned. "Not like he'd need to be in today if he'd just do his office stuff during our normal hours, but he hides out in that stock room for most of the day. I mean I know it takes him longer to move the stuff, it's not like I couldn't do more of it or we could get someone else in, but no he has to hide out down there away from everyone until we've officially closed and he is certain no-one is going to come in or call!"

Jason reached across the counter and squeezed Chris' shoulder. "You're doing so well with him, Chris. I wish he'd let the rest of us help too, hell I wish we could be there with him. I miss him, ya know."

"Their last book is due out soon . . ." Chris murmured as Jason set a mug of coffee down in front of him. Jason sighed and his eyes meeting Chris', both of their expressions pain filled, neither man sure of what more they could say. The impasse was broken as the door opened again.

Jason's eyes came up to see who had come in. He smiled slowly, sadly as Jared approached.

"Hey guys."

"Jared," Jason deliberately relaxed a fraction, "Good to see you."

Jared flashed them a questioning look, afraid that he'd interrupted something. "I'm starved - can I grab something to eat before I start? Jen said the Bacon, Brie and Cranberry was good, I can go in the kitchen if you're busy"

"Jen said. . ." Chris started, cutting himself off before he said any more.

"That's cool, Bacon, Brie and Cranberry ciabatta - that's always been his favorite! He's not biased at all - the only reason it's on the menu is because he won't let me change it!" Jason laughed. "He's always trying to convince people to eat it so I don't take it off !"

Jared laughed, "I have to say the steak and onion would be more my style, but I promised him I'd try it!"

"Well, we'll just have to keep an eye on him! Don't want him influencing you too much!"

Jared was aware that there was something underneath Jason's words that he didn't understand, something about the way Chris had frozen, his eyes tight and his lips pressed into a thin line. Maybe the man was jealous; he still hadn't managed to figure out quite how close Chris and Jensen were.

"Why don't you have a seat and a chat with Chris and I'll go and rustle up some lunch while we're quiet?" Jason offered warmly. "Chris, you want something?"

Chris nodded and said, "I'll have the usual, thanks." Jason retreated into the kitchen leaving Jared to take a seat alongside Chris.

Chris took another sip of his coffee and wondered what to say to the man beside him. It was his fault that he and Jensen were in touch and right now he wasn't sure whether it was a good thing or not. He couldn't figure any of it anymore. He was running out of ideas to help Jensen. He just wanted the old Jensen back.

Jared shot Chris a wary look, "I. . . I don't want you to think I'm prying or anything but . . . you don't have to worry about me being . . . a threat to what you and Jensen have." Jared took a deep breath as he picked his words carefully. "He's just . . . I guess he's been like a mentor to me, filled a gap when I need it, to teach me stuff, y'know? I felt kind of lost when Jeff left."

Chris cast a confused look at Jared. "I - I don't get you, sorry. Jen and I?" He gulped as the realization of what Jared might mean dawned, "Jensen and I, we - we work together, share an apartment. We aren't . . . We aren't _you know_ if that's what you're worried about!"

“Yeah, he always talks about you like you're really special, and the way you looked at me just now I . . . sorry, I thought you were jealous." Jared's voice trailed off as he flushed. Damnit! He'd put his foot in it again.

"He's - he's been, I guess, my best friend for . . . We all . . ." He looked through the hatch to the kitchen at Jason, "Jensen was . . . a college friend I met throufh Steveand we met Jason through Jensen."

"Oh," Jared peered up at Chris still looking impossibly small for someone so huge.

"So . . .So Jase was telling me you're going to be pulling some shifts here now? Don't get me wrong, but aren't you working over at Pageturners?" Chris tried to change the subject from Jensen to something safer.

"Oh yeah but I like to keep busy, y'know? I'm only doing some evenings and stuff. Anyway, I'm not so busy at the bookshop as I was. I think a lot of the people who collect the older stuff preferred to deal with Jeff."

"They'll get used to you; it used to come in fits and starts anyway, even for Jeff, you know. It's not like with the up-to-date stuff, people are always in and out to buy a new book, the latest release, but a collector’s item . . . yeah, people are more fussy and they don't buy them so often." Chris smiled warmly at the young man beside him before shouting through to the kitchen, “Come on Jase, what's taking so long?!"

"Yeah, I guess. But the antiquarian stuff was very much Jeff’s side of the business, Sam isn't so keen, maybe it'll be easier when he comes back."

Chris looked at Jared, wondered if Jeff had said anything to Sam yet about not coming back or whether it was only Jensen who'd had that news. Chris had always got on fine with Jeff, but things hadn't been good since Tom had died. He got it was painful, god there wasn't one among them who didn't miss Tom but Jeff hadn't been easy on Jensen.  
Jeff's loss had only increased Jensen's burden, Jensen's misplaced sense of guilt. "So has Sam had any news from Jeff then?" he asked instead.

Jared shook his head, "Not as far as I know, well only a couple of postcards anyway."

Jason appeared back from the kitchen with two plates and set one in front of each man. "You not eating?" Chris asked.

"I'm doing a take-out run and am going to eat mine with a friend now I have this wonderful person to look after the shop while I'm out and you're here to bus the tables - now remember to be nice to my customers or I'll take it out of your wages." Chris looked at him suspiciously, but Jason just turned to Jared and asked, "You be okay on your own for a half hour with Chris to help if there's a rush on?"

"Yeah, no worries man, Sophia's got the kitchen under control, I can handle the coffee monster so he's only got to sit here and look pretty anyway!"

Chris turned his head sharply and glared at Jared affronted. Jason laughed, "Oh he'll do his best at that," before moving back into the kitchen to pick up the stuff wrapped to go.

Jared took a bite out of his sandwich, "Hey, this is good ya' know? Well for something that's not meat or dessert anyway; I guess Jensen knows his sandwiches as well as his books!"

"Guess he does," Chris said, subdued next to him, poking at his own sandwich distractedly. Suddenly Chris pushed his stool back and walked abruptly into the kitchen and up to Jason. "You're going to see him, aren't you?"

"Chris, don't worry about it. He's on his own territory, I'm not going to pick a fight or anything and if it's too much for him, I promise I'll leave and come and get you." Chris grunted his disapproval before giving up and heading back out to slump down on to the seat beside Jared.

Jared finished his sandwich and stood up. He let his hand rest on Chris' shoulder for a moment. "What you need is more caffeine!" he said, trying to lift the mood. The machine was an old model and complicated but it made damn fine coffee, Jared thought as he made them both double espressos.

Chris graced Jared with a sad smile, grateful for his attempts to relieve the tension without prying. "Sounds good, thanks." he said quietly. "So, erm, what brought you to these parts then, Jay?”

“Well I’ve been here about four years now; I was at the grad school so I lived near the campus. I moved to this side of town when I graduated and got the job with Jeff."

"Cool, funny that. . . 's how we all came to be here," Chris gave Jared a genuine full-on grin this time. "So what were you studying then?"

"Dude, I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you!"

"Very funny, dude! 's a good grad school though, we had a good time there, guess that's why we all stayed afterwards - last I heard though there were no secret CIA courses run through there though!” Chris smirked.

"Promise you won't laugh? Eighteenth Century English Literature. I specialized in female authors - Jane Austen and the Brontes!"

"That's cool. Hey, dude, there'll be no laughing from me! A giant male romantic is making me coffee - I ain't gonna laugh at him in case he cuts off the supply!"

“See I knew you'd laugh! They were brilliant writers - Austen's insight into the societal mores of her generation and class were unique."

Chris snorted in reply as he added, "Give me a Dickens any day."

"And size has nothing to do with it - although don’t let anyone tell you that size doesn't matter because it so does - especially when it comes to Dickens." He grinned impishly; "Leave my Pride and Prejudice alone and I won’t make fun of your Little Dorrit!"

"Ah, but I have Great Expectations for the future, you see!”

"Well, with a little Persuasion I might just let you have another coffee while you tell me more about Our Mutual Friend!"

"You know I feel like I should be able to make some witty riposte with Wuthering Heights when you're so tall, dude, but it's just not coming to me right now, so I guess I'm going to have to admit defeat!" Chris grumbled.

Jared laughed, a warm throaty chuckle, "We'll call it a draw then," he suggested.

"Okay. I can live with that . . . so you didn't decide to go back home to Texas then when you finished?"

Jared's eyes clouded and he turned away, he took the coffee pot and went to refill the mugs of the few customers that were eating in. Pulling himself together he went back to face Chris, "I was done with hiding, the town I came from was . . . small, small minded too. I miss my mama and chat to my kid sister on the net most days . . . but I wanted to be myself and I can’t do that there."

Chris flushed with embarrassment when he realized that in trying to avoid the direction Jared had been pushing the conversation, he’d unintentionally turned it to something that made Jared feel equally awkward. "Oh, sorry, I - I shouldn't . . . yeah, it's easier here, most of the time."

"Nah, it's cool. Especially now I've got this place and you guys. One day I'd like to go there, to England.”

"That's a good dream to have. . ." Chris seemed slightly distracted by that thought.

“I'm saving up - at this rate I reckon I'll manage it about 2013! I want to see Wimpole Street and Menabilly and even Whitby Bay and do the Dracula trail.”

"You know your stuff!"

“So many of the best books were written there I guess. . . I guess if I'm ever going to write one myself I might be able to over there."

Chris nodded in agreement, "A lot of inspiration comes from travelling; powerful stuff new experiences like that."

"Yeah," Jared's voice was wistful, “I'd love to go but . . ."

"You should never give up on a dream like that. Always have something to aim for. . ." Chris had a faraway look in his eyes.

"What about Jen? He's always talking about you guys, why don't you bring him over sometime?" Jared felt a bit guilty at changing the subject like this but he wasn't about to admit to Chris that however much he longed to go he was afraid to travel alone.

Chris' expression changed from wistful to startled as Jared turned the conversation back yet again to Jensen. "Jen . . . um . . . he - he doesn't really do crowds like this," he answered, waving his hand vaguely round at the almost empty coffee shop.

Jared looked round confused by the distinct lack of ‘crowd’ in the coffee shop, before he said, “He’s always so friendly and kind on the phone.”

"Yup, that's our Jen for you. So who was it you said picked the Sasquatch for your email?"

“Chad - he was my room mate at college and just a total douche, but I loved the guy. He's my best friend ever in the world and he keeps me sane."

"Boyfriend then?"

Jared laughed then, throwing back his head and guffawing so loud he almost choked. "Hell! No. Chad worked his way through half the female population of the college girls and most of their younger sisters. Also two of my friends’ moms!"

"Ooooh!" Chris' eyebrows raised. "When you said douche. . ."

"So - enough about my bff, tell me about yours. Seriously, man? Why will nobody tell me anything about Jensen? Even Sam goes all starry eyed and just says what a sweet boy he is, such a shame! I mean God! I thought the guy was my friend, we spend at least two hours a day phoning, texting or mailing each other. . . So what is it about him that you're not telling me? I wouldn't care you know - not if he’s the boy in the bubble or the elephant man or even the madwoman you keep locked in your attic. I just want to meet him."

"He - he doesn't do that right now - people. It's not a good time for him." Chris looked away guiltily.

Jared threw up his hands in surrender, "Okay, okay I give up! Everything else you guys are the friendliest in the world but Jen's off limits!"

"I'm sorry, it's . . . it's just . . . I'm sorry," Chris closed his eyes and let his head drop onto his hands where they leant on the counter. "Things are just really difficult right now," he murmured without lifting his head, "But it's . . . it's like . . . It's not you, though. It's not got anything to do with you."

Jared moved a little way up the counter to give his friend some space; he served a customer and patiently began wiping cups and putting them on the shelf.

"How do you get him to talk to you so much?" Chris suddenly asked as Jared stood by the coffee machine drawing another customer's order. "He's . . . He's not like that with us anymore?"

Jared looked confused for a minute, then furrowed his brow in concentration as he thought back over some of his conversations. "I suppose at the beginning I didn't really let him get a word in edgewise and then later . . . well we found we had a lot in common. I was pretty lonely for a while and I guess he realized I needed a friend. He's been good to me."

"Thank you . . . thank you for just . . . it's good for him, so thank you. You're a good man, Jared. Don't let anyone ever let you think otherwise."

Jared was touched by Chris's words but was prevented from saying more by the arrival of Angie and the gang for their usual Sunday lunch get-together. Chris leapt up to clear their regular table and Jared was kept busy serving coffees and avoiding painted nails trying to pinch his ass every time he came within striking distance.

* * *

Jensen sat in the office alone. He'd seated himself at Chris' desk and was poring through the accounts working out what needed to be paid and who needed chasing for payments or outstanding delivery. There wasn't really that much to do, not as much as he'd implied to Chris that morning. Not that he believed for an instant that Chris hadn't known exactly how much needed doing.

He checked the emails again, another from Jared. There'd already been one this morning saying that he was going to Jason's to work the lunch time shift. He'd replied, making light of it, suggesting that Jared try the ciabatta, join the travel club. What he hadn't realized was how much it would hurt afterwards. He'd always gone to the travel club with Tom, it was Tom's job that Jared was filling in, well one of them and Jensen wasn't sure how he should feel about that. It hurt, but he wasn't sure that he had any right to feel like that. He didn't really expect Jason to manage on his own indefinitely and if he was honest, in working terms, Jase had been managing a long time now with no one to stand in for him. They'd all been affected in one way or another by Tom's death, but maybe he'd just been being selfish in the way he'd expected everyone to tiptoe round him. Maybe he should have been coping better than he was, but he just felt like everything he did, everywhere he went, everyone he spoke to was a glaring reminder that Tom wasn't with him anymore.

He folded his arms on the desk and rested his head on them wearily. He was so tired by the constant fight, so tired by the knowledge of the pain he was inflicting on what was left of his friends. They hadn't turned away from him, he knew that. He'd pushed them away, knowing that he was the one to blame; he didn't deserve their friendship not anymore, not after Tom. . . He'd pushed and pushed but still Chris had stayed at his side, still he knew that if _he_ turned, if _he_ made the effort, the others would accept him back but . . .

"Hi there, stranger."

Jensen's eyes came up to see the figure standing in the doorway watching him. Fear filled his expression as he took in the sight of his friend, fear and an overwhelming sense of loneliness that brought tears to his eyes.

Jason knew better than to try and comfort his friend, though he was shocked at how changed he was, little lines crinkled the corners of his eyes which were pain filled and haunted. Trying to smile he placed the take out bag on the desk; Chris' desk he noted absently. "Jared said you recommended the Bacon, Brie and Cranberry so I thought I'd better bring you one before he ate them all," he joked.

"Jason?" Jensen's voice was barely audible, one hand twitching towards the man now leaning against Chris' desk as if seeking physical contact.

Unable to restrain himself any longer Jason folded his friend into a bone-crushing hug. "Jesus! Man, it's been too long." Jensen clung on as if his life depended on it, tremors of tension vibrating through him as his hands fisted in the back of Jason's shirt.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" Jason murmured, "I should have come sooner."

Jensen pulled back, shaking his head, "No - no - no you shouldn’t be here!" He pushed at the arms of the chair trying to stand awkwardly.

Jason hesitated for a moment before clasping Jensen's forearm so he could help him up.

Jensen tried to pull away, but he couldn't get free without losing his balance and he wasn't going to let that happen. He couldn't let Jason see how pathetic he really was. "You shouldn't be here," he said again firmly.

"Don't be an asshole!" Jason snapped. "This isn't about me needing to see how much better you're doing! You're here, damnit, and before you say but he isn't - you are the only one that makes it an either-or deal! You were my friend long before I knew him and I thank God every day that you are alive!" He lowered his voice and gently ran his hand down Jensen’s face, "He wouldn't want this for you, abandoning your friends, hiding away in here. He was always so full of life, full of his next big adventure. He'd have hated this. Jen, you’re stronger than him, you can beat this. Please?"

Jensen swayed into the warmth of his friend's hand, the movement subconscious. His eyes closed as his body sought the forgiveness he so craved.

"I sang our song on Friday, for a moment I thought I wouldn't be able to do it and it was so hard to be up there without you. But I could see how much Chris and Steve needed me to do it and damnit! I wanted to do it; to be up there again. Your boy is so much like him and yet so different y'know? So full of plans and dreams but steadier somehow. I looked at him and I realized that however much things change some things will always stay the same." He smiled affectionately, "and that includes how much I love your sorry ass!"

"I - I just - I just feel so," Jensen leant closer to his friend, letting Jason support some of his weight as he murmured, "so lost, Jase. I don't know how to be anymore."

"You don't realize it yet, dude, but you’re getting there. Jay said you spend two hours a day communicating with each other - when was the last time you talked to anyone but Chris?"

Jensen shook his head but didn't pull away. His heart was still pounding in his chest, pounding against the warmth of Jason, the solidity of another body, the warmth of contact. Jensen felt like it had been years since he'd experienced this. He knew it wasn't, hell for a straight guy, Chris was very hands on, just like Jason. The irony had always been that Tom had been the least touchy-feely of them all.

"I've missed you man, I understood when Chris said you needed time after you came out of the hospital, but I think you've had enough time now. It's time to start living again." He held a finger to Jensen's lips before the other man could speak, "I don’t mean become a party animal overnight, that was never you anyway. I just mean keep on going the way you have been - keep texting Jared, coming in to work and when you’re ready come back to my place."

"People look, they watch and stare . . . the - the chair," he said quietly.

"Well, I would just say fuck 'em! But, man honestly? You're standing already. Chris said the physiotherapist is confident he'll have you on crutches in a couple of weeks. I know you wish you could just snap your fingers and be back the way you were but you’ve got to just keep your head down and get on with it. I'll make a deal with you; I won't pester you to come down to my place until you can walk in under your own steam as long as I can come here to hide one night a week while Jared's working! Man that boy can talk!"

Jensen eased his hold on Jason, lowering himself back into Chris' chair, a flicker of pain passing over his features as he settled and adjusted his legs to relieve the pressure on his lower back. He looked down at his fingers as they toyed with the loose threads on his sleeves.

Jason realized that he'd said enough, "Now, your coffee is getting cold and your boy is magic at making coffee so let’s not let my good food go to waste!"

Jensen accepted the proffered cup and took a sip without a word. A couple of sips later, he nodded and said, "'s good. Must be a keeper."

Jason's eyes twinkled, "Well, I don't usually like them as butch as that and I think he'd cost me all my profits if I had to feed him full time but yeah, he's got all the makings of becoming part of the furniture . . . which is what you are if only you weren't so stubborn!"

"Steve?" Jensen fitted a world of questions into the single word.

"He's doing okay, I think. Or he hides it better than the rest of us if he isn't."

"Jeff phoned me. Did Chris tell you?"

"No" Jason looked at Jensen intently, troubled by the tone of his friend’s voice.

Jensen looked away again as he said, "Oh. I - I miss you and Steve so much, Jase." He knew that Jason would be able to tell he was changing the subject, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words again, to repeat what Jeff had said to him.

"You gonna eat too?" Jensen asked as he picked up the sandwich Jason had put in front of him.

"Yeah, yeah, I will, it's nice to know the place is in capable hands while I'm not there. Sophia's amazing in the kitchen, but she won't do front of house for anyone."

"If - if you bring over the - the wheelchair, I'll sit in that and then you can sit here for a while." Jensen could hear the nervousness in his own voice at the prospect of being seen in the wheelchair even though he knew Jason wouldn't be judging him on it.

Jason wheeled it over, knowing how much it had cost Jensen to ask.

"I've been an idiot," Jensen murmured. "I got so much wrong."

"No, you've been human. You've been grieving and you've been in pain," Jason corrected. Jensen shifted himself carefully from Chris' chair to the wheelchair so that Jason could sit down, the flush of embarrassment staining his cheeks as Jason watched him. Jason deliberately ignored Jensen while he got himself settled and concentrated on unpacking the take out bag. A bag of potato chips and two large chocolate cookies complemented the Brie Ciabattas very well, he thought.


	5. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

To: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From : jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
Hey Jared,  
You've been very quiet over the last couple of days, is everything okay? Jason said you were quiet when you were in the coffee shop last night as well. If there's anything we can help with, let us know.  
Regards,  
Jensen

This is We know our books, sorry no one is available to take your call, please leave your message after the beep and someone will get back to you – beeeep.

"Jensen, this is…uh Jensen I just got your mail, if you get this please call me. I really need to talk to you.”

  
Chris rushed out of the stock room but didn't make it to the phone in time to answer but heard Jared's voice as he left a message as he crossed the room. "Shit!" he said as Jared hung up before he could lift the receiver. Rolling his eyes, he turned to head back down to the stock room to pass the message on to Jensen.

"Jen! Phone was for you, I didn't get there in time to answer it - you know we really should get an extension put in down here. At least then when you're hiding I don't have to haul my ass over here every five minutes to fetch you! I could just phone you to head up to read the latest email from Sasquatch! Oh and it was him on the phone by the way, asking you to call him because he got your message. You asking him out, dude and not telling me about it?"

"It's not like that," Jensen said firmly as he pushed his chair through the door to head to the office himself without bothering to take any further notice of Chris' rant.

* * *

Jared shoved papers around his desk, not really looking at what he was doing. It was an excuse really, coming in here to the tiny office he'd shared with Jeff. A place to hide while he tried to come to terms with Sam's news.

As he dialed Jared's direct line, Jensen figured Chris would have had something to say about the fact that apparently at some point without realizing it Jensen had memorized the number and hadn't needed to either program it into his phone or look it up. It probably meant something but Jensen wasn't sure what. "Er, hey Jared ?. . . it's Jensen," he said when the line was answered.

"I think it's because I'm so tall . . .”

“Sorry?”

"Sorry, sorry. I mean, you've never seen me so you don’t judge me on what I look like. Everyone thinks because I'm big I must be tough, confident, not have any feelings."

Jensen felt like he'd missed half of the conversation but he didn't let that put him off, "I don't think everyone feels like that . . . not from what Chris and Jase say about you."

"I've been so stupid, Jensen." Jared’s voice was barely audible, "I don't know what to do and I'm scared!"

Jensen felt his own anxiety flare but couldn't work out whether it was for himself or for Jared. He wasn’t convinced that he was the person who could help Jared, but he couldn’t leave him alone like this. He clamped it down determinedly before he spoke, his voice quiet, "Tell me what's happened, Jared. Tell me, let - let me see if we can work it out."

At the sound of Jensen’s voice, soft with concern Jared felt the thread of his control break. Unable to speak, he clutched the phone with tears rolling down his face.

"Oh God, Jare, tell me, what's happened? Tell me please," Jensen pleaded.

"Sorry, it's nothing, sorry. Look, I’m fine. I’ll call you later, okay? I’ didn’t mean to bother you at work."

Jensen's voice was still soft as he spoke again, "It's not nothing. You can tell me. I'm here."

"D'you remember what I told you about Jeff? I've driven him away for good - he's not coming back!” Jared's voice was choked with quiet anguish.

Jensen shuddered at Jared's words, guilt coursing through him. It wasn't Jared that had driven Jeff away. Jensen closed his eyes and drew a ragged breath before doing his best to compose himself enough to answer. "Jare, you have to listen to me, you have to believe me. What - What I'm going to tell you . . . it . . . it isn't easy for anyone to talk about. Jeff - Jeff had a younger brother, his name - his name was T-Tom. He was our friend too." Jensen gasped for breath, his hand clenched tight around the phone cord, his body shaking with the effort it took to control his words. "Tom - Tom died, not - not that long ago. Jeff has - has gone because of that, not - not because of you."

"Oh!" Jared let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding in. "Sam said, I thought . . . I'm so selfish, I just assumed it was all about me. I've been so wrapped up in myself I didn't even think there could be another reason for it."

"What did Sam say?" Jensen asked tentatively.

"That she appreciates all I've done to keep everything going in Jeff's absence but since he's not coming back she wants me to wind up that part of the business. See, It's . . . I don’t know why it's upset me this much, she says she'll move me over to the regular staff team so it's not like I'm losing my job or anything . . . being a drama queen again I guess, I shouldn't have disturbed you."

"It's okay . . . I don't mind . . . it helps sometimes to have someone who'll listen. I - I can listen if it helps." Jensen wanted to reach out and reassure the young man on the other end of the line.

"It's just . . . remember when I called you from that old library, and I said how exciting it was? This job was the reason I stayed here when everyone else left, I love these old books, finding some hidden treasure or helping someone find the one book they've been searching for, for years."

"Is that what you've always wanted to do? Is - is there anything else that you've wanted to do?"

"Well, I have a dream, of course I do but . . . It doesn't come with job security. I figured that if I do this job for another three years plus what I'm doing at Jason's now, I'll have enough money to travel for a year. I want to go to England, see where all my favorite books were written or set and maybe, just maybe I could write a book of my own. So I'm just being silly and selfish. It's still the same three years whether I’m selling best-selling paperbacks or first editions, it's just . . ."

Jensen dropped the phone, staring at it stunned . . . there was no way he'd heard that right - no way! The world wasn't that cruel. He felt a tear well at his eye and run down his cheek. He snatched the phone back up but couldn't think of a thing to say. "I . . . You. . . It . . ." he stammered before falling silent.

Jared wiped his eyes. "It's just a dream,” he said softly. “I've never really discussed it - only as a pipe dream anyway. I'm . . . I told you I was scared, I don't think I'll ever go really, I . . . I don't think I could travel alone. See?" He laughed, a bitter self deprecating sound without a trace of humor. "Big guy here, life and soul of the party, everyone expects me to look after them but I'm a coward."

"It's a good dream," Jensen whispered. "Don't . . . don't give up on it."

"Only a dream, I don't even know if I can write anything anyone would want to read anyway."

"You - you should try. If you wanted someone to look it over, see if it’s worth pursuing it, I - I could pass it on to some people I know in the business," Jensen offered, trying his utmost to ignore the clenching fear in his stomach.

“You're always so good to me, thank you so much, your friendship, your support it means the world to me. I’m always so needy and pathetic around you, but you don’t seem to care, you're always so strong and together. Thank you."

"You're strong. You can get through this. It's difficult when you're first starting out to be on your own, away from your friends. It will get easier, you'll see. I know you can do it, Jare."

"I just wish . . . will you be at the coffee bar tonight? It'll be quiet 'cos Steve's got a gig elsewhere. I know I shouldn't bug you about meeting up but you know my every secret now, you can't have anything worse to hide than all my baggage."

"I have to go now," Jensen murmured, not even sure whether his words were loud enough for Jared to hear, but he didn't hang up, just stayed listening to Jared's breathing, wishing he knew how to talk to Jared.

"Okay, well, thank you. And Jen? I'm sorry about your friend, about Tom. You said you were all close to him, it's hard losing someone young like that.”

Jensen clutched the phone tightly and made no move to put the phone down but equally he didn't break the silence.

Jared found himself strangely reluctant to hang up, he knew they'd said their goodbyes but he still felt like there was more to be said, something hanging in the air between, he was almost afraid to break the silence in case he broke something that was still so fragile. "Jen? I won't ask again," he said softly, "I don’t want you to worry when we speak that I might try and force you to see me. What we have I think it could be something really special and I don’t want to do anything to risk that. You're the one thing in my life at the moment that is reliable and safe, I . . . I really like you. You tell me when you're ready to see me okay? Till then this - being able to call you, you calling me, that’s enough."

"Jared . . ." the word was choked off and Jensen couldn't get another sound out for the tears flowing from his eyes and the emotion threatening to overwhelm him. He didn't know who this man was, not really or how he'd managed to break through so many of his defenses but something made him want to reach out, but he couldn't bear the thought of losing Jared once the truth came out.

“Hey," Jared whispered softly, "I won't tell Jase and the guys that we're a pair of girls if you don't."

"I'm sorry . . . so sorry," Jensen said before gently replacing the receiver.

  
To: jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
From: sasquatch69@gmail.com  
Thank you

* * *

"Jen? Hey, buddy have you finished sorting out the Sasquatch yet?" Chris bounded into the office with a pile of mail to deal with. Jensen turned away, desperately trying to clear his face of the tears that hadn't yet stopped flowing, breath hiccoughing as he wished Chris were anywhere but in the room.

"What did he say to you?" Chris was at Jensen's side in a moment, dropping the packages onto the desk. “Jensen, talk to me, what's wrong?" In all the time since Tom's death his friend had never really cried. He had raged, yelled, sworn and thrown things, he'd been suppressing his feelings so badly he had been throwing up with pain and exhaustion but this, this quiet crying, tears pouring down his cheeks was something new.

"Tom - Tom's gone, he's . . . gone."

Dropping to his knees beside Jen’s chair he pulled his friend into his arms, "I know, I know, Jen, it's okay, you can let yourself feel it, you won't fall apart - I won't let you." Jensen resisted Chris' embrace holding himself rigid for a moment before the warmth of Chris' arms and hands on his arms and back finally released the tension and Jensen's hands clutched fiercely at Chris' shirt, even as the tears began to slow, his body was still racked by shudders as he struggled to get enough air to his lungs.

Chris felt the tears begun to run down his own face as they held onto each other and mourned together for all they had lost - friend, lover, hopes and dreams; stolen from them in a moment of someone else's drunken carelessness.

As his breathing returned to normal, the tears drying on his face, Jensen relaxed his grip on Chris' shirt. "Sorry," he whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Chris looked ruefully down at his ruined shirt, tear stained and crumpled. "Dude - we both needed that, I think."

"What's he like?" Jensen asked quietly, "Jared. . . what's he like?"

Chris eased himself up to standing and snagged them both a soda from the chiller. He scooted his chair over beside Jensen and handed him a drink. Flipping open his phone he scrolled through to find some photos taken at the bar at the weekend. "Sophia was messing with my phone on Friday night - here." The pictures weren't very clear but Jensen could see a tall, unfamiliar figure standing behind the counter at the coffee machine. He looked tired and sad, despite the smile he was giving for the photo. Jensen looked longer, the man was well-built, fit looking, with dark almost shaggy hair. He was the sort of man who would draw your eye. The longer Jensen looked at the pictures, the more he thought it wasn't just his height that drew the eye of the casual observer.

"He looks sad," Jensen said to Chris.

"Yeah, well he wasn’t himself this week; I mean I think he misses his friends and family. I think he had problems when he came out - he's never said as much but sort of indicated that there was a reason why he couldn't go home. He's really nice though, he's always got time for everyone, kind of like Jason like that, y'know? Like the old cat lady who comes in on a Wednesday night? He just knew straight away how lonely she is and made the extra effort to chat to her. And Casey? The quiet one in Angie's crowd - he always draws her out, doesn't let her get ignored or forgotten. He notices things."

"He's lonely, he talks to me sometimes." Jensen was hesitant, unsure really what he was trying to say to Chris, what he really wanted to tell him

"Uhuh?"

"He's asked if we can meet. . ." Jensen let the statement drift unfinished.

"He talks about you a lot," Chris offered, "I think he really likes you."

"Tom. . ." Jensen shuddered moving closer to Chris' warmth again.

"Tom he always had so many dreams; maybe it's like Peter Pan you know, maybe he's just gone on that awfully big adventure. Now you're left behind you need to find some dreams of your own, not just keep sharing his."

"You won’t be the man he loved any more if you don’t grasp everything that life sends your way with both hands," Chris continued.

Jensen's voice dropped even quieter and he wouldn't meet Chris' eyes as he spoke, "When I - when Jare talks to me, it feels okay, right, like I should listen . . . but when he - when he asks me something personal, I can't." He clenched his hands into fists, nails digging deep into his palms, his body almost vibrating with tension. "I can't, Chris, I can't. It feels like. . . like I'm cheating on him."

"Jen? You need to let him go, man. It's time. Let’s pack up his albums now, choose a few special memories that you want to keep and let Jeff have the rest. See how you feel when they're gone."

"I can't. I'm not strong enough to let him go. I need him, Chris. I need him. It's not been long enough . . ."

"It's been nearly a year, Jen. I'm not asking you to forget him, just . . . The best way to honor his memory is to live again, because what you're doing at the moment isn't living - it's existing! Remember when we first knew him, when the two of you first started going out? He wanted to go walking on the beach in the dark after that frat party? Do you remember, Jensen - he had his camera with him, well he always had his camera and he said he couldn't get the right angle he wanted for the picture of the waves crashing against the rocks? "

Jensen gave a slow nod.

"He climbed the cliff in the dark and you followed him, he took all his pictures and then the heavens opened and it started raining. ’Y'all can fuck off home now,’ he said ‘Cos I'm gonna make crazy love to this man right here and now - and the show'll be hot enough to turn you all!’ Remember how he laughed then - from where we stood, he looked so pagan and wild - head thrown back as he stood up there peeling his shirt off. He was always the one pulling the stunts, climbing trees, hanging out of windows. That spirit was too huge to be totally gone, it'll live on in his work forever. But you? You've always been a slow burner, you've still got so much left to give if you'd just let yourself.” Chris felt drained, exhausted by the outburst but somehow he felt lighter too, he looked at Jensen to see what effect his words had had.

Jensen allowed one hand to unclench and shifted it to grasp at Chris, unwilling to lose contact with the only thing keeping him grounded. He felt so much still welling up inside of him but didn't know how to let it out, how to express it to Chris, still frightened of what the future held, of losing the past, the memories. How . . . and he didn't know how to even ask the question of Chris, how come they could all forgive him for his part in Tom's death.

Chris grasped Jensen’s hand, grateful that his friend was finally reaching out.

"I'm tired, Chris," Jensen finally admitted.

"Man bottling everything inside like you do has got to be exhausting. Jason, Steve and me? We've got each other, we play sad songs have a few beers, get a bit maudlin - but it lets it all out, y'know. Now you've started talking please don’t stop - not to me or Jared. I know it’s hard, man but you're getting through it now, I know you are."

Jensen nodded again slowly, acknowledgement rather than acceptance or agreement. He clenched his hand on Chris'. "I think I'm gonna take an early day and . . . and go home. Sorry," he murmured.

"Sounds like a good idea, I think we both deserve to clock off early today.

  



	6. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

"Ah Fuck!" At Sophia's shriek of pain Jared and Jason stopped what they were doing and ran to the kitchen, Sophia was gazing, stunned and sick at a large slice she had made to the side of her hand. Jared moved fastest - grabbing a clean dishtowel he pulled it tight around the injured arm.

"Oh my God! Sophia! What the hell!" Jason exclaimed, turning pale at the sight of the blood on the knife, and trickling from under the dishtowel Jared was holding. "Should I . . .Should I call an ambulance?"

Sophia tried to stammer out that she was fine but she was looking more than a little green, "It'll probably be faster to drive," Jared suggested. "I could take her."

"Shit! Yeah, yeah do-do that, please. Soph, don't worry okay, Jared's gonna look after you!" Jason was looking paler by the second. "I'll - I'll call Steve and - and get him to meet you."

Sophia managed a wan smile, but swayed as Jared wrapped a second towel round the fast spreading red stain. Jared smiled at her reassuringly, “Come on kitten, I got you,"

"Not your freaking kitten!" she growled but still allowed him to scoop her up into his arms as he prepared to leave the coffee bar.

Jason watched them go, holding the door for Jared, before rushing to open the car. He returned to the kitchen and braced himself at the door to face the . . . the bits of Sophia that he just knew were going to be strewn over the kitchen surfaces. He felt the nausea hit his stomach hard and turned back, fishing his phone from his pocket to call Steve.

* * *

Jared felt exhausted; it had really shaken him up to see Sophia who was normally so organized and bossy looking so frail and helpless. He had stayed with her until Steve had arrived then quietly slipped away. He stood in the hospital lobby looking out at the pouring rain while he tried to gather his thoughts together long enough to drive back to see Jason.

Jensen pushed his wheelchair slowly down the corridor from the physiotherapy department back towards the entrance where he would meet the cab he'd ordered. He was exhausted and half inclined to just pull out his phone and call Chris to tell him he was going straight home and not coming back to work.

Absently digging through his pockets for the car keys, Jared began to drift slowly towards the door.

Jensen came to a halt just outside the door, hovering just under the shelter of the overhang. It would be raining, like he couldn't feel any worse, cold and wet was just what he needed. He pulled his jacket closer and wished it was thicker and that the taxi would hurry up and that . . .

"O shit, sorry, shit! Oh my God, are you okay?" Jared was brought out of his reverie with a jolt as he tripped over a guy in a wheelchair and nearly ended up in the man’s lap.

Jensen yelped in surprise but caught the stranger who had toppled forward over his chair. "Shit! Sorry! Fucking chair takes up too much room and gets in everyone's way! Are you okay?" he asked as he helped the man regain his feet.

Still apologizing profusely, Jared stood up and found himself captivated by a pair of the most amazing green eyes he'd ever seen. “Oh my God, your eyes are the most fantastic color," he blurted out, unable to tear his gaze away.

Jensen looked away sharply, embarrassment flaring into a stark blush on his cheeks. "Look, I'm sorry okay, I'll get out of your way." He tried to turn the chair, struggling as one wheel caught on a stone and the chair stuck dead.

"Oh I'm sorry, let me," Jared crouched down to help him free the offending wheel. "Ignore me; Momma always said I ought to think before I speak, I didn't mean any harm." He straightened up and smiled again, hoping he could draw on all his powers of persuasion to get the man to stay. He really was the most good-looking man Jared had seen in a long, long time.

Jensen looked back shrugging. "Thanks," he said quietly. "I'll get out of everyone's way." He pushed the chair further along the sidewalk to wait for the cab, resigning himself to staying out in the rain.

Jared trailed after him, wanting to prolong the contact, "Uh I could give you a lift if you like, or you know we could grab a coffee or something. I work at a really cool coffee bar not far from here or we could. . .” he trailed off miserably.

"I - um - I have a ride, it - it'll be here any minute." Jensen didn't know why the guy was persisting with this conversation; some misplaced sense of guilt because he'd tripped over the chair probably. Jensen knew it was his own fault for stopping in such a stupid place. He hated it when things like this happened, if the guy had tripped over someone else he wouldn't be carrying on like this, but God just because he'd tripped over a fucking cripple all of a sudden a simple apology wasn't enough. Jensen's face hardened as he said again, "It was my fault okay. You're off the hook."

Jared's face fell and he looked like someone had stolen his puppy, "Yeah, I guess I gotta go, I ought to call Jase and tell him Sophia's going to be okay

"You were visiting someone?" Jensen asked suddenly, the names, the voice creeping into his awareness, leaving him feeling awkward and embarrassed. He cast a sideways glance trying to take in more of the figure beside him and mentally comparing it to the photos Chris had shown him of that night in the coffee shop.

"Nah, the coffee bar I work in - Jason's place; Sophia the chef took a big slice out of her hand so I brought her in - Steve, her boyfriend is with her now." He paled suddenly as he caught sight of a splodge of Sophia's blood on his sleeve.

"Is she - is she okay?"

“Yeah - she needed lots of stitches so she'll be off work for a while," Jared felt his head begin to spin and he blinked rapidly trying to clear his vision which was suddenly terribly blurred.

"Shit! You should sit down before you fall down! You don’t look too good right now!” Jensen wasn't sure what to do; it wasn't like he could lend the guy a hand and get him to a seat. Inspiration hit! "Listen, dude. Just take a hold of the back of my chair and follow me okay. We'll have a coffee in the cafeteria here, it won't be as good as at your coffee shop, but you'll feel better for it. Trust me!"

"’Kay thanks," Jared muttered, and did as he was instructed. Jensen wheeled himself slowly back into the hospital, aware of the figure leaning heavily on the back and of how awkward it made keeping his direction steady. He could hear Jared's uneven breathing behind him and hoped he was going to be okay.

Jared sank heavily into a chair and watched as the other guy fetched coffees and adeptly wheeled himself back to the table. Jared found he was shaking slightly as he reached for his drink but found he felt better after a couple of swallows.

"That helping, Jared?" Jensen asked quietly,

"Thank you, it was like I dunno. I was fine when it happened and Jase was all shaky but now it’s all over . . . I don't know what hit me.

"It's shock, it'll pass and you'll be fine," Jensen reassured. Jensen's hand moved unconsciously across the table towards Jared's, before he suddenly snatched it back without making contact.

"I never asked - are you okay? ‘Cos I'm not exactly Tinkerbell - I must have given you quite a shock landing on you like that!"

"'m okay. You barely touched me, don't worry about it." Jensen looked away embarrassed. “I should be more careful where I stop," he muttered.

"I don't know," Jared risked a flirtatious little smile, "It's a long time since I walked into someone as good looking as you. Usually it’s trash cans or lampposts or something so I'm counting it a win."

Another flush of embarrassment flooded across the pale skin of Jensen's cheeks. Nobody but Tom had ever said things like that to him. "You shouldn't say stuff like that," he murmured.

“Oh God, sorry. I tend to say what I mean without stopping to think about it. I guess it’s gonna get me in trouble one of these days."

"You - you okay now?"

"Yeah, I'm good, oh my God I forgot to call Jase. I've got to go." Jared leapt to his feet, "Thanks for the coffee; I hope I bump into you again some time." With a final grin and another flurry of sorries and thank yous he was gone.

Jensen watched Jared's retreating figure before allowing his head to drop into his hands. 'What was he doing? What the hell kind of game did he think he was playing?’ This could never end well. He knew - he knew from the moment he realized who the tall, dark stranger was that he should tell him, tell him they 'knew' each other, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, couldn't bring himself to end the budding friendship when Jared realized that he wasn't like anyone else, he was broken and damaged and fucking useless.

Then - then! Jared threw the spanner in the works by calling him good-looking; by smiling; by acting like there was nothing wrong with him. Jensen wished it was true.

To jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
From: sasquatch69@gmail.com

Oh! MY! GOD! I am such a hero - I totally rescued a damsel in distress today! Sophia - you know Sophia right? She's worked at Jason's for a while. Anyway she almost chopped her hand off today!! Swear to God there was blood everywhere. Jason was a total girl so I did the whole first aid thing then carried her to the hospital! (well, we drove part of the way in my car!) And it took Steve ages to get there, and God I thought he was going to get sick at the sight of her blood - the man went green, total Kermit the frog green! So I stood around being strong and manly for a while then headed out.

I fell over this guy in the lobby and then I got all nauseous and weird and it was my turn to be rescued! Are you jealous yet? LOL - no he was nice though - blonde and these green eyes you could just stare at for hours but I told him straight up that my heart belongs to an antiquarian enigma so he just had to make the most of it! But we had coffee together which was nice, although I was too chicken to get his number. So there, that was my day! I guess I'd better call Steve and find out how Sophia's doing before I turn in for the night.  
Take care,  
Jay

To : sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From : jensena@weknowourbooks.com

OUT OF OFFICE MESSAGE - This is an automated reply for your information. Jensen is out of the office and your message has been forwarded to Chris. He will get back in touch with you as soon as possible.

* * *

It had taken every bit of coercion Chris knew to get Jensen to go home after his trip to the hospital and when he'd arrived back that evening Jensen had still been pale and drawn unable to hide how much discomfort he was in after his session with the physiotherapist. It had been no surprise to be woken during the night with Jensen wandering the apartment in search of painkillers and so in the morning, Chris had left him to sleep, seeing the almost sick tinge to his skin even in sleep. Instead he called Jensen's mom and asked if she could check in later in the day and see how he was doing.

Chris was still yawning as he made it into the office and turned on his computer, before heading to turn on the coffee pot and go to check on the mail and the fax, figuring the computer should be all powered up and ready to go by the time he got back.

Settling himself in his seat, he swung his feet round and up onto the desk as the email waiting icon began to flash. He clicked on it and waited for the messages to appear. There were two from suppliers, one from a customer about an outstanding order but the one that drew Chris's attention was from Sasquatch69 and nope, that hadn't stopped being funny yet, in fact even at that moment another idea for a joke at Jared's expense had occurred to him - after all there had to be some significance to the choice of 69 didn't there!

To sasquatch69@gmail.com  
From chrisk@weknowourbooks.com  
Hey Jared,  
Hope you've stopped being so dizzy and nauseous now. I didn't realize you felt that way about me; you could have just come out and told me, there's no need to be shy. I'm enough of a man to be able to handle it! So you fell over some guy with green eyes and blonde hair, huh! He must have been short if you didn't notice him, I mean, I know you're tall, but you're not blind, dude! Look forward to seeing ya!  
Chris

* * *

Jared grinned to himself as the laptop pinged that he'd got mail, he tried to mask the flash of disappointment he felt when he realized that Chris had replied instead of Jensen. He'd never known Jensen to not be in the office when he'd called before. He considered phoning him to see if his friend was okay but figured that Chris would tell Jensen that he'd been trying to get in touch. Wearily he rubbed his eyes and then clicked save on the document he was working on, he was revising one of the papers he'd had to write in grad school. It was one of the pieces he'd been able to lose himself in - where the words flowed and seemed to spring into his mind ready to spill onto the paper. There was always room for improvement though so Jared was just tinkering with it for a bit before he made supper. Suddenly he didn’t feel like it anymore, not when he knew that Jensen wasn't there any longer to send it to. He shut the lid with a snap and went to reheat the pizza he'd brought home from the coffee bar after his last night’s shift.

* * *

Chris picked up the phone to call and see if Jensen was up yet and feeling okay and to share the news that Jared had fallen both for and over some guy at the hospital yesterday, because that would surely bring a smile to his face. He decided to call Steve first and check that he and Soph were doing okay.

A few minutes later he checked the clock to see how late it was and whether to try calling Jensen. Satisfied that it was gone half past eleven and that even if Jen wasn't up, his mom would be there and would no doubt be making him something to eat. Maybe if he got through to her, he could wheedle his way round her preparing something for both of them to eat that evening.

Chris pressed speed dial 'Home' figuring that Jensen would want to know that Steve and Sophia were okay. "Hello darlin'," he said, when Jensen's mom picked up the phone, in his most seductive tone.

"Christian, how nice of you to call," came the dry, soft spoken tone in reply.

"How are you doing, Donna? I promise I've cleaned the bathroom this week and that boy of yours checked right to the back of the fridge for the dates on EVERYTHING!" Chris laughed gently.

“Well, I'm fine thank you, Chris. But 'that boy of mine' as you so nicely call him isn't doing so well. He's in a lot of pain; he just can't cope with the new physiotherapy regime. I think I might have to persuade him back to the specialist if he doesn't get better soon."

"Is he no better at all? F-" Chris caught himself before the expletive passed his lips. "I really thought if he slept properly he'd relax enough for the muscles to ease off for him. That's why I left him this morning, ma'am. Honestly, I thought he'd be better if he slept." Chris propped his head on his palm leaning it on his desk in despair and guilt that he hadn’t just called the doctor first thing.

"Well, he hasn't been able to get up this morning, I'm not sure that I shouldn't just phone Dr Gamble for a chat now. Maybe the new exercises have done more harm than good?" Donna said sadly.

"I - I should probably tell you . . . he - a couple of times last week, he really pushed himself too far. You know what he's like, somebody says something or looks at him funny on his way back from the hospital and he takes it to heart and thinks they're judging him and so he pushed, tried to do extra. I didn't know the first time but I've made him stop ma'am, I promise, I told him he had to stop it!"

"It's alright, Christian. I know my son, there was a reason he insisted on staying with you when he came out of hospital instead of coming home to me. I do think I'd better call Sera though. Will you try and come home in case we can get an appointment for this afternoon?"

"Let me know and I'll come straight away. I'll hang on here for the minute and get the most important stuff done so then . . . well no one needs to be worrying about the office . . . is that okay? Or - or would you rather I just came now. I don't mind, whatever’s best for him!" Chris began to ramble, worry and concern making him frantic.

"No, you're right, let me call Sera then I'll get back to you. If she can't see us till tomorrow I can manage just fine, it's only if we need to get him up that I'll need you."

"God, I'm sorry, Donna! I just -" Chris' words were choked off. "I never meant to let him or you down. I'm so sorry. I should have known. I know what he's like. I know how he plays it all down."

"Enough, Christian," Donna said firmly. "You're as bad he is! He has demanded more of your friendship than anyone should ever have to give. If he's overdone things, he has only himself to blame. Now, get some work done and I'll call you later."

"Yes, ma'am." Chris reluctantly replaced the phone and turned back to his computer where the day's orders were listed. He took a deep breath to center himself before hitting print to run off the lists before heading down to the stock room.

Ten minutes later the phone rang again. Chris ran from where he was stacking boxes by the stock room door, snatching the phone from the hook before the answer machine could cut in. "Hello?" he gasped panting.

"Chris, I talked to Sera and she would like to see him as a matter of urgency. She'd like him to come for some tests but he will have to stay over night so she can manage his pain levels. She wanted to send an ambulance but . . ."

"I'm on my way - get them to send the ambulance, but I'll come too. It'll be better for him to travel like that rather than having to sit up in the car but I'll come and help him get ready - make sure he's got someone else to complain at. What - what sort of tests does she want to do this time? What does she think is wrong? He's supposed to be getting better!”

"She just thinks he's probably overdone it but she needs to make sure, she's going to do an x-ray and a soft tissue scan tomorrow but wants him on IV meds where she can keep an eye on him overnight. He won't go in an ambulance, Chris, says you take him or he’s not going."

"He's an asshole!" Chris suddenly realized what he'd said and cringed. "Sorry! I didn't mean . . . I meant he's an idiot!"

"No dear, you were right the first time. Come on home - with two of us to yell at him we might get through."

"I'm on my way, I'll be home in about 10 or 15 minutes by the time I've locked up and everything," Chris said, already closing down the computer.

* * *

Chris pulled Donna into a comforting bear hug, "I'll stay a little longer but I think he's asleep now. You go on home and get some rest. Come back in the morning so he can moan at you before the tests." She nodded gratefully and kissed Jensen gently goodbye before collecting her purse and leaving Jensen's hospital room. It was past ten o’clock and they were all exhausted. Having examined Jensen, Dr Gamble had been fairly confident that it was a muscular issue but would know more in the morning.

Now hooked up to a strong pain killer Jensen drowsed, although Chris had told Mrs. Ackles he would go home he had no intention of leaving his friend. Grabbing a spare blanket from the closet he pulled the easy chair as close to the bed as possible and tried to get comfortable.

"Chris?" Jensen's voice was quiet, slurred by the sedative, his eyes half-mast as he regarded his friend's movements round the room.

Chris leaned over and took his friend’s hand, "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"You're still here? When are you going?" Jensen's voice quavered. "Will - Will you stay until I go to sleep again?"

"I'm staying right here, Jen. I know how much you hate the place."

"You - you don't have to." Even as he said the words, Jensen tightened his grip on Chris' hand.

"I know," Chris's voice was soft, "Even so, I'll be right here." He knew how vulnerable his friend was, how much Jensen hated hospitals, hated being sedated and powerless, unable to get to his chair or do anything unaided, reliant on strangers for everything he needed. He knew how much Jensen hated asking for help for things he felt he should be able to do himself, having to ask a stranger only made it harder for him.

Jensen's eyes drifted closed again, the effects of the drugs powerful as they streamed through his system. He suddenly shivered and his eyes snapped open again, searching out Chris' familiar form, the reassuring presence at his side. He shivered again.

Chris pulled his hand away gently and tucked the blanket he'd found round Jensen's shivering body. "It's okay," he soothed, "I'll be here, just sleep now."

"Chris? You think I've fucked it all up now? You think I'm. . ." His eyes closed as his face pulled tight in a grimace of anguish. "You think I'm gonna be stuck in it forever now?" The barely held-back tears were as clear for his friend to hear as if they had been actually tracking down his cheeks.

Just when he thought his heart couldn't break any further, it did. Chris hated to see his friend like this, wanted nothing more than to have the old Jensen back, the one who was steady and kept everybody’s feet on the ground, whose calm and witty humor made even the worst situation bearable. Chris grabbed a tissue and wiped away the tears and held him as close as he dared. "No, man! Sera said it'll be okay, we are going to get you on your feet again I swear!"

"I've let him down again, Chris," Jensen murmured. "His book . . . His book - I should be organizing the promotions - I'm letting him down again!"

"No, Jensen, you never let him down - not once. It's not due out till next month - we have time. Right now you just need to be a bit selfish for once in your life. Just focus on getting well, I'll take care of everything else."

"I'm sorry, Chris," his voice slurred further, as he struggled more and more to keep his eyes open, the sedative having the intended effect.

Suddenly his eyes snapped open again, his head jerking, eyelids blinking rapidly as if to shake off the sleep. "Chris . . ." he started. "I . . . Jared . . . he - I saw him." He fell silent again not really sure what he wanted to tell Chris.

Chris smiled, "He's kind of hard to miss."

"He was here." Jensen muttered, waving vaguely at the door.

"Tonight?" Chris asked confused.

"Tonight?" Jensen looked at him. "Did he come tonight? I saw him before." Jensen wondered in his half-stupor why Jared had been to the hospital again, then remembered he'd been there before to bring Sophia. Did that mean things were bad for Sophia?  
"Chris, is Sophia okay? Is she gonna be okay?" Jensen seemed to be building into a panic, "Sophia! What will Steve do if she dies? She can't die! Chris, is she okay?"

Jensen tried to shift position to get his arms under him to push himself upright. He had to go, he had to get to Steve. He couldn't let Steve go through that without him; Steve couldn't go through losing Sophia without his friends round him. He needed Chris too and Chris was here waiting on Jensen’s sorry ass.

"Jen, it’s the drugs, Sophia is absolutely fine!" Chris said firmly, "Now lie down and tell me about Jared, he's such a nice kid, isn't he?"

"She isn't in hospital?" Jensen asked, his struggle to move slowing as Chris' hand pressed him back onto the bed.

"NO, Jen," Chris soothed as Jensen lay down and allowed Chris to tuck the covers back around him. "She's doing really well; she'll be back at work next week."

"Jared - Jared brought her to the hospital?" Jensen asked, unsure now how much of what he was thinking was real or was it just the drugs running through his system. He felt so distant from his body, almost as if the only thing keeping him there was the hold Chris had on his hand

"that was yesterday,she went home as soon as they fixed her up, it’s all fine now." Chris soothed.

"He's nice," Jensen relaxed back again. "He talks a lot." His eyes settled back on Chris to see what he thought. "Isn't he?" he asked tentatively.

"Yeah, Jason already says he doesn’t know how he managed without him. The kid’s really easy to get along with too."

"I kinda like him," Jensen said, sleepily.

"That’s good Jen, really good. I think he likes you too."

"I'm tired." Jensen fought to open his eyes again.

"Sleep now, Jen," Chris settled back in his chair, still holding Jensen's hand in his own.

  



	7. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

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Steve shifted again in his sleep a moan escaping from him as he moved further away from Sophia. Sophia woke up aware of Steve thrashing and muttering beside her, the third nightmare this week. Gently she shook his shoulder. "Wake up honey," she said softly.

Steve jerked awake abruptly, pulling away from Sophia's hand startled. "What's wrong?" he gasped.

"You were dreaming again, I couldn't bear to hear you sound so upset. D'you want to get up for a bit? I could make us a drink."

"'m alright, just go to sleep," Steve muttered angrily before rolling over and lying back down, facing away from Sophia, a world more distance between them than just the two sides of the bed.

Firmly she clicked on the light. "No, Steve. I'm not letting it drop this time. You haven't had a proper night's sleep since I cut my hand. But it's more than that, isn't it? You need to talk, **we** need to talk."

Steve sighed and weighed the options of pulling the covers over his head and trying to ignore Sophia, heading into the lounge to sleep on the couch but knowing that carried the risk that she would follow him in there or just getting up and facing the 'talk' she wanted to have. He pushed himself up, swung his legs over the side of the bed and walked over to the closet. He took out a blanket and unfurled it as he moved to sit in the chair by the window, wrapping it around himself as he sat down. It was a concession to Sophia's sudden desire to talk in the middle of the night.

Sophia nodded her approval and grabbed Steve's shirt from the end of the bed. "Cocoa or Jack Daniels?"

"Neither, let's just get this over with so I can get some sleep. What exactly do you want me to say? I'm sorry I woke you up. Will that do?"

"No, baby. Don't make this worse. You know what's wrong, I . . . Jesus! You know something's been on your mind, you're not going to sleep properly until you tell me about it, maybe we can work it out together."

"You know what's on my mind! Why do we need to talk about this? What difference is it gonna make? You want me to tell you, I didn't like seeing you hurt. If you don't know that then I'm more of an asshole than I thought and maybe you should just dump me and be done with it!" He drew the blanket tighter as if it could act as a barrier between them.

"No! You don't get to distract me by being an asshole, 'kay? I know that, I know that you have been so overprotective since then that I'm not going to buy this bullshit! I'm a chef, Steve. I'm always burning myself, cutting myself and it has never affected you like this before, so what gives? Why is it different now?"

"I don't like hospitals," he muttered sullenly. "Bad memories."

Sophia scooted off the bed and landed in an awkward heap on the floor by Steve's feet. "Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, I didn't think. It's about Tom isn't it? It's nearly the anniversary."

"No, it's not about fucking Tom!" Steve growled. "Why should the world revolve around him? Huh? You wanna an example of an asshole, there ya go. God, he's been dead nearly a year and the world still fucking revolves around him!"

She recoiled as though she'd been struck, "Steve! I thought he was your friend!"

"Well, maybe I'm in the wrong profession, maybe I shoulda tried my hand at acting!"

"’kay, Steve, it's 3.30 in the morning, I'm too tired to figure out riddles."

"Did you know Jensen's in hospital again? Did you? Jason tell you that? Did he? Did he?!"

"No Steve, he didn’t! But then he's just my boss and not my boyfriend. I'm actually more worried by the stuff you're not telling me than the stuff he isn't."

"Everybody fucking worries themselves stupid about Tom fucking dying but nobody notices that my best friend died!" Steve stood abruptly and stalked right up to the window, finally stopping with one hand on the curtain as if to pull it back but instead he just let his head fall forward and took a deep heaving breath. "I lost my best friend because of fucking Tom and no one else has fucking noticed."

"Oh, baby! I never . . . Oh god! I am so sorry. He's pushed you away, but you let him. I never figured out why you let him do that. Every day for weeks I kept expecting you to just push your way in and see him anyway. "

"Yeah right, like he wants to see anyone. You've heard what Chris says, he doesn't want anyone near him."

"Yeah, and he wanted to be alone to work when Tom was working on the project in Mexico but you and the guys dragged him out and made him act like a human being at regular intervals."

Steve snorted, his face a sneer of disgust at Sophia's words, "You don't know anything about it!" He closed his eyes, his shoulders dropping as he breathed trying to calm himself. "Sorry! That wasn't supposed to sound like that, but . . . you don't understand," he finished. "This isn't about us, it isn't about you, I'm sorry."

She took a deep breath and hauled herself up and to his side, guiding him to sit in the chair before settling on his lap, "I'm cold, let me have some of this blanket," She arranged herself so she was cuddled in close. "I want to understand, baby, I don't want this to come between us. Please, tell me.”

"Jensen didn't used to lock himself away because he didn't want to come out, he used to not come out because Tom didn't like him going out when he was away and he would call to check that Jensen was doing what he'd told him."

"Oh, oh no! I mean, I never thought about it, but I hardly ever saw Jensen without him."

"He lived off Jensen! He was a leech! He used him up. Why do you think Jensen and Chris find it so hard to make ends meet? Every fucker thinks it's because they don't have Tom's income to keep them plodding along. It isn't . . . It’s because Tom fucked Jensen over and took his money or most of it, put it in what was supposedly a joint account but it wasn't, it was in Tom's name, then he fucking goes and dies and all his money goes to his fucking next of kin and Jensen is left without a penny. Chris and Jensen are left struggling to keep _their_ home, _their_ business and what does Jensen fucking worry about - making sure Tom's last book still goes through to being published and will Jensen get a cent from it, no! Nothing! Nada! Zip!"

Lost for words Sophia burrowed in closer, her face pressed into Steve's shoulder where she could hear his heart racing and feel the tension rolling off him in waves.

"He died, Soph. . . he died and he took Jensen with him." Steve drew her closer. "Don't leave me baby, I love you so much and . . . please don't leave me. I couldn't cope without you and I'm sorry for all the crap and . . ." he caught his words as his breathing hitched.

"I'm going nowhere. Why didn't you say something?"

"I've fucked up so much, Soph and I don't know how to fix it or us. I don't know why you're still here."

"We're fine, honey, I swear. I wish you'd told me sooner, that’s all. I still don’t understand why you haven’t gone to see Jensen - especially now Tom's not there to cause trouble anymore."

"He's not Jensen anymore. He doesn't . . . he's different . . . He doesn't want his old friends any more." Steve attempted a nonchalant shrug but couldn't really carry it off. "He doesn't want to see anyone."

"Rubbish, you wouldn't let that stop you if you really wanted to see him. Why won't you go? Are you afraid to see him in the wheelchair or something?"

"What would I say to him after all this time?" Steve's voice dropped to a barely audible level. "What if - What if he wants to know about Tom?"

"Why? Steve . . .what could you tell him? What do you know about Tom that he doesn't?"

"You need some sleep, I should lie down." Steve gently stood up, giving Sophia's feet time to get purchase on the ground before taking any further steps. "I've got a lot on tomorrow. I'm very busy right now."

Placing both hands firmly on his chest she shoved him back down. "No way, I'm not sleeping till this is done, no more secrets, Steve! I swear I'm not going in to discuss anything with Jase but you tell **me**.”

"What do you want?" he tried to resist her push, "What do you want me to tell you? Jensen hates me now and I know if I start talking to him, he'd be worse. At least this way, I still have Chris and Jason."

"Just tell me, whatever it is that is eating you up inside, it might be too late to fix whatever it is with Jensen but you need to talk about it for your peace of mind."

Steve's voice was broken as he choked out the truth of that night as Sophia's hand gently rubbed his back. "He thought he was gonna be okay, thought they were gonna get there in time to save him and he . . . and he . . . he said he hoped Jensen bought it because it would save him the hassle of finishing it . . . then . . . then when he realized . . . realized they weren't c-coming, not quick enough, he told me to tell Dani he would always love her, she was his one true love."

"Oh God! Oh God!" Sophia's hands flew to her face and she rocked back, white with horror. "He wished Jensen dead!! Steve . . . how . . . how can she face him at work every day? The bitch! Did . . .you - you tell her?"

"No, I couldn't, but I can't face him, how can I face him knowing that Tom . . . Tom treated him like that and . . . he thought Tom loved him."

"But . . . Steve, honey, what if she says something or he finds out you knew and didn't tell him?"

Steve rubbed his face, trying to clear the flood of tears that had covered his cheeks, "I - I told you, I've lost his friendship already. How can I have him as a friend? How can I destroy him any further? He's lost enough. If I tell him then he loses the past as well as everything that should have been going to happen. I can't take anymore from him."

"Steve? Listen to me a minute, what if Jensen wanted to move on? What if there was someone out there who could love him like he deserves to be loved, someone who could make him happy? What if he won't let it happen because he’s so hung up on the memory of his perfect Tom?"

Steve just shook his head, "He doesn't go out, he doesn't leave the apartment except to go and shut himself in the stock room or to go to the hospital. I do know what he's been doing . . . I know I haven't seen him but I do care about him. God, I do, really." The final words came out as a virtual sob.

"He does . . . he has a . . . Jared. They spend hours talking on the phone, texting each other. Jared always goes to call Jen in his break and comes back with an even bigger goofy ass smile than ever. Have you ever listened to the kid talk? Every other sentence starts 'Jensen says . . .’ And now? You’re all closing up again, shutting Jared out; he doesn’t even know that Jen is in hospital.”

Steve huffed, "He doesn't _know_ Jensen. How could he want Jensen like he is? He doesn't know what he should be like! He doesn't know the real Jensen! He's just some smart alec kid who was looking for a soft touch and Jensen's the fucking soft touch, isn't he? He's just gonna see what he can get from him! You think when he _sees_ Jensen, he is going to _want_ Jensen! The only reason he'll want him is to see what he can take from him. They've taken enough from Jensen already."

"Don't talk shit! All I’ve ever known Jared do is give! He was awesome when I was hurt, and he wouldn’t let Jase pay him for the shift ‘cos he said he spent most of it in the hospital. When Jase gave him the money anyway, he put it in the animal shelter box! I work with him every damn day, he's good, really good and I honestly don’t think he’d care about the chair. Don’t you dare start judging everyone by Tom’s standards!”

Steve turned his eyes on her intently. "Don't you think he's suffered enough? Do you really think it's worth risking him being hurt anymore? I can't forgive myself now for letting Tom . . . Tom treat him like that, you think I can sit back and risk someone else doing the same, however, 'good' he appears to the rest of you?!"

"It's not for you to decide,” she said softly. "I think maybe if you care for Jensen as much as you say you do, you'd treat him like an adult - give him all the facts and let him make up his own mind. How can it be any more wrong than it is at the moment? Any change has got to be better than watching you all go round in circles, tiptoeing on egg shells while you all die a little bit more inside each day?"

"I can't hurt him anymore." Steve's voice was quiet, resigned, "I don't want to hurt him."

"I know, sweetie, but it’s kind of like picking off a scab - hurts like hell but then everything can heal up underneath. It's better to do it soon rather than let the anniversary come round - that'll be even worse."

"He - he doesn't want to see me!"

"He's scared and he's hiding but when Jase defied his orders and went anyway they had a good time. He'll forgive you for telling him the truth but if you lie to him he'll never speak to you again."

"Maybe . . ." Steve sighed, rubbing his hand over his face again wearily. "I'm sorry, babe, I . . . I'm sorry." He reached to pull her closer, pressing a tender kiss to her temple. "I should get some sleep before it's time to get up." He moved round to get back into bed properly, drawing up the covers and reaching for the light on his side of the bed.

Climbing back in beside him she snuggled in close, "Thank you, for telling me," she said quietly. "I don’t mean you should rush round there first thing, when you're ready, okay?"

"Okay," he murmured, eyes closed trying to relax into Sophia's closeness rather than worry about what he would have to face with Jensen. Sophia lay awake listening as Steve’s breathing evened out and softened. Relieved that they’d finally talked and that he was sleeping peacefully for once, she switched off her own light and let herself drift off to sleep as well.

  


* * *

Dear Jensen,  
I'm resorting to pen and paper again since you haven’t answered any of my texts or e-mails. It's weird how much I've come to rely on you in such a short space of time - got used to you being there if I needed guidance or support or just someone to talk to. But I guess I thought it was mutual, y'know? You seemed to want it too. I don't know why you're not there, I hope that I haven't done anything to upset or offend you.

I've had to pack up all the specialist stuff at Sam's now. She even had me shift rooms round so that Jeff's office is the staffroom now, it's strange - like she was trying to obliterate all trace of him from the place. Everything that can be sent on has been; the rest is in storage. I've kept my contact lists though – can’t bear the thought that I'll only ever be surrounded by the new stuff now. I mean I'm sure some of them will be classics one day but they just don't have 'soul', y'know?

I hope you are okay, Jason and Steve are pretty cagey about why you’ve not been in touch and I haven’t seen sight nor sound of Chris in almost as long. Is it selfish of me to hope that you can’t talk to me rather than that you won't? Shit - that sounds mean. I don’t for a second hope that you are injured or anything. Mind the guys don’t seem worried enough for that, but . . . I want you to be missing me, to be wanting to contact me - just you can’t somehow. The thought that you might be ignoring me on purpose is too much.

I went for a run today - in the park. D'you know the big one over near the campus? It has a lake and is usually pretty quiet. Anyway - I was feeling so restless once I finished up at Sam's and it was too early to go to Jase's so I went for a run down there. There was some guy down there (don’t worry, he's not important - there's still no one else in my life but you!) anyway he had these dogs, huge soppy things and it reminded me of home so much it hurt.

We always had dogs when I was a kid, sometimes it seemed like they were the only ones I could talk too. They didn't care who I was or who I crushed on. The first time I got beaten up was the first time I had to lie to my momma. I hated myself for that but how could I tell her they jumped me because I was gay? I told her it was a fight over some girl and she just patched me up and told me to make sure the girl was worth the fight. I sat out on the porch that night after they'd all gone to sleep and the dogs came and found me - we had three of them then and they just . . . well, I guess they just loved me. Licked the tears from my face, shared their warmth with me. I started counting the days until I could get away from there, sometimes I think I miss the dogs most of all.

What is it about you that makes me get all introspective and rambly? I really hope you are okay, please get in touch. If you don't, I won’t bother you again but I hope you do. Think I might go and make friends with another bottle of tequila now - I'll post this first though - goodness only knows what I might end up telling you otherwise! Take care, Jensen.

All my love, Jared

* * *

Jensen lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, ignoring everything the nurse beside him was doing to him. If she told him to move, he did, but apart from that he tried to pretend that none of it was happening. He didn't want to be here, didn't want someone else touching him, but he'd promised Chris that he would do everything he was told, everything possible so that he would be out on Thursday. The line of least resistance that was what he was following.

He flinched as she moved one leg in a repeat of the gentle exercises and the pain radiated out from his lower back. He bit his lip and kept back a groan. "Did that hurt, Jensen?" Jensen put his mind to picturing the day he could walk down to the lake, round the lake. It was nothing like the runs that he and Tom had used to do most days, but it would be good. It was the kind of thing he used to do when he was writing, focused in intently, he'd get to the point of needing to come up for air, soak in the surroundings. He had a favorite spot down by the lake. He had had a favorite spot, he amended to himself. He hadn't been anywhere near the park or the lake since the accident.

"Jensen, I asked you if that hurt." Jensen's eyes flicked slowly to the young woman beside him, aware that she'd said something but with no idea what. She bent and pressed his leg slowly and steadily up towards his torso, her eyes on his face. He grunted as the pain increased and she let go as she saw him squeeze his eyes shut. She waited for his eyes to open, her hands on her hips, her expression annoyed. "I asked you if that hurt!" she snapped. "For God's sake, haven't you learnt your lesson?"

Jensen flushed beet red at the criticism. "Sorry, I didn't realize you'd said anything!" he apologized. "I was trying to take my mind of it by thinking of something else."

The nurse stormed from the room, with a "Well, don't think I won't be telling Dr Gamble about this!" Jensen sighed and tried to shift position, only to find that moving unaided was virtually impossible from the position she had left him in given the pain he was in. Normally he'd have managed it but just lately it seemed that the least twitch or shuffle sent shards of pain shooting out from his lower back, he felt permanently stuck in the wrong position, like his muscles had all spasmed unforgivingly. He couldn’t reach the call button for help, couldn’t turn to try and reach it or the morphine control. He closed his eyes and tried to will away the pain, tried to will his mind somewhere else, until someone saw fit to come and help him. He'd promised Chris he would do everything that was asked of him and now he'd fucked that up again.

He brought a hand up to rub against his eyes, refusing to acknowledge the desire to cry with frustration. He heard movement at the door and let his hand drop, an apology ready for the nurse he expected to see, but it was Chris; Chris who moved to his side without a word; Chris who knew he was uncomfortable and who gently helped him move his body to release the tension; Chris who handed him the controls for the morphine with an expectant look on his face until Jensen pressed for another dose to race through and ease the worst of the pain; Chris who smiled gently when he did without further coercion.  
"You want to tell me about it, Jen?" Chris asked quietly, once he saw a little of the tension leave Jensen's face.

"I fucked up again." Jensen said quietly. "I'm sorry."  
.  
Chris smiled, "You fucked up? Heaven forbid! What have you done this time?" Chris had seen over the last twenty-four hours just how hard Jensen was trying to follow all the demands everyone was making on him. He knew how much Jensen hated everything about the hospital, but most of all he hated not having control over what was done to his body. He sat down on the edge of the bed, offering Jensen his hand to hold but he didn't know whether to be pleased or concerned by the death-grip Jensen took on it.

"She was talking to me and I wasn't listening! She's pissed off and she's on her way to tell Dr Gamble."

"Any particular reason why you weren't listening?" Chris prompted, trying to piece the events and concerns together to make sense of them, to see if he could help Jensen put it right.

Jensen's gaze flitted away, until Chris' thumb made a few soothing circles on the back of Jensen's hand and he seemed to calm again. Jensen's voice was so quiet, so timid when he started that it just reminded Chris yet again, how fragile his friend's grasp on life was. "I don't like them touching me, so I pictured myself somewhere else, somewhere I'd like to be able to go one day. I was trying to think of that and she spoke to me and I must have been too distracted, I didn't hear her at all.”

"So where had you pictured yourself?" Chris asked trying to ease his friend's burden, encourage him to stick with the positive thoughts even though it had backfired on this occasion. It was the first time he had heard Jensen talk about somewhere he'd like to be able to go. Chris hadn't missed the wistfulness in his voice.

"You'll think I'm stupid." Jensen paused, "It was only the lake, you know the one in the park."

"I don't think that's stupid at all," Chris reassured. "In fact, it's a real good idea, when you're out of here, why don't we go and have a picnic? We could invite Jase, Steve and Soph. Hey you could invite Jared too. It would be cool."

Jensen shook his head fearfully, determined that Chris wouldn't do any of those things. "I just thought it would be good to walk in there, to a quiet spot and to - to - to. . ." He couldn't finish the sentence.

* * *

Steve stalked into ‘Jason’s Place’ with his head down, letting the door bang closed behind him and walking straight past Jason with a barely grunted acknowledgement and into the kitchen where he came to a halt watching Sophia. Jason raised his eyebrows in surprise at the rudeness which was very uncharacteristic of Steve, or at least he’d thought it was until the last few days. Steve’s mood had been foul to put it mildly; he’d blank people, storm off in the middle of conversations, he’d nearly bitten off Jared’s head when he’d asked about Jensen and Jason wasn’t sure what was driving him to be like this.

In all the years he’d known them, Steve and Jensen had been the voices of reason, the ones who everyone else turned to, relied on for common sense. The two of them could be counted on to smooth over arguments, talk people round. Jason tended to be the joker, he knew that, Chris was the moody bastard and Tom . . . well Tom had been the assertive type, the pushy one, always demanding his own way. No one but Jensen could have calmed him and made him see reason. Maybe that was the problem now, there was no Jensen, Chris had had to put aside his own moods, his own desires in a way none of them could ever have foreseen. Jason had had no choice but to soldier on, the coffee shop was all that had kept him sane, but where had that left Steve?

At first Jason had thought Steve’s mood was down to Sophia’s accident, but the more he thought about it, the more he thought it had begun before and had escalated dramatically after Sophia was well on her way to recovery. She was back at work now and Steve was most definitely not in an improved frame of mind.

Looking round and seeing the last of the customers leaving for the moment, Jason moved to follow Steve in to the kitchen. Maybe it was time for him to tackle Steve on what exactly was going on. As he stepped through he saw a sight that made his heart ache, Sophia had hold of Steve’s face and was gently caressing her thumbs across his cheeks below his eyes before Steve let his forehead drop and buried his face into her neck as she whispered quietly into his ear. Looking up, she caught sight of Jason and smiled sadly, but rather than tell Steve he was there, instead she spoke loud enough for Jason to hear, “Baby, you should tell them,” her eyes never leaving Jason’s. “You can’t keep on like this . . . they need to know, at least some of it. No one could ever expect you to carry this on your own. Talk to Jason and Chris.” With that she lowered her voice and began to murmur soothingly again, her eyes dismissing Jason from the room.

Jason retreated silently, knowing that Sophia had done all she could and that he would need to press for answers at another time. Steve was clearly carrying some sort of secret around that was too much for him alone, but with the situation with Jensen and Chris he’d obviously felt he couldn’t share it. Jason was going to put that right now.

* * *

Chris made an excuse that he needed to get something to eat in order to leave Jensen’s side, pleased that as he left Jensen asked that he bring back a piece of fruit. He smiled warmly, knowing it wasn’t much, but it just showed that Jensen was really trying hard to reach the goals he’d set himself. Chris was worried by the persistent bags under Jensen’s eyes that showed despite the morphine Jensen still wasn’t sleeping well enough to be truly rested. He was concerned by how often he came in and found Jensen uncomfortable but reluctant to use the morphine to reduce the pain, because he was convinced that if he could just move to a different position all would be fine.

He walked down the halls of the hospital until he reached the doctors’ offices. He stopped to speak to the secretary in order to request an opportunity to talk with Dr Gamble, relieved when the secretary immediately put a call into the office and directed him to go straight through.

Opening the office door, Dr Gamble was smiling warmly at him, “How are you today, Chris? Is Jensen driving you as crazy as everyone else?”

“Nah, not this week, but I am worried about him.”

She raised her eyebrows as she asked, “More than usual?”

He half shrugged, “Maybe just different to usual? He’s really trying to do everything you’ve set him and not cause any fuss but . . .

“What’s worrying you, Chris?” She looked concerned.

“This bed rest, what’s it supposed to achieve? Just from where I’m sitting, apart from pushing his patience to its limit, he doesn’t seem to be in less pain or finding it any easier to move. He’s never been one to not be working or doing something and he’s just sitting there counting on everything being fine. You said if it all went okay, he could come home on Thursday. Is that achievable? And if it’s not, maybe you ought to tell him now.”

Dr Gamble sighed, “Chris, I’m still hoping that I’ll be able to give him these injections on Thursday and he’ll be able to come home, but yes, I am worried by the fact that things don’t seem to be improving quicker. He’s not helping though by still refusing to be honest with the staff when they’re working with him on his exercises.”

“The nurse earlier . . .” Chris leant forward dropping his head to rest in his hands for a moment as he tried to work out how to explain. “Look, it’s not like that, it’s not him being dishonest. He hates other people having control over his body, other people doing that stuff to him and not being able to do it to himself. He’s really trying hard to – to let your people do whatever you say, he really is. He’s doing it by trying to distract himself, trying to imagine he’s somewhere else. He wasn’t not admitting anything, he just – just wasn’t there.”

“Chris, he’s got to start acknowledging what’s happening to him and the fact that he is going to be in this position for a long time. This situation is not going to suddenly fix itself over night. He’s not going to suddenly be back on his feet with all this behind him. It’s going to be a long haul.”

“You say that like you think he hasn’t noticed. For the last year, give or take, he has battled to do everything that you have suggested he could do that might even vaguely help. He has been pushing himself, he’s used the logic he uses with everything – if it isn’t working, push yourself harder until you can get through it. He and Tom . . . They used to train and go off on gruelling hiking treks or cross-country skiing or mountain climbing, shit-like that, so that Jen could write about it and Tom could take photos. Whenever Tom got some harebrained scheme in his mind about where they would go next, Jensen was the one who was driven to make Tom’s dreams come true.”

Sera smiled sympathetically at the troubled young man, over the year of Jensen’s treatment she had grown to like and respect all of his family and she considered Chris to be part of that family. He tempered his concern and affection for Jensen with a healthy dose of no nonsense earthiness that had helped Jensen to stay grounded and focused.

“Believe it or not, Chris. Jensen has made phenomenal progress and that is due in no small part to his fitness levels from before the accident. The discomfort he is in now is a temporary setback entirely caused by him pushing himself too hard. However I do see your point about the bedrest driving him crazy, how about I schedule this afternoon’s physiotherapy session in the hydrotherapy pool? Maybe an hour in the pool with you would help him burn off some of that nervous energy.” She grinned impishly, “Bring your speedos and I might even come and supervise it personally!”

* * *

Chris slipped quietly into the coffee shop and up to the seats by the counter. He sat down and let his head drop wearily into his hands as he waited for Jason to be free to serve him. He could press the point that he was there knowing that Jason would hurry to make sure he was served, but this was Jason’s livelihood and he knew in his heart that Jason needed to keep his customers happy.

Moments later, he felt a hand drop on to his shoulder, just ahead of Jason’s concerned tone, “You okay? Has something happened?”

He shook his head and tried to smile reassuringly, when all he wanted to do was sleep or maybe curl up somewhere and let someone look after him for a change. Jason sat down beside him. “Chris, talk to me.”

“It’s okay, I’m just tired. It’s been a hard few days and I’m just tired and I’m having to stay upbeat for Jen, ‘cos he’s trying so hard and he – God he hates being in that place. I’m trying to reassure him that everything’s gonna be fine there and what they’re doing is going to work and that he doesn’t need to worry about the office or . . . Tom’s book is due out soon. We’ve had the first few copies through and Jensen was supposed to be the one organizing the promotion. If he isn’t back out of the hospital soon, then I’m going to have to take over and – well I don’t think it’s going to help him if he can’t do it, I think he needs to do it for like, I dunno, closure or something.”

“You want me to spend some time at the hospital with him?” Jason asked. “I assume you were going to go back there later? I could go instead.”

Chris shook his head, “No.” He sighed, “I really wish that I could say yes. I do, believe me, but I think it – it would be a bad move. You going to see him the other day, he fretted afterward, what had you been thinking about him? Were you disappointed that he wasn’t better than he was? How had he let you down?”

“Seriously! He must realize the truth, surely?”

“No, he doesn’t. He’s completely fixated. I think when he’s back out and at ours, then you should come visit, but . . . he hates the hospital, he hates people seeing him when he’s at his most - I dunno what he’d call it! Vulnerable or pathetic or something like that. You know you pushing him like that it was good for him, really it was; I know I didn’t think it would be, but it was. I think if you come and see him at home it will be good, but I think if you go to the hospital, he’s just gonna shut you out again.”

Jason nodded unhappily, understanding the wisdom of his friend’s words.


	8. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

Jensen had been at home alone for about two hours and Chris had said he would come back in another two for lunch, he was bored and couldn’t really think of what to do. He thought back over all the things he'd discussed with Chris and with Dr Gamble, all the different ways they thought he needed to get his life back on track. He'd promised Chris that he would move forward, it was time.

He'd promised not to tackle his exercises alone and not to try to do any more than was written down in the program for him. All of which meant that he would have to work on something else to try and be fair to Chris, to prove he really was trying.

He'd go outside. That was one of the things that Chris had said he needed to do. He needed to go out and not to work. He bit on the side of his thumb nervously. He'd need to plan; where he would go, what would he do. He sat anxiously trying to make a plan before he finally wheeled through to his room and found a light jacket to pull on against the chill, although the effort it took to move the chair tended to keep him fairly warm.

Gritting his teeth and refusing to give in to the anxiety gnawing in his stomach, Jensen opened the apartment door, maneuvered through, pulling it closed behind him and heading for the elevator that would take him outside . . . outside alone, truly alone for the first time since Tom had died. He was used to having either his mother or Chris with him if he was heading for work or the hospital and if not then he would go in a prearranged taxi and one of them would wait for the taxi with him and make sure he got into it safely. This time - this time though he would have to rely on himself. As the elevator descended through the floors, he said to himself over and over again that he could do it; he didn't have to rely on them for just a little trip down to the store.

* * *

Jared wandered around the store, tweaking a book here and there, adjusting the displays a little. There were very few customers in today and Sam had taken the opportunity to leave at lunchtime; it was the first time Jared had been left to run the store alone. He felt kind of weird about it, if he was honest the complete lack of challenges that his work presented him these days left him bored and unfulfilled. On the other hand the relative peace gave him plenty of time to write. He made himself a coffee and settled back behind the cash desk and prepared for a long afternoon. Getting out his notebook and a pen he began to scrawl down some thoughts that he'd been mulling over about the places he'd like to visit. He liked the thought of the lonely places, the high rocks and crags of the Yorkshire moors - Heathcliff country, and he wanted to be able to write about the parallels between Heathcliff and Jan Ridd - whether it was the rugged, windswept environments of their stories that shaped their characters. He was lost in thought, his pen racing across the page when the bell rang as the shop door opened.

He looked up to see the green-eyed stranger that he'd chatted to at the hospital. Leaping up he went to greet him. "Hey!! Good to see you again, I was in such a hurry the other day I forgot to ask your name and I still owe you for the coffee, would you like another coffee now? Cos I mean I’ve got one already and it wouldn't be any trouble." His words tumbled over themselves in his nervousness, it wasn’t until he finally paused for breath that he risked checking to see the other man's reaction to his rambling speech.

It was Jared, Jensen realized. He took a deep breath. Maybe he hadn't thought this through enough. What was he supposed to say? He'd been getting kind of tired, and it was colder than he'd expected out, he could have done with a warmer jacket. He hadn't thought about actually _facing_ Jared or not alone. He had kind of figured Sam would be here, he could chat with Sam, maybe try and get her to agree to some sort of promotional event for Tom’s book. The other plus side was that it wouldn't be as intense as going to Jason's, too many people would be at Jason's, too many people who'd known him before. He'd struggled to get down this far, it was the thing he hated most about coming out - people staring at him. With Chris alongside him, he found it easier to ignore; Chris would distract him from noticing. The alternative of course was to go outside with his Mom. Well, she would glare at anyone who looked at her baby boy wrong, so again he could more or less ignore it, but on his own, he always had that feeling that people thought he shouldn't be trusted out alone because he wasn't capable of looking after himself at all.

Jared smiled, pleased to have someone to combat the boredom with, "So, coffee?" he asked again.

"Er yeah. . . erm th-thanks." Jensen nodded and cringed inwardly, knowing that Jared would be thinking he must be the stupidest guy on the planet, incapable of answering even a simple question about coffee without stuttering and sounding like an absolute idiot. He looked away, wondering why he'd come in here at all.

Jared hurried off to the screened off corner where the coffee pot lived, thinking how he missed chatting to Jensen, how he would have liked to share with someone the fact that the green-eyed stranger had turned up again.

Jensen took a few deep breaths while Jared was gone, hoping to calm his nerves enough that he didn't come off as a complete idiot and trying to figure out a way to tell Jared who he was . . . although given the fact that Jared probably thought he was stupid maybe it was a good job he didn't know who he was . . . and God, what was Jared going to think when he realized that not only was he an idiot, he was an idiot in a wheelchair.

Jared set the coffee alongside his on the cash desk. "I am so glad you came in, I thought I was going to die of boredom this afternoon!” He checked his watch, "You are the first person I've seen in fifty-seven minutes."

Jensen gave a small nervous smile as he said quietly, "Clock-watching much?"

Jared chuckled, "Kinda! I used to work in a different section of the store; it was a lot more . . . rewarding. I'm not convinced I'm cut out to be a shop keeper!”

"O-on your own? No Sam? No other staff?" Jensen's eyes flicked round the store as if someone was going to miraculously appear in the deserted store.

"You know Sam? Yeah, well it's been quiet all day and her friend called and she had a sudden urgent need to go shoe shopping!

"That's women for you . . . my friend's girl, S-Sophia, she uses the least excuse to go clothes shopping."

Jared laughed a throaty chuckle that deepened his dimples. "Hell, yeah. My friend Sandy was so disappointed in me - she always used to say I was the worst ever gay best friend because I had no taste in clothes.” He looked ruefully down at his pink striped shirt, "I'm sure I don’t know what she meant!”

"Speaking personally, there are better things to shop for than clothes but . . . um, maybe the pink is just . . . um. . . nope I give up, I don't know what the pink is!" Jensen smiled, slightly more relaxed. "That coffee," he nodded his head in the direction of the second cup beside Jared, "You . . . er. . . you gonna pass it down here or is it um . . .?" Jensen wasn't sure whether he could make the kind of joke Chris always tried to make about his being in a wheelchair. Chris was always telling him that he should tackle people head on, make them see him as a person who just happened to be in a chair, rather than a chair with a body inside, but Jensen just never really had the confidence for that.

Jared just blinked absently and handed the mug to his new acquaintance.

"Thank you," Jensen said, looking away again, embarrassed by his own inability to reach it himself. "So er . . . you settling in to this job any more, is it getting easier?"

Jared started to speak, prepared to spout some vacuous platitude but then he looked again at the man's intense green eyes and suddenly found himself compelled to tell the truth. "I hate it, all these mass produced books with their plastic shiny covers, cheap celebrities cashing in on their fifteen minutes of fame: I feel like I’m suffocating," he confessed.

"There are good books out there, good authors, good stories to be told . . . but mass production has allowed a lot of trash as well. Some of the easy to promote stuff is not really worth the paper it's printed on but I guess it appeals to a pretty large proportion of the country. The trick is . . . the trick is sometimes to know the publishing houses that take the time to find the quality rather than the ones who just want mass media appeal." Jensen trailed off, worried that he was overstepping some sort of boundary.

Jared enthusiastically nodded his agreement, "You're right of course, but since Jeff left Sam's heart just doesn't seem to be in it anymore. I . . . I write a bit myself and I've been researching some of the more specialist publishers locally and there are some really good ones.”

"Yeah . . . there are some that like to catch new authors, get the raw talent and nurture it," Jensen caught himself getting excited and took a deep breath to calm himself down again. "They - they like to nurture the talent rather than twist it to their own ends. Maybe . . . maybe nobody makes the huge bucks, but the work is real, not just the same thing rehashed over and over and over again. Or even worse a one-book story that is worthlessly expanded and diluted to stretch over three books. I - I know a bit about the business."

"Oh, that’s so cool, see - I love the old stories, the ones that have stood the test of time and I want to find the themes that make them so enduring, and the influences of the environment on the writers. I mean if an author lives in some soulless concrete jungle it’s got to affect how the characters develop. I want to explore, see if I write differently in  
different settings. I mean, I know that I write differently now to when I was in Texas but is that because I’ve changed as a person?" He chuckled, "Sorry, I get a bit carried away, it’s been a while since I’ve had someone to talk books with."

"You work in a bookstore! Surely you must get a few people come by with an interest? Maybe what you need, if you don't find people here with an interest in the right sort of book, is to join like a book club kind thing. There's a few book club groups run from my friend Jase's coffee shop a few blocks over. He has a good mix of clubs, you know, for different interests, travel books, classics, modern bestsellers and . . . and he has great coffee too," Jensen thought he could maybe bring the conversation round, pretend that he didn't know who Jared was and they could work it all out together.

"I've been warned about the book club at Jase's!" Jared laughed, "Old ladies reading bodice rippers! Not the kind of classic literature I meant,"

"Oh! Yeah, but there are other groups too, more your kind of classic!"

Jared nodded, "I know, it's cool over there. Oh, hey? Look at the time, I told Sam I'd sort the window display out before I left and I'm due at my other job in an hour. Oh, I hijacked you with coffee; I forgot to ask what you actually came in for?"

"Um, nothing, it's okay. I wasn't really after anything. I was going to talk to Sam about something but I'll call her in a couple of days when I'm back at work. I'll let you get on, thanks for the coffee." Jensen carefully turned his wheelchair and headed for the front door again to go back out into the cold air outside.

Jared felt strangely buoyed up by his conversation; he called a cheery goodbye and was actually humming to himself as he pulled the old display out of the window. Working rapidly he replaced them with his own selection, using his favorite classic novels and avoiding those with movie tie in stills for the covers.

* * *

Jensen pushed his way slowly down the street, ashamed that he'd left without introducing himself properly and wondering what he ought to do now. He ought to make himself go further. He was only a couple of blocks down from the apartment, it wasn't that far. Chris had been talking about him actually getting out; a couple of blocks probably wasn't far enough. He braced himself to try and head down to the park. He started to push in that direction reluctantly.

Jensen thought back to the conversation with Chris; he'd promised a trip round the park - that's what Chris had said, he needed to get out and do a circuit of the park. He forced the wheels round again, trying to ignore the anxiety and the tension that he could feel across his shoulders; trying to block out the feeling of people looking at him.

He came to a halt at a crossing, waiting for the lights to change, felt his chair jostled from behind and struggled to keep it from rolling out on to the road as the crowd moved back and forth. He could feel his panic rising. There were too many people round him, the noise was too much. He wanted to turn round and go home, he wanted . . . Fuck! What had made him think he could do this? Why had he said he could do this? Why had he let Chris convince him, make him promise that he would do this? Where was Chris? Chris must hate him, that's why he was making him do this. Jensen could feel his breath getting shorter.

The lights changed, the crowd began to cross the road. He felt himself move with the flow unable to hold his chair still in the crowd. He didn't want to go over the road, but before he could stop himself, click on the brake he found himself in the middle of the road with the crowd around him thinning.

The countdown on the crossing began, his time was running out, he was going to find himself stuck in the middle of the road with the traffic moving. There was no time to turn round and try to head back through the crowd, he would have to keep going, have to cross. It would put him further away from home; make it harder to get back. He gave a swift hard push to the wheels and surged forward, hearing as the pedestrians surrounding him cursed and growled at his lack of manners.

By the time he reached the safety of the sidewalk, he was almost sobbing with a mixture of relief, fear and anxiety, his stomach twisting bitterly, He came to a stop, oblivious of the people round him until a particularly vicious curse was aimed in his direction, "Fucking idiot, thinks he owns the fucking sidewalk. Just ‘cos he's in a chair thinks we've got to shift round him even when he's been fucking stupid enough to stop in everyone's way."

Jensen wanted to curl up and hide. Chris was wrong, he wasn't strong enough for this; he shouldn't have come out. He wanted to die.

* * *

  
Chris looked up from his desk as he slung the last letter on the pile ready to take to the mail. Checking his watch he realized it was nearly time to go and check on Jensen. Picking up his cell he dialed the number for the apartment, he'd see if Jen wanted him to bring lunch home with him.

The phone rang for several seconds before the answer phone clicked on, Chris hung up and dialed again, it wasn't like Jensen not to answer when he knew Chris would be calling. Still no reply and a tiny niggle of fear began squirming in Chris's stomach. Scrolling down his contacts list he tried to call Jen's cell.

* * *

Jensen heard the ring of his cell phone but he was shaking, trying desperately to gasp for breath and he couldn't, couldn't let go of the chair wheels: if he did - if he did, he could end up anywhere, someone could move him further from home. God what the fuck did he think he was doing when he agreed to this? He felt like vomiting.

* * *

As Jensen's cell too switched to voicemail, Chris found he was shaking, there was something wrong, he was sure. He hit the redial button finding himself praying that Jensen would pick up this time.

* * *

As the phone cut off, Jensen didn't know what to do. He couldn't think enough to even begin to know what to do. There were people everywhere, looking at him, despising him, knowing he was a useless fuck. He coiled his arms protectively across his stomach and curled forwards.

The phone began to ring again, Jensen knew it had to be Chris . . . he pried the phone from his pocket, opened it and brought it up to his ear. "Help me, Chris, I - I can't do it, I can't!"

Chris was almost dizzy with relief as he heard Jensen's voice, then his friend’s frantic words began to sink in. "Easy dude, slow down 'k? Where are you?" Even as he spoke Chris was on his feet and running down the stairs to the lobby.

"Don't know, I don't know, Chris. Why? Why did I have to do this? Why? Chris, please!"

Chris tried to keep the fear from his voice, "What have you done, dude?" He stood on the sidewalk trying to work out which way to go, "Jen, are you at the apartment?"

Jensen's breath was short, he was gasping, trying to focus on Chris' voice, Chris' words. Chris had asked him something, something he was supposed to answer. "Chris? What?" He tried again, tried to focus on Chris, on what Chris wanted.

"Okay, I need you to take a deep breath, Jense’, can you do that for me? Just focus on your breathing for a minute, in and out nice and steady."

Jensen listened to Chris' words, tried to do what he was saying, cursing at himself for the anxiety he could hear in Chris' voice. "Sorry - sorry. Chris, I'm sorry, I tried, I'm sorry." He tried to breathe deeper, his breath was still hitching.

"It's okay, dude, it's cool, just stay calm for me and tell me where you are, I mean I can hear traffic so I guess you're not in the apartment." Chris stood helplessly, part of him wanted to yell at Jensen, scream at him for scaring Chris like this.

"The Park, I was going to the park, like you said. Circuits of the park. I can't do it, Chris," he almost sobbed. "I tried . . . I promise I tried like I said I would, I did!"

"Jesus, Jensen!" Chris bit back the words as he broke into a run, the cell phone still held to his ear, "I'm on my way, okay bro? You're gonna hang on there till I get to you." Chris desperately tried to figure out the quickest way to get to his friend.

"Didn't, couldn't get there. The road . . . the crossing. . . Chris, I'm . . . I can't - I couldn't . . . no good, no good. Chris, please. I'm sorry. You . . . you . . . I tried, please, Chris? I tried, I can't do it. I wanna go home, Chris,” he pleaded.

"You did good just trying, Jen, it's cool, really." Chris panted, "You didn't have to do it alone that's all, but I'm on my way now, I'll be there soon."

"You'll come?" Jensen's voice sounded small and frightened, like he couldn't be certain that Chris wouldn't just walk away and ignore him.

"I'm on my way already," Chris confirmed, hating the insecurity in his friend’s voice, hating how one moment of someone else’s drunken recklessness had transformed his confident friend into this broken shadow of his former self.

"I - I didn't mean it, Chris . . . I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it . . . to let you down . . . I didn't mean it. You'll come though? You'll come soon? You're already coming here. People keep staring, I - I can't do this Chris, I shouldn't have done this . . . I'm not ready, I'm not! Don't be pissed . . . please Chris?"

Chris had to stop for a moment to catch his breath; the note of terror in Jensen’s voice damn near broke his heart. "Stop now," he commanded, "Just breathe for me - nothing will stop me from coming to you, okay, I'm going to keep talking to you all the way but you have to stay calm."

"I should - I should . . . what? Chris," Jensen hugged his free hand tighter round his stomach, trying to stop himself from rocking back and forth. Another stranger jostled his chair and swore and Jensen cowered smaller, his voice dropping to barely more than a whisper, "I need you, Chris, I - I'm sorry, I get it all wrong, I get it wrong so much and you . . . you . . . you help me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"I said stop that," Chris was firmer now; he couldn't let Jensen go into total meltdown until he was there to protect him. "You did good, Jen, you did what we discussed, you tried to get out and exercise. It's just busy today, okay? Loads of people out, I'm gonna be with you in two minutes, okay? Just breathe nice and steady, stay calm for me."

"Breathe . . . yeah, I need to breathe. Just calm down. Should I move? Should I - I can't, Chris, I can't move not on my own!"

"Don't move Jen, stay where you are, I can see you now, I’ll be there any moment."

"K, I'll just wait for you, you're coming; you're coming soon. God, Chris, why - why am I like this? Why can't I do this? I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He didn't try to stop the tears that were running down his face unchecked.

Chris dropped to his knees in front of the chair and gathered his friend into his arms, ignoring the stares of the passersby. "I've got you now, we'll sort it out, you don’t need to be sorry, none of this is your fault, it's not Jensen, really it's not."

"Chris, I couldn't do it. Why can't I do this?" Jensen's free hand clenched in Chris' shirt drawing them closer together, but he didn't let go of the phone which was still pressed to his ear, like it was his only lifeline.

“It’s still too soon, dude. When I said to go out more I meant with me, you're not on your own. I know I'm second best, I know you'd rather it was Tom here with you, but I am here for you, if you'll just let me be."

"Don't leave me, please don't, Chris. I can't . . . I can't . . . I need . . . I can't do it on my own."

"No one is expecting you to, Jensen, least of all me. Come on, let’s get you home okay? I need a drink."

"Sorry," Jensen murmured, still gripping Chris' shirt and the phone, until Chris gently eased the grip first from his shirt, then taking Jensen's phone out of his hand before standing and moving behind to start pushing Jensen's chair in the direction of home.


	9. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00012hfd/)

It had been a fucking disaster! Chris leant back against the kitchen counter waiting for the coffee machine to be ready. He’d got Jensen back to the apartment and now had him wrapped in a thick blanket on the couch. It had taken what felt like forever to get him to calm down from his panic before eventually he had collapsed into an exhausted sleep and only then did Chris allow himself out of Jensen’s sight. He needed to either call Donna, because there was no way he was leaving Jensen alone for the rest of the day or he would have to call work and get Dani to manage on her own with the temp for the rest of the day.

He heard a distressed whimper from the other room and he headed through, dropping to sit on the arm of the couch and rest his hand on Jensen’s head hoping he would settle again. He sighed; even in sleep Jensen wasn’t relaxed. If he’d only realized, this would never have happened. He hadn’t meant for Jensen to go out on his own, hadn’t meant for him to try and tackle everything at once. Yeah sure, long term he wanted Jensen to be able to do these things but he didn’t expect it just like that, not straightaway. Jensen had barely set foot outside the apartment since the accident. Work, where he hid in the stockroom as much as he could, the hospital and his folks’ house at most once a week; Chris had never meant for him to jump from that to trips to the park on his own immediately. He’d meant for Jensen to go with him at his side.

He supposed it showed that somewhere inside ‘his’ Jensen was still there. His Jensen, the fiercely proud, quietly stubborn man he’d known for years. There were still days he woke up, hoping that it had all been just a nightmare, that Jensen was fine and sleeping in the other room, curled into Tom’s side. It never took long for the reality to invade his thoughts, dispelling the dream. The reality was worse than a nightmare. The reality had left Tom dead and Jensen paralyzed. The reality had left them fighting to make ends meet as Jensen’s medical bills rocketed and Chris struggled to keep their business running. Pride. They had both had to sacrifice so much of it. Jensen’s dad owned one of the major companies that they distributed most of the books for, he hadn’t hesitated to bail them out or to make sure that Jensen’s medical bills were met, but Jensen had had to give in and admit that they couldn’t make ends meet. His dad hadn’t expected money back, had given unconditionally but it had left both Jensen and Chris feeling like they’d failed. When Jensen’s mother had realized shortly afterwards that they were in danger of losing the apartment because Chris was struggling to pay the bills alone with Jensen in and out of hospital and as they’d believed Tom’s income gone, they had bailed them out again. Not that it had been that straightforward, Chris still hadn’t quite got his head round what exactly had been going on with Jensen and Tom in money terms .

Things had become easier when the first of the insurance began to come through, relieving them of the burden of paying for the majority of Jensen’s medical bills. Jensen’s father had sat both boys down and explained that he understood how hard they were finding it to make ends meet and he was going to set up a payment for Jensen, ‘an allowance’ Jensen had called it after his dad had left. He’d been bitter and upset, not by his Dad’s concern but by the fact that in his eyes he’d failed and that was why his Dad had made the offer. Chris had just been relieved; the money was enough that they could meet the bills and still put food on the table.

Then Jensen had been taken back into hospital again and Jensen’s Dad had appeared at the office to talk to Chris. Chris had never admitted to the conversation with Jensen, because he knew how much it hurt, how much it emphasized Jensen’s feelings of having failed. Alan had offered to buy the company or at least Jensen’s shares in it to make sure the company would stay solvent, could stay running, that it would always provide both of them with an income. He offered cash injections of whatever amount was needed and he made Chris promise that if they were struggling at home or work financially to come to him first, never to go to a bank for a loan. He told Chris how much he appreciated all the things he was doing for his son, how good a friend he was and then he said he knew how much time Chris was spending making sure that Jensen was okay, getting to appointments or even just staying home when he was not in a state to go into work. He knew how many ‘working hours’ Chris was sacrificing to help his son survive the nightmare and he emphasized again that whatever Chris needed to keep the company operational, the apartment going or anything that he thought would make life with and for Jensen easier, the money would be made available to him immediately.

Chris knew that day a huge burden had been lifted from his own shoulders, because he had a guaranteed fallback. It didn’t make him any less reluctant to take it. He and Jensen still struggled to pay for the apartment at times they struggled to keep on top of the running costs of the business when they had to employ extra staff to cover for Jensen. But Chris knew throughout all of it, that he only had to ask or convince Jensen that they could ask, which in fact was the more difficult part.

* * *

Jason was in the kitchen with the guy he employed to cover Sophia’s days off, running down the plan for the shift while the coffee shop was almost empty, when the phone began to ring. Excusing himself, he looked at the screen to see ‘Chris’ flashing. It was an unusual time of day for Chris to be calling but not unwelcome. “Hey Dude!” he answered cheerily.

Jason was completely unprepared for the raw pain that hit him through the phone, so much more than the simply stated words alone could carry. “Jase, I’ve – I’ve got a bit of a problem I need some help.”

“Chris, what is it?”

“Jen – I can’t leave him and Dani needs help shifting some stuff in the stockroom – it’s too heavy for her and the boxes need to be set out or the delivery guys won’t take them and . . .”

“Chris, just call her and tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’ll just have to let these customers finish up and then I can close up the shop and I’ll head round there.”

“C-close up! You can’t do that, shit! I’m sorry, I didn’t think, I wasn’t thinking. I never fucking think things through properly. Fuck!” Jason was horrified to hear Chris so close to the edge.

“Chris! Dude! Calm the fuck down. Look I’ll give Steve and Jared a call, Steve could go shift the boxes for Dani, yeah? If he’s free, I’m sure he won’t mind and if not maybe Jared can come and cover for me. Just give me a half hour to try and sort something out and it’ll be okay.” Jason was relieved when Chris agreed and seemed to calm down.

It only lasted a moment or two before Chris was clearly distracted by something that Jason couldn’t make out. “Call me and let me know, I’ve got to go now. He – I’ve got to go,” and with that Chris hung up leaving Jason anxious for both of his friends.

* * *

Chris looked up from the book he was reading as he heard a knock on the door. He looked in confusion at his watch, unsure who would be calling. They didn't get visitors anymore, other than Jensen’s parents and he hadn’t told them what had happened. Jensen had fallen asleep again and Chris had just settled on the floor beside the couch so that he was close.

He pushed himself up from the floor and walked across to the door, looking through the spy-hole to see who was on the other side.

"Hey dude, it's your friendly neighborhood box-shifter! Going to give me a beer for my trouble?" Jason kept his tone light and teasing, trying to hide the concern he had been feeling since Chris' phone call.

Chris opened the door, but put himself firmly in the gap. "What are you doing here?" His tone was suspicious. "Jen's sleeping, we need quiet." Chris started to step back and close the door.

Jason shoved his foot in the door quickly and barged forward before Chris could stop him. "Chill, man. I'm not going to make a noise, just thought you sounded like you needed some company. We missed you on Friday night."

"I told you Jen's sleeping!" Chris' voice was a harsh whisper.

Jason could see that his friend was stretched to breaking point, firmly he manhandled him into the kitchen and shut the door, "There, you're safe, we won't wake Jen now. I'm more worried about you at the moment."

"Me?" Chris laughed. "I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me." Chris was shaking. He turned to face the kitchen counter and leant into it, trying to still his hands. "Everything's fine, Jason."

"No, you're not," Jason hooked two shot glasses down from the cupboard and rummaged for alcohol. Once upon a time this apartment had been his second home; he wondered how things had come to the point where he hadn't been here in the best part of a year. Finding a half bottle of cuervo he poured them each a shot.

"It's fine," Chris repeated again. "It's gonna be fine, I can fix it, I can make him see. It won't happen again, I won't let it." Chris rambled, his hands clenching and unclenching.

Jason grabbed Chris' hand, the hollow, vacant look in his friend’s eyes was really beginning to scare him. "Let it go, Chris," he urged. "Come on man, just tonight, kick back and have a drink, hell! Have them both, I'll stay sober and take care of you both tonight, but man, you gotta give yourself a break or you'll be no good to him."

Chris turned away, leant back against the counter and let his knees fold and he slid down to sit on the floor, shivering and shaking, his hands rubbing furiously at his face. "You can't be here," he whispered. "You have to go. . . We'll be okay."

"Come here, Kane. Just give it up man!" Jason found himself sliding to the floor beside his friend and pulling him into a bone crushing hug that he hoped would get through to the other man where words seemed to be having no effect.

Chris tried to hold himself still, tried to hold it together but he just felt the emotion surging inside him, until a sudden sob escaped, closely followed by another. He tried to pull himself away from Jason. This wasn't him, he didn't cry, he wasn't weak, he couldn't afford to be weak, Jensen needed him.

"Come on man, it's cool, let me carry some of the load tonight."

"I fucked it up! I got it so wrong! He - he . . . God, it was my fault! He's been through so much and then - then. . ."

"No! Chris, no, you've done so much for him, none of it is your fault," Jason reassured calmly.

Chris nodded, taking a deep breath and trying to calm the storm. He pushed himself up and moved to the sink where he began to run cold water, splashing it up on his face. "Yeah, okay. Like I said we'll be fine."

Jason grabbed him by the shoulder almost roughly, and yanked him back so they faced each other. "And I said, give it up!” he growled. "You might fool anyone else but you'll never fool me. You’re falling apart at the seams, man so just do it ok? Fucking cry or scream or hit me but don’t you dare lie to me!"

"Then what? Huh? What will any of that achieve, Jason?" Chris almost spat the words out, closing his eyes in an attempt to deny the look on his friend's face.  
"It means that tomorrow you'll be strong enough to cope again, tomorrow and next week and all the weeks after that. Cos if you carry on like this you'll have a breakdown and then what will happen to Jensen? Respite care? Long stay facility or just hired nurses? What will that do to him?"

"I don't want to be this guy, Jason, can't you understand that?"

"Of course I do, but you're pushing us all away - me and Steve and Soph, we'd all give you a break if only you'd let us. Be a bit selfish for once in your life."

"It's not all about me! I just - I just need to get my act together."

“No, it's not all about you, you selfish prick! It's about us too; ever think that we might _need_ to help too? What made you think that you were the only one dealing with the fallout from this? Fuck! Steve cradled Tom's corpse until the med techs pried him away, Sophia has to deal with his nightmares every night! I haven't been back in a car since and maybe, just maybe we should all be working our way through this crap together." He smiled wanly, "Fuck I need that drink now," he knocked one of the shots back and slid the other across the counter to Chris.

Chris stared vacantly at the shot glass for a few moments, before pushing it back towards Jason. "I don't drink anymore," he said quietly.

Jason felt like gagging at the sour taste in his mouth as he realized why, "Fuck!” he said again quietly, no heat left in his words, he felt drained now, didn't know what there was left to get through to his friend. If there was any way that they would ever be able to salvage anything, afraid that their friendship was another casualty of one idiot’s drunken stupidity."

"Jase? I - I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. You're right; I can't keep going like this. . . I - I just I don't know what to do anymore." Chris stepped closer to his friend, but then held still.

Jason froze, still at a loss, afraid that if he did or said anything Chris would spook again, retreat into his self defensive shell.

"I - I need you all, but Jen . . ." Tears welled in his eyes, he shook his head and tried to hold it together, wrapping his arms around his stomach as the first tear escaped and slid slowly down his cheek.

Jason stuttered forward, placed a tentative hand on Chris's shoulder. Still no room for words between them.

"Jase, I don't know what to do anymore, how to help him," Chris finally gave in and leant into his friend.  
"We'll figure it out together, like we should have done all along. And maybe we need to have a drink all of us, somewhere safe, drink to Tom's memory and laugh at the good times and cry together but then maybe we can move on, ‘cos at the moment it’s still as fresh as it was eleven months and thirteen days ago.”

"He's not ready for everybody. You - You're the first person to come here since. . . Dani - Dani only works when he's not in . . . He's not ready, I fucked up today, Jase. He was - he was -" Chris began to shake with silent sobs.

* * *

Jason pushed the door to the coffee shop open, relieved to see that it was pretty quiet and most of the customers seemed to be winding up ready to go. He'd be glad to get them all out as soon as he could and to just shut the door on them all, maybe give Steve a call and talk over everything that had happened and how they could make sure that Chris was okay and what they needed to do for Jensen. He thought back to the scene in the kitchen with Sophia, he needed to dig deeper into what was going on there as well. He sighed, wondering how Jensen and Steve had always managed to keep everyone else on track for so long, no wonder when they went over the edge it seemed pretty spectacular. "Hey Jared, everything okay?"

Jared grinned, "No probs, boss! You look done in, decaf latte with a shot of the undercounter special?"

"Just the latte, not the shot. Thanks though," Jason answered with a sad smile.

Jared looked at him with concern, "Everything okay? Steve picked up Sophia and said give him a call if there was anything he could do to help."

"Just tired . . . long day. Listen, thanks a lot for stepping in today. I really appreciate it." Jason took a seat at the counter.

“No worries, I had nothing else to do this evening anyway. Hey, I had a good day at the shop to day," he volunteered, trying to distract Jason from whatever was bothering him.

"Yeah?" Jason laughed gently. "Go on then, tell me about why all of a sudden the job you normally hate was good."

Suddenly shy, Jared busied himself with cleaning the coffee machine. "I had a customer."

Jason's grin broadened, "A customer?! Heaven help us all. So what did you sell this customer? You know I hope you're not like this in here, I'd like to think you could handle having 'a customer'!"

"He didn't actually buy anything!" Jared chuckled.

"Okay! Now you've got me worried. As your employer, admittedly not the bookstore one, but still, you do know customers are supposed to _buy_ things right? You should be taking money off the customers!"

"Well, the operative word in that sentence was **he**! D'you remember me telling you about the guy who saved me when I swooned at the hospital?" Jared hammed it up for all he was worth, glad to have put a smile back on Jason's face.

"Oh my God! Not the mystery green-eyed short guy you fell on!"

"The very same, and the eyes were way greener than I remembered, the dude was hot!"

"So what's the mystery guy's name? When are you seeing him again?"

"Um," Jared looked baffled, "D'you know, we talked for ages, I made him coffee and everything."

Jason laughed, "But you didn't get his name! Jared! Seriously dude! You've get to get a grip on the whole thinking and speaking thing! So what does mystery guy do? Where does he hang out?"

Jared shrugged, "Hospitals and bookstores I guess! Oh, he said it was cool here as well!”

"Here? So mystery man comes in here sometimes! Oh, I shall be eyeing up all my customers from now on . . . looking deep into their eyes to see if they're your mystery man!" Jason teased.

"Ha! Ha! Actually you need to look pretty closely, he has this floppy blonde hair which is kinda too long and it all hangs in his eyes."

"Okay, I bet you I work out who it is before you find out his name. You up for the bet? Come on Jared, what do you say, twenty dollars I find him first?"

Jared reached out and clasped Jason's hand, "You're on! Find him for me and you'll have earned every cent."

Jason laughed as he shook Jared's hand, "Just you wait till Chris hears this one, he's gonna love this!" As he let Jared's hand go, he turned to look over his shoulders at the few remaining customers and called, "Come on ladies and gents, tonight I wanna close up and go home, so please finish up and let my weary staff wind their way to their own homes. Thank you very much and come again, remembering that tomorrow night, Steve will be back in to perform a few songs for your delectation." He turned back to Jared with a smirk and a quick raise of the eyebrows. "While I think about it, are you up for picking up some more extra shifts? I could do with being able to schedule a bit of time out, there's some stuff I need to be doing, you know how it is."

"Sure, I don't work Wednesdays in the bookstore, or weekends and I can get here by 5.30 on the other days. The cash will come in handy if I finally get up the guts to leave the store."

"Wednesdays sounds good, how about Wednesday afternoons and then well um, any evening you feel like, let me know. I'll fit in what I need to do whenever you can cover. I'll slip out for an hour or two and then come back. You would be doing me a huge favor!"

"'Kay, thanks." Jared flashed his dimpled grin at Jason as he ushered the last customer out of the shop.

"So anything I need to know about tonight? Anything happen?" Jason asked as he collected the last of the crockery from the now deserted tables.

"Nah, it was pretty quiet, just the usual crowd. Sophia made Baklava and it went down pretty well, we saved you a piece in the kitchen. Steve said he'll be in tomorrow but he looked pretty crappy, hope he's not going down with something."

Jason’s frown was back as he asked, "Was he okay? He say anything else?"

Jared shrugged, "Nah, he wasn't here for long though, just collecting Soph."

"Okay. Thanks for everything tonight. We're just about done here," Jason moved towards the till. "Listen you want paying shift by shift or you gonna be a proper employee now?"

"Oh wow! Will I get a little name tag and my own hook in the cloakroom?"

"Don't push your luck, big guy! This ain't Starbucks you're working in, ya know!"

Jared chuckled, "Thank the lord for that!"

  


* * *

Jensen woke slowly, the room was dim, the TV on low just a murmur in the background to settle him. He shifted slightly, relieved that the pain from earlier seemed to have eased, not gone but then it was rarely completely gone. He turned his head seeking Chris, not finding him, but he saw on the table beside him a glass of water and his next round of meds. He pulled himself far enough up on the couch to be able to reach it and found a note with it from Chris. "Gone to bed, call me if you need me. Meds are on the table, don't forget to take them and there's a banana and some cookies too if you think you could manage them. If you're hungry, give me a shout, I've kept you some dinner, I just need to reheat it. See you in the morning. C."

Jensen reached for the meds and the water and swallowed them quickly with a grimace before picking up the banana and beginning to peel it. He saw his cell phone beside the lamp and pulled it towards him, toying with it before opening it and scanning back through the messages from Jared. He sighed.

He hadn't replied to any of them and it was just one more thing he was getting wrong. He'd read the letter from Jared, the one in which he'd said he wasn't going to be in any further contact unless Jensen contacted him first. Jensen closed the phone and took another bite of the banana, before he opened the phone again.

He opened a new message and typed, "Hey Jared. . ." He closed the phone again with a sigh and reached for the glass of water. Another gulp of water and he opened the phone again, "Hey, I'm sorry I've been out of touch. Things are," he paused while he tried to work out what things were. "Difficult" he typed finally. "Not at work in the office at the moment. Sorry to be out of touch. Jensen." He read the message three times, his thumb poised over the delete button before he finally sent it, hoping he'd done the right thing. He snapped the phone closed and set it back down on the table. It was late, he knew Jared would be unlikely to reply tonight, if he ever did. He wouldn’t blame him if Jared never got in touch again.


	10. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00012hfd/)

  
“Hi U, R U bak frm ur trip? Miss u - txt me asap - so we can tlk. Crap!! I have to be the world's worst texter - it offends me not to write properly! hope to talk soon J xxx”

Jensen toyed with his phone, turning it over and over in his hands, bored beyond belief with nothing specific to do and no one to distract him. Well enough to not need babysitting by his mother any longer, but according to Chris, not well enough to return to work, Jensen had been moving from room to room aimlessly round the apartment for what felt like hours.

He opened Jared's message again and re-read it for the fourth time. He'd got nothing else to do and Jared had written 'asap'. Some of the messages he'd received had implied that all was not well with Jared, but Jensen knew he'd been too selfish up to now to call Jared . . . maybe this was another step he needed to take. Maybe it was time he called Jared. Nervously, he tapped in Jared's number and pressed call.

"Yo dude, world’s finest Barista here! How can I help you?"

"Hey, you okay? I - I got your message," Jensen's voice was quiet, the nervousness not yet dispelled by Jared's humorous answer.

"Oh my God! Dude, it's you, man, am I glad to hear your voice?"

"Sorry - sorry. I - I couldn't call before."

“Oh that’s cool, man, just really good to know you're back safe.” The joy at hearing Jensen’s voice bubbled over, Jared was practically vibrating with happiness.

"I got your texts and Chris said . . . Chris said you sent an email or - or two. Thanks, I'll - I'll read them when I go back to work. You're okay though, are you?"

“Oh man, yeah sorry, might be another couple of drunken letters on their way somewhere too.”

"What's wrong? You . . . er, you need anything? Any help?"

“No one seems to inspire my verbal diarrhea quite like you is all! Just . . . a bit homesick I guess.”

"Texas," Jensen said gently.

“Yeah,” Jared breathed softly, he had missed Jensen’s quiet understanding so much.

"It's different there. . ." Jensen left the sentence hanging.

“Do you think I'll ever be able to go back?”

"I don't know. Some things change, some things . . . some things are better left behind. It gets easier with time, with people, new friends and you gradually don't miss it so much. But it never goes away completely. . ." Jensen flexed his hand, gripping and ungripping the arm of the couch he was sitting on anxiously, hoping he was saying the right thing, Jared's truth and not just his own.

Jared felt his heart clench as Jensen’s gentle words washed over him, Sophia and Jason's banter seemed to have faded into the background, like the only thing that mattered in the world was that Jensen was back, Jensen was talking to him.

"Sorry, guess I sound like an idiot! Sentimental and soft in the head!" Jensen said with quiet self-loathing as Jared's silence drew out.

"Oh no! No, I love to hear you talk. Sorry, I was spazzing out over how much I’d missed your voice, but no, you’re right, please don’t think that about yourself."

"Jared! Are you here to work or are you just going to take a break, big guy? Just let me know, dude!" Jason laughed loudly as Sophia shoved him in the shoulder reproachfully. "What! God, woman, you never know, maybe Jared's got a secret date or something that's he planning or maybe he's. . . Ooooh! I remember Chris said he was studying for the CIA when he was at school! Maybe this is a secret agent undercover conversation!"

"Hey, I got to go man - my boss is SUCH AN ASSHOLE, I'll call you later okay?”

"Jared, don’t call me an asshole - take a BREAK!!!! God, Sophia, is he dense or what?!" Jason called.

"I'll catch you later," Jensen said quietly, his voice so muted that his words were lost below Jason's.

“'kay, Jense? You still there?"

"Yeah, sorry."

"Nah, I . . . just I really didn’t want you to think I was . . . I dunno, I ramble on and all but . . . I think our friendship is something special and . . . fuck! I don’t know what I'm trying to say, just I’m really, really glad you're back."

"I - I . . . Me too."

"Good, ‘kay, I gotta run 'cos Jase is going out and Sophia isn't allowed near the coffee machine – she’s temperamental."

"Okay. We'll, er, speak again soon, won't we?" Jensen could hear the neediness in his own voice but hoped that Jared didn't notice or recognize it for what it was.

Jared found himself pathetically reluctant to hang up. "I meant the coffee machine," he muttered, "Not Sophia but she's kinda temperamental too."

"You wanna be careful saying things like that, she's nifty with knives and she keeps 'em all real sharp!" Jensen said softly, the humor clear despite the quietness.

Jared laughed, "Yeah, she is that," he sighed, "I really got to go, can I call you? When I finish up here tonight? It shouldn’t be too late."

"Yeah, I'm - I'm not going anywhere. I'll speak to you later."

"kay, good, I mean not good that you’re not going anywhere but good that I can call you." He paused, "Is it really lame that I don’t want to say goodbye?"

"Don't say it then, just, you know, get your stuff done and call me when you're through. I'll, you know, be waiting."

"Okay, you gonna hang up then?"

"Later, Jay." Jensen gently closed the handset, so gentle that he couldn't hear the click and could almost pretend the line to Jared was still open, they were still linked. He looked round the apartment again, looking for something to do. He saw a pile of books that Chris had brought home, first copies of stuff they'd need to promote in the future. He moved across to the pile and began to pick through, looking for something that he felt like tackling. He chose one and then took it and his notebook and pen over to the door to the balcony. He struggled for a moment to get his position right to be able to get his weight behind opening the sliding door, then moved through the door, put his notebook and pen on the little table they'd set out there and turned his attention to the book. Opening at the first chapter, he began to read, stopping every now and then to make a note in his other book.

* * *

Jared rushed to get his evening chores done and help Jason lock up. He was already calling Jensen as he yelled his goodbyes and headed out the door. "Hey man, how was your day?"

"You called," the words came out like a rushed sigh of relief.

"I promised," Jared said seriously, "God, Angie was on form tonight the bruises on my ass have bruises!

"I read your letters. You had to pack up Jeff's stuff . . . you okay?"

“Yeah, it was just weird. I didn’t know him long but he was my friend, I don’t like it at the shop anymore though.”

"You were doing some window displays, that - that no good?"

“Oh man, that was. . . shit don’t, 'kay? I don’t want to even think about it.”

"What happened? You need - um- you okay there or. . . you need. . . need?"

“I’m okay, I’m a big boy now! I just spent a long time doing this really cool montage of old and new books - total classics, you know? The ones people ought to be reading. Then I came back in after my day off and the window was all just black jacketed horror trash.

"Oh, Jay, I'm sorry, I get what you're saying I really do. You know, I - I know you like the classics and stuff but . . . but n-next time you have to do one, I could maybe suggest some titles so that Sam wouldn't just take all your effort apart. I - I know what she's like. I've met her before," Jensen offered tentatively.

"Yeah," Jay admitted, "Maybe I did get a bit carried away."

"It's not that I'm sure . . . it's just, I guess what you have to do is tempt people . . . Cl-classics can be daunting to some people, so it's like a trick, you show them something they think they want, they think they can read, something within their . . . experience I guess and then . . . then you put something else alongside, something more challenging and they don't see it as so unapproachable." Jensen hated how nervous he sounded when logically he knew that he knew what he was talking about, knew he was reasonably good at it, maybe not expert, but he knew how to lure people in to try reading something new.

"I never thought of it like that, of course you're right. I'm just, well I know my stuff with the old books but this, marketing and selling well, I'm really beginning to think it's not my thing."

"Knowing your stuff is what's important . . . you said before about the parallels between the books, the links between ideas and themes. how authors just reuse old ideas never anything new, so it's like if you want to promote, I dunno, Romeo and Juliet , you . . . you get together a load of love stories, star-crossed lovers galore and you display them and you make Romeo and Juliet your centre piece and you kind of draw people in convincing them that they're missing out if they like love stories because it is the ultimate, the perfect piece, all the others are just a taste of how good it could be if you read the real thing. I mean that's not a very good example but it's kind of spur of the moment, it was all I could think of. Sorry I should just shut up, it's not like I'm really any good at this kind of thing. Just ask round, Chris is good at thinking of books along themes, Jason could come up with loads too, if only because he keeps track of what the book clubs that meet at the coffee shop use - they sometimes go with themes or genres rather than authors." Jensen fell silent for a moment, closing his eyes to settle his mind from the rambled information he'd just poured down the phone. "I should just shut up. . . You - you should tell me to shut up. I'm sorry. . . I'm sorry." Jensen grew more anxious as time passed and Jared was quiet as he rambled on until he finally fell quiet and drew a couple of ragged breaths before apologizing again.

"Shhhh! Please, don't apologize. I love to hear you talk; you know so much about this stuff and . . . well, it's clear you have a passion for it too. It makes me feel really good that you want to share that with me."

"I'm just rambling. You shouldn't have to listen . . . Chris would have . . . " Jensen stopped, realization that Chris didn't tease him about rambling like he used to dawning on him. He changed what he was going to say, "Chris used to tell me to shut up when it was all crap. . . He used to tell me." There was a note of regret in Jensen's voice as if he'd lost something important to him.

Jared laughed softly, "He does that to me, and so does Jase. Well, actually so does pretty much everyone. Everyone except you."

"You talk to me," Jensen said quietly as if the simple sentence held a world more meaning than it seemed to.

Jared sighed softly; he was home already and hadn't even noticed the walk. He tucked the cell phone by his ear as he unlocked and went in. "You're a good listener," he offered. The place seemed cold and uninviting and he was tempted to beg Jensen for his address, he'd give anything to be with his friend now rather than here, alone.

"I - I should probably let you go, sorry to keep eating into your time. I - er - I need to get Chris something to eat for dinner, I . . ." Jensen gulped nervously, shut his eyes and tried to continue. "He's done a lot lately; I should make it up to him. Bye."

"Please . . . please talk to me, I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound so pathetic and needy . . . Oh fuck! Jen, I'm so . . . alone, please, just talk to me while I turn on some lights, put on the TV, just . . . sorry. You have stuff to do. I shouldn't keep bugging you, sorry."

"I can do that," Jensen sounded reassured by Jared's words. "I just thought you'd want me to go away and. . . I . . . You know."

"No," Jared gasped, "Never again, please! I didn't know what to do with myself when you were away the last few weeks. Mind you I have piles of stuff that I've written all revised and edited for you to look at now so if you drown under the pile of paper it's totally your own fault for abandoning me!"

Jensen swallowed, wanting to believe Jared's words, "I - I can do that. I - I have some time just now . . . if it would help you."

Jared sighed, relieved. "I know you have your reasons and I swear I'm not pushing, I . . . I really would like to meet you one day. I mean, I'm here all cold and lonely and you're just there waiting for Chris . . . I mean we can't be more than a few blocks apart really. I mean we could totally be playing Xbox or . . . or Jenga or Twister. I am really good at Twister 'cos of the freakishly long arms and legs," he chuckled, "Tell me I'm right - Jase and Chris, the first thing they both said about me is - he's tall!"

"You talk a lot . . ." Jensen murmured, "That's what Chris says."

"I told you - that and the tall thing, it's all anyone ever notices."

"You're a good person, they said that too. . ." Jensen reassured.

Jared smiled at that, then realized Jen couldn't see him. "They were . . . they are good people too."

"You - you okay? You okay there now . . . you need . . . you need anything just it - it takes me a while, a while to get stuff done in the kitchen. I'm - I don't find it, it's difficult in the kitchen."

“I'm fine now, honestly. I just don’t like coming home to an empty apartment - got too used to living in shared housing while I was a student. You go do your cookery thing okay?"

"We'll - we'll talk again, yes?" Jensen knew he sounded too eager, he'd drive Jared away if he wasn't careful.

"Yeah, I'll look forward to it. Night then, sleep well."

"Okay. You take care." Jensen did all he could to keep a tight rein on his words. "If you - if you . . ." he let the sentence drift, "I'll answer now. I _can_ answer, if you call."

"I will, bye."

"Bye," Jensen breathed the word out and waited, straining to hear Jared's last breath before the connection broke.

"Bye," Jared breathed again, trying to hold on to the connection for a few more moments before finally sliding the phone shut and putting it on the dresser.

Jensen sat for a few moments staring at the phone in his hand, his mind wandering over the conversation and coming back time and again to Jared's words, "I really would like to meet you one day." Part of him wanted Jared to really mean that more than anything else, part of him didn't want to spoil what they'd got now. Eventually he put the phone in his pocket and made his way into the kitchen to start preparing dinner for himself and Chris. He reached for the diet sheet he'd got from the hospital and then went to see what there was in the fridge.

* * *

Jensen toyed with a pen on his desk twisting it round and round, as he awkwardly avoided making eye-contact with Chris. Three days in the stock room and Chris was pissed at him, he got it he really did. He looked up, eyes sorrowful, half-hoping that Chris would stop pushing him so much.

"Jen, it's cool, really it is. But hey, I can't see your desk for mail and I don't know what's important and what isn’t. You can spend the afternoon in the stockroom, 'kay? I know you're just pissed 'cos out here you can't spend all the time texting sweet nothings to Jared!"

Jensen's sorrowful look vanished in a sudden glare of irritation, "I do _not_ spend my time texting sweet nothings to anyone! Just ‘cos you can find a million and one ways to waste time in the stockroom and to be honest I’m beginning to wonder what exactly it is we pay Dani to do down there. Next time she's in, you should go down there and make sure she actually does something!"

Chris chuckled affectionately, "Yeah, yeah! Well, maybe I will go up there with her for an hour later - but only so I can see if _you_ actually got anything done this week!"

"Hmph!" Jensen looked away in disgust and picked up the first envelope on the pile that Chris had decided was his.

Chris grinned and switched on his computer, it was good to have Jensen back here with him again, they'd always been a good team and running the place without him was a very lonely enterprise.

It didn't take Jensen long to open all of the envelopes and prioritize them. He smirked secretively as he highlighted quite a hefty group of orders and flicked on his own computer screen to begin logging them in. A few minutes later and he had the orders arranged suitably and attached to an email which he was busily typing, _"Dear Chris, As I apparently have an inordinate amount of office work to do that you are incapable of managing alone, I am attaching some orders that appear to have been neglected by the usual office staff. I am sorry to say that I really won't have time to fetch these orders today as I will be spending my time rectifying the mess caused by the incompetence of my colleague. I feel sure that you will understand my position. Yours, Jensen."_ He shifted his position so he could watch Chris' reaction whilst remaining protected by his own computer screen and clicked on send. He waited for the familiar 'ping' of messages received in Chris’ open email account.

"Asshole!" Chris wadded up a sheet of paper and flung it across the room where it bounced off Jensen's shoulder. "'kay, I'll go sort them out, take Dani with me. Although we have had our money's worth out of her this month anyway with all she's had to do, the invoice for her overtime is in there somewhere too."

"I'll get to it," Jensen grinned openly this time, as he pulled the next pile that he'd sorted towards him.

Chris set the list of orders to print while he made them both a coffee and rang down to Dani to ask her to come up and help in the stockroom. "You know I do realize this is just a shallow ploy to get me out of the way while you call Jared."

"Here!" Jensen shifted his weight awkwardly with a grimace as he fished his cell phone out of his pocket. "Take that with you, then you'll know I'm working! As if I can't manage without texting every couple of minutes, I'm not a complete moron you know?" Then he waved the pile of papers at Chris, "See all this, you'll know I've been working when you get back if this pile is reduced - do I need to do anymore to prove to you that I come here to work?" He rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"Lighten up, bro. I am kidding!" Chris handed over Jensen's coffee, "Hell, I don't know why I ever expect you to be human until you've had at least three of these."

"Take it! And clear off! Someone needs to do some work around here!" Jensen laughed.

Chris stuck the phone in his pocket and grabbed the list from the printer, "Bet you the cost of lunch that I finish before you do."

"You're on." Jensen turned away, pointedly brandishing a pen and a sheaf of the papers. "Go!"

* * *

Jensen sat at the desk and made his way down the pile of letters that needed answering without pause for more than the occasional envious glance at Chris’ empty chair and to shift his weight relieving the pressure on his back. He looked at the slowly reducing pile, determined to finish it before Chris came back up to talk about lunch. He sighed and switched his attention back to the letter he was writing.

It was another forty-five minutes before Jensen looked up again, his gaze settling back on the empty chair again as he shifted again and let out a small groan of pain, before trying to train his eyes back on his work. “Coffee?” Chris asked from the doorway where he’d been watching Jensen for the last few minutes in silence. He’d noticed the envious glances at the chair and had at first assumed they were aimed at his absence, but as he’d noticed Jensen shift awkwardly and groan he wondered if maybe he’d got that wrong after all.

Jensen’s eyes snapped up in surprise as he let out a yelp of surprise which was rewarded with a warm smile from Chris. “I’ll be back in a minute,” he said as he moved to get the coffee and give himself space to think about what he’d seen. Jensen had got rid of his office chair the first time he’d returned to the office after the accident, a fit of justified anger at a time when he was so choked up on everything that had happened that Chris had just accepted it and it had never been mentioned again. At the time, Jensen had been struggling to get the hang of the wheelchair and had been unable to transfer himself in and out of it without help, something he managed most of the time with ease now.

Chris thought about how Jensen’s wheelchair was made for letting him get around easily, it wasn’t designed for sitting still at a desk. When they were at home, Jensen was invariably keen to transfer out of it and onto the couch or the specially designed chair they’d now got by the window, which Chris occasionally dragged onto the balcony so they could sit in the sun together. Jensen was uncomfortable sitting at his desk in his wheelchair and was too proud, which shouldn’t have surprised Chris at all, to admit to it. It also made it clear why so often when Jensen worked in the evenings or at the weekend, he actually sat in Chris’ chair.

Chris walked back across the office carrying the two cups of coffee and walked round to perch himself on the edge of Jensen’s desk, ignoring the exasperated look Jensen gave him as he had to shift a pile of papers before Chris knocked them onto the floor altogether.

“Thanks,” Jensen said, his eyes barely lifting from the accounting sheets in front of him. When Chris made no move to leave, he asked, “Was there something I could do for you? Or have you come to gloat and tell me that _with_ Dani’s help, you’ve managed to finish up in the stockroom?”

Chris didn’t answer for a few moments until Jensen looked up in frustration at his friend, “Jen, there’s a couple of things I want to talk to you about . . .”

Jensen put down his pen, moved the papers to one side and accepted the coffee from Chris without a word. His eyes flicked nervously away from Chris and a multitude of thoughts ran through his mind from Chris wanted out of the business, to Chris wanted _him_ out of the business to Chris wanted him out of the apartment. He bit his lip before looking back at his friend, anxiety clear in his expression.

Chris watched his reaction, concerned, before shaking his head and beginning to speak, “I’ve been thinking and I think it’s time we got you a decent chair for that desk or a different desk, but whichever the two you’ve got now do _not_ work. The wheels of the chair don’t fit under so you continually have to lean forward too far to be able to work and you’re too low. Your back must be murder, no wonder you keep hiding out in the stockroom, it must leave you in loads of pain!” He saw the flash of guilt in Jensen’s eyes. Shaking his head he added, “Is that why you sit in mine so often?”

“I can manage,” Jensen murmured. “I threw the old one out, so . . .”

“So you made a mistake eight months ago and you’re still paying for it? Don’t be stupid! I’ll get you one if you won’t, a belated Christmas present. We didn’t really celebrate Christmas this year, so what do you want, chair or desk?”

“Chris,” there was a warning tone to Jensen’s voice.

“What? We didn’t, you were in hospital again and . . . Jensen, just stop looking for excuses. I’m not gonna accept them anyway. . . you’re getting a new something whether you like it or not!”

“Chris, we . . . we don’t have . . .”

Chris growled in annoyance and pushed himself off of his desk, moving over to his own desk and wheeling his chair round carefully and setting it beside Jensen, “Borrow that for now and quit with the ‘we don’t have the money’ shit or whatever. As the Health and Safety executive, I have to insist that this company is not doing sufficient to meet the needs of its employees until it gets you a new chair!”

“Chris . . .” Jensen’s voice held a note of defeat.

“Quit wearing my name out, dude!” He knelt down in front of Jensen and caught his friend’s hands in his own. “You threw it out, I know. You threw it out ‘cos you were angry and frustrated and at the time you couldn’t make it back and forth from your wheelchair on your own, but you _can_ now. And inside, I know there are still days when you’re frustrated and angry, but if you try throwing out the chair again, this time I know to stop you or to just hide it until you change your mind,” he finished with a smirk. As Jensen nodded sadly, he began to speak again “You have achieved so much in the last year, you have come so far, but you have every right to be angry still. Hell, I still am. . . but I’m not angry at you and I never will be unless you give up fighting. You have fought back so far and I am so proud of you but nothing can take away the anger that you have had to fight back like this, it should never have happened, but it did and no matter how much we want it to be different, it isn’t and it isn’t going to be for a while yet.”

“I guess,” Jensen nodded. With a small smile, he moved his wheelchair out of the way and let Chris put the office chair in position before he swiftly shifted his position from one to the other and then eased the chair into a better position at the desk and settled back with a relieved sigh. “Thanks,” he added, his smile relaxing further.

Chris shook his head, “You are the stupidest asshole on the planet sometimes. Looks like you’re getting down the pile well though. I’ll be heading back down to the stockroom now and I’ll leave you in peace.” He ruffled Jensen’s hair, “And that, dude, still needs a cut!” He left the room laughing.

Jensen turned his attention back to the work on his desk as he heard Chris’ laugh growing more distant as he headed back to the stockroom. He couldn’t believe Chris sometimes, but he thanked whatever god had decided to let him keep Chris in his world. He knew without a shadow of doubt that he wouldn’t have made it this far without Chris pushing him constantly.

His back was already easing. The ability to support it and reach the keyboard and desk without difficulty immediately let the tension began to drain away. He ploughed his way further down the pile maintaining a steady pace that saw the bottom of the pile growing closer bit by bit.

Another hour passed before he looked up, the pile cleared for now. He’d even answered the majority of his email. All that remained was to deal with the orders and promotions for Tom’s book and he turned his attention to that now with nothing else hanging over him to distract him from the most important thing he had to do.

  



	11. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00012hfd/)

With the pile cleared, Jensen started by phoning round the stores he’d already approached to get final figures for how many books they’d like and how exactly they were going to go about approaching the promotion, what else they would need from Jensen. There was a mixture of suggestions from people just wanting simple posters or leaflets that they could slip in with other books to raise awareness, to people wanting special stands, someone to go in and set up displays with all of Tom and Jensen’s books as this was the first to have just Tom’s name. Jensen still hadn’t worked out why Tom had insisted on it; after all it was no less of a collaboration than any of the others. Jensen remembered the argument as if it were yesterday; right up to the point when he had caved after Tom threatened to leave him taking his photographic contribution to the book if he didn’t get his way. Jensen had known he couldn’t afford to make the trip again to take another set of photos and that it had cost him a big chunk of his existing savings to make the trip the first time because Tom had insisted that they used a different publishing house who weren’t even going to pay a contribution to the travel costs up front and Tom as always had been out of money to pay his own way.

He filled out all the requisition details for the different stores and then opened a new document to begin to write the promotional leaflets and advertizing. Thirty minutes in and he found himself staring blankly at the screen before him. He’d got a few paragraphs down and was unsure what else to write. He shifted the chair back and stood carefully, transferring his weight slowly and carefully to move himself round to the box of books that had arrived in the office the day before. Using the desk, the wall, the filing cabinet, Jensen slowly made his way round the room, promising himself that he could do it. Physiotherapy had been becoming easier, he was regularly on his feet and moving slowly now and the physiotherapist had said that it was fine for him to move carefully on his own for short distances, so long as he was sure he had something to help support his weight if he got tired or began to lose his balance. The guy had even shown him a way to lower himself to the ground if it got too much without doing himself an injury so that he could wait for help, not that he envisaged needing to do that on this trip.

He opened the box and lifted out a copy of the book, tucking it under his arm before turning to make his way slowly back to his desk. His smile was huge when he finally settled back into the chair and opened the book on his desk. Chris was right, he could do it; he could slowly piece his life back together. So long as he only raised his sights gradually he could make the goals. He couldn’t wait for Chris to come back up, to be able to wave the book under his nose and tell him how he’d got it. Sure, Chris would rant and say he shouldn’t have done it without him there to be sure he was okay, but since he’d seen the move that let Jensen lower himself to the ground at the first sign of him not being able to make it from one place to another and he’d extracted a firm promise from Jensen that he would use it rather than risk pushing too far or falling, he’d begun to ease up and celebrate each of Jensen’s successes along with him.

He sat down and looked at the book in front of him, unexpected tears welling in his eyes. “I miss you so much, Tom,” he whispered to the book, his fingers running gently over the lettering of Tom’s name. “I miss you every day and that pain just doesn’t go away. I’m fighting though . . . Chris wouldn’t let me just give up, he keeps pushing. He says the only way I can make you proud is to fight through all this shit. He’s probably right, but sometimes I just wish I could give up and come to you, be with you.”

He sighed and wiped away the tears. “I’ll make you proud of me; I’ll do this for you. This book, it’ll be flying out of the stores, won’t stay on the shelves long enough to need dusting!” He opened the cover and looked at the photo of Tom on the inside of the fly cover. “You were everything, why did you settle for me? I could never live up to your standards.” His fingers now traced Tom’s cheek and jaw in the picture.

Pulling himself together he began to flick through the pages, glancing at photos, remembering where they were taken, when. He closed the book again and wrote another paragraph into the advertizing before turning back to the book again and opening it at the beginning and turning it slowly page by page, taking in everything as if he’d never seen the book before. He read the contents, remembering the journey behind the book. He inhaled the smell of new book, felt the crisp texture of unblemished, untouched pages and turned another page.

His eyes read the words and his breath stopped. Confusion creased his brow, that couldn’t be right! He read and re-read the words, it didn’t matter how many times he read them they still said the same thing. He took a great gulping swallow of air, closed his eyes and tried to center himself. This was some sort of fucked up mistake! The publishing house – that’s what he had to do. Call the publishing house; get the print run cancelled and the mistake put right. The book couldn’t go on the shelves without this rectified.

He opened his eyes, trying to avoid seeing those words and focused instead on his phone extension and getting through to the right person in the publishing office. “Hey Monica, yeah, Jensen here. I’ve got a copy of Tom’s book in front of me and there has been a major error made – the dedication – it’s not right. It can’t go on the shelves like that!”

Jensen listened to Monica’s reply. “Yeah, I’ll hold on while you check it out.” Jensen waited, not nervous, just angry that they could make such a crass mistake on Tom’s book, his final book, the one he wasn’t here to check for himself. His fingers nervously twitching, he tore the offending page from the book in front of him. He picked up his pen and began to scrawl viciously over the words in front of him.

He dropped the pen guiltily when Monica came back on the line, but her next words tore everything apart, dropping him into an unexpected abyss. “Jensen, that is the right dedication, Tom phoned us after the book had been submitted and changed it to that. You didn’t know? I was under the impression you knew when he did it. As soon as I checked I remembered the conversation I’d had with him. He told me not to worry, you’d . . . Oh God, he didn’t say you knew, he said you would know before the book came out! Oh Christ! I’m sorry, Jensen.”

Jensen cut the connection; he couldn’t listen to that anymore. It had been deliberate . . . it wasn’t a mistake. Tom had changed the dedication. Tom had taken his name off the book and he’d gone along with it, it hadn’t seemed worth the arguments, worth the fight, after all they were together, they were happy. It wouldn’t have mattered if the money came to them jointly or separately except it did, because in taking his name off the book, Tom had also ensured that the money went only to himself and this . . . this just proved that Tom hadn’t intended sticking round for Jensen to share that money with him. Tom had been . . . Jensen took a huge sobbing breath as the final realization hit . . . Tom had been intending to leave him, he’d manipulated him, used him and was intending to leave him and the final indignity had been cheating him out of his rights to the book and . . . and . . .

Jensen’s eyes read back over the words again, “To Dani, my one true love, my life, my future. We are made for each other, everything that has gone before pales before our love. This book is our start, our path to where we want to be, with this we can leave the hangers-on behind and find our own nirvana.”

He felt himself choking up, it had all been lies! His life had been a lie! His love . . . huh . . . it wasn’t love, that was clear. Dani! It was some sort of twisted bitter joke. She’d been here, all that time she’d been here, she’d known . . . she’d known! Jensen felt a sob building up inside. He’d been blind, been a fool. He took hold of the paper before him and shredded it as the tears flooded down his cheeks.

All this time he’d been holding out, holding on to Tom, the memory of Tom and it was just a lie. Tom hadn’t loved him at all, had been using him all along. He wiped a hand across his eyes, trying to clear his vision enough to see. He turned his attention to the computer and clicked delete on the promotional stuff he’d been working on, he’d be damned before he promoted that bastard’s book! He opened up his email again and opened a new mail, adding contacts rapidly, all the customers he’d arranged promotions or orders for ‘that’ book with and he began to type, “To whom it may concern, We know our books regrets to inform you that due to irregularities surrounding the release of the book by Tom, we will no longer be acting as agents for the publishers. As you know, We know our books has always prided itself on good customer service and superior provision of support. In order to do this we have always had personal participation between ourselves, the publishing houses we liaise with and yourselves. We will be severing ties with the publishing house in question as we are not willing to deal with their methods; it is in contravention to our aims. All other orders will be fulfilled with our usual punctuality and we hope that this will not deter you from continuing to use the service we provide. With best regards, Jensen.” A sudden thought crossed his mind and he added Chris to the email with a CC before he pressed send.

Then he quickly pushed the chair back from the desk and without paying any attention to the methods the physiotherapist had given him, he forced his way upright and tried to step over to the wheelchair. His ankle turned and he let out a cry of pain, grabbing at the desk and trying to adjust his leg. He twisted himself round and tried again, a quick push and he tried to stagger unsupported to the wheelchair. He felt the ankle give and he fell to his knees, his hands holding onto the chair, bracing himself enough to keep from banging his head against the metal frame of the chair. He used the strength of his arms to haul his body up again and awkwardly twisted round to drop into the chair properly.

He rounded the desk, anger and bitterness writhing in his stomach and then paused on the far side of his desk. Using the wires he pulled the phone until he could reach it and called for a taxi. A ten to fifteen minute wait! He pushed himself over to the box with all of Tom’s books in and pulling them out one by one, he tore off the covers, shredded the dedication page and tore chapters apart letting them drop on the floor, with the last book destroyed, he pushed himself to the door and headed out, leaving the mess behind him without looking back, focused only on his goal.

The taxi pulled up as he reached the sidewalk. “Hey Jensen,” the familiar driver greeted warmly, before seeing the distress on Jensen’s features. “You okay, dude?” he asked, before noticing how Jensen’s foot was twisted from its usual position, the shoe hanging almost off. “Let me give you a hand with that,” he offered reaching for the shoe that was about to fall free. As he did so, he saw the swelling that had started on the ankle. “Ouch! That must hurt. You want me to run you down the hospital to get that checked out, huh?”

“I guess,” Jensen’s voice was quiet, choked, but right now, anyone who would give him painkillers and plenty of them sounded like someone he wanted to see.

* * *

Chris heard the phone ringing in the distance and waited for it to stop when Jensen picked it up. It carried on ringing. He frowned and moved closer to the stock room door. The phone stopped and he started to step away only to hear the phone start again. Why wasn't Jensen answering it? He started to head up to the office when the phone cut off again. This time his own phone started to ring. He pulled it from his pocket and saw Jason's name flashing on screen. "Hey man, can I call you back in a minute? Jensen's supposed to be answering the office phone and he isn't so I need to check on him and call someone back whose call he's ignoring."

"That was me you dick, I’ve got lunch for us all, I was going to bring it round."

"You sure? That'd be cool, I'm run off my feet in the stock room today! Guess I should have been keeping a better eye on the temporary staff, but don't tell Jen I said that! He told me they hadn't been doing their stuff properly. So what time will you be here?" Chris crossed the final few feet and walked into the office. "FUCK!" he gasped as his eyes took in the devastation on the floor.

"What is it man, what's wrong?"

"Jen? Jensen!" Chris scrambled over the now discarded box and the debris from the destroyed books. "What the fuck? Where? Jason!"

"I'm on my way, man. Sophia's gonna call Steve, they'll manage between them till Jared gets here."

"He's not here! Fuck! Where the hell . . .? Where can he go?" The pitch of Chris' voice was climbing along with his panic.

"Calm down, Chris, you sure he's not just in the john or something?"

"I - I'll check! You're coming, right?" He turned round and headed out of the office in the direction of the restroom. "I've fucking done it again, I've pushed him too far. God, Jason, I keep getting it so fucking wrong for him!"

"No, man, that’s not true. He's been so much happier this week. Whatever it is, it’s not you. Look I'm hanging up now but I'll be with you in five minutes tops!"

The rest room door banged open ferociously revealing an empty room. No sign of Jensen. Chris turned around and shouted at the top of his voice, "JENSEN!" unsurprised when Dani appeared from the stockroom but there was no sign of Jensen.

Dani leaned in the doorway and yawned, "What's the miserable fucker done now?" she asked.

"Just go and get some actual work done, it's what we pay you for you know!" Chris snapped, before turning his back on her and heading back to the office, trying to work out where else Jensen could be. He moved round his desk to see if there was any clue, whether Jensen had left him a message or something. When there was nothing on his own desk, he rounded the room to Jensen's where he could see the devastation had started. It was then he realized what it was lying all over the office floor - Tom's book. "Fuck!" he said, closing his eyes in despair.

Jason couldn't wait for the elevator, he took the stairs two at a time, a feeling in his gut telling him that this wasn't Chris over-reacting there was something really wrong.

Chris ran his fingers over the remains of the cover of the book on Jensen's desk, "I'm sorry, Tom, I'm sorry. I thought it would help, I thought he'd be okay, I was never far away. I thought he'd know that he only had to say and I'd be here for him. He never has to be alone. We all still love him, man."

"What's going on man? Have you tried calling him?"

Chris' head snapped up, shocked at seeing Jason there so quickly. "I thought it would help him, Jase. I thought he could say goodbye and start to move on. . ." his voice sounded lost.

Jason took in the destruction around him, "Use your eyes, Chris, this isn't grieving, this is anger. Let me see that." He held out his hand for the book.

Chris picked up the cover and passed it over, then gathered up bits of papers, chunks of the book wondering how he could fix it, put it together to hand it to Jason. "He's wrecked it!" Confusion clear, "He loved Tom. God! The last year, he'd have given up and gone to join him if he'd had the chance. Why? Why would he do this?" Chris collapsed into his chair in its position behind Jensen's desk and noticed the page that was shredded beyond redemption. He ran his fingers through the tiny shreds of paper, lifting them up and allowing them to fall in a drift like snowflakes. "I - I should call him, find out where he is," Chris muttered reaching forward for the phone on Jensen's desk. He pressed the numbers for Jensen's number and paused waiting for it to start ringing. He jumped in surprise when he felt the vibration followed by the familiar ring tone in his own pants’ pocket. "Fuck! I - I took his phone off him this morning! I was teasing him about Jared. Why did I do that?"

"Okay, let’s think for a minute have you got a copy of the book? What could have upset him so much?"

"Home? Maybe he's just gone home? D'you think?" Chris asked.

“I'll call, you find the book."

"Yeah, I'll do that. I'll find the book; I must have one, right? Do you - do you know the number you need? It's - it's on speed-dial!" Chris gabbled. Jason didn’t respond to Chris’ questions knowing they were products of panic rather than real questions. Chris began to scrabble through the papers on his own desk before suddenly pulling a drawer open and retrieving an undamaged copy of the book, "Here, Jason. Here I've got one! What do you want me to do now? Have you got through yet? Is the phone working right? Is he answering?"

"He's not answering," Jason slid his phone shut, "Have a look then, I mean he did get proper credit for it, didn't he? Didn’t they have some sort of argument about that? I remember Tom complaining that he thought Jensen was being too pushy about the order of their names and the dedication and stuff. Didn’t get much sympathy from me after all Jensen wrote most of the damn thing and reshot all the photos on the shoots that Tom was too stoned to do properly."

"It's . . . There's . . . shit! There's only Tom's name on the front and . . ." Chris opened the book and looked at the flyleaf. "It's just Tom . . . there's no mention of him! Jensen fucking wrote this, not Tom!" Chris slammed the book down on his desk, fury written all over his features.

"Give it here, let me see." Jason snatched the book off the desk, and started to flip through, "Oh Christ!! Oh my fucking Christ!"

"What? What is it?"

"Oh my god, he was going to leave him, the dedication it’s . . . it’s to _Dani_ , Tom says he loved Dani and the rest of us were all just hangers on!"

"He said WHAT?! He was the fucking hanger-on! He was nothing without Jensen!" Chris' anger was growing, his fist clenching ready to slam into something.

"Dani, he dedicated the book to Dani, oh Jesus, what must Jen be going through!"

Hearing Jensen's name again brought Chris back from his rage, the anger draining for the moment, "Where would he go? You think maybe he's gone home and he's not answering? I could go there, I could go and see. I should close up, get rid of everyone . . . of Dani! She's in the stock-room; he couldn't come and find me because she was there!" Chris stormed round the desk heading for the office door.

"Are we going to go to yours and see if he's there?"

Chris stopped, torn. He closed his eyes for a moment, Jensen at the centre of his thoughts, what was best for Jensen. "I - I have to get rid of Dani and lock up, then yes . . . yes we're going home. I need to . . . I need to turn off the computers and - and set the answer machine and lock up the stock room. I can't - can't leave Dani to do it, not after this!" he said, trying to control the urge to head down to the stock room and fire Dani on the spot, whilst giving her a piece of his mind about her behavior. "She's a fucking bitch!" he growled, glaring at Jason.

Jason held up his hands, "I'm not arguing with you there, two faced cow! Do what you need to do, I'll call your place again, and maybe Jared, Jen might have called him."

Chris marched out of the room and down to the stock room, trying to keep his temper carefully controlled, "Dani, get your stuff and go, I've got to shut up for the day. I'll call and speak to you later or tomorrow."

Dani strutted into the room, tossing her dark mane of hair. "What's the problem, Boss?" She drawled. "I can lock up if you want."

"No, just get your stuff and go Now! I don't need you to lock up, I want you to go and don't bother coming back in tomorrow."

"You can't do that, I haven't done anything! What the fuck is your problem?" she shrilled angrily.

"You really don't wanna go there! And right now, I have more important things than you to be thinking about," Chris growled.

"Well excuse me if I don’t happen to think my job is kind of a big deal!" Looking down she spotted the book on the desk where Jason had dropped it and understanding flickered onto her face.

"I have more important things to do right now." The words were clipped, Chris’ voice tightly controlled, the mantra running through his head of ‘get her out, get out and get Jensen’, over and over again.

"Yeah, you always had more important things to do. You and Jensen always so serious. Tom and I would lie in bed together and laugh at you. He always said that there was no fun left in you lot any more. It was why he loved me!"

Chris' anger flared, "You fucking bitch!" he started to move towards her.

"Hey, cool it, man. She's not worth it." Jason stepped forward to intervene. "Just pack up and go, we'll make sure you get your correct severance pay and everything but you have to understand why there's no place for you here anymore."

“As if I care about this crummy two bit little dive anyway. Tom made it so all the proceeds of the book will come to me, I was only waiting till it comes out, I'm moving to the Dominican islands, it is what we planned to do together anyway! He used to laugh at Jensen, pathetic he called him, God if he could see him now, if he thought Jen was pathetic before he’s a fucking joke now"

Chris almost leapt at her stopped only by Jason's arms bracing against him. "I mean it man, she's not worth it!” Chris slumped against Jason bonelessly. Jason looked angrily at Dani who was still standing at a safe distance in the office door way and smirking. "Just get out of here," he muttered hoarsely.

"I'm going but I'd better get my full severance by Monday or you'll be hearing from my attorney. Oh yeah, and with the money from the book, unlike you two, I’ll be able to afford an attorney,” she laughed as she walked away.

As Dani left, Chris murmured, "How did I not know? All this time, all the things she's said about Jensen, how could I not have realized?"

"I don't know man, but like you said, we got more important things to worry about now."

"Where's he gone? You think he's home? He'll have gone there, right? He'll be okay?" Chris began to chew on his lip anxiously.

“I'm sure he's fine but since you've got his phone I think we should go there. I'll call Steve and Jared while we head there.” Chris walked back round the desk to shut down Jensen's computer and then moved over to his own. He clicked the answer machine on for the phone and then as he and Jason headed out, he locked the doors behind them without another word as he listened to Jason call Steve, hoping against hope that Jensen who hadn't spoken to Steve in almost a year would have called him now.

* * *

Jensen had sat in the waiting room of the ER for an hour as people came and went. Every now and then a member of staff would check he was okay and then move on again to someone more seriously injured. After all he thought, what did it matter if a guy already in a wheelchair had injured an ankle. Someone had given him an icepack to take the swelling down and then he'd been left alone again with nothing to do but think. So it was that he had more than enough time to think about how much of an idiot he'd been over the last . . . well, he wasn't sure how long it had been going on between Tom and Dani. A sudden thought of the devastation he'd left in the office passed through his mind followed by a rush of guilt as he thought of Chris' reaction when he saw it.

He looked round for a phone, the only one he could see he knew he didn't stand a chance of being able to reach. He wasn't going to be any more of an idiot and attempt to stand up on his ankle now and from his position in the chair it was too high. Just then his name was called and he was taken back to be checked over properly. It didn't take long for them to decide it was nothing more than a sprain and that simple strapping and resting it would be sufficient. On talking about the meds he already had at home, they said just to take his usual pain meds and then sent him on his way. The nurse who wheeled his chair back out for him, took pity on him when he admitted to not being able to reach the phone to call for a friend or a taxi. She agreed to make the call for him and pass the receiver over. "Here ya go," she said a few moments later.

"Chris? It's me," he said quietly, hoping that Chris wouldn't be too furious.

"Hey Jen, thank god, are you okay? Where are you?"

"Hospital. . . ER . . . I'm sorry, look, don't worry okay? Just - just can you come get me?"

“I'm on my way now. Hospital!!!!! What’s wrong, what have you done?”

"Just a sprained ankle, but Chris, I need to tell you about something but not now, okay, not on the phone. I need to talk to you. . . Will you come? I'm sorry."

“I'm coming, Jen . .. I know, okay, I fired her, we'll talk later. Jase and I are coming now.”

"J- Jason . . . but . . ." Chris could hear the too-familiar anxiety in Jensen's voice.

“It's cool, he's cool; we’re on our way.”

"Okay," Jensen's answer was subdued.

“Okay, hang on in there, bro. We'll have you home in no time," Chris reassured.

Jensen handed the receiver back to the nurse to hang up and moved away to sit alone and wait for Chris to come, Chris and Jason.

* * *

  
 **Chapter 13 – A Farewell To Arms**

Jensen was relieved that despite the worried looks he had got from Chris and Jason when they had arrived at the hospital, they hadn't said anything more than checking he was going to live long enough to get him home and that they knew what medical advice had been added to the already extensive list. "Stay off his feet," was met with a tightening of Chris' eyes but he kept his thoughts to himself for the time being. Jensen just felt exhausted now and found himself drifting on the edge of sleep as they drove home.

Jason felt Jensen grow heavy and loll against him in the back of the car. He wasn’t surprised - the emotional rollercoaster they had been on all day had exhausted all of them. He suddenly realized that he hadn't even stopped to think before getting in the car with Chris, their concern for Jensen's welfare had overcome his own fears.

Chris looked over his shoulder while he waited for the lights to change, "He okay?" he asked Jason quietly, careful to keep his voice quiet enough not to disturb Jensen.

"Yeah," Jase murmured. "Tired tho', it’s been a long day. Shall I order takeout when we get back? You've got to eat and that way we don’t need to worry about cooking."

"Did you say Jared was gonna be at the coffee shop? Maybe if he's got there, Steve could bring something from Sophia - her cooking is better you know, healthwise." Chris turned his attention back to the road, missing Jason's shocked expression.

"Nah, we don’t need healthy tonight, after missing lunch I've got a craving for sticky rice and salt and pepper prawns. Plus, if you think Sophia's pizza and garlic bread is health food you seriously need to see a dietician!"

"You want me to stop on the way? Or shall we just call and get them to deliver?"

"We'll call, let Sleeping Beauty here have a few more minutes - he'll wake up, if we stop." Chris gave his full attention back to the traffic, leaving Jason and Jensen in peace on the back seat.

* * *

As they exited the elevator outside Chris and Jensen's apartment, all three were shocked to be greeted by a distraught Steve. "Oh you’re okay, thank god you’re okay! She said . . . and I couldn't. . . I had to come but . . . Fuck I'm so sorry, Jen, so sorry. I would have given anything for you not to have to find out like that!"

"Not now, Steve, please," Jensen's voice was pinched and he looked embarrassed, hoping Steve would understand that he hadn't said anything to Chris and Jason yet. He'd been humiliated enough for one day, having to admit his whole life was a joke was not something he was looking forward to. He was dreading having to tell Chris that Tom had been cheating on him and when it got down to explaining what had happened with the book and how he'd . . . fuck! He'd really done that hadn't he? Jensen shuddered remembering the email he'd sent to their clients saying they wouldn't be distributing the book. Fuck! How was he going to explain to Chris that everything they'd spent so far in ordering books and starting the promotions for it would be wasted? Like they had money to waste, shit! He was going to have to borrow money off his dad. He couldn't let the business suffer because of his stupidity, couldn't risk it affecting Chris.

"Jen, I'm sorry, we all know," Jason said quietly, "She admitted it all after you left."

"Inside. . ." Jensen choked the word out, humiliation threatening to drag him under.

"Okay, guys, let’s move this inside," Jason could see that his friends were all on the verge of falling apart, Chris looked shocked and pinched, black circles of exhaustion ringed his eyes, Steve seemed to be barely keeping from breaking down and Jen looked like he would have collapsed if he wasn’t already in the chair. Gently Jason took the keys from Chris's trembling hand and unlocked the door, He steered Jensen's wheelchair in first and called back to Steve, "Get in the kitchen and make a _big_ pot of coffee. Chris? Help me get Jen on the couch where he'll be more comfortable then find that takeout menu." He held up his hand to silence the protests that came from both men. "No! We all missed lunch, we can't think clearly any more. We _are_ going to eat and then we'll talk. Now this is all out in the open we can maybe work out how to move on."

Chris moved across to Jensen and worked swiftly to shift Jensen from his chair over to the couch without difficulty leaving Jason to move the chair out of the way, while Chris helped Jensen settle comfortably. Jason watched as the two of them moved with a familiarity borne of long practice. Chris propped the sprained ankle up on a cushion, before pulling a blanket from the back of the couch over Jensen, pausing for a moment to pull Jensen in for a hug without uttering a word. Jason heard the "Sorry" that Jensen muttered into his friend's neck.

Jason smiled softly to see his friends’ closeness, if there was one good thing that had come out of this whole mess it was how Chris had matured to be so sensible and caring. Picking the take-out menu from the notice board, he used his cell to call in an order. The board that he remembered as being an untidy mish mash of photos, silly jokes and newspaper cuttings was now full of help lists of emergency numbers and instructions to be given to the paramedics in case of emergency. Just another of the many changes the tragedy had wrought, this depersonalizing of the apartment, all the clutter gone to allow Jensen room to move his wheelchair, crutches and other medical paraphernalia piled in a corner of the room.

"You okay? You need some painkillers or did they give you some already?" Chris asked Jensen quietly.

"I'll be alright for now. In danger of falling asleep now, if I have any more it'll be a certainty. Chris . . ." Jensen grasped at Chris' wrist, "I never meant to worry you . . . I . . . I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking straight."

Jason watched as Chris struggled to frame an answer unsure as to whether he should join the conversation or not. He was saved by Steve coming out of the kitchen with a tray of steaming mugs which he placed on the coffee table. He had obviously used his time alone to try and pull himself together but was obviously still tired and strained.

"Time for coffee and to stop worrying about what's past," Chris reassured. He gently eased himself back from Jensen and reached for a cup to pass to Jensen, before taking a second and sitting on the floor beside Jensen, close enough that neither had to do more than shift slightly to be in contact.

Steve and Jason settled themselves in easy chairs and also took a drink. Jason drained his mug in grateful thirsty swallows and refilled it from the pot immediately. Steve just nursed his mug, gazing blankly out of the window.

"I - I guess you want to know . . ." Jensen started staring into the mug he was holding without making eye-contact with any of his friends.

"Please . . . let me," Steve begged, "I'm so sorry, forgive me? Sophia said I needed to . . . I left it too late . . . Jen . . ."

"It doesn't matter now," Jensen answered distractedly.

Chris frowned at them both, shifted position to rest his hand on Jensen's nearer arm before looking back at Steve and asking. "What exactly did you know? And _why_ exactly did you not say something or do something? What were you fucking thinking?"

"Chris, 's not his fault," Jensen muttered.

"He wasn't dead, okay!" Steve shouted, his voice breaking on a sob, "He was still alive when I got to him; he was thrown clear of the car because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt. There was so much blood, I thought . . . I thought he was dead but then he opened his eyes, he said he loved . . . oh fuck! He said they were going away together, he asked me to tell her he loved her!" Steve covered his face with his hands and fought to regain control. He was normally stoic and reserved, it was rare for even Sophia to see him let down his guard like this.

"Did you tell her?" Chris spat. Jensen closed his eyes, willing his friends not to argue, not to fall out over his failings. If he'd been the man Tom wanted, none of them would be in this position now. If he'd just avoided that car . . . seen it earlier . . . If only he'd let Tom drive . . . If only he'd stood up to Tom when Tom had demanded the book be published in his name only . . . If only Jensen had got it right, his friends wouldn't be in this mess.

“Of course I fucking didn't!" Steve retaliated, "I didn't even tell Sophia until this weekend."

"So you'll tell Sophia, but you won't tell us! You don't tell Jensen! Is that it?" Chris started to push himself up from the ground. " _You_ were supposed to be his friend," his finger jabbed in Jensen's direction. "No wonder you haven't fucking shown your face in the last year, you chickenshit . . ."

"Fuck you! When was the right time to tell him? When he was in hospital too badly hurt to go to Tom's funeral? Or when he came home and we tried to throw him a party and he locked himself in his room and made us all leave? Or maybe one of the times when he came to the cafe to hear us sing? Oh that’s right he hasn’t been to hear us sing! Nah, thought not, I was going to tell him, I just didn’t know how. So you tell me - you've been loving every minute playing his guard dog/nursemaid. You were the first to say he's too tired for visitors; he can't cope with anything else right now. If I'd told you, would you have told him? Cos you did a damn good job of making sure none of the rest of us got close enough to tell him anything!"

"You bastard! You don't know a fucking thing! You don't know what it's been like, you haven't been here . . . You haven't been here! You - you . . . where the fuck were you? Where the fuck _were_ you?" Chris raged.

Jensen pulled himself into a curl, tears falling from his eyes, but not a sound passed his lips.

"Will you cut the fucking crap! Jase and Sophia and I have tried so many ways in the first few months to help you but all you said was we're fine, he needs peace and quiet; we'll call you if we need you. Well, we believed you, but you never called! When you finally came back to sing again, you just kept smiling and saying we're doing fine! Don’t blame us for believing you."

Jason skirted round the two arguing men, he knew they needed to get it out in the open, lance all the boils before they could move on but only he seemed to be aware of the devastating effect it was having on Jensen. "Dude, it's okay, you know what these two are like, just let them yell for a bit, it's not about you, I swear," he murmured softly.

Jensen pulled the blanket closer, tried to balance the mug as he trembled with the emotional pain pent up inside, refusing to make eye-contact with Jason.

"Oh like you wanted to be round him! I saw the looks you gave him, the pity! You think that's what he needs. And you think there's something wrong with me coming back to sing? What? I should have given up the whole of my life to look after him. Is that what you think?

"No asshole - I think you should do a fuck sight more on your own! Every freaking gig we've been offered you've turned down. He's not a baby, you could have left him or Sophia would have come round or Jase. I think you’re getting off on this fucked up little codependency thing you’ve got going on!”

Jensen shuddered and shut his eyes unable to stop the silent sobs that wanted to escape. He bit his lip to keep the sound of his pain locked within, even as his body betrayed him and let the tears begin to flow. "Stop it!" the words were choked from between the tears, "Stop it."

"Co-dependency - fuck you! You condescending prick!" Chris stepped right up into Steve's face, his face livid with anger.

Jason looked at Jen with concern, "Guys, back off a bit, 'kay? Say what you need to say but just . . . . cool it down a little."

"No! This fucking bastard can get the fuck out of my apartment," Chris raged. "You small-minded piece of shit! Like you tried so hard to visit . . . you just fucking stood back and judged us . . . all the time with the 'you should be doing this', ' why aren't you doing that?' You think I care what you've got to say, asshole?" Chris curled his fists into Steve's shirt and pushed him.

"Of course you fucking care, we all care we're all as bad as each other, we should have pushed more _I_ know that, don’t you think I don’t care!"

"Stop it!" Jensen's voice was stronger, more desperate, but the smashing of his mug against the wall was enough to stun both arguing men into momentary silence as they turned to face him and Jensen just curled his arms round his stomach and stared into the distance as if he was alone. They all avoided each other's gaze all seemingly afraid to break the silence. Jason leapt to his feet in relief as a knock at the door announced the arrival of the take-out.

Chris watched as Jensen pulled his arms tighter and tighter against his stomach, curled further and further round on himself and with one last glare at Steve, he moved to Jensen's side, dropping quickly to release the pressure on Jensen's stomach, taking Jensen's hands in his own, "Jen, stop, please. I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry. Don't do this dude, please, don't." He gently laid a hand on the back of Jensen's neck and pulled him to rest his forehead on his shoulder.

"For Christ's sake don’t you learn anything? He's not a FUCKING baby! Tom had him so dependant he couldn't take a crap on his own and you've just encouraged him to transfer it to you." He lowered his voice, "I know you need each other but this? It's not healthy!"

"Shut the fuck up, you don't know shit!" Chris retorted, before turning his attention back to Jensen. "Jen, come on, you're fine, you're gonna be fine." He circled his free hand in reassuring circles on Jensen's back.

"I fucked it all up!" Jensen muttered. "He's right, I ruined it all. I should have known better, been better. I - I fucked it up with Tom." Jensen took a heaving breath. "I knew he cheated . . . It wasn't Dani, but I knew, he said it was over, said it wouldn't happen again if I made more effort. I thought I was making it right, I thought we were fixing it. I thought . . . I thought. . . I believed what he told me. . . I'm the stupid fuck, just like you both think."

"No Jensen, you're wrong," Steve warily approached the couch where Jensen was sitting with Chris, "You are so strong I swear; I have nothing but respect for you. Tom was fun, yeah, but he was just a spoilt overgrown school boy, you handled his moods, channeled his talent, set up your own business, even while he was doing his best to break you. This is not your fault, it's nobody's fault except Tom's. He was like some freak of nature hurricane and we're all picking up the pieces."

"It's not true," Jensen said quietly. “Tom was a selfish bastard. He manipulated people . . . me . . . he manipulated me, time and time again, made promises he had no intention of keeping, used me and all the time he was laughing at me, laughing and cheating and using me . . .” He looked down at his hands, his fingers twisting and shifting in the blanket over his knees, silent for a moment before he added, "and I let him do it."

"We all did," Jason said softly, "deep down we all knew what he was really like but he'd twinkle those big blue eyes and shrug his shoulders and distract us with some crazy new dream and we all forgave him - over and over again."

Jensen nodded briefly, an almost acceptance of Jason's words, before taking hold of Chris' wrist and looking square into Chris' eyes, "I let him nearly ruin us . . . financially . . . and it isn't over yet . . ." He dragged in a deep breath, bracing himself to admit what he'd done. "I . . . he wanted the book in his name only . . . I let him take my name off but he . . . he changed the royalties too and there's no money coming from the book for us. I think, I think it must be going to Jeff. . ." Jensen paused, trying to steady himself before he made the rest of his confession.

Chris started to speak, trying to reassure his friend but Jensen just shook his head and said, "No, please." He took another deep breath and plunged forward explaining how he'd cancelled all the promotion and wouldn't be providing the local stores with Tom's book or promotion and that they were going to have to surrender the money for pulling out of the deal with the publishing house.

“That's fine, whatever you need to do," Steve said. "It's time to start again for all of us, I've got savings I can put into the business if you need it."

"Don't wanna promote that fucker's book," Chris muttered. "Sounds like a good decision to me."

  
Jason nodded his agreement, “Yup, me too. Now you can focus on the stuff that you've always wanted to, there are other publishing houses that you work with, that one was Tom's choice. You're free now to make your own choices."

"What am I going to ever have to write about? It's not like I'm going to be making any more journeys, taking any more adventures for daring photographic opportunities. Yeah, everyone wants to know what things look like from down here!" Jensen said, the sneer of self-loathing clear to the others with him.

"Jen, the food is getting cold, there are a billion reasons why you know and we know that that's self-pitying bullshit, but can we please eat before we discuss them?" Jason squeezed Jen's shoulder as he passed him to get plates and cutlery from the kitchen. Chris gave directions to Jason to find all the needed items from the kitchen, nothing where it used to be, everything now packed tight into the lower cupboards so that Jensen could get them in and out.

Jensen shifted awkwardly on the couch, his cheeks flaming with embarrassment that yet another 'thing' was proving to his friends how much had changed, how yet another 'thing' was showing how he couldn't be who he used to be. He shifted until he could drop both feet to the floor, cautious as he did so to make sure they were both firmly planted before he tried anything else.

"Sit still," Chris growled soft but frustrated.

"No!" Jensen muttered back, "Shift your ass out of my way and pass the crutches."

"No! You're not going anywhere, just sit the fuck down and relax.”

"Chris, just . . . I dunno, quit being an ass and let me the fuck up, I need the john," Jensen shoved at Chris trying to move him away from the couch to allow him more room to get up and go to the bathroom. He eyed his missing cell phone, now sitting on the coffee table and wondering how discreetly he could pocket it and make his escape.

Steve rapidly crossed the room and snatched up the crutches, "Here ya go dude, you wanna hand up?"

"Don't be an idiot, Steve! He needs his wheelchair!" Chris glared at Steve furiously. "Just push it over here."

"Give him some credit to know what he needs!"

Jensen closed his eyes, too tired to keep Chris and Steve from fighting again. "Chris, I'll be fine, just let me have them. Please."

"Chris! I can't find the soy sauce!" Jason yelled from the kitchen.

"Go help, Jason," Jensen quietly, with a light push to Chris' shoulder. "You'll hear if I need you for anything. I'll be fine."

"Yeah, and you can really afford another trip or fall. Just sit still."

"Go!" Steve ordered, "I'll stick close, if he falls I'll make sure he has a nice soft landing!"  
As Chris started to object, and Steve persisted, Jensen used the distraction to slip the phone from the table into his pocket, before trying to getting to his feet. Steve reached out to grasp Jensen's arm and hauled him to his feet. Jensen took the crutches and slipped them under his arms, before awkwardly starting the trip to his bedroom for his ensuite bathroom.

As he reached the door, he turned stopping Steve from trailing in behind him, embarrassed by what he would see. The room was a testament to his injuries, no king-sized bed any longer, the room cluttered with the extreme signs of the seriousness of the impact of the accident, medical equipment, and specialized exercise equipment. Jensen knew his room looked more like a hospital room than a man's bedroom, somewhere he would ever bring someone home for . . . for anything . . . He had to accept that that part of his life was over and it wasn't the great ideal he'd dreamt of, it was just a rather bitter and sordid experience, thanks to Tom.

Sensing Jensen's discomfort Steve left him at the doorway, "Can you manage from here dude? Just holler if you need anything."

"Believe me, I don't need you listening in," Jensen tried for a cocky smirk, but had a feeling it had come out as more of a bitter grimace, either that or a glaring 'I'm hiding something I don't want you to know about' but he wasn't sure, just took advantage of Steve's halt to close the door firmly in his face, with a flare of guilt for rudeness that his mother would have chided him for if she'd seen it.

* * *

Jared snatched up his cell phone to answer it on the first ring. "Hey, Jen. How are you? Steve left here like a bat out of hell earlier to go round to your place and Jason still isn’t back yet!”

"Er . . . I . . ." It wasn't the reaction that Jensen had expected. "You know now?" he murmured, feeling embarrassment flare in his cheeks. He looked down at the floor as if Jared would know all that he was hiding. "Is everything okay there? I didn't really think about the coffee shop and Jason . . . sorry," he said quietly.

"Well that skank Dani was in here mouthing off over how she'd ripped you off over some book royalties, I kind of . . . threw her out. But we're cool here, me and Soph, she's sourced this new greek olive oil and it makes the garlic bread to die for!"

  
"Dani - Dani's got the royalties. . ." Jensen snapped his mouth shut before he could say anything else, a shudder of humiliation shaking him to the core as he pulled a pillow in towards his stomach and hugged it to him.

“So she said, dude, what a bitch! Anyway, it was so crap in the bookstore today, I didn't sell anything except Stephen King all day, I mean the dude’s got the creep factor but there has to be someone out there who'll buy books without bloodstained front covers!"

"I - I guess . . . Can - can I ask you something?"

Jared sensed the seriousness in Jensen's voice and was immediately alert, "Sure, anything."

"Why - why do you talk to me? Why do you listen to what I say? You don't know me, you - you don't know what I'm like really. I - I could be . . . I could be different from what you expect, who you expect!" Jensen fought to keep control of his voice, keep the question calm and not too introspective.

"Man, let me think. . . . Okay, well firstly I started talking to you because you listened to what I had to say, really listened and made me feel like I was worth taking the time to talk to. Then later I kept talking to you because you're always so steady and thoughtful, you've always got an interesting point to make and you make me think about things in new ways. I guess I keep talking to you now because you're under my skin, it doesn’t matter to me what you look like or anything; you're my closest friend, my dearest friend. You’re the first person I think about when I wake up and the last one I think about before I go to sleep. I really don't care if you've got three legs or no arms. You . . . you know that hot guy I was telling you about - I mean I could see he was hot but I don't have the connection with him I have with you, but anyway he's in a wheelchair? Didn't stop me thinking he was hot though."

"What if . . . you know it doesn't matter. . . I'm sorry. Are you okay at the bookstore? Is Sam . . . Are things okay with Sam?"

"Man! I've just bared soul to you and you say it doesn't matter?" Jared laughed softly. "Guess you've had a crappy day today, huh?"

"Sprained my ankle . . . that's all . . . the guys . . . the guys just you know, blew it out of proportion . . . that's all." Jensen wasn't sure whether to hope that Jared believed it or whether he'd push further, part of him wanted to talk, part of him was frightened that if he did he'd never know when to stop and another part was frightened that if he did, Jared would take all his hot guys in wheelchairs and run . . . run as far away as possible.

Jared sighed softly, "And they're all there, fussing and arguing and being overprotective huh?"

"Yeah . . . they don't listen to me . . . they don't get me anymore . . . things change," Jensen sounded resigned. "But not the things I want to change though."

"Aw, they really care that's all, if it’s any comfort to you they were just the same with Sophia when she hurt her hand. I wish I could be there with you instead of them though. I swear I wouldn't fuss. We could hang out and drink a couple of beers, I could bring one of my new computer games over, it would be cool, you know?”

"You ever wish you could turn the clock back and have things be different? Have your life take a different direction? Not be taken in, humiliated, used . . . One decision . . . is there one decision that you would change?" Jensen wanted to reach out, wanted Jared to be able to come round with a computer game even though he had no idea how to play them. "You don't sing? You play guitar?" He suddenly wanted a connection; something that he could do, something concrete that he was sure would make everything all right between them. He hadn't touched his guitar since . . . since before the accident . . . but even before that . . . Tom hadn't liked the way he was 'in touch' with Chris and Steve and Jason, he'd hated that connection and Jensen had virtually sacrificed playing altogether, never sure whether the others had realized just how extreme Tom's moods had got, how controlling. He'd missed that, the friendship that shared music could bring, Tom had never 'got' it, never understood that music for Jensen wasn't about a means to an end in terms of finding someone to fuck. It had never, even before Tom, been about that. It was always just the music.

"I don't. I've always wanted to though. My friend tried to teach me once but I guess I'm just too clumsy. I love it though, I love Friday nights here, listening to Chris and Steve, the way they get into the music like it’s part of them, it's amazing."

"They're good . . . They're good. Tom . . . don't say this, please, don't say this. . . Tom hated it . . . the playing . . . the music, connections . . . he wanted it to stop . . ." Jensen heaved a great breath at the confession, something he'd never admitted to anyone before. He paused briefly before changing tack, not really aware of having done it. "I can't play . . . I never have . . . computer games I mean. I wouldn't know what to do. . . I'm no good at that."

“Hey, tell you what, let's make a deal. You teach me to play the guitar and I'll teach you to use the games console, huh? You up for the challenge, reckon you've got a guitar big enough for my freaky hands not to mash?"

"I - I haven't . . . I don't play . . . not like . . . not like the others. Jay. . ." Jensen swallowed nervously, trying to keep himself under control. "You don't understand. . ." he paused. "I haven't played in - in - in a long time," he finished in a rush.

"Even better, I would never dare ask them to teach me, they're so good it’s scary."

"You - you'd really want me to?"

"I really do, I . . . you'd never get impatient with me or . . . I trust you."

"Trust . . . nobody trusts me any more . . . nobody thinks I get anything right. Nobody except you . . . Thank you. One day . . . one day you - you'll let me, let me teach you the guitar, yeah? One day, we'll do that."

"It’s a date, but you gotta let me teach you to use my x-box too! Aw crap! I gotta go, these people need coffee and Soph won’t touch the coffee machine, she says it doesn’t like her and scalds her on purpose!"

"Jay? Thank you . . . thank you for listening to _me_. It means a lot to me. Y - you mean a lot to me."

Jared grinned, “Anytime, seriously. You wanna call me later when they've left you in peace?"

"That be okay? Really?"

"More than okay, I'm counting on it. Don't let them get to you, Sophia says she just tunes them out and thinks of Hugh Jackman, you could try that."

"I - I could think of you . . . calling you I mean!" Jensen sounded shocked at his own words, embarrassed at how they could be perceived.

Jared chuckled, "Wow, I'm preferable to Hugh Jackman! That's got to be a first. You do that, I'll be waiting. Bye . . . for now."

Jensen opened the bedroom door and carefully negotiated his crutches through, pulling the door closed behind him. It was too late to get away with trying to hide away in his room. In fact returning to the lounge was the only sure fire way to keep Jason and Steve from seeing what his room had become, from dispelling the last of the illusions they carried that he was the man they thought they still knew. He relaxed slightly when he thought of Jared, of Jared's promise that he could call later and they'd talk and that Jared would be pleased if they did that. As he returned his eyes firmly fixed on where he was putting his crutches and his feet, he suddenly glanced up aware of three sets of eyes on him. He shrank back slightly with a muttered "Sorry." not sure of the current mood. It had been quiet, he hadn’t heard any more of Steve or Chris's ranting . . . He'd taken it as a good thing, assumed it meant they were getting on again, but now it just looked like they were waiting to work together on him. He dropped his eyes to the floor again and tried to make his way back to the couch.

"Hey man, we were just going to send out a search party!" Jason teased, "I saved you some paper prawns - you've never seen anything disappear so fast as when these two got going!"

Jensen regarded the open Chinese takeout containers warily, before trying to turn away and change the conversation to distract the others from the fact he really didn't want to eat right now.

As they ate they began to visibly relax, the tension between them dispelling. It had been a long and highly charged day and they'd all missed lunch in the upheaval. Jason deliberately settled himself in between Jensen and Chris because he felt they needed a break from each other right now. He noticed that Jensen was hardly eating but kept handing him little bits to try until Jensen too relaxed and began to eat, not as much as the others, granted but at least enough that Jason wasn't afraid Chris would start nagging which would in turn set Steve off again.

"I didn't mean to worry you . . . I wasn't . . . I didn't think, I just wanted to get out of there. I'm sorry," Jensen said quietly, not addressing anyone in particular as plates were set down. "I didn't think and I - I'd forgotten I didn't have my phone with me. I'm sorry."

"It's done now, we're all cool with it," Jason grinned cheerfully.

Jensen looked at him, a hint of both gratitude and disbelief in his own expression. His eyes flicked from Jason to Chris and back with a frown, before they dropped back to his lap.

Steve looked across at him, "Jensen, I'm really sorry man, and . . . God! You know it kills me to say this . . . Chris, I'm sorry too. I was feeling pretty het up and I've not been sleeping."

"'s okay. Wasn't your fault," Jensen sighed. "Dani wasn't the first time he cheated or . . . or the second or . . . He always - he always made out it was me and if I got it right it wouldn't have happened. Huh! Now you all know just how stupid I've been and how fucked up Tom and I were."

"I'm sorry you had to put up with crap like that and I'm really fucking sorry we've wasted another year grieving for the fucker," said Jason dryly, "but from here we start fresh, you're getting better, hell we just saw you walk, dude! Before you went back in last week it was as much as you could do to stand!"

"Well, he's not going to be dancing around again any time soon, he's fucked his ankle up now!" Chris grumbled.

Jensen sighed, "Chris, it's just a sprain. It's no big deal. It'll heal . . . it's probably the only thing I can be sure of is that it will heal."

Jason laughed at the sour look Chris returned him, "Jesus! You two are like the odd couple! Chris, take the night off, dude. Why don’t you and Steve go out and get drunk or get laid or something, hell, just go down to the Coffee bar and make sure the book club gang haven't eaten Jared alive!"

Chris gave Jason a disparaging look before staring across at Steve challengingly as if to see what he was going to say about the suggestion. Jensen growled, "Stop it, Chris! Don't be an ass. None of it was Steve's fault and him knowing changes nothing - Tom was the prick, no good blaming Steve for that."

"Go on, you know it will do you good, you could go rehearse for a bit, you haven’t worked together for ages. The regulars will love it if you do a proper set together tomorrow," Jason wheedled.

Chris started to speak, "What about . . ." but with a glare at Steve, he fell silent. His eyes flicked to Jensen piercing in their evaluation.

"Go, I'm fine," Jensen said quietly.

Jason nodded, "We'll be fine, I'll stay here till he goes to bed or you get back, whichever happens first," he teased.

"You know . . . Jensen and I . . . we're okay, we . . . we have a routine and everything," Chris explained. Jensen began to smirk but quickly turned his head so Chris wouldn't see, wondering what the comment would sound like to Jason, let alone Steve.

"Come on Mr. Mom, you need to get out. Coffee at Jase's so I can see my girl then we'll set up in the back room and jam for an hour. Come on, I've been working on a new song and I can't get the middle riff right," said Steve.


	12. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00012hfd/)

Jared left Steve and Chris practising with strict instructions not to touch the coffee machine and to make sure they locked up behind them. Sophia had promised she'd keep an eye on them and had teased Jared mercilessly about him leaving in a hurry to go on a secret date! He was still chuckling when his cell phone rang. Snatching it out of his pocket he flipped it open without looking at the display. "Jensen, hey!"

"Jensen? Wow! Like who's Jensen? And how come I don't know about Jensen?" chirped the voice on the other end of the call.

"Oh Sandy, honey! You would not believe how good it is to hear your voice."

"You're right, I wouldn't . . . after all . . ." she teased, "It's Jensen's voice you want to be listening to. Am I right? Or am I right?"

"Tell me again why I love you! I . . . I miss you guys so much, well not Chad obviously but you and Michael and the others."

"Not Chad!!! Not Chad! You do realize I'm going to tell him that, don't you? And you know he'll come straight up there to kick your ass. Now then honey, sweetie, sugar puff, darling . . . stop holding out on me. Who's Jensen?"

"Okay, okay! He's . . . he's . . . you know - I don't actually know who he is. Would you believe I've never met the guy?"

"Aw! Jared! I hate to say this but somehow yes, I would believe you've never met him. So how much of your heart have you given him? Baby, why do you do this to yourself?"

"I don't know, Sandy, why am I such a freak? I mean, God! I met him well, started talking to him through work and I just know he's special! Aw fuck! I sound like Meggie now, don’t I?"

"He's special? How special, Jared? What makes you think . . .? Honey, do I need to come up there and check on you? You've not been calling or texting, even Mayhem has noticed. He _called_ me to ask me if you were okay . . . Mayhem called me about you!"

"I wish you would, Sand. I'm feeling real lost again," he said quietly. Sandy was his one of his closest friends , they'd met on the first day of college and had hit it off at once,he'd been more upset about her moving away than any of his other friends. "Sandy, it was so hard without you guys but the job kept me busy for a while. Then it all started going to shit and this guy . . . this . . . Jensen was there, always on the phone to text or talk to. He seems to just know how to put things into perspective and help me get my head straight when I'm all over the place. We talk for hours. The only thing he won't do is meet me."

"Why? Sounds weird if you ask me!" she said bluntly.

"I . . . I really don't know. He isn't weird when you talk to him, just kinda quiet, I guess."

"Stalker? Agoraphobic? I dunno, Jared, your choice in guys . . . you don't always pick the good ones you know. Are you sure you should be confiding so much to this guy? Tell me something, _anything_ that makes you think his heart is in the right place, even if it's as a friend and not as a lover. Which would be kinda difficult anyway, if he won't meet you!" she finished.

"He's always got time for me, he's never too busy - you know if I need him. And he calls me sometimes and he sounds . . . desperate is wrong, it's too pathetic and needy and he's not like that; he's strong. But . . . sorry, for a wannabe writer I have a crap way with words. Um . . .genuine, that’s it, there's no falseness about him. If he's sad, or happy or understanding or patient, every nuance shines through his voice."

"For a wannabe writer, you're a romantic with idealistic twists on everyone you meet, sweetie! I know what you're like . . . how else did you end up with Chad as a best friend? Cos you had this vision of him being . . . God how did you describe him before you introduced him to us . . . and we never managed to get rid of him! This isn't gonna be another Mayhem - promise me he isn't another Mayhem because I so can't cope with another one . . . you know you can look on him and Mike with fondness now we're not all together anymore but some of us remember vividly the trouble those two caused! Look I'm worried about you and this guy, so I'm gonna try and organize a long weekend, it'll probably be the weekend after next, I doubt I can get there for next weekend. Can you hold on that long, sweetie? Don't you let that guy eat you up and spit you out before I'm there to kick his ass!"

"Well, I'm sure I'm safe with Jensen, it's not like we're going to meet anytime soon. I promised I'd stop pushing to meet him but . . . well, I can't say that you coming would be a bad thing. Maybe you can kick my ass into finding a new job 'cos this one is definitely not the gig I signed on for."

"Oh, honey, why's that? What's happened?"

“Well, I told you Jeff left, didn’t I? That I was doing his job - running the antiquarian department. Well, the dude's not coming back. He's found his inner child on a beach in Fiji or somewhere. Sam has closed the old stuff down, I had to pack my dream job into a load of cartons and load them on the back of a truck!"

"Aw! That sucks! So what are you doing then?"

"Selling books! And it's such crap too! We're too far from the campus to get any students in so it’s all Tom Clancy and true life and the occasional bodice ripper!"

"Aw! Honey!" Sandy laughed gently. "You're so prejudice when it comes to books, babe!"

"I just have my pride!”

Sandy giggled, "Pride! Gay pride - the right to love reading Jane Austen and swooning over the delectable Mr. Darcy . . . or are you on a Wuthering Heights week and wondering where your Heathcliff is?"

"Mr. Rochester actually," Jared confessed. "I reread Jane Eyre for an article I was writing and the tormented hero with a terrible secret seemed pretty apt actually."

"It did? Oh Jared," she sighed, "You think Jensen is your Mr. Rochester. . . hiding a crazy loon in his attic and you want to go chasing after him . . . Jared . . . oh I don't know what to say to you. I think I'm going to kick your ass for bringing this on yourself as well as this Jensen if he's messing you around. I should probably go, by the sounds of it I need to go do some kickboxing workouts ready for coming to see you! You make sure you take care and don't get yourself into any trouble before I get there."

* * *

Jensen took a sidelong look at Jason who was watching TV. He shifted his weight again on the couch and tried to get comfortable, biting his lip as he tried to work out how to get Jason to go home. He glanced across again, before yawning, long and loud. "Huh! Guess I'm kinda tired tonight, not really very good company. Sorry," he said.

Jason smiled at him fondly, "Dude, it's cool. I wasn't expecting you to be the life and soul of the party after the day you've had."

"You don't have to stay, you know. I mean, I'm sure you've got something more exciting you could be doing rather than babysitting me."

"Jen," he warned, "you know it's more than my life's worth to go when I promised Chris I'd stay! Anyway, maybe I'm enjoying chilling here in peace for a change instead of rushing around the coffee shop."

"Oh. Okay," Jensen knew he hadn't really kept the disappointment out of his voice.

"Look if you're tired, I'll go do the dishes while you get ready for bed, you can just yell when you’re ready and I'll take your word for it! Unless you want me to come in and give you a good night kiss!

"Will you stay if I do? I mean, will you stay here if I go to bed or will you go? Not the kiss thing! Definitely not the kiss thing!" he said with an expression of discomfort written clearly on his face.

"I'll go home if that's okay with you. Jared will have locked up but I told him to leave the cashing up - if I do it tonight it's one less job for the morning."

Jensen nodded, relieved. "I'll go and get ready now . . . if . . . if you're sure you don't mind. I just . . . I don't have much to talk about and . . . I'm sorry, Jason, I really fucked up today and . . . and it messed up your day as well as Chris' and Steve's. I never meant . . . I never meant. . ."

"Shut up, man. I haven't had this much fun in months! I love it when Steve and Chris get heated! And just . . . well, you know, hanging out together again, not quite like old times but you know what I mean. Like maybe we can get it back again."

"They never used to argue like that . . . Steve . . . Steve used to be . . . different."

"Yeah, I guess Steve has had more to deal with this year than any of us realized, but he misses Chris, misses the gigging. I don't think his heart is in it to do it alone."

Jensen sounded anxious as he asked, "Do you think he'll be okay?"

"I wasn't sure but after tonight I think he will be. They needed to slang it out and then go and play - I guarantee they'll get so lost in the music Chris won't be back till gone midnight but it'll do them both a power of good."

"I'm sorry Jase, I never wanted any of this to happen. I'm gonna go to bed now." Jensen shifted his feet to the floor and tried to push himself upright awkwardly. "I'll call when I'm done and you can go, yeah?"

"Jen, you think too much, that’s why despite all his faults, Tom was good for you, you didn't think too much when he was around, you let yourself feel and live and enjoy. Give yourself a break, man. You can enjoy yourself again and you will find someone who'll love you like you deserve to be loved."

"Whatever you say, Jason. You sure you've not been drinking?"

"Ha! Ha! Get to bed then and Jen, I'm putting the posters up tomorrow, you're obviously well enough to be back at work so you’re well enough to start your story circle again. I'm getting lonely, I need you to pull in the MILFs for me!"

Jensen looked startled, his expression filled with dread. "I - I can't, Jase, please."

"Yeah, you can, they’re pre-schoolers. I'll put you down for a Thursday morning when Jared isn't in; I can't cope with the thought of how he'd hype them up."

"No!" Jensen's voice was firm and he struggled to turn his back and maneuver round the furniture and away from Jason without looking back; tension clear in his shoulders and in the angle on which he held his head to avoid being able to be drawn back by Jason.

"Just think about it okay, tough guy! Go get some sleep."

Jensen made his way down the corridor to his room, closing the door behind him carefully and making his way across to the bathroom. It didn't take him long to get changed and into bed even being careful of his ankle. He'd put the painkillers on his bedside unit when he came in and he eyed them now thoughtfully as he fingered his phone. He settled himself as comfortably as possible before opening the phone, then closing it again. He felt stupid calling Jason from here to say he was fine but . . . it had to be done. "Jason! I'm good, you can go now," he called.

"Sleep tight then Princess, hope the bedbugs don't bite! I'll bring you a panini for lunch tomorrow - bacon and brie, do you?

"Don't forget the cranberry!" Jensen called back and then after a momentary pause, "Jase, you know . . . thanks . . . thanks for everything."

"Night buddy!"

Jensen sat quietly listening to Jason leave the apartment, closing the door behind him and locking the door. He let out a sigh of relief, then looked down at his phone again. He passed it back and forth from one hand to the other a few times before flicking it open and pressing call to redial the last number knowing it would dial Jared's cell. He held his breath while he waited to see if Jared would answer.

* * *

"Hello, this is Jared's phone; please hold while I insert my foot in my mouth now to save time later on!”

"Jared? It's - uhm - it's Jensen."

"I hoped it would be, I upset my best friend earlier by thinking she was you and no one else calls me on this number."

"You thought a girl was me?" Jensen sounded somewhat put out.

"No, see this is what I mean by having my foot in my mouth the whole time. I didn’t check to see who was calling and I guess I was really hoping she was you, I mean it was you, I mean . . . you know what I mean.”

Jensen still felt unsure, "I just thought we could, you know, maybe chat for a bit . . . if - if that's okay? If you're not too busy."

"Jen, you promised you'd call, I've been looking forward to it all evening, there is nothing in this world I’d rather be doing than talking to you so no, I'm not too busy.”

"Cool, that's cool then." Jensen nodded to himself, Jared's words reassuring him. "So, uh, how was the coffee shop? Did Chris and Steve cause any trouble? They were, uh, a bit, um, a bit . . . I don't know, argumentative earlier?"

"Hardly spoke to them. Man they were . . . I mean I've seen them play together before but this was different, I mean they were really awesome, just lost in it, they didn’t notice me go!"

"That's good, it is really." Jensen breathed deeply in relief. "So how's your best friend?"

"She's awesome, coming to visit in a couple of weeks,"

"That's good . . . you and she? But you said you were . . . maybe I got it wrong. I should just shut up now," Jensen trailed off.

"Nah, it's cool, she's engaged and everything - really grown up! Her fiancé says she's my token fag hag!"

"So you are . . . not that it's any of my business . . . sorry."

"Well, I guess, technically anyway. I haven't ever really had a proper relationship," Jared admitted. "I mean there were a couple of college things but it never worked out."

"You'll . . . you'll find someone, you're a good guy. The others all tell me you've got a great sense of humor and that you're pretty good-looking; not that they're experts on looking at guys or anything but. . ." Jensen bit his lip to stop himself saying the wrong thing. Everything he told Jared had to be the truth and much as he'd like to think that Jared could be interested in him, he knew it would never happen.

“I kind of . . . well, looks don't really matter to me, honestly they don't. It's more . . . well, I get on with everyone on the surface but not many people actually know me, that's what means more to me than anything."

"The friends you had at college . . . they were special? It's why you miss them so much. You have anyone else?" Jensen knew he was prying, he didn't really have the right to press Jared for this information but part of him just wanted to know Jared inside and out.

"Not really, no one close. They all moved away when college was done. I have a little sister who's pretty cute as far as sisters go, I call her quite often but she's just a kid really."

"Yeah." There was something more to the word than a simple agreement with what Jared had said, something that Jensen wasn't elaborating on.

"I have an older brother too but . . . well, I'm not so close to him. We talk if we're at home at the same time but that's all. He doesn't like that I'm gay, thinks it reflects on his masculinity or something."

"He knows nothing," Jensen murmured quietly.

"I . . . I guess."

"You don't need to listen to bullshit like that. Just believe in yourself."

"I know . . . it's just hard sometimes, he's my big brother, I've always looked up to him, tried to impress him. I want him to be proud of me."

"I get what you're saying," Jensen sighed. "Sometimes if you give them time, they'll come round but . . . if not, so long as you're doing what’s right, and in your heart you know it's right then . . . then you should look for friends to support you rather than listening to prejudiced crap.”

"Have you had to . . . I mean sorry, tell me to shut up if I get too personal. Have you had to deal with much prejudice?"

"A little I guess, but not so much. My brother was kind of odd for a while, not awful, just awkward like I dunno, maybe he thought he was gonna catch it, but . . . he got over that pretty quickly. The friends who couldn't deal, well, I didn't need them, . . . I made myself not need them and now . . . I guess most people know already so . . . "

"Yeah, it’s been cool since I moved up here, but small town Texas was pretty hard. I didn’t realize coming out was a big deal until I started getting hassle for it."

"We moved up here . . . I guess I was never really - I didn't _really_ know until I got up here. We moved before I’d really thought about it." Jensen rubbed his hand nervously over his face. "I - Steve stuck around after, said it made no difference, I was still me. It helped you know, having someone who's got your back. I mean he's not like that, it's not his thing, never has been but he just shrugged and said, 'Fuck 'em, let's get a drink.’ It was kinda difficult for a while, my - er my roommate wasn't so understanding. I had to move . . ."

“I guess that was really tough. In high school I got plenty of crap but Sandy always stood by me, and I'm kinda tall so they didn’t do more than talk really."

"In the end, it was okay. I got the - the best friends a guy could hope for, gay or straight, I mean they're all straight you know, but . . . but it never mattered between us."

"No, same with my lot. I guess we were the misfits, but it didn't matter because we fit just right with each other."

"I was lucky, the others they were cool you know . . . well, you know them so you can see it . . . Chris and Steve were older anyway but you know him and Chris, well the girls were queuing up! They were these cool arty types, confident, good looking and they were gigging in these really cool bars and stuff." Jensen's voice was soft with affection, "Then there was me and Jason I guess and they kinda took us under their wings and showed us how to keep it under control."

"I don’t know the others so well but Jase is awesome, he's been really good to me, so has Sophia, she’s a laugh to work with but kind of . . . solid, you know she'd come through for you."

"She . . . I don't know her so well. She hadn't been going out with Steve for that long before . . . before. . ." Jensen's voice choked suddenly. He shut his eyes, trying desperately not to fall into a panic.

"I don't know, I swear they don't talk about you but I figure something pretty terrible happened to you all. You could talk to me if it’d help," Jared offered softly.

Jensen fidgeted, shifting one leg in an attempt to relieve the pressure, a slight grunt the only sign of discomfort evident to Jared. When he settled again, he spoke quietly, "Would you want to listen? You might start me talking and I might never stop." He tried to make light, not sure whether he was ready for the truth, not sure he'd thought through what he _could_ say.

Jared sighed softly, "I could honestly, truly listen to you talk all night, I love hearing everything you have to say. If my listening helps you in some way then I won't feel quite so much like I'm taking advantage of you or wasting your time."

"You don't waste my time . . . you've never wasted my time." Jensen drew a breath wondering where to begin. "Something happened a while ago and it changed so many things, it changed me and I couldn't be who I was before . . . I can't be that person but I just feel like I let everyone down with what I've become. I - I know that I can't be that person I used to be and I'm just lost and - and I'm sorry . . . I shouldn't - I shouldn't have said. . ."

"Yeah," Jared's voice was little more than a breath, soft with acceptance and understanding. "I can’t judge you against what you were but I like who you are just fine."

"Jason - Jason has asked me to do something for him. It's the first thing, _real_ thing he's asked me for since . . . I said no. I used to do it for him all the time but the thought of it . . . I - I don't go out so much, can't go out so much. I used to go out, I used to be able to do things to help my friends and now . . . I'm just a selfish bastard."

"You're not; if you were selfish it wouldn't be worrying you now. I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for though and I know Jason, he wouldn't ask anything of you if he wasn't completely sure you were able to do it."

"What - what if I get there and I can't do it? What if people talk? They'll see, they'll know." Jensen drew a ragged breath trying to calm himself, trying to stay in control, the internal mantra of ‘it's only Jared and it's okay’, repeating over and over.

"It's cool Jensen, just don't worry. If you get to the Coffee shop and it’s too much you just say sorry, not ready yet and go home . But I think you might surprise yourself. All your friends just want to support you, you know. I like them all so much, well, apart from Dani I'm afraid, she was always a snotty bitch when I called you at work and the way she was today . . . ugh!"

"Dani! She's not a friend. She was sleeping with my - my ex."

“Oh God! Sorry, I just assumed that she was . . . well, you know, 'cos she worked for you and all."

"I didn't know . . . I didn't know at all, then. . . I only found - found out today," Jensen's voice was quiet, slightly hesitant but he was surprised how easy it was to tell Jared the truth, how sure he was that in this alone Dani and Tom were at fault, not him. Internally, he found himself still considering that he might be at fault for making Tom seek someone else, but he knew it was Tom's choice to keep it secret, Tom's choice to cheat and steal and lie not his and that Dani enjoyed that, probably more than she even liked Tom. He was an idiot for not seeing it, but his fault ended with that. The rest was all on Tom and Dani. He sighed and added a quiet thank you although he was sure Jared wouldn't know what it was for.

"That is just . . . well, it's harsh, man. I'm sorry."

"It's over. Chris has been telling me for almost a year that I should lay him to rest, find closure and I couldn't. I still don't know if I can forgive myself for what happened that night, but . . . I never wanted him to be dead. I don't want him dead but I don't want him back, not any more." Jensen felt stronger with every confession, every truth.

"Oh Jen, that's just human, you're so patient and forgiving with me but you expect so much of yourself. Was he . . . I mean was it a shock that he cheated on you or . . . did he . . . did you suspect before?"

Jensen rubbed his knee nervously, not sure whether he wanted to answer the question, "I didn't know about Dani but . . ." He took a breath before continuing, thinking there wasn't much that could disgust Jared more than what he was about to confess, apart from finding out he couldn’t even walk properly. "She wasn't the first," he whispered, too caught up to stop without admitting the truth, whatever it did to this budding friendship.

"Oh Jensen, you are so strong, to be able to forgive him and give him another chance . . . you must have loved him so much."

"Not strong. . . I'm not strong . . . just stupid and gullible, that's all. He took me for a fool, took everything and it's only now that I realize how fucking stupid I've been all this time."

"Jensen, no." Jared said stubbornly, "Too trusting, too loving, too forgiving maybe, but not stupid. You are so warm and so genuine you just wanted to see the good in him, that he abused that and threw it back at you makes me sick."

"There are times I wish I'd never met him . . . Wish I was who I was before I knew him, before . . . but hell now I have to live with the knowledge that he fucked me over, left me up to my fucking ears in debts, that he cheated on me and was going to leave me for some bitch, and that every day, I have to live with my part in his death and that I can't fix it. I don't want him back, I'm glad I never have to see him again but I can't put it behind me," Jensen found tears were welling in his eyes, as he admitted what was in his heart, "I can't put it behind me, I can't finish it because he's dead and so I'm guilty now, not him," he finished on an unexpected sob.

"I don’t like to think of you crying there alone, I wish I was with you. I'd hold you make you feel safe. It's important to feel safe. When I was a kid I had this virus, I was paralyzed for six weeks, just woke up like it one morning, six weeks of being in hospital, being washed and dressed and turned and fed, other people touching me all the time without anyone ever touching _me_. I ached for someone to just hold me for comfort, I guess I've been alone too long but I've been thinking about that a lot lately.”

"Nobody can touch me, not ever, never again," Jensen tried to stop the tears. "I have to be alone."

"No, no, you are so wrong. No one has to be alone; I believe that more than anything. Maybe you need to be alone for a little while, while you rest and recover and find yourself again after his betrayals. I know it, you will find someone who is worthy of you and maybe, so will I," he finished almost inaudibly.

"You don't understand . . . it's not about his betrayal. If - if I had stopped sooner, if – . . . he'd still be alive, Jeff would still have a brother, his mother would still have her youngest son . . . hell, Dani would still have her _boyfriend_." The last word was said with a sneer tangled in with the desperate hurt.

“But it didn't and I'm glad, you couldn’t have changed anything except yourself and harder isn't necessarily better .”

"I ruined all those people's lives, and with it my friends' lives. Chris, Steve and Jason, it ruined it for them too. They've all had to change . . . Chris is . . . he's so different now. I-I'm sorry, I shouldn’t be . . . you shouldn't have to listen to all of this. I'm sorry, Jared, I'm sorry. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything."

"But it's still not your fault, something terrible happened and Tom died and it’s sad and awful and everyone has to deal with it in their own way but it's not your fault. Yeah, it was tough, really tough. You've been so strong, so brave. All these weeks we've been talking you've never bitched or moaned about it. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you right now."

"I just - I just don't know how to fix it all now, how to put it right, you know? I don't know how things are supposed to be any more," Jensen sounded bemused, rather than upset, genuinely confused at which direction he should be taking his life.

"No," Jared agreed, "It's like you've had this massive life change but you've been in limbo for so long it's hard to go back. But maybe you can start to try, just come down to Jase's for lunch or to hear the boys sing, just try, please?"

"It's so busy, there's so many people - they all know, it's like they'll expect - expect the person I used to be. I can't be him anymore, I don't know how . . . maybe soon, not yet, but soon. Please give me a little more time. Can you give me a little more time, Jay please? Will you wait for me?"

"All the time you need, Jen, but look. I'm not going to be there Thursday and I know Angie's place is closed for the new heating to be fitted. It'll be really quiet. If you wanted an easy day for your first visit it would be a good time."

"I'd need to talk to Chris . . . Work, you know? I have to be there and he fired Dani so we have more to do and I - I did some stuff that I need to work out, because of well, everything. I've got to figure out where we go from here and what it'll mean to the business."

"So you've got a plan then. A balance of work and downtime with your friends. And uh, if you need a temp to replace Dani or do stuff my friend Sandy is coming up in a few days . She's really efficient and I'm sure she'd be happy to help; I could do with someone keeping her busy while I'm at work. If she's bored she might redecorate my apartment pink or something!"

"Jared," Jensen's voice was quiet but steady, "Thank you. You're a good person, such a good person, a good friend."

"Yeah, I'm awesome! But you're pretty amazing too."

"I should go, but we'll talk again soon, right? I need to take some pills, painkillers for my ankle and they'll send me to sleep. I'm kinda tired, but talking with you was . . . good. I'd like to talk again soon," he admitted quietly.

"I hate thinking of you in pain. I wish I could take some of it away for you. I wish I could make things easier for you,"

"It's just a sprain, it's nothing really. I've had worse believe me and next time I'll remember to be more careful about where I'm putting my feet. Goodnight Jay, sleep well," Jensen said gently, hesitating, still holding the phone and not hanging up in case Jared said anything in reply.

"Goodnight, Jen. I'll call you tomorrow, okay? I mean, I know I can come on pretty strong sometimes, I've scared off more than one guy by being too much. Sandy says I wear my heart on my sleeve but . . . I don’t like to hide stuff, it makes me feel grubby, like I'm lying. I want to be honest with you."

"So tell me to shut up when I'm rambling and am on a self indulgent whine. Tell me I'm being an asshole and that I should be grateful for what I've got!"

Jared chuckled, "Nah, everyone's entitled to an unload sometimes. You're cool, man."

"Until tomorrow, yeah? You're going to call me tomorrow, aren't you?" Jensen knew that yet again his voice held clear hints of wanting Jared to fix things.

"Well I'll add you on my to-do list and see if I can fit you into my extensive social life! I might have a window between . . . Oh breakfast till bedtime is free!”

"Aw! That bad! You should arrange that writing that you were going to send me . . ."

"Oh I did that, shall I e-mail it to you? Are you sure? You said you're so busy an' all!"

"I can do it. I can do it for you, you know, in the evening or whatever."

"Man, you're good to me! I don't know why you give me so much of your time."

"Because I - I want to get to know you, and this is something I can do for you. I don't have much to offer but I know people in the industry you know so I could put you in touch. I'll speak to you tomorrow, Jay. G'night."

"Night Jen, sleep well."

Jensen closed his cell phone, reaching for the pills beside the bed as he considered all that they'd talked about. It was time to get his life back on track. Jared and Jason both thought he should start with the coffee shop, maybe it was the best idea. Maybe the story circle would be a good idea, a few moms, a few small kids in a quiet time, a short quiet time. With the pills swallowed, he opened his phone again and began to type. "Time and Day for story time? Keep group small and will come. Jen"


	13. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

  
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](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00012hfd/)

Jensen was up early and was ready to head for work before Chris had even emerged from his room. He sat in the lounge, fiddling at a loose thread on the nearest cushion, wondering how to convince the bank manager to lend him money so he could fix everything with the expenses already paid out for promoting Tom's book, money he couldn't easily recoup. He wondered whether he was going to need to call a lawyer, whether the publishers were going to be difficult about them having pulled out so late. How was he going to keep this all under control, under the radar? He lifted his finger to his mouth and began to gnaw on the edge of his fingernail.

He heard movement from Chris' room and decided that he could soften the blow of imminent criminal charges for defaulting on contracts by telling Chris that he'd agreed to do the story circle at the coffee shop; knowing Chris' mindset, that would probably far outweigh any bad news he might deliver.

Chris emerged from his room, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Despite his rumpled appearance he looked more relaxed and rested than he had in a long time. "Jesus, what a night! Man, that new song is going to make our fortunes!"

"Yours or just Steve's?" Jensen asked. If Chris had some money, he could invest it and then Jensen could pay him back later.

"Both, he had this righteous tune and we were working out the riffs together and the lyrics just flowed. Man it was awesome. I'm . . . I'm going to start gigging with him again, just a couple of nights a week, do you mind? I can cancel it if you don’t want to be on your own . . . or maybe Jase could come over or . . . "

"No - no that's cool. Just don't take my phone off me, huh?" Jensen smiled affectionately.

Chris grinned back ruefully, "Man, what a dick! I wasn't thinking, I am _so_ sorry. Did you make up for it by chatting to lover boy last night instead?"

Jensen flushed beet red with embarrassment, before saying, "We talked for a little while."

"Good, I'm glad you've got a friend. He's a really good kid, Jen. Jase thinks a lot of him."

"Chris, Jason and I talked for a bit last night and he wants me to," Jensen closed his eyes as he spoke, not wanting to see a look of disbelief or of humor on Chris' face, "go down and do story time for the pre-schoolers."

"Oh, well, I guess it'll take time . . ."

"I said I'd do it this week, if it was okay with you and so long as it's a quiet time in the coffee shop and for us. He promised he'd keep the group small."

"Man, that's . . . that's great. I'm glad you feel like you're ready. I was afraid yesterday would have made you want to hide again."

"We - we need to talk about some stuff, properly, company stuff," Jensen admitted.

Chris sighed, "Yeah, we kinda do. There's some stuff I need to tell you."

"Now? Get it over with?" Jensen suggested.

“Let me grab a coffee first - I didn’t get in till two!" D'you want one?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Chris busied himself in the kitchen for a few minutes, not exactly sure how his friend would take the news of his father's involvement in the company. Finally he couldn't put it off any longer and carried the mugs through to Jensen in the sitting room.

"So who's gonna start then?" Jensen asked after a sip of his coffee, squinting slightly as he almost burnt his tongue on the searing liquid.

"I'll go first, just promise not to throw coffee at me, 'kay?" He took a deep breath, "Jen, when you were in hospital your Dad came to see me. He didn't want me worrying about the business and you. He bought into the company, a twenty percent share which he entailed so it will have to come back to you if anything happens to him. I know you hate being indebted to anyone but it meant I could pay off the loans and gave us a cushion to cover Dani's wages and stuff."

Jensen looked down, "He knew I'd fuck it all up. He told me we should just work for him, when we started the company, told me I didn't have enough business acumen to run a successful company and that you could only carry me so far." He sighed, "Looks like he was right. I was going to make an appointment this morning with the bank manager. With the money I've wasted on getting the deal to promote and distribute Tom's book, I've got fuck all left."

"No, you haven't got to do that, it's okay. I checked the contracts and Tom had never signed them, he'd never asked us officially to distribute, he'd just assumed that you'd do it. I found them last week for you but just figured we'd do it anyway but we're off the hook, Jen!”

"You're sure? They're not just preliminary copies or something?" It was too good to be true, Jensen couldn't believe he could be off the hook that easily.

"No, I swear man, they're in the pile of stuff to go to our attorney because I thought we'd have to get Tom's estate to sign instead so we'd get our share, but this way we can just kiss it off!”

"Fuck! I . . . God that's a relief! That's one thing less to worry about!" He let out a slow breath, trying to psych himself up for the other confession. "You saw that the book only had his name on the cover . . ." Jensen swallowed and paused waiting for an acknowledgement from Chris. "He threatened to leave me if I didn't agree to it, so I did, but he used it to change the terms of the contract as well. The contract states that he wrote the book alone and all the photos are his! I didn't know, I swear Chris, if I'd known I would never have let us end up like this because of my stupidity. If he wrote the book alone, then we have no income from the royalties. We've got no money coming from the book sales and with Dani, the accounts won't be looking great."

"Jen, I never thought you'd hear this from me but . . . you need to get some perspective! It's just one book, we have another seven to deal with in the next three months and more on the way. If one book was going to make or break us we'd deserve to go out of business but we won't - we're good at what we do! Yeah, it's a pain Dani leaving like that but we'll manage, I swear I'm glad we're not tied to him any more; we can look for new talent now. I've stuck to nurturing our existing authors but now you're back on board we can start putting out feelers. Please, stop worrying!"

"We won't get the royalties from my half of the book . . ." Jensen left it to hang, waiting for Chris to realize just how much Tom had fucked him over. Chris knew, if he thought about it, that Jensen had been the brains and work ethic behind the completion of the book. Without him, Tom wouldn't have had even half a book to put his name on at all.

"Those are your royalties, not the business’. You want to sue his estate for your share then I'll back you all the way but it won't affect work."

"I don't have a dime, Chris. I couldn't afford to sue the estate even if I could prove I'd written the whole fucking thing on my own. There hasn't been enough insurance to pay for half the stuff I've had to get," he gestured dejectedly at his legs and the wheelchair sitting a few feet away. “And I can't prove a thing, Tom's made sure of that!"

"So fuck him! We won't waste any more energy on it; we'll use it as an opportunity to move on."

"You're not pissed at me?" Jensen asked, his voice almost incredulous.

"Never! I have never been pissed at you. I was the one who fired Dani! We'll manage, I'm sure we could find someone to fill in for a bit while we figure everything out."

"You know _I_ think I was a stupid fuck to believe him, to let him talk me into it. I wouldn't blame you if you thought that same," Jensen stated bluntly.

"He fooled us all, Jen. Not just you. If we'd thought for one moment that he was hurting you like that, cheating on you, everything . . . You loved him, Jen and love is blind, but we shouldn't have been, we should have noticed. It's me that needs to be forgiven, you did nothing wrong but love the wrong person."

"I've got to start getting my life back together again," Jensen said simply. "I've got to face up to the fact that that might be permanent," he added with a disgusted look at his wheelchair, "I've got to stop hiding but Chris, I need your help . . . I don't think I can do this on my own."

"You're not on your own, Jen. Not ever but . . . . you ever breathe a word of this and I may have to kill you . . . Steve was right. I do fuss you too much; I've been so scared of losing you I've made you worse, made you . . . well, all the stuff he said last night. So I will help you Jen, of course I will, but I'll try to not bug you about stuff so much any more."

"You told me I needed to do circuits of the park. Will you come with me, please? And I know I've said to Jase that I'll do the story circle but - will you come to that too? I know we'll have to shut up the office for an hour, but I just . . . facing all those people . . . their questions, the things they might say. My stomach is turning just thinking about it! I'm not gonna just give up and not do it, but please . . ."

"Anything, I swear. A bit at a time is all. And I’m sorry I flipped out about you using your crutches last night, you were really steady on them considering your ankle and everything. Don’t let my fussing hold you back."

"Chris, you have noticed I'm sure that I ignore half of what you tell me to do normally, regardless of your fussing, shouting, throwing insults or cushions or just plain old temper tantrums. I know I treat you bad but I trust that you'll forgive me and that you know that I believe you're doing the best you can for me!" Jensen smiled.

* * *

Chris hadn't taken long to get ready and both men were in the office by nine. Jensen headed straight for the stockroom while Chris went into the office to print out any outstanding orders. Jensen had worked his way through the majority of the orders that Dani had left unfinished the previous day before Chris appeared at the door.

"Are there many more orders there?" Jensen asked nodding at the sheaf of papers in Chris' hand. "I'm almost through here, although God knows what she was doing to not get them finished earlier. You know I think we get more done without her here than with . . . I guess I just have to stop getting myself admitted to hospital so often."

"Well, I guess she must have spent even more time on the phone than you do!" Chris quipped.

"It feels better not having her here," Jensen admitted quietly.

"Yeah," Chris agreed, "I mean, she never did anything wrong exactly . . . . Just, she made me feel uneasy sometimes, like she was laughing at me or something."

"So those orders . . ." Jensen nodded in the direction of the papers in Chris' hand again, "For me? Or are you going to do them?"

"Well, if you don't mind doing them I've got a couple more calls to make. There's a new publishing house opening upstate and my friend Milo has something to do with it. I was going to try and get my foot in the door early and see what other distributors they've got lined up."

"Sounds good," Jensen reached for the papers awkwardly balancing on one crutch. "I better get started then."

"Don't overdo it on them, 'kay?” Chris pointed at the crutches with an expression of concern clear on his face. “I'll go down to Jase's and grab us some food as soon as I've finished."

"Call him! Call him first and find out . . ." Jensen suddenly blurted out before snapping his mouth shut and turning away again.

"What? Jen, what’s wrong?"

Jensen dropped into the chair trying to relax. His head dropped forward, hiding his eyes from making contact with Chris’.

"Come on, dude. Honesty and moving on. You got a problem with Jase? Tell me."

"If - if it's quiet we should go there for lunch.” Jensen clenched his fingers into a nervous fist, waiting for Chris' reaction.

Chris smiled faintly, suppressing the whoop of joy he wanted to let out. "Sure, man. Why not? Your boyfriend won't be there though, he doesn't come in ‘til late on Fridays."

"It's not about Jared," Jensen murmured.

"I know, dude. I'm just teasing. So half an hour, then lunch together, 'kay?"

Jensen nodded still trying to hold it together and not give into the panic roiling inside him.

"Good, that’s settled then. I'll phone our order in and if you don’t want to stay we can just say hi and pick it up. Is that cool with you?"

Jensen nodded, clearly reluctant but he made no attempt to change the plan. Jensen started to rise from his seat. Chris stopped him, instead drawing conclusions as he watched Jensen. "We don't have to if you're not ready yet," he smiled.

"No you're right - but - there's just Jase there right and normal customers. This isn't like going to be loads of people or anything is it?" Jensen's voice quavered but his face remained set, determined.

"That's right," Chris reassured, "No clubs, no parties, not even the crazy women from that typing pool this week because the new air con is being installed in their office. Today is as quiet as it’s ever going to be."

Jensen moved steadily over to his wheelchair. He didn't speak until he was settling himself comfortably into the seat. "Come on then, I guess I have to get this over with."

Just at that moment, Jensen's phone rang. "Yo dude! You working hard today?"

"Hey, Jason. We were just talking about you," Jensen said with a smile and an eye roll at Chris who was watching him with interest.

"Guess that's why my ears were burnin'."

"Guess so. You needed something?"

"Yeah, no, not really. Just calling to see how your ankle is today. And Sophia says to tell you she's made some apple and cinnamon muffins that are to die for if you want one in your lunch."

"Sounds tempting. . . Put one on one side for me." Chris smirked as Jensen didn't say they were both going to head down to the coffee shop.

“’kay, well as long as you're feeling okay. I thought I might pop over and say hi, about three when Jared comes in. Would that be alright?"

"Jared gets to you at three?" Jensen's eyes widened suddenly fearful, he wasn't ready for that. He chewed his lip worriedly, eyes flitting anxiously to Chris. "He doesn't come in earlier?"

"Nah, sometimes even later - Sam's really on his case at the moment."

"Yeah then, yeah you can come by after three, that'd be okay," the tension visibly dropped away.

"Great . . . aw fuck! Sorry, the coffee machine's playing up again, Got to go, bye!”

"Catch you later." Jensen flicked his phone closed and smirked at Chris, "You ready, old man?" He gave a swift push to the wheels of his chair and set off towards the door.

“So you’re welching out of the deal then? I thought you were going to do these orders for me first?" Chris grinned. "'S okay, they can wait, I'm suddenly starving for Sophia's muffins!"

Jensen faltered, the smirk dropping away. "Can we go now? Just - just get it over with? Sorry."

"That's what I figured, man. Come on then. I can't wait to see the look on Jason's face!" Jensen relaxed again, but was relieved when Chris moved closer and began to push his wheelchair without stopping talking. Jensen would accept anything that would distract his attention from the lurking fears for the next quarter of an hour or so. He hoped that after that the fear would have dispersed.

Chris pushed open the door to the coffee shop and held it open for Jensen to maneuver through. Jensen pushed himself over to a table fairly close to the door and paused while Chris lifted away one of the chairs so that Jensen could get closer to the table, before sitting alongside. Neither of them spoke or moved to the counter, waiting instead for Jason to finally come to the table to take their order.

Jason gave the coffee machine a hefty thump and it sputtered into life, "Baby, if you didn't make the best goddammed coffee in town your ass would be in a dumpster right now," he muttered affectionately.

Jensen's fingers drummed nervously against the table, the tension creeping back into his shoulders and the lines on his face.

"Jason, man!" Sophia yelled through the serving hatch, "Will you quit it with the sweet nothings at that pain in the rear machine and serve your customers?!" Jason straightened up with a grin which lit up his whole face as he realized who his customers were.

Jensen didn’t stay long, just as long as it took for them to wait for their food order and drink a quick coffee but it was a start. Chris smiled his approval as his friend struggled to make the effort at conversation while they waited. Brief though their visit was, at least it was a positive experience and as they left Jensen was already promising to return and making arrangements for the book group.

* * *

Chris was out with Steve, arranging gigs, practising, whatever; Jensen was relieved. The day had been exhausting; he couldn't believe how tired he got worrying about going to Jason's. Still he'd managed it, it had been bearable and now he was home alone in the quiet trying to decide whether to go to bed.

Before Chris had gone, Jensen had had to run down the list of who he could contact and which speed dial number they were on. It wasn't like Chris had never gone out and left him before, but . . . he'd never really been more than twenty minutes away, either at the office, the superstore or Jason's, unless his mom had come round. A brief wave of guilt ran through him at the thought of all the sacrifices Chris had made, but he clamped down on it firmly, knowing Chris wouldn't want him to feel guilty and that really the best he could do now was to get better for Chris' sake, to let Chris know how much he had achieved because of the support, to make sure Chris knew how worth it it had been.

Jensen gave up on sitting on the couch, figuring he was tired enough that maybe this was the best time to head to bed. At least he could relax and not have to worry about moving around again later. He pulled the wheelchair round so he could transfer back into it. It wasn't like he couldn't have managed it on his crutches, but Chris had removed them, too concerned he'd fall on his own and crack his head open on some stray piece of furniture or wall or something and brain himself without being able to call for help.

Jensen knew that they were both anxious about the evening, both worried about being so far apart without the guarantee that Chris could get to him in time to help, that he would need to call someone else to help him. In the last year, Jensen had only had to call Chris three or four times for help and one of those had been the disastrous attempt to take himself off to the park alone. Jensen had no intention of tonight being a new one, tonight was going to be a success, for Chris' sake and if it meant Jensen being extra careful not to injure himself or burn the apartment block down or anything like that then so be it.

He hadn't let Chris off that easily with the mother hen routine though. He'd told him firmly enough that he was being an idiot and that nothing was going to happen but he'd rapidly acceded to Chris' demands to make sure that Chris went off to meet Steve in a good mood; the last thing they needed was Chris in a foul temper before they started and then to start arguing over whether Chris had been right to be so protective. This would, at least for now, remain Jensen and Chris' secret; Jensen had no intention of letting anyone into how far he'd driven Chris with worry that this was what he'd become; no intention of telling anyone until he'd fixed it and the best way to fix it was to let Chris see a little at a time what he could cope with.

Settled in his bed, Jensen reached for the remote to flick the TV on before picking up his phone to call Jared. A brief thought passed through his head and with a smile, he sent a quick text to Chris first, "All well here, hope you're having a good time. Am tired after today so have gone to watch TV in bed. See you in the morning. J.”

He waited a few minutes for the buzz of a reply coming through, opening the message to see. "Steve an ass! Sthgs never change! Music good, will come in quietly when home. Call if you need me, will come strt away. C."

Jensen smiled wryly before sending another message, "HAVE FUN!!! I won't be calling. Night." He flicked down the contacts to Jared's name and pressed call, listening to the call connect and ring, waiting, breath held, for _that_ voice.

"Hey, man. How ya doin?"

"I'm okay, you?"

"Yeah, work was . . . well, it's over now anyway."

Jensen frowned, there was something in Jared's tone that to him made it sound like whatever it was wasn't over at all. He paused a moment to consider whether what he was about to do was the right thing before, "Jared? You can tell me about it you know? I'll listen."

"Nah, man. It's cool. I know Sam's your friend."

"Hey, it's not like that. She and Jeff were together for a while, I was with Tom, we got on and sure I knew her through my work too, but she's not really a friend, more an acquaintance. And believe me when she and Jeff got going . . . I saw some humdinger arguments!"

"She is kinda . . . explosive sometimes," Jared agreed carefully.

"She's an acquaintance, Jay - you're my friend," Jensen said softly. "If you want that. . ."

"More than anything."

"You want to tell me?" he pressed again, gently.

"She just . . . well, it's not even really directed at me most of the time. But the other staff aren't really happy, they bitch a lot. It's not like when I'm at Jase's and we're a team."

"Most of the time? She said something to you?" The hint of protectiveness was clear in Jensen's words.

"Well, I told you about when she took my display out of the window; she was pretty loud about it then . . . but today . . . she was in a bad mood all day, she'd had a letter from Jeff I think . . .”

"Oh," the reply is quiet.

"After lunch she . . . well, I guess she does blame me that he left, I couldn't do anything right . . . it was just . . . I'm just being too soft, I guess."

"No. Tell me."

"There's honestly nothing to tell, I guess I just got too used to sorting it out by myself when I was running the antiquarian side of things. It's just too . . . tedious doing the ordinary stuff but she won't listen to my suggestions for anything, I wanted to do book groups like Jase's and an open mike poetry night, stuff like that, but she's just happy with one little book club and all my ideas get shot down in flames."

"You should start to look for something else. Don't tell her, use the job as a stopgap until you find the job you're meant to be in - think of it as an opportunity to make your dreams come true. I read that stuff you sent me. I mailed a couple back to you with thoughts, the others I haven't had chance to go through so thoroughly yet but I will. You could be a writer, Jared. You have what it takes, with a little guidance and the right publishing house."

"You mean it?"

"I do. I see a lot of different stuff at work. Chris and I, we aren't really antiquarian book dealers as such . . . it's a hobby. We work as distributors and promoters. We work with a couple of specific publishing houses, but a lot of the time we've actually picked the books we're going to distribute, we choose who and what we want to be involved with; what we want to promote rather than just handle. Believe me, you're a million times better than some of the stuff that gets published."

"It means a lot to me, to hear you say that. I guess maybe you're right, perhaps I should start looking, maybe even check on the internet to see if I could get something in the UK. I'm just going to get more and more eaten up and bitter if I stay at Sam's much longer."

Jensen swallowed nervously, "I know someone who backs new authors. He's looking at the moment . . . I could show him the stuff I think he'd like out of what you sent me . . . if you wanted. . . He goes for books that are kind of travel themed but not your typical travel guide. He wants books that show another side to the places in questions. He backs people and lets them go and write. It's not high budget but enough for basic needs - not like 5 star hotels or anything!"

"Oh my God! You'd do that for me? Jensen, you are the awesomest best friend ever"!"

Jensen smiled, then teased, "I thought his name was Chad?"

"Man, promise me you'll never change my ringtone to anything embarrassing and you definitely get the top slot!"

"I'm not so technologically minded - standard ringtones for me! You won't catch me changing anyone else's, I wouldn't know how, so you're safe. So I bet you're looking forward to Sandy getting here, aren't you?"

"God yeah! Even if she will force me to spend hours discussing wedding plans! I mean seriously, one time she called and spent over an hour trying to decide between pink and peach for the flower girls! One hour where I couldn’t get a word in edgewise and she ended up deciding on lilac! Honest, man, chicks are weird! But I love her to bits, ya know?"

"My sister called about her prom dress . . . she said I was the worst gay guy ever because I didn't know what she was talking about! She said I should watch some program on the TV in which _real_ gay men helped other people with their clothes and shit! I have no idea what she was talking about, do you?"

Jared chuckled, "Actually I do, but only 'cos I had the exact same conversation with my kid sister and I had to go watch it to find out what she was talking about!"

"So tell me am I missing something important?"

"No . . . I think it's safe to say it's not an experience I'll be repeating any time soon!"

"Is she alright watching it though? Should I be talking to her about you know anything? It's not like that 'Queer as Folk' thing is it?"

"Not even a little bit!"

"So it's okay for her to watch - she's just a kid you know?"

"No, I think she's fairly safe." Jared reassured with a chuckle.

"You probably think I'm stupid, but I'm her big brother and I want her to stay the sweet little thing she was. I mean I know she's growing up an' all, but you know anyone hurts her and I'll set Chris on them."

"Now that's a scary thought! But I know where you're coming from; I'm just the same about Meggie, my little sister. Who would so kill me if I called her little!"

"Yeah, I don't think Mac would be too pleased, but hey, I know more than she does and I'm still older than her."

"So you're like me then, a big brother and a little one! You did say you had an older brother too?"

"Yeah, I did."

Chatting quietly they stayed on the phone for hours, exchanging childhood memories, swapping stories, neither one wanting to break the connection and hang up.


	14. Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

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](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00012hfd/)

Chris pushed Jensen's chair into the coffee shop to save Jensen the strain. The physiotherapist had been pleased with Jensen's progress but had warned that he needed to be wary of overdoing it when he was feeling tense. Chris knew that Jensen had been tense for the last few days about the upcoming story session at Jason's Place. He knew that Jensen had struggled to sleep the night before and the fact he'd called Chris in to help him get out of bed that morning a clear sign that the tension had set into the muscles just as the physiotherapist had warned. Chris had watched in silence, full of pride for his friend's efforts as Jensen had still got himself ready, eaten a small amount of breakfast without any attempt at avoidance before asking Chris to help him get down to the coffee shop. He'd talked intermittently about the books and authors he'd chosen and whether Chris thought they'd be okay.

Chris remembered the hours he and Jensen had spent in the past, creating collections of themes, of illustrators, authors, series for different age children. Although it was always Jensen who had read to the pre-schoolers, they had both taken it in turns to read to the other groups for older kids after school and in vacations . They'd run groups for reluctant readers, boys, girls, kids who struggled. And then just to prove their point that reading didn't stop you being cool, they'd even gone down to the park at weekends to join the kids and their families for games of soccer, football and baseball. The accident had stopped all of that. With Jensen unable to face the public eye and Chris unwilling to leave Jensen alone for long, all of the book clubs and their associated jaunts had ceased instantly. At first the kids had sent cards, letters and pictures but as time wore on, so the contact had dried up. For Jensen to start it up again, it made Chris' heart swell with pride. For all his anxiety, Jensen hadn't once tried to back out and Chris had been willingly at his side the whole way, reassuring every time he'd asked if Dr Seuss and Shel Silverman were good choices, repeating time and again that yes Jensen had made the right choice to run the circle today and that everything would be fine. He'd knocked Jensen's arm dislodging the finger he was chewing on deliberately and giving Jensen a warm smile of encouragement. "You think the kids . . . What are they going to think of the chair, man?" Jensen had hissed.

Chris reassured him again with a smirk, "Just tell 'em they're racing wheels!" He paused then added, "Or you could say it's like their strollers! Jensen, dude, the kids are gonna be more interested in Sam-I-am than in your wheels."

Jensen nodded, then breathed deeply before turning his chair to move into the area Jason had set up for the story circle. Chris moved away, leaving Jensen in peace to get himself ready, instead settling by the counter where he could talk quietly to Jason. Some things never changed, as good as Jensen had always been at all of the kids' story circles, as popular as they had become, Jensen had always remained nervous before each event, where Chris knew he had always geared himself up looking forward to the attention as well as really switching the kids on to the wealth of books and stories out there. Jensen's motivation had always been purely about getting the kids to love reading.

Half an hour later, Jensen had finished and was packing the books up wishing Chris would come over and help him escape. A few of the moms kept trying to start up conversations with him, pressing him for details of how he was getting on, whether he was ever gonna get rid of the wheelchair and Jensen could feel the panic building inside him at the personal nature of the discussions they were trying to start.

"I - I gotta go," Jensen said again and tried to ease his wheelchair between two of the women without running over their feet. "Maybe - maybe we'll be back next week - I've gotta go now. Chris! Look see, Chris is waiting . . ." Jensen almost panted. "Chris!" he said slightly louder hoping Chris would hear him and help him get out of the situation.

Suddenly there was a friendly voice behind his shoulder, "Hey you two shift your strollers! How's Jensen supposed to get through if you two stand there nattering and blocking the way? God, the guy's got a job to get to you know." The words were accompanied by a gentle familiar laugh and Jensen looked over to see Angie's friend Casey and felt as the panic subsided a little and as the women stepped back out of his way with an apology. Jensen threw Casey an appreciative smile and eased his wheelchair through the newly opened space, leaving Casey to distract the women from following him. He made his way across to Jason and Chris and let out a breath of relief as he came to a standstill beside Chris, slightly embarrassed by what felt like a huge difference in their height.

"You ready to go then?" Jensen asked quietly ignoring the wide grins on both Jason's and Chris' faces. Chris nodded and let his feet swing free of the cross bar on the stool he was sitting on so he could stand. "Catch ya later, Jase," he said before moving behind Jensen's chair and starting to push it towards the door.

When they were outside, he said, "So, I booked you in for this time next week on Jason's calendar. Went well, huh? You wanna go home now or back to the office?" Jensen seemed thoughtful and Chris had to ask the last question twice before Jensen came out of his reverie and said, "Office, I guess, still a shitload of work to be done."

Back at the office, Chris left Jensen alone in the office, having banned him from the stockroom until he'd manage to ease some of the tension from his shoulders. Jensen had agreed to take it easy, as reluctant as Chris to risk any damage to his back or legs. Jensen stared at Chris' retreating figure for a few moments while he waited for the computer to finish loading up. He clicked into email first to see if he'd had any important messages to respond to.

* * *

From : sasquatch69@gmail.com  
To: jensena@weknowourbooks.com  
Hey dude, hope it went okay this morning. Give me a call – I’m in the bookshop and it's BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRing!

* * *

Jensen pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed Jared's number.

Jared snatched his phone off the desk at the first chirp of music. "Yo! Sasquatch Enterprizes! No shelf too high, no light bulb that can’t be changed! What can I do for you today?"

"Hey there, Jared. It's - uh - it's me. You still bored?" Jensen asked.

"Man, like you wouldn't believe! Sam said to unpack the boxes and then cover the till - nothing else. She told me to stay away from the windows - snarky bitch!"

"That bad, huh? So how's it going then?"

"Well unpacking the boxes took me approximately seventeen and a half minutes, making coffee took me till 9.30am so I've been twiddling my thumbs since then!"

Jensen laughed gently, "So bored is kind of an understatement, huh?"

"Yeah, I have never been so glad to talk to anybody!"

"And there was me thinking you actually liked me . . ." the note of teasing in Jensen’s voice was affectionate. Jensen felt himself grin as he added, "You just want me as a distraction from your boredom!"

Jared chuckled, low and easy. "Nah, I love you for your mind too! And your expertise in reading material. Did you go for Green Eggs and Ham in the end or Marvin K Mooney?"

"I'm Sam-I-am!" replied Jensen. “Had 'em all joining in by the time I finished," his voice held a light tone of something approaching thrill.

"I can imagine," Jared grinned. "Makes me wish I was there to see it, though I gotta say nothing beats the sheer imagery and poetry of Marvin K!”

"Kind of a relief to have it over with though," Jensen admitted.

“Yeah, well it was your first one in ages. It was bound to be a bit nerve wracking. And some of those Moms? Some of them call in for coffee after they’ve dropped the kids off on a Wednesday morning. Angie's gang have nothing on them!"

"You ever thought of doing one?"

"One of the Mom’s? Dude, I thought I already told you I don’t swing that way!"

Jensen could feel the burn of embarrassment in his cheeks as he flustered, "N-no, I - I meant a story circle for the kids!"

Jared cracked up laughing, holding the phone away from his mouth so as not to deafen Jensen. When he had collected himself enough to speak he said, "I knew what you meant, doofus! You are so easy to wind up! I'm gonna have to keep you far away from Chad, he'd eat you alive!"

"Sorry!"

"My friend Chad, well everyone called him Mayhem if that gives you any clue. It was a permanent state of prank war where we lived. And if you took the joke and laughed well great, he'd move on to the next victim but if you got pissed at him or didn’t see the funny side - well that made you fair game!"

"Tom used to pull pranks . . . but sometimes it was difficult to tell . . . sometimes he - he was just aiming to hurt people. I've . . . There's not really been any thing since he died, everyone's serious now.”

"Don't you believe it! Sophia can be a real devil when she gets going! Steve too, but only if she starts it. The other day they got hold of a can of those jumping snakes - d'you know the ones I mean? Anyway they managed to cram them in the till when Jason went to the head. Man the look on his face when they popped out all over the place! I mean it’s just harmless kids stuff really but then no one gets hurt and everyone gets a good laugh."

"Oh!" Jensen whispered as if Jared's words had meant something entirely different.

"Sorry, I mean, I guess they all try so hard not to hurt you they sometimes forget to have fun as well. . . . Jen . . . why do they treat you like you're . . . I dunno, made of glass or something."

Jared's question was met with silence but for the slightly uneven breaths from the other end of the line.

As the silence continued, Jensen swallowed nervously before saying quietly, "I should go and let you get on, you probably have loads to do and I'm wasting your time."

Jared sighed softly, "No Jensen, you're never a waste of my time. I treasure every moment I spend talking to you. It's just . . . whenever I have a problem I turn to you and you sort it out or help me think straight and make me feel better. And yet they . . . well, I just worry that I'm imposing on you, like there’s something I should know. You're not . . . sick or got . . . one of the girls in my math class got leukemia and her friends talked about her the way Chris talks about you sometimes." As he spoke Jared could feel his anxiety levels rising, palms sweating, mouth suddenly dry. He had come to value Jensen's friendship and support so highly he couldn't bear to think his friend might vanish as swiftly as Cindy had.

"It's not that. I'm sorry, Jared. I - I wanted to be friends though. You did so much, you helped me and you . . . I wanted things to be right. Why does it have to be . . ." the line went quiet, Jensen's breathing forced until he added. "It's all so difficult."

Jared gripped the phone tightly and blinked back tears, he felt like he was being dumped. "I'm sorry," he whispered although he didn’t know what he was apologizing for.

"I can't be who I was before . . . you deserve someone more, someone . . ."

"Don't, okay? Just don't. You don't know who or what I deserve! I didn't know you before, I don’t care what you were like then. It's the ‘you’ you are now that's my best friend, that I turn to for advice and support, whose opinion I value and respect more than anyone's. Don't you dare accuse me of having poor judgment when it comes to choosing my friends! I think you're perfect the way you are."

"I was in the car when Tom died. I was there. They had to cut the car apart to get me out." The words were hurried, tumbling over one another in Jensen's haste to get them out as he felt himself shaking violently. "I can't . . . I can't do this. . ." The line went dead as Jensen cut the connection, sobs wracking through him as he buried his head in his hands.

Jared stared at the phone blankly for a minute, "Fuck!" he'd messed that up badly. He looked at his watch, it was hours before he was due to leave. He thought for a moment. Fuck it! He was going down to the coffee shop now and he was going to make Jason tell him what Jensen's problem was.

* * *

Logically, in some distant part of his brain, there was a voice telling Jensen that he'd just fucked up big time with Jared, another saying he ought to just pull himself together and get on with his life, another that sounded a lot like Tom telling him he was a pathetic excuse for a human being and one that sounded like himself saying that the office really wasn't the best place to have this breakdown. It didn't really make any difference though as he continued to sob uncontrollably, unable to stop himself or even call Chriss for support.

* * *

Jared deftly flipped off all the lights and locked up the cash register. A hastily scribbled note was tacked to the door and he was gone, striding down the street. Flipping open his phone he dialed Jen's number, hoping that his friend would answer,

* * *

Chris heard the ring of a phone in the office as he left the stockroom, heading for the restroom. He closed the door behind him. When he came out again a few minutes later, he heard the phone ringing again and frowned. The phone cut off and he sighed with relief. Jensen must have answered it he figured and turned to go back into the stock room.

* * *

Jared cursed out loud, how could he leave Jensen knowing how distressed he'd been? He wished he had Chris' number; he'd have to get Jason to call him. He decided to give it one last try and hit the speed dial for Jensen once again.

* * *

When the phone started again before Chris had taken more than a few steps, he knew something was wrong. He turned and ran up to the office, barreling through the door and coming to a halt at the sight before him. "Fuck, Jen!" he cried as he raced to his friend's side, wrapping Jensen in his arms ignoring the ringing phone. "God! I'm here, I'm here you're okay, you're gonna be okay, everything's gonna be fine. Just talk to me, tell me what's going on, please."

  


* * *

Jared stopped at the crossing, his heart hammering wildly. If he carried on down the street he could ask Jason but would Jason actually tell him anything. He'd seen the cafe owner and his friends close ranks when it came to Jensen too many times. Dani wouldn't be at the offices any longer, there was no one to stop him if he just went in. Ignoring the blaring of car horns, Jared didn't wait for the walk sign and dodged his way over the road. Fuck this, fuck everything, Sam was going to sack him for leaving early anyway, he couldn't wait any longer - he was going to find Jensen and have it all out with him now. Pushing open the front door and ignoring the temp who sat in Dani's place Jared took the stairs two at a time as he headed to the main office area above.

"Come on dude," Chris' voice could be heard through the open door to the office foyer, soothing and reassuring the other person in the room. "Just breathe for me, it's okay to let this all out, but please just breathe too, huh?"

Jared knew if he stopped now he'd never do this, barely pausing for breath he barreled in through the door. Chris looked at him in surprise before the surprise changed to shock and then horror but the man with him didn't react at all to Jared's entrance, still too distraught to have even realized that anyone else had entered the room.

"Chris, man I'm sorry for barging in like this but Jensen and I really need to talk."

"Maybe now's not such a good time Jared, you know.” Chris stood up, moving to stand between Jensen and Jared. “There's a lot you don't understand, a lot you don't know. I know you mean well, but you know, we've been friends a long time . . ."

"I know Chris, believe it or not he talks to me - tells me a lot, and one minute I think we're talking and he's opening up to me and then he gets upset and hangs up . . . how can I be his friend properly if he shuts me out when he needs me? " Jared took a deep breath; Chris was still standing protectively in front of Jensen so that Jared still hadn't even seen the man properly. "Chris, please? I swear I'm not going to hurt him but . . . just, please?"

Chris stood wavering unsure what to do. Jensen needed to move on, _was_ moving on slow but sure. He looked behind him at the distressed figure and didn't know what to do for the best. He knew that Jensen had needed this complete breakdown since the accident, the doctor had warned that it would happen, that sooner or later the physical and emotional toll would reach a breaking point, that it needed to happen for Jensen to move on properly, to accept Tom's death, his own injury and all the other problems that had ensued phyisically, financially and practically. The more time had passed the more Chris had let himself believe that somehow Jensen was stronger, Jensen had dealt with it. Jared was telling the truth, Jensen had been telling him things, Jared had been good for him, but was he the right person to leave in control now? Chris had no idea what to do.

Jared forced himself to meet Chris' eye, he knew that if he couldn't persuade Chris that this was what Jensen needed, that _he_ was what Jensen needed right now he had no hope of getting near the other man. Jensen was still sitting behind Chris and his distressed sobbing was tearing at Jared's heart. Still he gazed steadily at Chris. "I know he's your friend, Chris, I know that you love him and that you only want what's best for him - just give me ten minutes, stay outside the door Hell! Leave the door open! He was on the phone to me when this started Chris, **we** need to finish the conversation. If we don’t do it now, it will only make things harder in the long run."

Chris nodded silently, then turned back to Jensen. He looked at his friend for a scant few seconds before turning to the door and with his head down he stepped away, stopping beside Jared, he whispered, "Please . . . get this right. . . don't make it worse for him. He doesn't deserve that." The words were choked off and there was a suspicious glimmer to his eyes as Chris backed off to hover by the door.

Jared took a deep breath then approached his friend slowly, he dropped to his knees in front of the older man and reached out, tentatively at first but then moved beyond self restraint he put his arms around Jensen and pulled him in close. "Jensen, I'm here, please, it's okay, you'll be okay," he soothed, feeling the other man sobbing into his neck . "Tell me Jensen, tell me, just do it this once and you'll never have to talk about it again but it’s poisoning you, eating you up inside. Just talk to me, please?"

Jensen's breath came in uneven sobbing pants that seemed to heave through his whole body. He didn't know how to stop, didn't know where all these tears had come from, his stomach and heart ached with something he didn't know how to put words to anymore. He took great gulps of air, trying to regain control but the whole thing just felt like he was being washed away on a tidal wave.

"Just go with it man," Jared advised softly, "Guess it's been a long time coming, huh?" He let his hand, huge and warm drift up to rub in soothing circles on Jensen’s back.

Gradually the sobs eased and Jensen's breathing calmed. Slowly he became aware of his surroundings or more precisely his companion . . . not Chris! Jensen closed his eyes and turned his head away embarrassed, not sure what the hell was going on, where Chris was. God as if breaking down in such a . . . a pathetic way wasn't bad enough, as if being seen wasn't horror enough, it's not even Chris who's here with him.

"Jen, how are you doing? Can I get you anything? Like water or something?" Jared’s voice was gentle and a little husky from emotion.

Jensen recognized the voice. "Jared," he murmured sadly, "Jared." He didn't look up, not wanting to see the disgust on Jared's face. He pulled himself back from Jared's hug, letting his hands drop to the wheels of his chair but still pointedly looking away from Jared. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You - you should go."

Jared finally looked at the man in front of him, tear stained and very disheveled but "Oh my God! It's you . . . I mean did you know? I . . . Oh God!"

Jensen cringed away, knowing that the next words from Jared's mouth would be disgust, disgust that for so long he'd concealed the truth about the chair, about his own paralysis, injuries, scars.

"Did you know the first time I met you? In the hospital? Has this been some sort of sick game you've been playing? Visiting me in the store and then phoning and being someone different. For god’s sake I even told you how I felt about it - that I really liked you and you still didn’t say you were both you, fuck even I’m confused now." He risked another look at Jensen's eyes, at the depths of torment they reflected back at him. "Oh Jen!"

"When - when I realized at the hospital, I - I tried to tell you, but you . . . you were just . . . you kept talking and I c-called you Jared and you just took no notice and I didn't know how to tell you and . . . and then . . ." He shook his head, trembling and trying to keep what little was left of his dignity.

"Do all the others know? Was Jason laughing at me when he bet me $20 he'd find my 'mystery man' first?"

"No-one! I haven't said to anyone . . . I - I couldn't . . . I . . ." Jensen heaved desperately trying to control himself but failing as the next words came out on a sob, "On the phone . . . on the phone, I could believe we could be friends. I wanted to be friends . . ." He sobbed the words again, "I wanted a friend, one who didn't want me to . . . to . . . to be who I was before, but once you knew . . . once you know . . . I didn't want to lose what we'd got. I'm sorry."

"I don’t understand, why could you think I wouldn’t want to be your friend? Just because I was attracted to you? How could you think that I could put that in front of our friendship." Jared rocked back on his heels and pulled himself up to perch on the edge of the desk. The burst of adrenalin had left his head pounding and he was struggling to understand what Jensen was trying to say.

"You tell me, Jared, who would choose to be friends, let alone anything more, with a cripple, with an idiot in a wheelchair? Who would want to be friends with someone who . . . who . . . who. . ." He couldn't get the words out.

"You're not an idiot and . . . and, Fuck! The wheelchair? This is about the wheelchair? Chris!" Jared raised his voice, "Chris!"

"No - it's . . . it's everything," Jensen finished deflated. "It's everything that comes with it, with me. You can't understand, no one can. I wrecked it all . . . I wrecked it all . . . You think . . . you think anyone really wants to stick around, really wants to be near me? They don't get a choice but you . . . you could choose, you could have anything . . . anyone . . . why would you even want to pass the time of day with someone like me."

"I never even noticed the fucking thing! Ask Chris - he'll tell you. When I met you in the hospital I just said you were funny and sweet and gorgeous and you still are. And on the phone you're my best friend. Why the hell should any of this make any difference?"

"I lived and they - they didn't."


	15. Patience & Persistence (16/?) J2 AU (part two)

"You're talking in riddles, man," Jared scooted himself forward. "Help me understand Jensen, we've been so close, I thought we'd talked about everything under the sun and then I find all this . . . this stuff that’s such a huge part of your life and you shut me out all of a sudden."

"Tell him, Jensen, tell him whatever the fuck is eating you from the inside, because he'll tell you, it's all bullshit. You think that I want out? You think that Jason and Steve don't want to know you? Seriously? That really pisses me off. You think we're sorry that you were the only one pulled from that mess alive? Do you? You think we'd have wanted you to die as well? What have you told Jared about that fucking night? Anything? Anything real? You know what Jared, maybe I should just tell you what happened, how it is that Jensen became the fucking burden he is now!" Chris stormed across the room, anger evident in more than just his voice. He plonked himself down on the desk beside Jared and began to talk.

Without realizing what he was doing Jared reached over and grasped Jensen's hand in a gesture of support.

"See Jared, once upon a time there was a boy called Jensen, a nice kid from a good home. You know the type? And this Jensen left home and went to College and it was lucky he made some good friends he had because his room-mate was a homophobic fucker, see the one night that he thought he'd just go home and have an early night do a bit of studying, well his room-mate saw an opportunity and decided to exercise his right to free speech and to back it up with his fists, ignoring everyone's else's right not to hear his bullshit, but he hadn't counted on Steve going to visit Jensen. Last night he spent in that crummy College dorm.I was crashing with Steve to then so that’s how we met. So I've been around for a while . . . " Chris paused drawing a breath.

"Anyway, as the time passed Jensen had a boyfriend or two, not many, not really serious but then he was kind of swept away by this one guy. His name was Tom, he was real tall, good looking (if you go for that sort of thing), with this larger than life personality. Everything about him was loud and attention-seeking and in a way you know at first he was really good for Jensen, brought him out of his shell a bit, let him be out and proud albeit quietly! But then you see there was more than just what he let you see to Tom, more than Jensen ever told us . . ." Chris looked away for a moment. "Tom and Jensen were together for . . . five years was it, Jen?" Chris got no answer, but holding Jensen's hand, Jared could feel the tremors passing through him, see the anguish on his face.

"Tom . . . What shall I start with eh, Jen? The money he took, the number of times he cheated on you, the drugs, the jobs, the contracts he fucked up or shall we just talk about how he tried to stop you having any say in your own life. Jensen wasn't allowed to come out to play . . . Jensen's guitar was trashed, the fret broken, the strings cut so that he couldn't play any more. He had to fight to be allowed to come to one of our gigs."

"So there was this one night, this one of my gigs, that Jensen really wanted to be able to attend . . . the night before his birthday for all the difference that made. He came to the gig and Tom came with him. Tom was drunk, stoned and in a fucking pissy mood. They arrived late and if Tom had had his way they'd have left early but Jensen held on, helped us pack up and then stone cold sober Jensen got in a car and started to drive his asshole boyfriend home." Jensen was white as a sheet and Chris felt instantly sorry for his harsh tone and softened his voice, dropping to kneel on the other side to Jared. "You tell him Jen, you tell him what happened. We're still here for you. _Nothing's_ gonna change that, because none of it and none of this makes me not want to be your friend."

"Oh God, Jen. I'm sorry, so sorry. I didn't mean . . .didn't want it to turn out like this. I didn't think, just came rushing over here but . . . maybe Chris is right, Jen. I mean, you've got the two people here who care about you more than anything else in the world. Now is as good a time as it's gonna get. Just tell me, please?" He clasped Jensen's hand tighter then looked past him to meet Chris's anguished gaze.

There was silence; it hung in the air, each man waiting for something to change. Jensen let his eyes rise slowly to meet Chris' and Chris nodded slowly, reaching one hand forward to Jensen. Jensen swallowed and then quietly began to talk, "It was raining and Tom was shouting at me, he told me how selfish I'd been all evening, how I'd just been focused on my friends and I'd left him out, how I made him feel worthless and never took account of his feelings. He started to reach into the back seat, couldn't reach what he wanted. He told me to stop the car and get it for him . . . his jacket with . . . with the E in the pocket, that's what he wanted and he wanted me to take him to this club he liked but . . . but I told him to fuck off so . . . so . . ." His breath was shortening and his grip tightened frantically round Jared's hand.

Jared clung on to Jensen’s hand for all he was worth trying to make the other man feel the love and support he wanted to offer, unable to speak for fear of breaking the other man’s train of thought.

Jensen licked his lips and tried to start again, his voice unbelievably quieter, "He undid his seatbelt and tried to climb over into the back to get his stuff. I was struggling to see in the rain and to see past him, we went through the junction, through the lights and then . . . then there was this horrendous noise, squealing and screeching of metal and lights glaring and screams and grinding and . . . and so much noise and I closed my eyes, I'd got no control over the car, none, nothing worked, not the steering wheel, not the brake. We were just being pushed and twisted and . . . it was terrifying," he finished on a whisper.

"When I opened my eyes again, I couldn't move . . . I called Tom's name but - but he wasn't there beside me. The windscreen was smashed and Tom was gone. I thought I'd killed him, even then I knew I'd killed him; it was all that could have happened. Then I tried to get out but I couldn't . . . I couldn't, I couldn't get out - I couldn't get out of the car, I couldn't move."

"Oh Jen, I'm so sorry," Jared felt his heart twist as he began to realize just what his friend had endured.

"Chris came - Chris was there." His eyes come back up to meet Chris', "You were there, you stayed, you stayed with me even though . . . you stayed Chris, you stayed."

"Of course, Jen. I'll be here as long as you need me," Chris said softly.

"The fire crew had to cut me out; it took a long time . . . a long time." Jensen was speaking to Jared again, although his eyes never lifted higher than Jared's chin. "Chris stayed with me, talked to me, they weren't sure they could get me out, but Chris stayed anyway. He knew . . . I didn't have to tell him, he knew I was frightened, he was just calm and there and in control."

Almost imperceptibly the men had been moving closer, a protective circle of love and friendship as Jensen relived those most painful of his memories. Jared had to stop himself from pulling Jensen into an embrace that would shut everything out; he wanted to be able to help Jensen forget but knew that Jensen would never be able to move on from this if he didn't let it out. Chris too was moving ever closer to his friend, he knew that Jared only wanted what was best for his friend but still he wanted to protect Jensen from himself, to wrap him up in cotton wool and keep him safe from the world. That approach hadn't worked though so this was the only option left. "Because you were so strong, Jensen. It was easier to stay with you, be strong for you than to try and see what was going on with Steve and Tom."

"There are times I don't remember, things that I'm - I'm not sure about. It hurt, I remember it hurt but not my legs. I don't remember them hurting." He turned to Chris, "Did they hurt? Did I say? I wanted them to stop; I wanted them to do something to stop it all. There was so much pain when I breathed, I remember feeling faint and I remember getting confused, they kept asking me things, sometimes the same things over and over again. They wouldn't let Chris tell them the answers; they kept making me tell them . . . They wouldn't tell me about Tom though or the other car. I didn't know till later that Tom was dead, that the young boys in the other car were dead. I went across that junction and I wasn't paying enough attention. I was trying to see round Tom. I never saw them coming on _my_ side, till the lights were right up close, so close, so close and I couldn't move out of the way. They told me the light was green, green for me. . . but I don't remember. . . I don't remember that at all."

"It was their fault, Jen. You know this. They were drunk. Completely off their heads. There was nothing you could have done, nothing," Chris said helplessly. He had been over this with his friend so many times but still Jensen blamed himself.

"Everything is always so confused when I think about it. . . I can't work out which bits are real, which are things that people told me and which are . . . which are just in my. . ." He whispered the final word, "Nightmares," before falling silent, tears slipping unchecked from his eyes again.

Unable to stop himself any longer Jared leaned in and wiped the tears away with the pad of his thumb, pulling Jensen into his arms. "It's over now, it's all over," Jared murmured softly. "I've got you now, it'll be okay." he reassured.

Jensen tried to pull himself together, tried to stop the flow of tears, not knowing how he could still be crying. He hadn't cried . . . he hadn't really cried like this, only . . . only when . . . and never like this, never. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he murmured between sobs.

"It's okay to cry, Jensen. Let it out buddy. You've been bottling it up for way too long." Chris advised softly, his hand on Jensen's shoulder while allowing Jared to keep holding his friend.

"It's taken so long and everything's changed . . ." Jensen murmured, unmoving in Jared's embrace. "Chris has to do so much, so many things for me. He does them and he doesn't tell people, he keeps my secrets and it's not fair on him, and Tom always said I was so selfish and I look at Chris and I know that Tom was right. I can't manage on my own anymore. I'm no good anymore. I just can't . . . there're so many things I just can't do."

"No," Chris shook his head but felt too drained, too exhausted to protest further. So many times they had had this conversation round and round in circles.

Jared looked from one devastated man to the other. "But . . . there is so much you can do. Surely after everything that’s happened, everything you’ve learned, you can’t still believe that Tom was right? I'm sorry Jen but that’s bullshit!" His eyes glittered dangerously, "All the times we've talked, all the times you’ve supported me, I've never heard this kind of self-pitying crap from you!"

"Tom . . ." Jensen took a breath, not meeting anyone's eyes, "Tom didn't want me then . . . Tom wanted the money that was all; the money and the people I knew. Tom didn't want me really, when I could walk, when my body did what it was supposed to do, when I could work with him, how could . . . how am I supposed to believe that there is a future when this is what I'm like?"

"Oh Jen . . ." Jared looked at him helplessly. "You can't really believe that can you? You're gorgeous and clever and talented. You were my best friend and the guy of my dreams . . . even if I did think you were two different people. If you can't give me the credit for knowing what I want well . . . I don't know." He looked pleadingly at Chris. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It's not because I can't handle the wheelchair or anything that goes along with it, I can't take that he doesn't trust me enough to think I could cope with it." He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Jensen’s lips. "You have my number, it's up to you. I **can** handle this, the question is can you?" Straightening up Jared shot one last regretful look in the two men's directions and headed out of the office.

Jensen didn't utter a sound; just let the defeat settle over him as he watched Jared leave.

"Do something," Chris whispered harshly, "Tell him to stay." Jensen stared down at his hands blankly. "Fuck, Jensen, just call out, say his name and he'll come back, but you have to stop him!"

Furious now, Chris stood and raced to the door, calling Jared's name, "Jared! Jared!" He ran down the corridor, past the reception area and followed Jared out onto the street, calling again, "Jared!"

Jared hesitated at the bottom of the stairs, he knew he had tears streaming down his face, knew that the temp was looking at him. Even now he wanted to turn back, to grab Jensen tight and never let him go. Blindly he stumbled out onto the sidewalk, he couldn't go back to his apartment alone, he just couldn’t. Heading down the street he was dimly aware of Chris calling to him but he had to get away. Jason wouldn't ask questions, breaking into a run Jared headed for the security of the coffee bar.

Chris stopped as he saw Jared start to run, knowing he couldn't catch Jared now. He stood watching the younger man disappearing into the distance before muttering to himself, "You fucking bastard, Jared, you promised you were going to be there for him, you promised you weren't going to hurt him and . . . Fuck! He tells you all that and you walk out on him." He drew in a deep breath before shouting to the sky, "Fucking bastard!"

  


* * *

Jay stumbled to a halt on the sidewalk. Angrily he dashed the tears from his eyes and wondered what to do? Jason was Jen's friend. Maybe Chris would have called him by now, told him . . . told him everything. Not good, so not good. How could he have fucked things up so badly? Still nowhere else to go though so Jason it was. Jared picked up his pace again, how could he have let himself get so angry with Jensen? He was so hurt and so vulnerable. Shit! Shit! Shit!

He shoved open the door of the coffee bar and was relieved to see that it was relatively empty. "Jason?" he called tentatively and was rewarded as Jason popped up from behind the counter. "Hey man, are you early or is it later than I thought?" Jared tried for a wan smile but it came out pathetically weak. "Man, I'm sorry, has . . . has Chris called?"

"Chris? No, should he have? Hey man, you okay? Has something happened?" Jason approached leaving what he'd been doing in his concern for his friend.

"I'm . . . I . . . you owe me twenty dollars. I found my mystery man," Jared tried to joke, fought so valiantly against the torment that was eating him up inside but he choked on a sob and turned away, trying to hide his distress.

"You did? It didn't go well then, I'm sorry Jay. He . . . he wasn't what you hoped for . . . Hey you know, there'll be someone else. Mr. Right is out there somewhere." Jason tried to hide his discomfort at Jared's reaction. It seemed a little extreme for finding out that a guy he'd met twice wasn't interested in him.

"No, no you don’t understand! It was . . . it. Ah fuck, Jason, I've fucked it all up. I don't know what to do."

"Okkkkaaay," Jason said slowly. "Maybe we should sit down and . . . and think about this some more. Maybe it's not so bad? Or maybe you could chat with Soph if that would be better?"

"None of you will want to talk to me ever again when you know what I've done. I just I didn't know where else to go. Wanted to say goodbye I suppose. I walked out of Sam's, I guess I'm fired from there now!”

"Fuck Jared! Why would we not want to talk to you? Don't give a damn about you leaving Sam's to be quite honest, you weren't happy there and we knew that, so short of you actually stealing from the till I can't think of any reason why we wouldn't want you here, dude! And anyway, when there's nowhere else to go, that's when you come to friends, that's what friends are for! And you know that doesn't sound cheesy at all!" Jason teased gently, hoping to get a smile. "Why don't you give Jensen a ring? You and he normally talk about everything under the sun, he's pretty good at listening to stuff, maybe it'd help to talk to him. But dude, come on, sit down and while you're here, at least tell me some of it, put my mind at rest that the sky isn't gonna fall down or anything!"

"Jensen! I'm pretty sure he won't ever speak to me again and that’s if Chris would ever let me back within three miles of him! Does it sound crazy if I tell you I'm missing him when I only saw him for the first time an hour ago?"

"You saw him! Wow! That's great! Fantastic! I'm thrilled that he finally agreed to it, been telling him for weeks he should, but you know Jensen; everything's screwed up in his head. Hang on! Chris won't let you back; he won't speak to you again? What happened?" All of a sudden Jason was sitting up more, his posture more wary. "Jared, what exactly happened with Jensen?"

Jared spaced out for a few moments, examining his hands, picking at non-existent dirt from beneath his fingernails. “He called me at the bookstore and we were just talking, like we do. Everything and nothing, ya know. And he got upset and I couldn't do anything to help him and then he hung up on me."

"Right and . . ." Jason's tone was colder than Jared had ever heard it before.

"I knew he was at the office and I went over there. And it was amazing and crazy all at the same time. He was everything I wanted but he kept saying he wasn't good enough for me. He and Chris . . . they told me everything and I tried to make him understand that it wouldn't make any difference to the way I feel about him but he was so damn stubborn!"

"The way you feel about him?"

"I love him," Jared's voice was full of passion and anguish. "I loved him from just talking to him, to find out he was the hot guy was just the icing on the cake y'know? But . . . he knew, he knew who I was and kept it from me. I don't understand why he did that."

"You love Jensen . . . okay." Jason took a deep breath and let it out slowly before speaking again, "What do you know about Jensen? Or what did you know about Jensen before today? What did you know that made you think you love him?"

"We speak on the phone every day for hours and hours, have done for the past few weeks. He knows everything there is to know about me and I thought that I knew everything about him. He just forgot to mention the teeny little fact about him being in a wheelchair."

"The wheelchair? Is that the only thing you didn't know about him? You knew about his physiotherapy and the trips to the hospital? the fact he's become as good as agoraphobic? about Tom? He told you all that but he just left out the wheelchair?" Jason presses the point, knowing he's probably hitting a nerve.

"Why couldn't he trust me? Did he think so little of me that he thought it would make a difference to me? Even after I met him he didn't tell me who he really was? I thought I meant more to him than that!"

"When the hell did you meet him? Jared, I don't get this. Today is the first time you met him, that's what you said."

“He was my mystery man, and I told Jensen about him and said I really liked the guy so he knew the wheelchair didn’t matter to me. It's such a fucking mess. One minute he was in my arms and it was the best feeling in the world and the next we're in this mess!"

"The mystery guy you met at the hospital? That one?"

"Yes! That one," Jared said, not sure why it mattered to him so much that Jason should understand.

"And have you spent any time thinking how he feels when he's at the hospital?"

"Huh?" Jared peered blearily at Jason.

"Think of it this way . . . he goes there to be poked and prodded by virtual strangers. He's left feeling like a piece of meat. The day you saw him that was the day Soph cut herself, right? That was . . . that was one of his physiotherapy trips I think. At the very least when he's finished, he's exhausted, and normally he hurts. Do you have any idea how much pain he's in most of the time? Not only that it's a reminder, as if he needed one, of how hard everything is, how many of the things he used to be able to do are out of the question now, how his life is changed irrevocably. He's lost a part of his livelihood as well as his life. He makes bad calls all the time because he expects the worst. You think he's just going to say yeah sure Jared, I'd love you to know who I am in my wheelchair, because I don't feel like people are staring at me and judging me wherever I go. Jared, it's taken almost a year since the accident for him to see Steve and I again. We were best friends! He's known you what . . . a few weeks . . . months and you expect him just to think nothing is going to matter. It's easy for you to say it doesn't, but do you think he hasn't had people who can't cope with seeing him in a wheelchair, people who talk to Chris about him when he's sat right there! What makes you think it's just a matter of him saying, ‘Hey Jared, I'm Jensen still wanna be my friend?’"

"Oh, oh fuck! I didn't think it through, did I? I'm such a fuckwit!"

"Yes he's a negative bastard, all screwed up in the head and thinking the worst, but it's because of what he's had to face. You met him again at the bookstore, didn't you?"

"Yeah," Jared was stunned his mind struggling to take in what Jason was saying.

"You wanna know something about that day?"

"I was so happy when he left, it was such a good time talking to him."

"That day was the first time he left the apartment on his own, other than to get in a taxi and go to the hospital. He was scared shitless. He'd come into the shop without thinking that you might be there; he'd geared himself up to talk to Sam about promoting Tom's book. He was there because he'd got the wrong end of the stick. He'd been told he had to start going out, he had to start doing more, not just the office and home. He got it wrong though, he wasn't being expected to do it on his own. He was trying so hard to hold it together that day, he never mentioned coming in and seeing you as far as I know, but just after he left you, he was sitting near a road crossing and got caught in a crowd of people and swept out on to the road. He ended up caught in the surge of pedestrians and when he got to the other sidewalk, some fucker threw callous remarks at him about him being in the way and being a liability. He had a panic attack and barely managed to get in touch with Chris. That's how we know, he wouldn't have told anybody anything about that but Chris saw enough and pieced together the rest. That's Jensen's life and you think you can walk in and see him, tell him you love him and that's gonna fix him?"

Jason finally paused for breath, shocked at how much he was shaking.

Jared looked at him warily, understanding finally dawning. "I'm not stupid, Jason. I know it won’t be easy. I know he's been through a terrible time and of course I don’t expect him to get over it just like that. I just . . . I just wanted him to let me in a little tiny bit. Give me a little credit for not being frightened off at the first hurdle. I kept trying to make him see, Jason, but he was determined to shut me out. He didn't want to even give me a chance."

"So what did he say?"

"He said if Tom didn’t want him when he was whole, why would anyone want him broken? I'm not fucking Tom!"

"No you're not . . . in so many ways you're not . . . but see he hasn't seen half of those ways and you know Tom - he wasn't always as cruel as that. When they first started together, he was good for Jensen; it's only over time that he became the guy who fucked up our friend even before the accident. We knew him and he hid just how bad it had got from us. Not telling people stuff, not thinking he _can_ tell people stuff and they'll stick around, that's not new. Steve is the only friend he's got that he knew before uni, man. Chris and I and that's it . . . people like him, don't get me wrong, they love him but they take advantage of him and he hates to not help, to say no and in the end he withdraws from people rather than having to turn them down when they're taking advantage of him!”

"Oh, I . . . I tried not to. Take advantage I mean. He was always there for me and I tried so hard to be there for him too. He's just . . . he's so amazing and gorgeous and special and he doesn't know it."

"Fuck, I'm not saying you took advantage of him. This is not about that."

“I know that Jase, I know he's a good guy. I know he's been through some terrible shit this year but, he doesn't seem to want to even try, y'know. I mean I get what you’re saying an’ all and maybe I should have been a bit more patient but . . . aw hell! I don't know anymore, I just want him to let me in a little."

Jason looked up as the phone rang and with a look at Jared he said, "Look I'll be back in a minute, I gotta take that, but you ought to think a bit more about what you're asking him to do." Jason crossed to the counter to pick up the phone, unsurprised to hear it was Chris on the other end and that he was pulling out of performing that evening. "You two okay, dude? You need anything? Wanna tell me about it?" He listened as Chris gave his perspective on what had happened. "Look I'll try and get round later if you like, close up early and maybe Steve and I could come and see you both," he spoke quietly so that Jared wouldn't hear him. Finally he hung up and only then did he turn back to Jared.

Jared stared at him, face stricken, eyes blinking rapidly like a deer caught in the head lights.

Jason crossed the room again in swift strides, barely resisting the urge to throw Jared out. A tiny voice inside told him that Jared was naive, immature, a little unintentionally insensitive but that he didn't actually mean to hurt anyone, there wasn't really an unkind bone in his body. Jason knew all that but still . . . the man before him had just put Jensen through the wringer and had abandoned him, leaving Chris to pick up the pieces. "You want Jensen to let you in a little . . . isn't that what you said?"

"Yes," Jared whispered, broken, hopelessly.

"What do you think today was? I mean okay, he wouldn't have done or said anything if you hadn't gone round there and forced the issue but what do you think he was doing when he let Chris tell you about what happened to him at uni and about all the fucked up things that Tom did? What do you think he was doing when he told you about that night? REALLY told you about that night, right down to what it fucking felt like to be trapped inside that car for three and a half hours while they cut him out? You think he talks about that shit just for the fun of it! I know you had to force him into that situation but he responded, he opened up, he told you and he was honest, he told you why he believes you can't want him. As far as I see it, he's done his bit and then you - you walk out on him telling him it's not enough and to give you a call when he's ready to talk!"

“I said I was ready, that I could deal with it. All I asked was that he calls me and tells me when he's ready too."

"Fuck! Idiots! The pair of you! Right," Jason pulled a notepad from his pocket and started to scribble on it. "Stop being so fucking stupid, that is his address, get round there and fix this. Don't expect him to call you; you have got to prove to him that he's worth something, hell anything! The only way you'll prove it is by imposing yourself on him and showing him he means something. Nobody can do that for you and he can't believe you if you're not there to show him!"

"I don't know, Jason. He won't . . . I'm really not sure and Chris is kinda scary, really scary in fact."

"Get your ass over there, or you'll find out how scary Steve is and believe me that puts even Chris to shame!"

Jared sighed and reached out to clasp the piece of paper that Jason offered. "Okay, they’re both there now? Did Chris say? Is he . . . is Jen okay?"

"No he's not okay, what do you expect? And before you ask, yes, Chris is pissed off and you're going to have to learn to live with that if you're sticking around because he gets like that from time to time. And be careful, don't rush Jensen, you know, being friends, **real** friends might actually be a good place to start, you don't necessarily have to rush into the whole 'I love you' speech."

"I guess . . . you're right of course. And he knows that really. Knows that every time I open my mouth, I put my foot in it. I guess I practically swallowed myself this time, huh?"

"Yeah and just remember, you talk a lot and he listens a lot and much as that works for the two of you, perhaps you need to gently even out that balance a little - he's good at appearing to talk but actually just prompting other people to talk more, believe me, I've had him do it to me and seen him do it to other people more often than I can count."

"Thank you, Jason. You've been a good friend, to him and to me. I don't know how I'm going to do this; I just hope it’s not too late."

"I'll call Chris and warn him you're on your way over and try to convince him not to take a knife to your balls. So if you escape with them intact, you can pull some extra shifts for me."

Jared nodded and drew in a deep breath, "kay, Jase, I will do, if I'm not here tomorrow I guess you'll know I've bled to death in their stairwell."


	16. </b> Patience and Persistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is just starting out as an Antiquarian bookdealer, when his mentor leaves him in the lurch he turns to the reclusive owner of a neighboring business for support and advice.

[   
](http://pics.livejournal.com/violetknights/pic/00012hfd/)

Chris hung up the phone and looked at Jensen, resigned. Jason had made it clear what he thought . . . very clear . . . and no matter what Chris thought he was now obliged to step back and let Jensen and Jared figure out the mess alone. Like that was going to go well! Jensen was curled into the corner of the couch, calmer at last, although he was still sniffing occasionally and his eyes were red-rimmed and still glistened with tears.

Chris looked at his friend's exhausted features, he was absolutely wrung out. Chris figured that maybe in the long run, letting all that pent up emotion out was probably going to have been good for him, but it didn't make it any easier to watch or pick up the pieces afterwards. Chris crossed to sit beside Jensen, "Hey, dude? How are you feeling?"

"K. Tired. I fucked up. Sorry."

"Hey, it's okay. It needed out. That doctor has been saying it was going to happen since you came round after the accident, so I figure to have lasted this long, you've done pretty well," Chris nudged his arm, teasingly, smiling in reassurance. "You're . . . you're okay though? Right? You don't need any pain meds or anything?"

"I didn't strain a muscle if that's what you're asking" Jensen tried to respond lightly and Chris' smile widened knowing that Jensen really was going to be okay.

"Jared's coming round. Jason's called to say he's on his way and that he needs me at the coffee shop."

"Jared can go to hell! I don't want to see him," Jensen’s voice was adamant as he eased himself forward on the seat, reaching for his crutches from the floor. "I'm going to bed."

"Jen! You can't do that, you know, Jason thinks it would be better if you and Jared talked, figured this out."

"Did I miss Jason taking some sort of relationship counseling course? No I didn't think so, so Jason knows fuck all, same as the rest of us. All I know is Jared can take a running jump for all I care and I _am_ going to bed." With that Jensen maneuvered up onto his crutches and made his way slowly down the hall to his room. Chris leant back on the sofa and closed his eyes waiting for Jared to arrive, because regardless of what Jason might have to say on the subject, he was more inclined to agree with Jensen on this score.

* * *

Jared hesitated outside the door, he knew Jason was right and this was where he needed to be but he so did not want to face an angry Chris right now. Reluctantly he raised his hand to knock, wondering if they'd even let him in or just punch him and slam the door in his face; it was what he deserved after all.

Chris heard the knock at the door and contemplated ignoring it, leaving Jared to sweat outside for a while. A moment or two passed before he gave in and pushed himself up from the couch and headed for the door, casting a contemplative glance at Jensen's closed door.

Jared heard the footsteps approaching from within and swallowed nervously, risking a reflexive step back.

Chris opened the door and stood firmly in the gap, unsmiling. "You wanted something?"

"Um, I need. . . well, Jason said . . . I mean can I see Jensen please?"

"Um . . . No!" Chris said sarcastically. "Give me one good reason why I should let you in."

"Look, I'm sorry I lost my cool earlier, okay? But I want to try and put it right. At least give me the chance to apologize!

Chris' finger came up and prodded Jared painfully in the chest as he spoke, "You! You _promised_ you weren’t gonna hurt him! You said give me a chance. He needs this! And as soon as he's done, you piss off!" Chris took a deep breath before starting again, "Why the hell shouldn't I just kick your ass and be done with it?"

"I don't know Chris, okay, honestly I don’t. I deserve it, I know that. But it was all so out of the blue, I just didn't know how to handle him when he was being so down on himself like that."

"Too right you deserve it. And what exactly makes you think you can fix anything now? What makes you think he's even going to want to listen? In actual fact, you know what, I don't know why we're wasting time, I can tell you now he doesn't want to know, okay? He's shut himself in his room because he knew you were coming because Jason called. So what do you suggest now?"

"I don't know, okay? But I know that if I wait for him to call me I might be waiting for ever. So I'm here and this is where my ideas have run out but I'll tell you one thing about me and Jen. We can talk to each other and it might take all night but if you just let me in eventually I'll say the right words and he'll listen. If you leave me out here it'll just be you and him locked in this crazy little odd couple thing you've got going on forever. And maybe that’s the whole point of you keeping me out here, huh? Maybe you like him only needing you; being so dependant on you he can't wipe his own ass!"

Chris delivered a very swift hard punch to Jared's jaw before he'd even finished speaking that left the taller man reeling. "If you think that's supposed to win me over and make me think letting you in is a good thing, you're more stupid than you look!"

Jared drew himself up to his full height until he was towering over Chris and backed him up against the wall, pinning him there with the full force of his weight, massive hands pressing down on Chris's shoulders. "I'll give you that one 'cos I know I was asking for it," he said icily. "So now you've got two choices, you keep me out and prove I'm right or you can let me in and let me talk to Jen. Up to you."

"Asshole!" Chris muttered, stepping sideways to shuffle out of Jared’s grip and letting Jared enter the apartment. "You've still got to get him to come out of his room. He's shut in there and he doesn't want to talk to you. What you gonna do? Hit him? Force him into doing what you want?" Chris sneered.

"I think you'll find that the only one doing any hitting here, Chris is you. I'm not the one trying to force anyone into doing anything it's not my style. As I keep telling you I . . . just . . . want . . . to talk! If I have to sit and talk to him through a door then that’s fine”

"Knock yourself out. That's his door; go talk to it all you want. If he's got any sense, he'll turn the volume up on the TV and tune you out altogether."

"Oh!" Chris' sudden capitulation knocked the wind out of Jared's sails, he watched the older man warily, still not entirely convinced that he wouldn't get punched again.

Chris folded his arms, and leant nonchalantly back against the wall, a smirk on his face as he watched to see what Jared would do now.

Drawing in a determined breath, Jared warily edged passed Chris and into the apartment. "Um, which is his room?" Chris pointed again at the closed door just down from where they were standing, but made no effort to move. Trying to look more certain Jared made his way across the room and knocked softly on the door that Chris had indicated.

"Jensen? Jen? It's me . . uh, Jared. I came to say . . . I came to see you." The two men stood watching the door, but just as Chris had predicted there was no response.

Trying to ignore Chris's knowing smirk Jared slid down the wall to sit on the floor beside the door. "So, I figured that since you're obviously not in the mood to talk to me I'd better talk to you. Thing is, I know I've been a dick, okay? I expected too much from you too soon but I'm here, I'm trying to figure out a way to put this right so here I am."

It was warm in the apartment so he stripped off his sweater and folded it on the floor beside him. "Man, it’s hot in here; I guess a cold one would go down real easy right about now. That's what we should be doing in heat like this, two Texas boys like us, well three if you count your bodyguard. Chucking some steaks on the barbecue, cracking open a few beers, shooting the shit like we could sort out the world’s problems if we were in charge."

"That’s what I always figured we'd be doing, if I ever got into your apartment, chilling out, talking, I haven’t forgotten that I said I'd teach you to play Madden. That’s what we should be doing, learning more about each other, making our friendship stronger, deeper. I thought we were so close you know, but talking to Jason made me realize it's pretty two dimensional."

"It's all the little stuff about you that I want to learn. I hate my eggs soft, when they're sill runny in the middle it makes me wanna puke. What do you like for breakfast? What music do you listen to? That sort of crap, that’s what we should be doing now. Just learning about each other. I want to share all the small stuff with you, the cool new CD I just bought, that I lost my job today . . .

  
Chris shifted and smirked knowingly at Jared as he looked across at him. He shrugged before saying, "Drop the latch on the door on your way out, I'd hate anyone to break in and do any damage while I was gone."

"Bye Jen, I'm off out now, afraid the Sasquatch is still camped outside your door and not shifting," he called, casting another patronizing smile in Jared's direction, before slipping on his shoes.

Jared looked curiously. "You're leaving?"

"So? You want me here?" Chris sniped.

"So, I didn't think you trusted him alone! Does that mean you're trusting me to look after him?"

"Looks to me like you're not doing a whole lot of looking after there, Sasquatch and you see, no matter what you think and no matter what he might have told you, I - _I_ know the truth about what happens in our home. And he's quite capable of looking after himself while I'm out so the only danger is you. And let me put it this way, I know where you work. I know where you live. You hurt him and you won't see the next one coming before you're seeing stars!"

Jared nodded slowly, accepting the truth in the other man's words. "Kay, well, thank you. And you can believe me or not but the only further damage I'll do is give him earache. Unless he comes out and tells me to my face that he wants me to leave then I'll still be here when you get back."

"Enjoy!" Chris called as he slipped out through the door and downstairs to the grocery store a couple of blocks down. Once he was out of the building he sent a text message to Jensen. "Jared sitting outside your door on floor. Have gone to grocery store. Will be sat outside with soda. Call if you need me."

Jared heard Jen's phone beep from inside the room as someone sent him a message and wondered which of the tight knit group of friends had sent it. If he'd blown it with Jensen he'd blown it with all of them. "So, did I tell you I lost my job today? Well, I think I have anyway. I kinda just walked outta the bookstore earlier, well I mean I locked up, I’m not totally stupid but you were more important. All I could think about was getting to you and stopping you from hurting. It broke me up inside, man to hear you cry on the phone like that. I swear all I wanted to do was help and instead I just made it all so much worse. You were right not to want to meet me; I always make such a fucking mess of everything."

There was the sound of movement on the other side of the door, but not a word was spoken. Jared breathed in again, he wished he'd thought to bring a drink with him. "So, anyway, I'm hoping you can hear me and haven’t just, I dunno left by another door or something 'cos that’s about the only thing that would make me feel even more of a giant dork right now. Just sitting here talking to an empty room while you and Chris sneak off somewhere and maybe it's what I deserve; only I think I've been punished already 'cos he landed me a pretty good one and you know I think my tooth is a little wobbly." Gingerly he probed it with his tongue and winced. "Yup, yes it is, see now I'm in pain too, so I guess maybe you could come out and poke the bruise or something if it would make you fell any better. Hell if it means you open that door you can knock out a few more teeth. Please Jen, I know I came on too strong and . . . well, if you don't like me that way then it’s cool, really it is. Your friendship means more to me than anything, I just want us to be friends again.”

Jared heard something thud to the floor beyond the door and a muffled "Shit!" before silence resumed.

"Jense? Jen? Are you okay? Please talk to me!" There was more movement and the next thing was the handle of the door sank as the door opened a fraction and Jensen muttered "Go and sit in the lounge. I'll be there in a minute," before shutting the door again.

Jared felt dizzy for a minute and it was almost too much effort to heave himself up from the floor, he hovered beside the door, uncertain of what to do for the best.

Jensen counted down from twenty and figured that was long enough for Jared to be out of sight of his room, then opened the door again and shifted through on his crutches, leaning back to close it again before he realized he was face to face with Jared and Jared had a clear view into his room, the room that was some sort of cross between a glorified hospital room and a physiotherapy set up with the bed that Jensen hated and all the contraptions he had had to use at various stages of recovery since his accident. "What are you doing there?!" he snapped, reaching for the door handle and slamming the door shut behind him.

Jared hung his head miserably, "Sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't . . . I mean, sorry."

"Are you trying to spy on me?" Jensen demanded, instantly defensive.

"No! Why the fuck would I do that? I didn't think you were really coming out if you must know. I was gonna sit down and talk to the damn door again!"

"Oh!" Jensen's anger deflated and the surge of energy that had accompanied his rage deserted him, leaving him unsteady on his crutches and in danger of losing his balance, so he hitched awkwardly towards the wall, hoping to lean against it while he took a few breaths to calm himself but as he settled back against the wall, one crutch slipped from his grasp and as he reached for it, he felt himself teeter, before slamming his hand against the wall firmly to stop the imminent fall.

Instinctively Jared reached out to steady him, one strong hand supporting Jensen's shoulder while the other grabbed the crutch as it fell. Jensen jerked back, before giving in and accepting the offered support.

Jared let Jensen set the pace, just grateful that maybe he'd managed to win a chance to redeem himself.

It was awkward, Jared was just so different to Chris, the help offered so unlike the way Chris had been shown how to support him at the hospital, but Jensen just shut his mouth and tried to make his way without leaning too heavily on Jared.

Jared was suddenly aware he'd never seen Jensen standing before, he hadn't even realized he could. Although he was tall, though not as tall as Jared he felt painfully light and fragile, Jared was afraid of letting him fall, of somehow hurting him worse. Part of him just wanted to pick Jensen up and carry him to the safety of the couch but he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he tried anything like that Jensen would never talk to him again. Instead he tried to hold Jensen more securely, gripping his arm so that the other man was steady but was still in control of the direction and pace he wanted to go in.

Jensen was relieved to make it to the lounge and be able to sit down. It was easier to pretend there was nothing the matter when he was sitting down. "You - you want a beer?" Jensen asked. "The kitchen's through there, help yourself, there's plenty in the cooler."

Jared licked his dry lips nervously, "Um, I . . . er, maybe. D'you want one?"

"A soda, yeah, thanks," Jensen wondered what he'd read into that, whether he'd realize that it wasn't just a simple choice, more a lack of any choice - the painkillers definitely didn't mix well with beer and right now Jensen really didn't need to be any less in control.

"I'd rather have a soda too," Jared said quickly, "I mean I'd rather if you would . . . I mean if there’s . . . if that's okay with you."

Jensen shrugged, eyes on his hands where they rested in his lap, wishing he could be doing something, anything that could distract at least part of his attention from the gnawing anxiety in his stomach.

Jared hovered, reluctant to leave. It was stupid really when he knew that Jensen wouldn't be able to go anywhere while he was gone. "I'm sorry, really sorry. I handled it all wrong this afternoon." He said abruptly. "I'd give anything to have a do-over."

"Ha!" Jensen let out a half gasped laugh, before saying quietly, "Me too."

Jared dropped to his knees in front of Jensen and grabbed both of Jensen’s hands to cover them in his own. Jared's hands were huge and warm and he tried to hold Jensen still within his grasp, to soothe away the anxious fidgeting and trembling movements. "Jensen, help me. I don't know what to say, okay? I'm only a couple of months out of college, my experience with . . . any type of relationship is pretty limited. I want to put this right more than anything but I'm afraid and I'm confused and I need my best friend back to tell me what to do!”

"You getting those sodas? Kinda parched here - I guess that's my fault, all that girly sobbing! I'm - I'm not always this pathetic. I'm sorry for . . ." He paused, looking up for the first time into Jared's eyes, "Everything. I never meant to not tell you, I tried at the hospital but you just talked so much and I couldn't find the right way to tell you and then . . . and then. . . ." Jensen looked away for a moment, before letting his eyes come back, the self-doubt in them clear.

"I know, I know. I talk too much. Yeah, parched, right." Jared was reluctant to let go of Jensen's hands. Liked the feel of them strong and calloused in his grasp. "I . . . Soda, right. Have you eaten? D'you need anything else?"

"Not right now, but help yourself, Chris has all the fixings for sandwiches and stuff in there and there's cookies in the jar near the kettle and fruit and stuff. My sister . . . my sister made the cookies, so you know, taking your life into your own hands and all that." Jensen's tone was light but his eyes were wandering away, the tension in his shoulders still there.

Slowly Jared released Jensen's hands and headed into the kitchen for soda, he kept looking back over his shoulder as though he was afraid Jensen would disappear.

With Jared out of the room, Jensen let his head drop forward into his hands, scrubbing furiously at the tears threatening to flow again. He didn't know where they were coming from, he was just exhausted now, not the same desolation that he'd felt earlier, nor the fear nor anger, just plain old exhausted and emotional with it.

Within moments Jared was back at his side, tumbling onto the couch and pulling him into his arms in one fluid movement. "Oh god, Jen. C'mere, just let me . . . fuck, Jensen. just give it up for a bit okay? Just forget about it all for a while. When I said I wanted my friend back I meant it, being your friend is the most important thing in my life right now. Just let me be here for you. Please?"

Jensen nodded, not resisting the embrace, not fighting the tears either but suddenly finding them less oppressive. The warmth of Jared's arms, the safe feeling that came with being wrapped up so completely, he found himself relaxing into Jared's hold, murmuring "I don't know where it's coming from?"

"I guess what Chris said. Stuff like that's got to come out sometime. It feels like crap now but you'll feel better for it tomorrow."

"I never meant there to be a wall, I never expected you to . . . to want to know _me_ ," he said the words so quietly he knew there was a chance Jared wouldn't have even heard them but he was torn between wanting to say them and wanting to bury everything that had gone before.

"Well, I guess maybe we both got stuff wrong on that front," Jared said in a soft drawl. He shifted his position a little so he could snag the single can of soda that he'd found then popped it open and handed it to Jensen. All in a one handed maneuver that meant he could still keep Jensen pressed against him in a secure embrace.

"I liked talking to you," Jensen said after sipping from the can.

"I know, but when you didn’t want to meet I thought that, well maybe you thought I was too much of a kid and were just being nice, or that one of the guys had told you what a giant dork I am or something."

"It wasn't that. Not at all. You struck me as," he paused," as someone I would have liked to have had as a friend if things were different. I know, you don't have to say it, I know you and Chris see things differently; you say the wheelchair doesn't matter but it does to me. It all feels different to me since. . . and I know you all think it's just me being stupid but none of you really know what it's like for me to be stuck with it."

"I know, I get that now. Jase kinda made me look at things differently. See what a dick I was being. Could you I dunno chalk it up to the arrogance of youth or something and let me start again? Just be friends for a while, real friends I mean. Where you come out with me like to the park and stuff, then when you tell me you're ready we could," he flushed, "go on a proper date or something." He grabbed the soda from Jensen and took a big gulp.

"We could be friends, real friends. I'd like that, I would but . . ." his voice broke and he shook his head, bringing one hand up to wipe his eyes with no attempt to move away or finish what he was saying.

Jared put the drink down and pulled Jensen back in close. "Enough talking tonight, it's too much. We've been through too much today. Just let me be here, now with you and we'll worry about everything else later."

"No, I . . . I need to tell you about this," he waved vaguely at the lower half of his body. "I want it out of the way." He breathed in deeply. "My spine was damaged in the accident, not broken. My legs were crushed and broken but I was lucky. I'm beginning to get back some strength in my legs. I have to go the hospital for physiotherapy and I do stuff here with Chris too. I've only had the crutches a few weeks. Things are normally fine, I'm not normally as clumsy as you've seen. They're hoping that I might be able to manage without the crutches, that it might heal enough for me to get around more. I take pills, painkillers, anti-inflammatory, lots of crap. I know you and Chris . . . listen please and hear me out. I was with Tom for five years, like Chris said, and the first time he cheated on me was about five months into the relationship. He was older then me and he was bright and chatty and he was the kind of guy every girl thinks they want to take to meet the parents. But when it was just us, it wasn't like that! Chris thinks I just read too much into things, I fixate on things and imagine the worst but it wasn’t like that. Tom really did have more that he could dish out.”


	17. Patience & Persistence (17/?) J2 AU Part two

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**Patience & Persistence (17/?) J2 AU Part two**   
_   


"Jare, I went out with Tom for five years and he told me for all of that time that I was lucky to have him, that I was lucky that he'd taken pity on me and that no one else would ever want me. I always knew that I wasn't good enough; he made sure I knew, made sure I knew why he put up with me. He used to despise . . .”

"Jesus, Jen!" Jared was anguished as he gripped his friend tighter, trying to offer comfort the only way he knew how.

“. . . me and tell me I had to be better. He tolerated me and that was all. I know Chris thinks I'm stupid, thinks I should know better and I try but it's just really hard to see what he sees as the truth, to believe it when you say you want to be my friend, but I'll just . . . I try I really do, but all I can see is what Tom would see."

"Open your eyes, Jen. I'm here, now. I . . . fuck if I had even an ounce of hope that you felt about me like I feel about you I'd worship you. Please, I know this is all too much, too soon but . . . Fuck, Jensen. You're gorgeous and you’re clever and you’re kind, and strong and so, so brave. Shh, now!" He put a finger to Jensen’s lips to stop the protest. "Just one step at a time, okay. Here and now, prove to us both how brave you are by giving me a chance. We'll work on the rest tomorrow."

"’K." Jensen went quiet, resting against Jared, enjoying the feeling of safety and protection that he found in Jared's arms. Chris might have fought a myriad of battles for him in the last year, but he'd never felt safe and like he didn't need to fight too. Here . . . now . . . in Jared's arms, he could almost believe there would be no more fighting. He found himself relaxing, lying less rigidly against Jared, relaxing and allowing his eyes to drift closed under the weight of the exhaustion of the day. Realizing his eyes were drifting, he jerked upward a fraction, caught in Jared's arm and flustered, "I - um . . ."

"Let it go, Jen. It's been a long day, just rest, just ‘til Chris get's back." Jared soothed Jen down again, rubbing soft gentle circles onto his shoulder.

"I should - you're visiting . . . I shouldn't . . . I stay like this and I'm going to fall asleep," he admitted.

Jared's face broke into a grin, "Did your Momma tell you it's rude to fall asleep on visitors?" he chuckled. "Jen, if I make you feel safe and comfortable enough that you can even think about falling asleep on me then you've given me more hope than I’ve a right to expect, 'kay? So just, let me enjoy it 'til your guard dog gets back."

"'s rude," Jensen yawned, "Shit, sorry."

"C'mere, sleepy." Jared sprawled back on the couch, pulling Jensen with him until they were both able to lie, twined together, Jared's broad hands supporting Jensen's back.

"Don't know why you put up with me?" Jensen muttered, shifting to find a more comfortable position, resting one ear over Jared's heart and finding the steady thrum soothing, sleep-inducing.

Jared kissed the top of his head, "Don't know why you put up with **me** ” he retorted, but very, very quietly, careful not to disturb Jensen. He found his own eyes closing as he listened to Jensen’s breathing, loving the feel of him, drowsy and warm in his arms.

When Chris risked returning to the apartment that was how he found them. He didn’t know whether to be angry because Jen’s back was going to give him hell when he woke up, or pleased because he'd not seen Jensen look so peaceful and relaxed in a very long time. Taking out his phone he took a picture of the two sleeping men and sent it to Jason with the message "Happy now?" before going into the kitchen to make dinner as quietly at possible.

Chris wanted to stay pissed at Jared but the contented smile on Jensen's face was worth more than the satisfaction he'd got from punching the kid earlier. Actually he felt a bit guilty for that. The kid was just scared and confused and Chris had been pretty heavy with him. Maybe he'd make dinner by way of a peace offering, flipping out his cell again he texted Jase, thinking that it would make things more relaxed if the other man was there. “Dinner at 8, bring dessert.” Then he set about seeing what they'd got he could actually cook. He opened the fridge, it was better stocked since they'd been trying to eat more healthily and tried to do a quick inventory. There was a package of chicken breasts and some spring onions, carrots, zucchini and mushrooms. The store cupboard yielded noodles and a tin of bean sprouts. Closing the kitchen door so as not to wake the sleeping beauties Chris washed his hands and found the chopping board. He worked neatly and efficiently, chopping each thing into its own tidy little heap of matchstick sized pieces. It was oddly soothing, the sound the knife made had a rhythm all its own, he could almost hear the guitar melody in his head that would overlay it perfectly. When everything was prepared he checked his watch, still another 20 minutes until Jason was due to arrive. Just time to grab a shower and change.

Jason knocked at the door, slightly nervous. He kept reminding himself that it couldn't be too bad or Chris wouldn't be inviting him for dinner. Then again . . . subterfuge, he had given Jared their address, Chris would know that it was him. If it had gone badly, then Chris could be waiting on the other side of the door with a knife ready to castrate him . . . Maybe he should have brought Steve along for moral support or . . . or called to say he was busy or . . . maybe he should have just booked a flight and emigrated to Mongolia. Chris could be one mean fucker when the mood took him.

Jensen shifted at the sound of knocking on the front door. That wasn't right. . . why would someone be knocking at the door? Chris should have a key. He shifted again, still not fully awake, aware of warmth beside him. It was that warmth that had his eyes suddenly snapping open. "J - Jared!" he stuttered out, pushing himself a fraction backwards, wondering what the hell he was doing sprawled over Jared and why the hell hadn’t Jared stopped him. "Fuck!" he gasped out. He attempted to push himself away, only to have his attention drawn to the arms around him holding him in place.

"Easy tiger," Jared whispered softly, "you need to sit up real slow so you don't twist your back, I've got you, 'kay?"

"What happened?" he asked voice hushed. "Why am I. . .? Why'd you let me . . . let me fall asleep on _you_?" he sounded truly startled. The sound of more knocking on the door reminded him of what had actually woken him and he made another attempt to sit up, only to flinch and wince as he felt a twinge of pain at the movement. "Ow!" he let out the small sound and let his head drop forward to rest on Jared's shoulder for a moment without thinking about it. "I need to get that," he murmured without moving.

"I'll get that, " Chris cut in, "You two sweethearts can just sit and snuggle or y'know wash up ready for dinner, whatever. That's Jase with dessert."

"Shit!" Jensen muttered, trying again to move away, grateful but embarrassed, as Jared helped him shift round so he could get his feet on the floor and maneuver himself up.

Jared gave him a small grin then handed him the crutches. "D'you think I'm invited for dinner? Cos did you see this?" He indicated his jaw that felt hot and swollen, the loosened tooth throbbing slightly. "I'm not sure that I'm Chris' favorite person right now."

"I shoulda got you some ice," Jensen sounded guilty as he looked at the darkening bruise. "You need a dentist?"

"Nah, I'm good. Could do with freshening up though."

"The bathroom's right down the hall on the left," Jensen said as he levered himself upright onto his crutches, a slight grimace at the stiffness he felt in all of his muscles crossing his features before he schooled his face calm again. "I'll see you back here in a few, okay?"

Jared placed his hand on the small of Jensen’s back, just let it rest gently, radiating warmth and support. "You don't have to hide anything from me, Jen. If it hurts, it's okay to say so." he murmured softly.

"It's okay, it's - it's not bad. It's nothing really."

"You're a crappy liar." Jared looked over to where Jason was leaning in the doorway of the kitchen watching Chris cook. "Um, don’t be too long, please. Your friends scare me."

"Don't worry, Jason likes you," he smiled. "And Chris works on the element of surprise when he's tackling someone as tall as you. He wouldn't be counting on getting another hit in without you expecting it."

Jared didn't look convinced but headed off in the direction of the bathroom. As soon as he was out of sight, Chris said, "You okay, dude? This what you want? Or did he just wear you down by talkin' at you?"

"It's fine. He's okay, you can ease up on him and . . . I'm sorry about earlier. I'm gonna go wash up myself now." He didn't give Chris time to say anything about the apology before he turned away and started forward. He tried to work out what meds he'd already had that day and wondered if he had any painkillers left in his room to counter the stiffness, so he could relax and run the inevitable interference between Chris and Jared. No way was Chris going to play it easy, not when he'd had time to plan and plot.

* * *

Jared timidly came back into the living room where he tried to catch Jase's eye. "Thank you," he mouthed, trying not to attract Chris's attention.

"So beer?" Chris asked without turning round. "You'll have one right?"

"Um, yeah, sure. Thank you as long as you guys are having one too."

"Got mine already," Jason smiled encouragingly. "So you up for eating one of Chris' mad concoctions?"

"Well, it's been a long day. I am kinda hungry. It sure smells pretty good." The sound of a door closing followed by Jensen's crutches moving down the hall slowly could be heard above the sizzle of the ingredients in Chris' wok. Jared looked eagerly for his friend’s arrival, knowing that he had to hold himself in check and not rush to Jensen's side however much he wanted to.

"Hey," Jensen said quietly when he made it into the kitchen. "Everybody okay?"

Chris didn't look up from his cooking as he added a glug of soya sauce and then started to drip in the chili sauce a drop at a time. "It'll be ready in a minute. You gonna have a beer? The Doc said one would be okay."

"Um . . ." Jensen looked down at the floor, he hadn't had any painkillers left in his room, he didn't want to make a fuss about needing one and hunting in the kitchen cabinet which also contained meds, but drinking would rule out having one. He contemplated trying to hold out, hope that the beer would soften the pain but figured it probably wasn't worth it, not when he was the centre of attention and at least two of his companions knew him well enough that he wouldn't really be able to conceal the pain."

"I think you've still got soda left," Jared said softly.

"Yeah, soda would be good," he smiled gratefully at Jared.

Jared fetched the can and handed it to his friend, glad of an excuse to stand close to him. There was something about Chris's whole demeanor that had always caused Jared to be wary about him. "This is just about done, you go sit down." Chris said, “Jase, can you find the forks and stuff? Jensen and his . . . guest can go make themselves comfortable."

Jensen ushered Jared out of the room first and through to sit at the table. Once Jared was sitting down, he said, "I'll be right back, I just need to . . . to check on something with Chris and I'll be back." He turned abruptly hurrying back into the kitchen, just as Jason was coming out. He bypassed the other man and closed the kitchen door behind him, taking a deep breath as he did. "Chris, I . . . we're okay, me and him, please, you know, be nice?" Jensen fell silent as Chris gave him a moment's glare. He waited then added, "Please."

Chris grunted. "He promised, Jen, he fucking promised. Said he wouldn't hurt you and five minutes later he's out the door. What reason have I got to be nice to him?" he said gruffly.

"I fucked it all up first. You know that."

"Huh, well. That's different."

"Different how?" Jensen asked warily.

"I dunno," Chris muttered moodily, adding noodles into the wok and stirring them rather too vigorously. "It, you, ah fuck! Let's eat. I haven’t had enough to drink for this sort of conversation."

"Please don't take it out on him, for me?" Jensen requested. While Chris was intent on the contents of the pan, Jensen moved round him to the cupboard with the meds in, opening the door hoping to quickly find the painkillers he was looking for, hoping that he could get them taken without Chris noticing. His hand on the door, the door creaked ominously and Chris looked round.

"Jen? Fuck, man, are you okay? What do you need? You wanna go to bed - I can bring your food into you on a tray?" he said anxiously.

"I'm fine, just stiff. You know I just need . . . I'm fine to eat with the rest of you. I'm just out of the pain meds in my room and so . . . but . . . it's fine, please, just let me . . ." Jensen rambled to a close.

"Okay, I'll back off, sorry. This is where Steve would say I was babying you isn't it? Jen, I'll try okay? Just. I'm used to being the one you need, the one you rely on. He'll have to work pretty hard to prove that he's man enough for the job." Chris reached up and fetched the pills Jen needed. "I . . . I shouldn't have hit him, should I?"

"I dunno, Chris. I really don't. I'm not going to stop relying on you. He's a friend, that's all. I know the whole sleeping thing you must think we're like . . . but we're not like that. He's a friend just like Jase and Steve. Chris, I'm not looking for anything more, you've got to understand that. I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not looking to replace Tom, I'm not looking for anything. My life's fucked up enough without adding that into the mix."

"You might not be . . ." Chris started.

"Friends! Chris, you know it's possible to be friends with someone! Not everything has to be about . . . about _sex_!" The final word was barely whispered as Jensen's cheeks flushed pink.

"Open your fucking eyes, Jen. The kid is nuts about you and yeah, he's taking it slow right now because Jase told him too but he wants more, it's obvious the way he looks at you."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Jensen frowned. "You should watch that before it burns!" He quickly dry-swallowed the pills and headed to the door again, growling in frustration as he tried to open the door and get round it before the door was fully open, whilst not catching his crutches on anything that would lead to him faceplanting rather too conspicuously for anybody's liking.

Jared looked up and smiled happily as Jensen returned. His whole face transformed suddenly by the genuine pleasure that made his eyes sparkle and his dimples appear. "Hey dude, I was just starting to get worried that Chris was making you do the washing up or something!"

"No just checking he isn't getting distracted and burning anything. Jason could tell you a story or two about Chris getting distracted while cooking!" Jensen made it to the table and started to try to balance one crutch while pulling out the chair to sit on. Jared pulled the chair out for Jensen and helped him sit down, carefully propping the crutches where Jensen would be able to reach them if he needed them.

"Thanks," Jensen blushed at the attention.

"So I hope you're all ready for something to eat," Chris said loudly as he came through from the kitchen, "Because, Jared, no matter what stories these two have attempted to tell you about my cooking, you'll notice that neither of them are starving or refusing to be present at a meal, which means it must be good."

"Well, as long as I don’t have to chew too much I'm sure it'll be fine," Jared said pointedly.

Chris shrugged nonchalantly, as he set the food down. "You could quit whining and then it'd be more like you were a man, you know, rather than just a big girl!"

"Chris!" Jensen glared angrily. "Stop being an ass!"

"Jared knows I'm only joking," he replied with another shrug.

"Yeah, it’s cool," Jared shrugged back. "Cos it takes a certain level of intelligence to respond with words rather than fists. I get that the level of humor is bound to also be on a more simian level."

"Okay! Both of you back off now!" Jason said firmly. "Chris, you're the one who decided on dinner, so treat _your_ guests properly. Jared, he's an ass and so were you, now rise above it and let it go, because Jensen and I would like to be able to enjoy the food and if you two can't behave then we'll go out and leave you to it."

Jared and Chris exchanged glances, "Truce?" Chris offered. Jay nodded and Chris finally began to serve up the food.

  



	18. Chapter 18

Jared hovered in the doorway, after the intensity of everything that had happened between them during the day it seemed wrong somehow to just go. He wanted to never let Jensen out of his sight again, but failing that he wanted a proper goodbye with hugs and promises to meet up again soon. It wasn't very likely though, not with Jason increasingly anxious to get back to the coffee shop and Chris watching them like a particularly butch chaperone.

Jensen maneuvered forward cautiously on his crutches, tired enough again for it to be a struggle. He was cautiously watching where he put them down each time and so it wasn't too difficult to make sure he plonked one down on top of Chris' foot causing him to yelp and jump backwards, clearing the way to Jared quite efficiently.

"Watch where you're going with those!" Chris snapped.

Jared moved forward uncertainly, hating to see Jensen struggle.

"Jare, you know I just wanted to say thanks for everything today. I . . . I can't get over how much shit you've put up with from me." He started out looking at Jared, but by the time he finished speaking, his eyes were firmly directed at Jared's knee joints.

"I dunno, I gave plenty back," Jared muttered, he wished that Chris and Jase would just disappear, he suddenly felt overwhelmed by the things he wanted to say but too constrained by their presence to say any of it.

"You - You'll maybe come round again? Properly," Jensen prompted.

"I'd like that," Jared said shyly.

"Yeah, me too." He shifted his weight onto one crutch and then offered his hand to shake. Jared gripped Jensen’s hand tightly in his own, aching to close the gap between them. Jensen held on for a moment and then pulled his hand back and shifted his attention to Jason. "Thanks for coming round, man."

"It was good, Jen. We'll do it again and soon. If I lend you my Sasquatch here to look after you, you gonna come to music night on Friday?"

Jensen paused, eyes dropping again without answering. He turned his attention back to Jared, "You should get that looked at," his hand twitched in the direction of Jared's jaw.

Jared raised his hand to his face, prodding gingerly at the tender flesh. He shrugged, "Yeah, I guess."

"Soon?" he said, the word alone a question and Jared was sure it wasn't his face Jensen was referring to now.

He finally, felt himself relax enough to smile. "Soon," he promised. Jensen nodded and gave a small smile, turning away on his crutches and slowly padding away again deeper into the apartment.

Jared clapped his hand on Jason's shoulder, "Come on then boss, Sophia's already stayed an hour late, we'd better get going or we'll be on tomorrow’s menu!"

"Take care both of ya," Chris muttered gruffly. "We'll see ya soon. Dunno if he'll make Friday night yet though," he added with a toss of the head in the direction that Jensen had gone.

With a final goodbye Jared and Jason hurried off, although Jared had been joking, both men had a healthy respect for Sophia's fiery nature and knew better than to push her too far.

* * *

Chris turned back into the apartment after closing the door and trailed slowly in the direction Jensen had gone, not sure what they were going to have to say to each other, not sure of anything anymore.

"Chris? You okay?" Jensen asked quietly as Chris hovered in the doorway to Jensen’s bedroom. Jensen's head dropped and he bit on a nail as he waited for Chris to answer. When Chris didn't break the silence, he murmured, "Sorry, Chris."

"Nah, I should be the one apologizing," Chris said gruffly. "I shouldn't have hit him."

"My fault."

Chris' face broke into a grin, "and here was me thinking things had changed!" he teased. "Nah, sorry dude, I am not letting you take the blame for this one. It's been building up for months, Jen. I knew it was coming so when it did I had no right to blame him. I was being a pissy bitch, is all."

Jensen caught and tried to conceal a guilty yawn. "Sorry, I - I. . .!” He shrugged his shoulders, "I should do my exercises and then maybe call it a night.”

 

"You want some help?" Chris' offer was tentative, he knew Jen was perfectly capable of doing them alone but he hoped maybe his friend would understand what Chris was trying to say with his offer. That he was still there for him, that regardless of how things panned out with Jared, Chris would always be Jensen’s best friend.

"Please," was the quiet response.

Jensen watched as Chris set up for the first of the exercises, wondering how to go about asking the question that was on his mind. "Chris?" He waited until the other man looked up. "Do you . . . Would you . . . I mean it doesn't really matter either way. . ." He fell silent for a moment before asking, "Do you know w - what happened to my guitar?"

"Well, I might be able to lay my hands on it, why?"

Jensen closed his eyes, unsure of what he was doing, unsure of the reaction he might get. "I was thinking, I was thinking I might see if they could fix it. I mean maybe they can't, maybe I should stop hanging on to the past and just throw it out but if they could, then I - I might." Chris could see the anxiety on his face before he could get the words out. "Tom's opinion - it - it doesn't matter, right? It doesn't matter anymore, so I - I could maybe try to play again . . . one day," he added finally, breathlessly.

Chris smiled gently, showing a softer side of his nature that only came to the fore at times like this. "Jen, if you knew how long I've hoped you'd say that. It's in my room, Jen all fixed up, good as new. Steve and I had it done for your birthday but it wasn't the right time back then to let you have it."

"You did?" Jensen choked on unexpected emotion and tears that he had thought were dried up for good. "My guitar . . . Chris." He reached forward trying to step unsupported to Chris without thinking. Good fortune had Chris' reactions quick enough to catch him and hold him as he wrapped his arms round Chris' neck and sobbed, "My guitar! Thank you, thank you, thank you. He took it from me, Chris, he took it."

Chris choked back a sob, "I'm sorry, Jen, I'm so sorry. I should have, Fuck it! I should have seen what he was doing, I should have stopped him, Jen. I'm just so sorry."

The two men held tight for a few minutes more before Jensen tried to pull back only to realize then that he needed Chris' support or he was going to fall. "Um, I - shit!"

"You do still need me," Chris teased shakily.

"Yeah, I do and it's not going to change. He's not going to change that, Chris. He's just gonna be a friend, please?"

"Well, it's him you've got to convince of that, not me. But, for what it's worth he's a good guy, okay? The way he looked after Sophia when she cut herself, the way he looks out for the regulars at Jase's? I know I gave him some shit tonight but he's okay."

"I - I'm not looking to replace Tom. I don't want it to be like that again,." Jensen admitted softly, grateful as Chris helped him sit on the edge of the bed, waiting until Jensen was settled back on the bed properly before letting go completely and then moved down the bed to help support the leg as Jensen worked on the repeated movements that would build the muscle strength.

* * *

In the subdued lighting of the bedroom with just the sidelight on to read by and the TV flickering with repeats of Criminal Minds, Jensen flicked open his cell phone and began to type a message. "Did u get ur face checked? Is everythg ok?"

Jared snatched up his phone as soon as he heard the beep of the message. Ever since he'd got back from the coffee shop he'd been itching to call but Jason had made him promise again to take it slow. Still, if Jensen had messaged first then that was different, surely. It would be worse to not call back if Jensen was worrying about him. He hit the speed dial that was Jensen’s number.

"Jay?! You okay?!" Jensen sounded panicked when he answered.

"Yeah, I'm fine, really. I went to the ER on the way home from Jase's and its fine. My tooth isn't loose enough to come out so it'll probably replant itself. I got antibiotics just in case so it doesn’t get infected. Your boy packs a mean punch for an old, short dude!"

"You called! I wasn't expecting that, I thought maybe . . . god, I was worried Jared, I was worried that . . . Shit, I'm sorry he hit you. You know that, right?"

Jared smiled, so like Jensen to be worrying about everyone else. "I wasn't going to call," Jared admitted. "I was afraid to crowd you. It was all pretty intense this afternoon and I thought maybe, well maybe you just gave in to shut me up. I was afraid you'd think I was bullying you like . . . like Tom did."

"B-bully me?" Jensen was shocked. "What do you mean? I - He - He knew best most of the time. You think. . ." Jensen stopped, thinking carefully about what he'd been about to say before restarting. "Do you think he bullied me? Do you think I let him do that?"

"I . . . I . . . I guess I don't know for sure, I wasn't there but it sounded like it to me from all you and Chris said this afternoon. Maybe you should ask Chris." He paused, framing his words carefully. "Jen, I know it's hard but . . . don't stop talking now you've started, okay? It's . . . Well, anytime you need to talk I'll listen. I . . . fuck, Jason said to take it slow and I will, I swear but . . . please know whenever you’re ready, whatever you want from me . . . I'm here," his voice dropped to a barely audible whisper, "I'm yours."

"Chris had my guitar fixed. He and Steve," Jensen was aware it probably sounded like a change of subject, but knew that trying to get Jared to understand what it meant might actually make it clearer even to himself.

"Yeah? That's awesome! Would you . . . would you play for me some day. I don’t mean back at the coffee bar or anything, just us. I'd love to hear you play."

“I - I said that I would - would teach you." His voice dropped even quieter, "If that's what you want.”

"Oh!" Jared let out a happy, breathy little sigh. "Please, I'd love that so much. When . . . I mean not that I'm trying to rush you or anything . . . I mean . . . sorry."

"I don't know I mean . . . I should practise some, I guess, I've not played in - in . . . Jay, it's been - it's been nearly 18 months!"

"Sorry, I'm sorry. I get too enthusiastic sometimes, I don’t think."

"Fuck! Jay it's all been such a fucking mess for so long. He - Everything I did . . ." There was the sound of ragged breathing. "You were right . . . I never thought of it like that, but I guess you're right . . . I was weak and I let him bully me for so long.”

"Not weak, Jen I swear. You loved him and you stayed with him and you built your business and you kept your friends despite him. I . . . I think you're amazing." he added shyly.

"I don't know, Jay."

"Shit, I'm going too fast again, aren't I? Look, just think about it okay? You trust Chris right? andAnd Jase and Steve? You trust their opinion?"

"Yeah."

"Well, then. If you weren’t someone worth knowing, worth being around they wouldn't still be here, would they? Don't . . . you don't have to answer, Jen, just think about it. They're good guys . . . even Christian! And you're one of them."

“Things will be okay, right? In the end, they'll be okay?"

"I hope so, more than anything but I guess nobody ever knows for sure. We just trust and and do the best we can. Jen . . . I . . . I love talking on the phone with you don't get me wrong, but times like these, I hate it, hate that we're apart, that I can't hold you. This afternoon - on the couch, that was the best feeling ever, we were together and you trusted me enough to relax like that? That was amazing. I just wish . . . well, it’s going to be hard to get to sleep alone tonight.”

"Oh!" was all that Jensen could say, feeling anxious and unsure about what Jared was saying, but not wanting to upset their friendship.

"Sorry, sorry, I've put my foot in my mouth again haven't I? I swear I won’t rush you Jen, okay?"

"Jared . . ." Jensen choked on his words, how could he say what needed to be said. Jared was a young man, gorgeous; he would have needs that he would need to have met and Jensen. . . Want and desire would have nothing to do with it.

Jared felt desperate, he could almost feel Jensen mentally pulling away.

"Jensen. . . please?"

Jared swallowed, his throat felt raw, he realized he'd spent most of the day trying to talk to Jensen, to get through to him how rare and precious Jared felt the bond between them was. Jared knew it was worth fighting for, he just didn’t know any longer if he could make Jensen see it too. Too afraid to put the phone down and risk Jen getting upset again Jared was all out of answers. He just clutched the phone like a lifeline and breathed tiny, shallow gasps as the full impact of the day’s events began to wash over him.

When Jensen finally spoke, the words were clear and filled with brutal honesty, "Jay . . . you . . . I might never be able to . . . to work . . . down - down there. I know right now that's not what you’re thinking of. I know that but just for me, imagine that for life, I . . .

Jay felt himself flush with color, "I never. . . never. . ." he choked unable to continue.

"Don't say it won't matter, because it will . . . or it might. Today has shown me how important you are to me. I don't want to lose that, not ever! I want us to be friends, Jay, please?"

"We **are** friends! You just . . . you’re pushing me away, you're writing the very possibility of anything off because you're scared. I get that, I really do . . . " Jared tried to hold it together, to keep the quiver out of his voice but he was unable to prevent the strangled sobs from appearing. The emotion of the day, Chris' antagonism, Jared's own worries about Jensen had left him feeling battered and defenseless, physically and emotionally.

"I'm not pushing you away, I promise.  It's just . . . I want _you_ to be my friend . . . I - I don't want to mislead you, I don't want you to think we could be something and then I let you down.  If - If you wanted us to be more than just friends, maybe I'm getting this wrong, but if you did and I couldn't - couldn't, I'd lose you and Jay, I don't want to lose you."

"Sorry, it’s been a long day; I should let you get to sleep. I'm being stupid; of course your friendship means more to me than anything else." Jared's voice was flat, drained.

"I've upset you?" Jensen sighed, wracking his brain how to fix the mess he'd made.  Jared had spent the whole day talking about being honest, yet he felt like every time he tried to be honest he pushed Jared further and further away and he didn't know how to fix it. "I'm so sorry, Jared.  Please believe me."

"Oh Jen," Jared knew he was tired and overwrought, he'd felt so good waking up with Jen in his arms, he couldn’t believe that he was being pushed away again now when they were just getting close.

"I don't know how to get this right Jay, please tell me what you want me to do.  I'm just fucking this all up and I don't mean to. Please, god, please help me."

"Jen . . . it's okay, man, I swear. I know I'm rushing things, I know you’re not ready for another relationship yet. I'm sorry . . . I've been on my own too long. Friends is good, I swear. I'll come round tomorrow evening okay? Just for a guitar lesson, I'll bring my Play station and kick your ass at Madden. We'll start again, take it slow . . . but Jen, you've got to promise me one thing. If something more is there between us than just friends you won’t push me away because you think I'll need sex or something that you can’t give me."  
   
"Jay, I want to get this right . . . you and me . . . I want to get it right."  
   
"We will, we'll take our time. We've both got ghosts to lay to rest first."  
   
"I don't mean to . . . when I push, I - I don't really want you to leave . . . not - not for good.  I'll try, I'll try not to do it, I promise, it's just . . . I don't wanna fuck my life up anymore and I don't wanna fuck up yours either, but I guess I'm, huh, I guess I'm pretty screwed up,." he finished sadly.

"Nah, you’re just having a pretty normal reaction to a horrible situation. I think we can safely say I no longer have a life so it would be kind of hard to fuck it up. Did I tell you I kinda walked out of Sam's today? So I’ve gotta be nice to you or Jase will fire my ass as well then I'll have to go take up Chad's offer of sleeping on his couch! You so do not want to be responsible for that happening. Apart from anything else it's fuchsia!  
Can you imagine me having to sleep on Chad's pink couch while he has a whole procession of twinks and Paris Hilton wannabees trailing through?  
   
"You could sleep on ours?  I can talk Chris round.  And the job thing, you know there's hope with one of the guys I gave your work to, he seemed interested.  He was going to get back to me in a couple of days, but I could follow it up and see if he's got any more thoughts if you wanted."

“Jen, you're amazing, you know that right? But I don’t think I’d get any sleep on your couch - I'd be too scared that Chris was gonna beat me up! I'm okay, I've got my traveling money I can dip into if I have to and . . . well, I don’t want to be going away now anyway, I'd like to see if we've got a chance. I'm sure Jase will give me a couple more shifts; I’d like to be there to see you do the book group. I'll be your bodyguard and fight off all the MILF's for you!”  
   
"Jay?" Jensen's mind whirled with thoughts, plans, and he wasn't sure where to start or whether to leave things as they were for now.  "Jay, are you alright tonight?  I - I could come round if you wanted. We're friends, right?  And you don't have to be on your own."

"Jen, it means so much to me that you offered but I’m not going to drag you out tonight. I know you've got my back, man. It’s good to know we can still count on each other. I . . . we need to process everything that happened today. I need to take the stuff they gave me in the ER ‘cos my face is throbbing like fuck now. How about we both sleep on it? I'll call you in the morning and if you're up to it I'll bring some bagels and stuff round for brunch. Since I don’t have to be a slave to the alarm clock any more!"  
   
"If you're sure. . . Night Jare. I'll speak to you in the morning, but if you need anything just call me.  I'll help."

"I know, thank you. Thank you for putting up with me even when I’m headstrong and foolish and have my foot in my mouth more often than out of it."

"G'night, Jay."

“Night Jen, sleep well.”

* * *

Chris was hovering in the doorway between the lounge and the kitchen, half listening to the conversation Jensen was having with his mother on the phone.  "No, Mom.  I'm sorry but something's come up, Chris and I, we have a couple of friends coming for lunch today so we can't come out to you."  There was a pause while his mother obviously gave her opinion on them skipping out on Sunday lunch again.  "Yes, I know Mom, I know. . . . Yeah, I know I've stopped Chris coming for lunch a few times recently but honestly, we're doing something with friends, Mom!"  Jensen turned to look over his shoulder at Chris with exasperation. "You want to talk to Chris, he'll tell you the same as me, Mom," he sighed.  "No Mom, I'm not just sitting around the apartment, not eating and never going out."  He rolled his eyes and pointed at the phone, trying to convince Chris to speak to his mom and back him up.

Chris grinned and took the phone. "Hey Momma Ackles, you know he's actually telling the truth. Thursday he did the book group, we had friends to dinner last night and he's got this big ole' puppy dog coming to play today. Funny looking thing it is - all arms and legs but totally devoted to your boy!" A wicked grin and a throaty chuckle in Jensen’s direction. "Yes ma'am, I'll make sure he's there next Sunday, bring the puppy? I'm sure it'll still be around; it does seem kinda tenacious. . . . no ma’am, I mean yes, ma’am I am making sure he eats. Obviously not up to the same standard as you!"  
   
Jensen rolled his eyes in exaggerated despair, just as there was a knock at the front door.  Grabbing his crutches from the floor, he levered himself upright and began to make his way to the door, leaving Chris to finish up on the phone call, calling out "Bye Mom, visitors are here, so I'll talk to you later," as he went.

Jared looked tired and hollow eyed, the bruise on his jaw standing out in stark relief. The grin he gave Jensen was blinding though and he seemed to have regained some of his usual bounce. He held out a paper sack, "Brunch, I bought blueberries and bacon and syrup. I figured we could make pancakes?"

"Sounds good," Jensen smiled.  "You okay?  You're looking a little . . . um . . . tired?"  He started to turn round to head back into the apartment. "You don't mind carrying that into the kitchen for me.  I can do the pancakes once we're there; I'm just . . . um . . . not so good at balancing stuff when I've got the crutches."

Jensen led the way back toward the kitchen, past Chris who was still trying to wind up the conversation with Jensen's parents.  Chris' eyes came up and saw the relaxed expression on Jensen's face, although Jared's looked a little wary as the younger man seemed reluctant to meet his eyes.

"Morning, Chris," Jared muttered, edging past. In the kitchen though he was relaxed and joking as he unpacked his bag of goodies. "I bought the cheating kind, it’s already in a little bottle, see. All we have to do is shake it up, but I got loads of cool stuff to put in them. D'you like chocolate chips? I do, I mean I like gummi bears best but Sandy never lets me put them in pancakes 'cos she says it wrecks the pans."

"Gummi bears?  Never tried that, better keep your voice down though, Chris is trying to convince my mom that we don't need to go for lunch today and that we are eating 'real' healthy!  If she got wind of gummi bears, she'd be down here in an instant."

"Hey, I brought blueberries, they're a superfood!"

"So where's this bottle that needs shaking then?"  Jensen started to rummage through the bag finally coming out with the bottle of pancake mix and beginning to read the instructions on the back of the bottle.  With a nod he set the bottle down on the counter and headed for the fridge to fetch the milk.  After adding the milk, he carefully screwed the top on and then shifted his weight to lean against the edge of the cupboard counter as he began to shake the bottle.

"I got two," Jared offered, "I mean, I figured **he** would be here too and I eat plenty!"  
   
"You know how to win him over," Jensen smiled, "But you're going to have to do that one, there's no way I can shake two bottles and stay on my feet!"   Jensen stopped shaking the bottle and reached for the milk and began to lift it to pass it to Jared.  He hadn't quite got his balance and as the one crutch he was using began to slip, he started to fall, only for Jared to step closer and keep him upright.

Jared steadied him with one huge hand and grabbed the milk with the other. He made no comment on it, just seemed to use it as an excuse for standing closer to Jen. As they worked together Jared chuckled as he recounted stories of some of Chad's more outrageous antics. His hands were so big, they should have been clumsy but instead he was deft and sure as he sprinkled the fruit into the batter and then flipped them while Jensen cooked the bacon.  
   
Chris stood silent and unnoticed at the door, watching the exchange between the two men in front of him, he felt a wave of relief that maybe, just maybe, things could work out for the best.  
   
"Oh, I should put the coffee machine on.  If we want Chris to be vaguely human today, we should start the IV drip now!" said Jensen  
   
A growl behind him drew his attention to Chris standing in the door and Jensen flushed guiltily.  "I'll get it, looks like you're already got your hands full there both of you!" Chris said as he crossed the room.  "So Sasquatch, obviously I know how Jen takes his coffee, what's your poison?  Man's coffee, girly frothy stuff or tar?"

"Bring it on Sshortstuff - I'll take it as strong as you can brew it!"  
   
Jensen let his head drop with a shake, wondering if Jared realized quite what he was letting himself in for.  "You could regret that, Jay," he leant closer in to say quietly.  
   
"Man, I've had to stay awake to nurse Chad through more scrapes than you've had hot dinners, If I couldn't have caffeine strong enough to strip paint I'd never have survived. Bring it on!!!!"  
   
At Jared's response, Jensen shrugged and said, "On your own head . . . on your own head."  He turned to back to Chris, "I don't want it that strong, I'll leave that stuff to you two macho men.  What do you feel you like having in your pancakes, Chris?"

"I've just done them all the same," Jared grinned, "Chocolate chips, peanut butter chips and blueberries with syrup and a couple a sides of bacon.  
   
Chris raised his eyebrows a fraction in surprise but kept his mouth shut, as he made the coffee and set cutlery on the table.  Once the pancakes were ready, he helped Jared carry the plates to the table as Jensen made his way carefully behind.

Jared piled the plates high, adding a neat pile of bacon to the stacks of pancakes and then pouring a generous measure of syrup over the whole lot.

"You got a high metabolic rate or something?" Chris asked, only apologizing when Jensen glared and almost stabbed him with a fork.

Jared just grinned happily, "Well, Shortstuff. I guess I just need man-sized portions."

Jensen felt his stomach twist anxiously at the bickering between Chris and Jared, but as he looked at both they seemed relaxed so he told himself all was fine and tried again to relax.  He smiled nervously at Jared, praying inside for reassurance, hoping that Jared had no idea the worry that Jensen was under. “So - uh - so what are you doing today?" Jensen asked, eyes firmly on his plate.  
"Your wish is my command!" Jared teased. "We could play computer games for a while or watch a movie, I really don't mind."

" _He_ is brain-dead from lack of oxygen," Chris responded before Jensen had time to frame a reply. "He needs to go out for a walk; I figured we could all go."

"Sounds cool. I like going to the park down past Jase's place. There's always nice dogs there, I like dogs. Kinda . . . well it stops me missing my own so much,"

"'s a long way," Jensen muttered as he took another bite of the pancake and bacon on his own plate.

"Well, you haven't got to walk it!" Jared's hand flew to his mouth "Fuck! Sorry, I . . . Fuck!"

Chris laughed, "Exactly! You’re not gonna win this argument Ackles, You've not got a leg to stand on," he finished with an ear-splitting grin..

Jared patted Jensen's arm awkwardly, "Sorry, I'm not trying to gang up on you. It'll be cool, I swear. We don't have to stay out for long, just see how you feel. We could even call in at the Coffee shop on the way back if you want to - I'll make you the best goddamned coffee of your life!"

"Whatever," Jensen took a deep breath and tried to act like it was nothing, focusing back on his plate instead.

"Tell me they're good, huh?" Jared had already demolished the contents of his plate and was eyeing the spare bacon expectantly. "I know it's a weird combination but it's how Sandy liked 'em and she taught me and Chad to cook. Well, tried to!"

"I think you've got that one mastered," Jensen agreed, "but you know that's too much for me." He looked across at Chris for approval as he continued, "Sitting on my ass all the time, I've got to watch my figure."

"Looks pretty fine to me!" Jared blushed, "God! Sorry, I'm having a foot in mouth day today. Maybe I'll just take a vow of silence or something!" Jensen blushed, head dropping to regard the remains of his breakfast sitting still on his plate.

Chris rolled his eyes, "Oh come on you two, hurry up so we can get out in the sunshine!" He snatched Jensen's plate away and shoved it towards Jared, "Why don't you finish this up, so it doesn't go to waste or pretty boy's waist? Then let’s go and run off some of your boundless energy. Jen, you need any meds before we go out or have you already had this morning's?"

"Chris!" Jensen hissed.

"What? Jared knows you take meds, you want to hide it from him now?" Chris sighed dramatically. Jensen swallowed nervously and looked away.

Jared caught Jensen's eye and winked as he leaned over to snag the bacon from the side of the other man's plate. "Listen to your momma," he advised. "I'll do the dishes, you two go get organized."

“Just put them in the dishwasher, don't . . . you know," Jensen said, gesturing towards the sink. He reached for his crutches and hoisted himself up from the table without another word and headed for the door, leaving Chris with Jared in the kitchen.

Jared eyed the skillet doubtfully, "I don't think you're meant to put these in the dishwasher."

"Ah just put it into soak, I'll get it later," Chris drawled. "Trust me, if we've talked him into going out, the trick is to go before he has time to back out and change his mind."

Jared nodded, his hand unconsciously coming up to touch his bruised jaw. "Sorry about that, I was out of line," Chris murmured, flushing with embarrassment.

"Oh. it's . . . it's okay. I was being a bit of a douche. I didn't stop to think. Jason said . . . he said I need to take it real slow, I guess I'm pretty used to speaking before I stop to think what I really mean. I just want him to be happy, Chris. I swear."

"He's pretty screwed up right now . . . the chair and stuff but even more than that the crap that Tom did. I lived with him and Tom and . . . I never realized how much he was hiding . . . he's kept it all bottled up so long and now . . . he's kind of . . . I dunno what to say, he wants things to work out with you , but everything that's happened to him, he's kind of a bit of a pessimistic bastard and I guess what I'm saying is don't take that personally, ‘cos honestly it's not about you at all."

Jared nodded carefully, "That makes sense. I . . . I know I need to be his friend first, before anything else can happen, but I'm not trying to take your place."

"Believe it or not, that's never been the problem! I'm just an ass."

Impulsively Jared reached out and clasped Chris' hand , "I know what you've done for him, you've been amazing!"

"No Jared. I've just been here; don't start congratulating me on anything. Look you okay for a minute; I'll go get ready and be back soon, it won’t take either of us long."

"I'm cool, man. You go do your make up or straighten your hair, whatever! I'll be fine."

Chris rolled his eyes and gave Jared an exasperated look before heading out. He stopped to knock on Jensen's door and check that he was getting ready and that all was fine, before heading down to finish his own preparations.


	19. Chapter 19

"Bye Shortstuff!" Jared chuckled at Jensen's horrified expression but Chris just clapped him on the shoulder and reiterated his threat to break both of Jared's legs if he didn't appear at the coffee shop with Jensen at two o’clock. "On the dot, man! I'll be waiting!"  Steve had called to see if Chris wanted to meet up for a music session and since he found he was already exhausted by Jared's non-stop chatter on the walk over he'd hastily agreed.  
   
Jensen remained silent as Chris prepared to depart and he was left in just Jared's company.  His fingers plucked nervously at a loose thread on his pants and he didn't meet either man's eye.

* * *

With Chris gone, Jared suddenly exclaimed, “Oh my God! Jensen, look, look at that!" Jensen's eyes flicked up in surprise to see what Jared was looking at. "Oh my God! Do you think he bought the dog 'cos it looked like his long lost identical twin or did it like morph after he'd got it?"

"Uh.  . ." Jensen looked again in the direction Jared was indicating, "What?"  
   
Jared crouched down and pointed in the direction of an extremely jowly, middle aged man walking a morose looking blood hound. "Look, don't they look the same? Haven't you ever noticed that? How many people look like their dogs or, y'know, dogs look like their people, whichever!"

Jensen looked surprised at Jared's words but as his eyes followed Jared's fingers and saw the man in question, he could see exactly what Jared meant.  "I guess," he said quietly, a hint of guilt in his words at staring at someone else.  "Which one you think changed?"

Jared looked thoughtful for a moment as if he was actually giving the matter some serious consideration. "It's hard to tell with those two," he said eventually. "But see those two over there?" He pointed at a sleek, athletic looking woman running an extremely sporty looking whippet down by the pool. "I'm guessing that's deliberate - skinny woman buy skinny dogs,” he opined, eyes already roaming the groups of people and animals looking for more candidates to support his theories.

"You do this often?" Jensen asked, looking at him with a mix of awe and shock.

Jared laughed, "Doesn't everybody? People watching, Chad calls it. Here's fun 'cos I like to dog watch too but he prefered the mall. Mind his thing is telling which of the gangs of teenaged girls are still virgins. He swears they really do walk differently after!"

Jensen looked shocked and Jared worried for a moment that it had been the comment about Chad that had done it, until Jensen said, "You watch people . . . but . . . but what if they noticed?  What if they saw you looking at them?"

"Well, I dunno. I mean everybody does it. If they make eye contact you just smile and maybe wave a little. If it's people with dogs I sometimes go chat to them, mostly nobody cares though. Except for that one time when Chad couldn't decide so he actually went and asked this poor girl, then the kid's mom came out of the store and hit Chad with a handbag, I swear he was lucky to escape without a jail sentence and then. . . oh look! There, that dog looks just like my Sadie, I'm gonna have to bring her up for a visit, I miss her so much."

"Wow!  She must be kind of big?"  Jensen looked slightly nervous at the thought of a dog the size of the one Jared was indicating as he watched the dog in question leap and bound in pursuit of a Frisbee.

"She's part husky, so cute though. Really gentle too, you wouldn't have to worry about her jumping up at you or anything. We should have brought a Frisbee, I bet you'd be good at that."  
   
"Sure!  I mean I could throw it and you could go fetch - loads of fun," Jensen frowned  at the suggestion and gave Jared an exasperated shake of the head.  "Not like I can shift fast enough to catch one, is it?  You've made better suggestions this morning!"

"You don't try; man, did you not watch the Olympics? Murder ball was the best damn sport on there! You could play a little Frisbee if you set your mind to it! However in the absence of that I brought the leftover pancakes, you wanna go feed the ducks?"

"Sure, sounds cool.  You could show me your mean Frisbee throwing skills as you lob the pancakes out at the ducks!" Jensen teased.

Jared chuckled and jogged alongside Jen’s chair, one hand lightly resting on the arm. He had a smile for everyone, his easy and infectious manner drawing everybody in.  
   
As they crested the slight incline, Jensen drew a breath and paused as he saw the slope down to the pond.    He weighed his options; first he could plough on, relying on his own strength alone to keep his wheelchair from heading too fast down the hill and him ending up in the pond; second he could change his mind and decide that they were not heading down there after all for some as yet unconsidered reason; or third he could ask Jared to provide him with a little support, back up in case the incline was too steep.  He knew it wasn't really a choice.  "Jay, er, listen, could you, erm, could you . . . the slope, can you help?  I don't want to end up taking a swim!"

"You sure, ‘cos you know I really dig the Mr. Darcy look!” Jared teased but grabbed the chair’s handles to help Jensen maneuver the chair down the slope. Once safely at the bottom, Jared found the bag of scraps and threw a few bits into the water, encouraging the ducks to come closer. As he did so, two little girls who were playing nearby began to nudge each other and giggle, obviously staring in their direction.  
   
"Jared, maybe . . . maybe we should go now," Jensen said anxiously, trying to ignore the girls' gaze and laughter, trying to pretend it really didn't matter,matter; they were just little girls after all.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jensen's answer was too quick, too defensive for Jared to believe him.

He looked over and saw Jensen eyeing the little girls suspiciously,. Aas he watched they giggled again, one of them obviously indicating Jensen and Jared saw Jensen flinch.

"Hey, kids. What are you up to this morning?"

The smaller one was the more forward of the two and she stood up, brushing grime from her hands where she'd been drawing in the dirt. "We like it when people feed the ducks," she smiled. "There's one there, the little one? He's got spiky hair like your friend."

Jared chuckled, "You're right, he does. D'you two wanna finish up feeding them for us?" He held out the bag and she took it with another gap-toothed grin and she and her friend were soon busily throwing the scraps.

Jensen, seemed to almost wince as Jared handed over the bag, torn between wanting to tell the girls not to talk to or accept things from strangers and wanting to just get the hell out of here and home before anyone else could look at him and laugh.

 Jared came back over to him with a grin, "They think that duck has your hairdo!" he laughed.  
   
"They - they should be careful.  There's nothing to stop . . ." Jensen flushed and stopped talking.  "We should go . . .“ The flush deepened and he didn't make eye-contact with Jared.

"Jen, it's cool. Their moms are just there on the bench, see? They come into Jase's during the week so they kind of know me. The kids? They really were only looking at your hair. Hey, maybe if we're following the people who look like their pets theme we should take the little guy home for you! What d'you reckon Chris would say if he found a duck in the bath tub?"

"There's been worse in there!" Jensen said without pausing to think about it and letting him lose the grip on something new.

"Ew! I don't want to think what he's had in your bathtub although when it comes to housemates I don’t think Sandy and I will ever recover from having shared with Chad. I think his record was a different girl at the breakfast table for ten days straight! And actually, thinking of bathtubs I did find it full of garden ornaments once, y'know little gnomey guys with the pointy hats and the fishing rods? I never did find out why although me and Sand' we operated on a need to know basis - we figured we were safer not knowing most of the time."

"Lizard . . . it was a lizard and the vet was shut and I thought Tom had run over it with the car. “ Jensen threw the words out before turning his attention back to struggling up the hill again.

"You're kidding? A lizard? Man that's awesome, I freakin' love those things! Did you call it Godzilla and let it sit on your shoulder like a parrot?" Jared grabbed for the handles of the wheelchair as he yelled a goodbye to the two women on the bench. "’Cos that's totally what I would do!"

"Not exactly."

"Man, I'm either going to stop feeding you or keep you away from hills!" Jared muttered, "Okay then so you called him Tiny and . . . and, I'm running out of lizard jokes, give me something to work with here!"

“I – I brought it in . . . Didn’t wanna just leave it out to die in the cold on its own or anything, figured I could take it to the vet in the morning and they could check it was alright. Tom was like . . . it was disgusting and stuff so I put it in the house bathroom, rather than ours, figured it would be safe but, well Chris was already home and . . . um . . . entertaining? So went to bed and the next thing I know there was this almighty scream – you know the kind that wakes the whole apartment block! So Chris had brought this girl back and she’d gone to the bathroom and seen it there and just freaked; I mean seriously freaked, not like shock, she was hysterical. Chris just laughed, not like it could do her any harm or anything. She stormed out calling us a bunch of freaks! Chris threatened to keep the lizard just so he could put it in the bath anytime he wanted rid of a girlfriend. Guess I was lucky he saw it that way, huh?”

 

Jensen gave another firm push on the wheels of his chair, grateful for the added support of Jared behind him.  "Coffee's on me, when we get there," he grunted with exertion, "And whatever Soph's been baking.  I figure you've earnt it after this!  God, I'm sorry and thanks, would have been stuck down there forever!"

"S'cool. I hope she's got cookies. She does these really huge ones, with all the chocolate chunks in and Reese's pieces too. I swear they're the size of my hand." he spread his fingers wide to demonstrate.

Jensen looked at the hands being dangled in front of his face and made a quick grab for the wheels before the forward momentum had time to reverse and have him rolling backward over their owner.  "Errr!  Jay, please, please don't let go without warning me on this steep an incline!"

"Oh, sorry." Jay grabbed for the chair again.

"'s okay.  Just warn me, huh?"  Jensen laughed.  "Anyway, it was you that would've got squashed!"

"Hey! I'm bigger than you! You wouldn't have squashed me, maybe dented me a little, is all."

Jensen sighed with relief as they finally reached level ground and gave one last push to take himself away from the slope as he said, "Let's plan it better next time! Don't wanna dent you though, dude.  Kinda like you this way, you're useful."

Jared smiled happily, and even though Jensen was now wheeling himself, he kept on hand lightly resting on the chair's arm as they walked. "Glad to be of service."

"Yep, I figure I can get you round to find out what's on the top shelf of all the cupboards, ‘cos for the life of me I can't remember what I put up there and in case you hadn't noticed, Chris is kinda short by your standards.  Used to be short by mine."

"Well, duh! Have you seen the looks he gives me every time I call him Shortstuff? But I figure he owes me one for not punching him back so he can man up and take the nickname!"

"If you treasure your shins, I'd be careful when you use it.  Not too public.  Believe me, Chris might be shorter than you but you wouldn't want to go up against him in a fight.  He's more the kind of guy you want on your side and you know he'd like to be . . . on your side, have you as a friend.  He won't come out and say it and he thinks you don't like him ‘cos of the punch but he _is_ a good guy."  Jensen bit his lip.  He looked anxiously at Jared before seeming to come to a decision and speaking again, "Jay, you have to believe me on this, ‘cos without him . . . I wouldn't have got through the last year and I know we kind of suck because there's just so many things that . . . I dunno, just he's been there with me at the hospital, he agreed to all this stuff with the doctors, learned how to do all this stuff so he could help me, so I didn't have to stay in hospital.  I know we . . . we do stuff and it shuts people out . . . Steve says it's bad, but it's my fault not his."

“I don't think it's bad, I swear. God, I know Chad's a dick but it's been like having my arm cut off since he left. I understand how much you two mean to each other.  We . . . we talked, me and  Chris I mean. I . . . he's okay, we're okay. Don't forget that until the other day he was my friend separate to you. I was in the coffee shop a lot when he was in there, hell, I'd forgive him a lot of punches just for the way he sings."

"I just . . ." Jensen sighed," I just don't want you to get the wrong impression if you're gonna be around more often.  If we're going to hang out and stuff.  He mother hens me to put it in Jason's words, but it's my fault.  I've been pretty pathetic about some stuff and he's had to pick up the slack and now, I'm trying to be, I dunno, better and he's not used to it yet, he still worries and when he's worried he snaps at people.  Anyway, forget I said anything, the two of you will be fine and I don't know about you, but I'm dying for some coffee and something a bit more substantial than a couple of Soph's cookies, so as you did breakfast, lunch is on me!  Not quite the same, I mean I'm not cooking but . . . I will, you'll come round and I will cook for you and it's not too bad most of the time, I mean Chris doesn't seem to be suffering too much for it."

"Jen . . . please. Don't do that okay?" Jared looked troubled. “I hate it, you're not pathetic. You're strong, the strongest person I know. I don't think I'd have come through it like you have. The stuff he does for you? It's not 'cos you’re pathetic, it's because you’re a true and loyal friend who needs a bit of extra support right now."

"Oh God!  I didn't mean like that, I mean yeah, he has to do loads of stuff for me 'cos of . . . the . . ." he gestured roughly in the direction of his legs.  "But I've not been good, I stopped going out, talking to people, stuff like that.  I didn't have an excuse or a real reason for it, just  . . . look I don't want you to feel sorry for me, that . . . that I brought on myself, it still freaks me out but I'm trying to get past it.  I made him share the burden of that and he did and he tried to get me past it and he covered for me and helped.  Urgh!  Let's talk about something else, not me . . . I'm sorry, I don't want you to think I'm always this self-centered.  So . . . so tell me about Chad, when do we get to meet him?  Or Sandy, wasn't she going to come visit?"

"Okay," Jared wasn't really satisfied that the conversation was over but he was prepared to wait until a better time to revisit it again. "Yeah, she was but then the cake she wanted was $200 over budget so she can't afford to travel, she'll have to do overtime too. I did tell you about the wedding, didn't I? About being the worst gay man in history? She still hasn’t forgiven me for not knowing the difference between camel and taupe for her mother's outfit!"

"So enlighten me, what's the difference?  At least that way when we do get to meet her, I can look better informed and leave you alone to your title!"

"I still don't know - I mean they both look coffee colored to me!"  
   
"Well, I shall ask Sophia, that way Sandy will think I'm a much better gay man than you!" Jensen smirked.

Jared chuckled, glad to see how open and relaxed Jensen was being. They were both still laughing as they entered the coffee shop.

Chris leapt up from his seat at the counter and dived across the room to move chairs out of the way to make Jensen's progress through the room easier.  "Chris," Jensen said quietly, "Everything's okay."  He just kept his eyes on Chris until he saw the tension ease from his friend's shoulders and Chris finally looked at him and smiled, a slightly sheepish-looking grin.

Jason hailed them as soon as he saw them. "Jared, man! My savior. She's playing up again, please come and take a look. You know how much she loves you!"

Jensen laughed "With Steve sitting there, he's got to be talking about that damned coffee machine and not Sophia!"

Jared guided Jen through the chairs to the edge of the coffee bar then went to take a look. "No problems. Someone's let the pressure off a little that's all. She needs to be able to build up a good head of steam. Here ya' go!" He fiddled with the machine for a few moments then began to help Jason fill the backlog of orders.

Steve dropped off the stool he'd been sitting on and pulled up a chair alongside Jensen, "So the park, man?  Nice weather for it?" He lifted his feet to rest them on the lower rung of Chris' seat.  
   
"Yeah, fed the ducks, years since I've done stuff like that!"  Jensen smiled.  "Jared threatened to bring a duck home with us, figured it would make a good pet!"

"Hey! It was cute; it had tufty hair and everything!" As Jared leaned over to place Jen's coffee in front of him he ruffled the older man’s hair.

Jensen rolled his eyes and said, "So are you working now? Or you here to have lunch with me . . .us?" His eyes widened slightly in alarm at the slip and he avoided making eye contact with Steve or Chris, instead keeping his eyes locked in front of him on Jared.  
   
"Are you looking at anything in particular there, Jen?"  Steve asked, leaning alongside and pointedly directing his own gaze in the same direction as Jensen's, at which point Jensen realized exactly which part of Jared his eyes were apparently focused on. He blushed bright red, his eyes shot down to Jared's feet and he attempted to hide behind his coffee cup.

"Jesus! You lot are worse than Angie's mob," Jason drawled. "I swear that kid should come with a health warning!"

Jensen swallowed nervously and wished that someone else would say something to break the tension, because he couldn't think.  He let his eyes come up to meet Jared's in a silent plea for help.

"Okay boys, cookies are done!" Sophia called from the kitchen.  

Jared squeezed Jen's shoulder, "You want one? I bet they're good. She promised she'd put extra peanut butter in for me."

Sophia sauntered out of the kitchen carrying the tray of cookies and saw her boyfriend leaning in close to Jensen with his bright flushed cheeks and clear embarrassment.  "Oi, stop being a pain in the ass," she said with a smack to the back of Steve's head.  "Leave Jen alone." She set the cookie tray down beside Jason and came over to Jensen, "Good to see you back again so soon, Jensen.  You know Steve's a pig, right?  I don't know what he's done this time, but trust me, he doesn't improve with age!" She leant over to give Jensen a hug of welcome.

Jensen wrapped an arm round her and guided her to sit on his lap, "I'm thinking of turning straight, what say you dump him and run away with me?"

"Oh honey, I thought you'd never ask! Jase, I quit!"

Chris laughed and kicked at Steve's feet which were still resting on his chair, "You wanna watch your step with those two, man!"

"The day Jensen turns straight, for a skinny little minx like my Soph, I'll date you asshole!"  
   
“Now that sounds like a plan!" Jared interjected. "You two hook up and me and Soph and Jen can have a cozy little ménage together! She can bake and Jen can keep ducks and lizards in the bathtub and I can. . ."

"Lizards in the bathtub!" Chris exclaimed suddenly.  "He told you about the lizard!"

"Yeah, but only 'cos I told him about the gnomes."

"Oooh got no gnome to go to," Sophia said resting her head on Jensen's shoulder.

Jason watched them all, laughing and joking together and it was like something magical had happened. Not like turning the clock back because any social situation that Tom was in had an edge of uncertainty to it making it hard and brittle. This was new, better. Jensen so happy and relaxed, Chris and Steve certainly back to their old selves and Jared too looking more at ease with himself than Jason had ever seen it.  "Yeah, yeah! I can just see it now, they’ll be making a TV show about it in no time. Eat your heart out Will & Grace, here come the odd couple plus one! Jared, if you had unlimited access to Sophia's baking you'd be the size of a house in a week. Don't think I don’t see you eating all my profits!"

"Eating Soph's cookies all the time isn't elfy!" Jensen murmured to Sophia, only just loud enough for the others to here before she began to laugh.

* * *

Jensen looked up from the computer as Chris walked in with the mail, "I've been through all of the general mail, forwarded a couple to you.  They're about those books you'd been talking to your friend at the new publishing house about.  Sounds like people are interested.  I'm just finishing printing the first batch of orders."

"Uh huh, I checked the answer phone downstairs, the agency are sending a new temp but she won’t be able to start till later on in the week so I figure we just need to open everything but see what can wait until then."  
   
"If . . . If Jared has lost his job at Sam's, maybe he could fill in for us?" Jensen didn't look up from the computer, not really certain what response he wanted or expected from Chris.  
   
"Well, don't take this the wrong way it's not 'cos I don’t want him here but he was wasted at Sam's. He's too good for temping, if he came here, with you, with us he'd get too cozy. I don't want him to miss out on . . . he has big dreams, Jen. I don't want to see him stuck behind a desk is all."

"He . . . he showed me some stuff he wrote.  He'd make a good author . . . I was thinking of showing my sister, seeing if she'd think about sponsoring him for a trip."

"Sounds like a good plan. He was off on one in the coffee shop one night, he really knows his stuff. Hey, this one's for you, marked urgent and personal - can I open it?"

Jensen frowned, "Yeah right! Pass it over.  You know what happened to the curious cat! Now hand it over!" Chris studied Jen's face as he read, watching anxiously for the little tics and tells that would give away if the letter was making his friend anxious or upset.

Dear Jensen,

Well I hear that you’re a pretty stand up guy (pun intended – I’m a douche like that). I was hoping to swing by and see you for myself but that’s not possible right now (who’d a thought you’d get electronically tagged for lifting a party pack of condoms – I was being responsible!)

See, I thought I’d better get in touch and see what your intentions were regarding my man, Jay. The thing about that kid is that most people read him all wrong and I just want to make sure you’re on the right page. He’s . . . fuck, I don’t know where to start with this. Mostly I’m better at face to face stuff or y’know relationships that don’t involve more talking than “You’re place or mine?” or “This face is leaving in 10 minutes, be on it!” (What can I say? It works more often than you’d think!)

Anyway, back to Jay. He’s a big guy, you’d think he’d be good in fight but he ain’t. He’s soft as a Marshmallow. I’ve known him since we were in grade school – y’know how many times I’ve seen him get mad? Once. We were fifteen, going back from school; there’s this bunch of kids in the road ahead of us. Same bunch that’d beat up on him before for being a fag and he didn’t lift a finger to stop it. Anyway this time they’d got a puppy, stray little mangy thing and were tormenting the hell out of it. Jay went all Hhulk on them, snatched the thing off them and handed it to me then beat the crap out of the three of them.

See, that’s Jay, someone hurts him he curls into a ball and takes it; anyone else is hurting he’ll do anything to try and make it better. He kept the pup by the way, her name is Sadie, he misses her more than the rest of his family put together. I forgot if there was a point to this story, oh, yeah. Jay, good kid, gooey inside, hurt him – I’ll break your legs.

When we came to college it was like he came out of his shell, all this happy bouncy energy came out and he wanted to be everybody’s friend. He worked hard, he partied hard, and he fell in love hard. The guy he fell for wasn’t worth the effort, none of them were, none of them were good enough for him but he never saw that. After a while he gave up trying, he’s not had a boyfriend for over two years, hell, I think he may still even be a virgin. I’ll do a lot of things for my man, Jay, but I’m not giving my ass to no one – it’s too pretty.

Jensen, I know I’m a douche and an ass and an “arrogant, sleazy, pathetic little rich boy who believes the world owes him a living” (The judge said that!!!!!!) but Jared and my friendship with him is one of the good things in my life. Please, treat him gently. He’s way more vulnerable than he lets on. From what he’s told me you are one of the good guys, I hope so. And tell your buddy Kane that if he lays another finger on Jared then he will have me to deal with, or worse – I’ll set Sandy on him. She’s scary.

Hope to meet you soon – I’ll be off curfew in a couple more weeks,

Chad

Jensen paled slightly, free hand tapping furiously on the desktop as he read.

“Come on man, hand it over, dying of curiosity here!"

"No," Jensen said quietly, looking like he was steeling himself for something.  He swallowed nervously, scanned the letter once more before folding it and trying to cram it back into the envelope, the nervous shake in his hands making it more difficult.  
   
"Jens, seriously dude, what's going on ? More law suit crap? It's not Dani is it ‘cos . . ."

"No, not Dani. . . it's fine.  I'll fix it.  We should, um, we have a - a lot to do, we should be working by now. . ." He saw Chris’ disbelief and said, "It's just a letter Chris, it's fine."

"Jen. Enough already. We agreed, nothing more alone okay? You don’t want to share it with me, fine. I'll call Jared."

"No! Not Jared! No, okay, read it, fine, you'll see it's nothing, just me being. . ." He threw the letter in Chris' direction  
   
Chris read it quickly then set it down with a sort bark of laughter, "He sounds like quite a character, this Chad."

"You saw what he said. . . He doesn't think I’m good enough!  He thinks Jared needs more than what I can offer."  
   
"No, Jared thinks you're a good guy and this Chad is trusting you to take care of him. Hey, does that mean I need to write one of these to Jared telling him to take care of you? Jen, you gotta read it again, take it slow. Be happy that Jared has someone else who loves him, even if he does sound like a complete idiot!"

“Chris . . .” Jensen swallowed, biting his lip anxiously. Chris perched on the edge of the desk but didn’t say a word, just watched silently for the words he was fully expecting to fall from Jensen’s mouth. “Chris, I like Jared.” Chris raised his eyebrows, not quite what he’d been expecting but there was time yet. “I like him, I want to be friends with him. He wants more, not like now, he’s not demanding anything or . . . but he . . . he’s made it clear what he’d like . . . eventually.”

It was Chris’ turn to bite his lip, anxiety playing in his eyes as Jensen continued. “I don’t know what I want but I do know I want to be his friend. How . . . I don’t want to mess him around, I don’t want to make him unhappy. I don’t want this Chad guy to think I’m messing him around.”

Chris nodded. “I messed up before,” Jensen’s voice was quavering, “with Tom. I tried to do everything he wanted, take care of him, make him happy and . . . and we both know how that ended up. I don’t want to fuck this up, Chris, but I don’t know how to get it right. This. . .” he pointed at the letter. “I can’t fuck up Jared’s life, he deserves better than that.”

Chris took a deep breath, sometimes trying to figure out the way Jen's mind worked was like walking through a minefield. He moved to sit on the corner of the desk beside his friend. "Look at me, Jen. You didn't mess up before, okay? That was shit but it happened, you cared about Tom and you did the best you could but one person can't carry a whole relationship. This . . . wanting to look out for Jared, wanting to make him happy, that's great, okay but this time it's different. That's what Chad is trying to say in his letter, it's what Jared has been trying to tell you himself. This time there's two of you looking out for each other, trying to make each other happy." He took a deep breath. "Fuck! Jen, I'm no good at this stuff, I don't remember the last time I had a girlfriend and before you go all emo on me that's my fault, not yours; but don't take this letter as a sign you should back off."

"I don't know, Chris," Jensen shrugged.  "I mean you know me. . . I've never been any good; I've never had a 'successful' relationship."

"Well neither have I and from the sound of this letter neither has Jared. Not everyone's like your Mmom and Dad, Jen. Lucky enough to fall in love with their childhood sweetheart."  
   
"But. . ." Jensen started to object, only to fluster and fall silent.  
   
"I saw the way you were looking at him in the coffee shop, like he was good enough to eat. I've not seen that look in your eye for a very, very long time. Fuck! I hate myself for saying this but, I think he could be good for you. You know what the doc said, there's no reason why you couldn't _be_ with someone, if you wanted to." He held up his hand, "I know, I know. It's early days yet but don't let fear make you drive away the first good thing that’s happened to you, to us in years."

Jensen nodded, awkward and embarrassed.  His voice was quiet as he said, "Okay.  Yeah, okay.  It'll be okay." His eyes closed and he chewed on his lip for a moment as he tried to convince himself that Chris was right. "Yeah, I'll - I'll do that."  
   
"Good, so don't stew about it, okay? Call him now. Tell him he's got a good friend in Chad. Tell him . . . I dunno. You'll figure it out, tell him I'll kick his ass if he hurts you then when Chad kicks yours you can be in neighboring hospital beds!"  
   
"Yeah, that'll help," Jensen said quietly.  "Okay, I'll call him but you've got to go . . . um . . . stack shelves or something."

"Okay, I'll go down to the front desk and see if I can make some sense of whatever's been going on down their lately."  
   
Jensen watched as Chris left the office, heard as the door outside opened and closed and everything fell quiet.  He picked up his phone and turned it over and over before drawing in a deep breath and opening it to call Jared. The phone rang three times before it was answered and Jensen said, "Hey Jared," quietly.  "Can - can we talk?"

"Sure, always. Are you okay? You sound kinda . . . quiet?"  
   
"I - I want to give this . . . us a go.  I want it to work . . . I want to get it right, but I don't know how and I - I don't want to upset Chad and have him come kick my ass," Jensen answered. "Or you . . . I don't want to hurt you, Jared."

"Ohh," Jared breathed, lost for words for once.  
   
"I'm sorry for all the crap I've put you through.  I'm going to try, really try not to fuck up anymore.  You can tell Chad.  I'm really gonna try.  I want you to be happy."

"Uh, sorry, I mean, wow! You haven't fucked up, um what's Chad got to do with it?"

"I - I got his letter.  I've read it and I - I talked to Chris about it. . . He said I needed to make an effort to make this work, that it's okay to want to make you happy and to be happy with you and that just ‘cos it all got fucked up with Tom doesn't mean . . . doesn't mean that we can't make this work.  He said Chad's a good friend to you."  
   
"Um, sorry, still lost. Chad _wrote_ to you? And Chris thinks we can make this work? Is there some sort of best friends’ conspiracy going on?"  
   
"I - Chris made me show him the letter, ‘cos I got it all fucked up in my head.  I thought - I thought Chad wanted me to leave you alone, I thought that's what his letter said but Chris said that's not it at all.  He said that Chad says that it's okay for me to - to be with you, so long as I don't fuck it up," Jensen tried again to make Jared understand.  
   
"That sounds like Chad. I . . . called him a couple days ago. After Chris punched me. I was pretty uptight about everything. He wanted to come down . . . Yeah. I get it, I think. He's had to pick up the pieces too many times already. He knows how screwed up I got over . . .well all of them really, but Jeff recently. I . . . there's a parcel come from Jeff but I didn't want to open it. Sorry, I . . sorry."

"A parcel?"

"Yeah, I mean I haven't heard from him since he left, after I . . . well, you know. It was here this morning in the mail."

"You've opened it?" Jensen asked.  
   
"No, I . . . god I'm such a dork. I just couldn't."

"Maybe, I dunno, maybe it's a souvenir or something?" Jensen attempted to reassure him, certain that Jeff wouldn’t have sent anything awful.

"I guess, are you at work? . . . Shall I come by? I could give you a hand till I go to Jase's. Sam called, said not to bother working out my notice. I was too chicken to answer my cell so she left a message."

"Sure.  Kinda busy, but you could stop by and we'll have some lunch. I - You know I told you about my friend with the publishing house, I was kinda telling her about your writing and she'd be real interested in offering you some work.  She's looking for someone to replace some old-timers who’re retiring."

"For real? That's cool, thank you so much. I've got to be at Jase's for 12, shall I drop by with coffee first? Can I . . . bring this from Jeff with me? Open it with you?"

"Sure.  I don't mind.  It, huh, it would be nice to see you."  Jensen was relieved that Jared couldn't see the flushed color of his cheeks at the cheesiness of what he'd said.

"Cool, I'll head over in a bit then.  Uh, Jen. I’m glad you think we've got a chance. That is what you're saying, right. That maybe we can be more than just friends?"  
   
"Yeah, maybe, I think yeah, we could try," Jensen's voice was quiet and nervous and there was a pause before he added, "but slow, yeah, not . . . not everything right away. I'll see you soon, okay?"

"God yeah! I mean, no I mean. Jen, you were with Tom a long time, right? I've . . I've never. Slow is good, okay?"


End file.
